Not Hot. Not Bothered.
@hunbothered
Followers
41,559
Following
787
Media
7,190
Statuses
161,652
I’d be honored if you followed my small business account. @myseasonreason on here & IG. Thank you. ❤️
CHICAGO 🇺🇸
Joined March 2019
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Nasrallah
• 1232565 Tweets
Palmer
• 444539 Tweets
الفتح
• 387730 Tweets
Chelsea
• 263430 Tweets
Sanchez
• 140582 Tweets
سوريا
• 120781 Tweets
Brighton
• 101575 Tweets
Wolves
• 86106 Tweets
Sara
• 84687 Tweets
Saka
• 81087 Tweets
Sancho
• 77246 Tweets
Leicester
• 76732 Tweets
Osimhen
• 72343 Tweets
Kasımpaşa
• 50271 Tweets
#GSvKAS
• 47513 Tweets
Okan
• 46432 Tweets
Nelson
• 45130 Tweets
#الهلال_الخلود
• 28957 Tweets
Nwaneri
• 28371 Tweets
Rosie Duffield
• 22096 Tweets
Leverkusen
• 21250 Tweets
Pampita
• 19980 Tweets
Icardi
• 16941 Tweets
Kentucky
• 16446 Tweets
#WOLLIV
• 15758 Tweets
Konate
• 12470 Tweets
Ole Miss
• 11882 Tweets
Baylor
• 10012 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
If you’re reading this I want the best for you in life. Whether you need closure or peace or strength or health or prosperity or safety or love or understanding or courage or wisdom or forgiveness or whatever it is, I hope you get it.
392
1K
3K
Adults who are overly into Disney creep me the fuck out.
284
691
4K
When your clit is literally an inch away, but he gonna keep doing it his way.
204
589
3K
Am I the only one who’s still cool with missionary?
349
204
2K
It seems I have replaced my 10,000 steps a day with 10,000 calories a day. I’m sure it’s fine.
61
441
2K
I love people who say, “I don’t like funerals” or “I can’t do the whole hospital thing.”
As if the rest of us are wearing wrist bands, cracking glow sticks & tailgating to get into those places.
No one likes them, fuckface, you go out of love & respect.
You fucking show up.
138
402
1K
People who eat reheated fries, what in the actual living fuck is wrong with you?
228
268
1K
Why is it called cleavage and not a Venus guy trap?
117
266
1K
Dear men,
If a woman says, “really?”
You’re fucked.
XOXO
134
346
1K
This just in...
Men and women can be friends without wanting to fuck.
Write it down.
230
186
1K
I just drained my waterbed and filled it with gasoline instead. All set.
120
218
1K
I need a hug that evolves into a pregnancy scare.
101
242
1K
You call it huffing gasoline. I call it aromatherapy. We are not the same.
3
148
1K
Calm the fuck down, smoke detector.
I burned toast. I didn’t blowtorch the house.
47
343
1K
I won’t send you nudes, but I’ll sit with you when you’re sad, celebrate with you when you’re happy, believe in you when you don’t believe in yourself, and remind you everyday that you matter in this world.
125
152
1K
Fuck the mistletoe, kiss her under the cameltoe.
92
114
1K
Welcome to Twitter, someone who knows absolutely nothing about you hates your fucking guts.
86
278
1K
I believed in the tooth fairy until age 9
I believed in Santa until age 12
I believed in true love until age 45
Now I’m just trying to believe in myself
99
162
1K
2000: “With our great minds, in the next 20 years we will be colonizing Mars.”
2020: “Gather round everyone, here’s a video on how to wash your hands.”
31
419
1K
I do this cool thing where I don’t treat people like shit.
52
334
1K
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
81
185
1K
As repulsive as hotels are, why is hotel sex always so much better than at-home sex?
222
169
960
I tried one of those escape room things back in 1996. Took me 22 years to get out.
In those days we called it marriage.
61
164
976
I need a makeout session that ends in a pregnancy scare.
103
160
974
Fact:
A guy’s face while lifting weights is also his cum face. Pay attention at the gym, ladies.
111
177
906
Roses are red
Violets are not
Stay the fuck home
Don’t be a twat
51
336
978
Welcome to your 40s; I forgot what I was going to say.
88
212
973
Saw an owl this morning. Pretty cool until it started flying and then I was running like I was being chased by a fucking Pterodactyl. Have you ever actually seen their wingspan? Jurassic Park lookin’ mother fucker scared the shit outta me.
129
104
947
When I was a kid we didn’t have this happy ‘Elf on the Shelf’ shit to keep us behaved for a Santa visit. We had ‘Grouch on the Couch’ saying, “Clean your fucking room or we’re calling the North Pole and you’ll never see Santa again.”
83
163
973
Guys, throw away your glasses, because in a few weeks we’ll all have 2020 vision.
*punches self in face for this joke*
64
197
915
Anyone who calls themselves an alpha male is begging to be pegged.
125
194
895
Men who are obsessed with breasts have never truly explored a woman’s entire body.
184
132
901
One of my colleagues is 6’ 4”, I am barely 5’ 4”, this transaltes to his stride being double mine.
