PieGuy
@ilovepie84
Followers
30,094
Following
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Media
126
Statuses
9,905
My wife works two jobs so that I can chase my dream of being in a boy band.
North pole
Joined June 2011
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Pinned Tweet
When Grandma lost her feet to diabetes, I referred to her as “Lieutenant Gran” and nobody laughed
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Sorry can’t. Busy replying “cubic zirconia?” Under all the Christmas engagement pics on Facebook
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Rap beefs are funny because they all see who can write the best poem
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Am I petty?
In 2019 someone commented “not funny” under my tweet
I’ve catfished him for 5 years. Made him fall in love with me
He’s meeting me at a restaurant for the first time tonight (I won’t be there)
The waiter will give him a note that’s just my tweet he commented on
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No I can’t give you a ride home from work. That’s my 15 minutes to cry
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People who don’t drink coffee are so fucking proud of themselves
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The fact that Costco doesn’t have a mascot called the Incredible Bulk makes me angry
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Hear me out: a doorknob that gently tazes your child if they try to leave their room before 7am
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I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning
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My ancestors who died in war watching me cry after a shampoo bottle falls on my toes
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In grade 3 my sister intentionally killed my tamagotchi.
Two weeks ago, she asked me to water her plants while she was away on vacation
Tonight when she comes home, the plants will be dead and my tamagotchi will be on the kitchen table.
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Every tattoo tells a story. Like your wolf tattoo tells a story about missed child support payments
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I went to a Waffle House in Ohio and an 8 year old burnt me with his cigarette
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Wife: why is there a password on your phone?
Me not wanting her to see my google history of words I can’t spell:
I’m cheating on you
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Getting ready to go yell at my kid in front of all the other baseball Dads
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I remember when I was 6 my grandpa took the batteries out of my gameboy because I was “reliant on technology”
Well well well, guess who’s on life support while I need to charge my phone?
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I heard a chipotle worker say “you have to give it that GUAC TUAH, and take the pit out that thang” while training a new employee
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Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
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My son said my stomach looks like a sad muffin. We laughed and laughed and I truly hope he enjoys his new foster home
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Wife: did you kill that spider from yesterday?
*Flashback to me giving him $100 to leave my family alone*
Me: of course! I’m the man of the house after all
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8 year old me checking if the car cigarette lighter is still hot
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Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
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Me to my Dog: stop barking it’s just the mailman
Me when someone uses my driveway to turn around: OMG SOMEONE HAS COME TO MURDER US
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[Edgar Allan Poe on shark tank]
Hello sharks, my product is the Edgar Allan Pogo-Stick and everyone will be Raven about it
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Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you’re going to get.
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Am I petty?
In 2019 someone commented “not funny” under my tweet
I’ve catfished him for 3 years. Made him fall in love with me
He’s meeting me at a restaurant for the first time tonight (I won’t be there)
The waiter will give him a note that’s just my tweet he commented on
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98
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I still send my ex flowers every Valentine’s Day.
I always sign it “thanks for last night” so that it starts a fight with her new husband
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Me: I have to go pick up my fur babies
Her: oh you have dogs?
Me: no, we’re just Italian
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Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
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Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
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I should probably let that car merge but it’s a BMW and I automatically hate him
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Showing the woman on this plane the drawing of her feet I drew, got her to put her shoes back on real quick
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Sometimes I think I’m dumb but then I remember there are people that stand up as soon as the plane lands
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Nobody laughed when I yelled “JEN-GA” as my coworker Jen fell down the stairs
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Oops I made a mistake. Guess I’ll rip my paper in half trying to fix it
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German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
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Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
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