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@im_all_id
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middling jokes & existential dread // been seen in a meme or two
east coast overdose
Joined August 2009
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Pinned Tweet
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
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Congratulations on working 40 hours! You are now free to dissociate for 2 days
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A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
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There are two quantities of popcorn: not enough and what have I done
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The biggest problem with finding another job is I don't want one
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It'd be nice to have the opposite of an intrusive thought once in a while. Just a really sudden calming thought
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My fortune cookie had an ad for napster in it. This is hands down the worst time to be alive
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We are such a funny little species. Some of us collect seashells. Others like to "maximize revenue"
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She's a ten but it's short for tense
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At a job it takes me 2 or 3 years to become curious about what the company does
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People who don't use contractions scare the shit out of me. "I will be there" okay with what a machete
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A club where you sit in silence and untangle necklaces
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Today I was at Trader Joe's and Piano Man was playing and the checkout guy said "this is the worst song in the history of music" which was refreshing because I don't think the checkout people at TJs are allowed to say things like that. I appreciated his secret rebellion.
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Ahh the little spark of life whenever a meeting is canceled
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I can tell how emotionally available a guy is by how badly I want to date them
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Your email found me putting a fork in an outlet
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Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
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I have plans tonight
(spend an hour finding something to watch, pause at the opening credits, scroll for 3 hrs)
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Can't tell if I'm becoming more poetic or if this is early onset dementia
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9pm: I'm going to have a piece of cheese
10pm: I'm going to eat cheese until I'm ill
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Signs of aging may include irrational anger at someone parked in front of your house
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Very rude that image quality improved exponentially as I became worse looking
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Can't believe I was once in the best shape of my life but I didn't know so I didn't get to say it
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The best part about being an adult is eating things with no nutritional value until I feel sick
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I've said it before and I'll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
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Your email found me eating ice cream with a fork
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How can I trick my brain into thinking I am smoking a drunk cig when I am on an elliptical
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My job's cybersecurity training said to "never assume a connection is real" and I was like I'm WAY ahead of you, pal
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I'll go to a doctor in a dark alley if they offer online scheduling
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I can't get into anything I have a meeting in 3 hours
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Every girl has a special lil voice she uses to imitate stupid guys
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Depression in midlife is like "what if I took a nap on the floor"
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Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
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Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
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Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
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idk what i keep looking for in my phone but it is ~NOT THERE~
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if anyone needs me i'll be over here repeating unhealthy patterns i was sure i'd outgrown
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I blow an air horn every time I get a meeting cancellation
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Google maps needs a route option called "See the most cows"
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Good morning to everyone except drivers who have the right of way and hold up traffic to INSIST that you go
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Weird how "empaths" have no idea that they're annoying the shit out of everyone
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"I just tell it like it is"
- Asshole whom nobody likes
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@Cap_Save_A_304
A job of your own creation is also just a job. Just one you can't blame your boss for not liking
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idk if i can chips-n-salsa my way to happiness but i'm sure gonna try
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It's time for a theme park for sad people
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I am unable to imagine my friends being serious at work. I just picture them asking if anyone wants to do a shot
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United is now charging extra to know where you're going and what time your flight is
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I'm sorry I was so weird the other night that's how I am every night
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Just blew an ant off a table I feel like a Greek god
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I wish Google maps would be like "sick" when I make an illegal turn to save a minute
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my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
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Google Maps is unparalleled in its ability to ruin the best part of a song
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I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I'm hunting deer with my car
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Sometimes in work emails I include a lil "I hate you" or "you're a dick" in white text
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I need to remain at a pay grade where I am free to dissociate half of the day
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Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
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Ohh to be pursued as passionately as a CVS trying to make you pick up a prescription
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Jon Secada and Cake back to back? This Kohl's is fuckin lit
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Being an adult is amazing. I just ate a Twix bar for breakfast
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<bangs scepter> MORE WHIMSY
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Important Disclosure About Your Retirement Plan:ย
u will need to work until ur dead lmao
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When he said that, I think I must have looked a little amused and he was like "no?" I was like, "It's just a big statement. There are a lot of really bad songs. I think it might be something by Maroon 5" and he said " fair"
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The greatest trick I ever pulled was convincing you I might watch that show someday
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Drinking coffee until I become worrisome
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I'm not alone. I have ants.
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Seated in the exit row and gotta be honest not lovin everyone's chances in the event of an emergency
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The IRS needs special envelopes for when you're not in trouble
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So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
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whoops accidentally said I couldn't make it before they even said the date
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Elon absolutely living in a thesaurus rn trying to find a replacement for 'Likes'
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Answering all my doctor's questions with a "that's a great question"
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Love green tea, not crazy about being alive. Please advise.
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My appetite suggests a far more active lifestyle
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The feminine urge to tongue kiss everyone who makes me laugh
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*takes a long drag* You need separate playlists for sad [romantic] and sad [existential]
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boss: i wish there were two of you
me: [thinking if there were two of me, one of us would definitely not be at fucking work] aw thanks
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The trick is to make your tweets so ridiculous that HR would be too mortified to bring them up
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Obituaries should have clickbait titles
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Okay can AI make it so bread isn't 6 dollars
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ugh the end of the world is taking literally forever
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Actually I do leave the dryer on when I go out. I don't wanna be here if the house explodes
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Vape shop 101: you must look like a casino, but also like you are closed at all times
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How many chapsticks can you eat in a week
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Radisson is a beautiful name for a girl
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Blush is so embarrassing. "I look so alive!" Gross
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Honestly minimum security prison doesn't seem like the worst retirement plan
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Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
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Mentally I'm at a tiny table in a tex mex restaurant dreading the arrival of the fajitas
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I'm like one bad day away from ordering one of those mini dollhouse kits
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Google maps really underestimates my willingness to break the law
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get in loser
-the void
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*holds seashell to ear*
"We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty"
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Yeah baby I still got it*
*unresolved trauma
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It's not imposter syndrome if you're a moron
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Maybe you ring a little bell each time you free one
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An oil diffuser is not enough. I need to be in a eucalyptus tree eating the leaves.
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I die a little more every time I hear someone say "excetera"
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I planned to be much prettier by the time masks were over
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Did not expect to spend my sexual prime shaving pilly sweaters
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