When we walk down the street it looks like Super Mario is chasing a Giraffe.
My point? Slow down for your short friends...motherfuckers.
83
136
888
Why do many homemade porn vids have a TV blaring in the background? You were sitting there watching ‘The Price is Right’ & thought, “Wanna film ourselves fuckin’?”
So now I’m more invested in the show & want to know who wins, but nooo your lame bf came too fast so the vid ends.
156
170
918
Just left a message for a client and accidentally ended it with, “ok, love you, bye.”
So if any of you need me I’ll be in the corner willing myself to die.
115
113
871
The world needs more love letters. Pen to paper love letters.
56
318
889
If someone trusts you with an insecurity, and you proceed to use it against them, you’re a piece of flaming shit.
52
249
893
If you pronounce Target as “tar-shay”, I hate you and your 1992 sense of humor.
130
141
881
Can’t, I’m cruising cemeteries and putting “I voted” stickers on all the tombstones.
66
160
883
I care about be size of your heart
I care about the size of your mind
I care about the size of your humor
I care about the size of your altrusim
I care about the size of your love
I don’t care about the size of your dick or your wallet. You do. I don’t. Learn what to lead with.
86
147
843
Wait, so KETO doesn’t stand for:
Keep
Eating
Take
Out
No wonder I’ve gained 20 pounds.
36
201
869
Dear not all men,
You know how our stories sometimes drag on, almost like we are missing a point? And then you usually nod and pretend you’re interested just so it’ll end?
Yah, so, same when we fake our orgasms. Good talk.
Love,
most women
121
126
863
Is it acceptable to wear my wedding dress to the final divorce hearing? Toss the judge a bouquet & ask people in the court room to do a flash mob dance while I roll around to Madonna’s, “Like a virgin?”
Cuz, like, I really don’t need him having second thoughts.
141
107
855
In my day, we didn’t have Google. We needed 72 hours of spare time, a ride to the library, a card catalog, and possibly a visit to the microfiche machine to find out, “What year was George Washington born?”
97
130
872
Had another three-way tonight with Ben and Jerry.
91
186
822
We joke a lot on here, but in all sincerity, I wish you the best for 2021. I feel like we quarantined as a group, and for me, it was nice to have this place as an escape and a resource. Sending peace, love, health, and happiness to you and your families. Happy New Year. Be safe.
149
91
839
The word ‘panties’ creeps me out. The word ‘underwear’ sounds geriatric. So until a better word is made, I’m just not going to wear any. Problem solved.
222
101
827
Yes, fitted sheets are a pain in the ass to fold, but they are bigger assholes in the dryer - making little hobo packs out of other things you’re drying, and then you have to play a fucking game of tether ball to unwind the thing.
I feel much better having shared that.
92
151
818
If you smell like gasoline or permanent marker, we fuckin’.
124
139
786
I honestly don’t understand women who won’t go down on their man, but expect their man to go down on them. Or the ones who reserve blowjobs for a special occasion. WTF? It’s a two way street, ladies.
137
75
768
Once upon a time there was a lot of food in my house and I ate it all.
The End
44
205
759
When we were kids my brother took a lawn dart to the head. My grandfather pulled it out, dumped peroxide on it, slapped on a bandaid and we resumed playing.
Because it was the late 70s and we weren’t pussies.
72
92
728
I need a weighted blanket on top of me. And by weighted blanket I mean a person.
60
151
749
You’re an adult now. Stop fucking calling it ValenTIMES day.
73
178
743
You’re not broken, you’ve just been battle tested and survived. You got this.
35
246
758
“Too close to call” is what I’m going to start yelling out when he asks me if I’m about to cum.
69
146
759
I like a guy in cargo shorts.
There I said it.
116
93
717
*during sex*
You don’t mind if I use my inhaler do you?
105
156
707
Welcome to your 40s, you just tore your shoulder reaching into your backseat.
92
137
754
Welcome to sex after 40 where foreplay involves ibuprofen and some icy hot.
91
131
714
Fuck the old age app. Where’s the “make me look smoking hot” filter?
100
102
687
Don’t you hate when you’ve been eating healthy and then you accidentally eat five loaves of italian bread?
83
128
732
Remember not to be a fuck to retail workers. They’re working their butts off and your stress doesn’t need to be theirs, ok? Good talk.
38
155
736
If by threesome you mean me, Ben and Jerry, then yes, I’ve had many, MANY, threesomes.
44
143
722
If by fisting you mean shoving handfuls of cheese puffs into my mouth until I can’t breathe, then fuck yes, let’s do this thing.
46
183
693
It could be way worse, what if we had to social distance from dogs?
68
245
685
Do you use twisted, unrelenting and dark humor to deal with life or did you grow up in a stable environment?
126
240
704
I’ve wasted too much energy on the wrong people.
53
229
694
Stop calling her your Au pair, Cheryl. She’s the teenager from down the street who babysits your kids while you get drunk in your she shed.
36
179
691
The “I’ve seen some shit in my life” people are my people.
44
213
704
If my sex life had a sound it’d be that of an old school modem dialing but never fully connecting.
83
120
702
Remember that ONE time my hair understood the assignment?
105
0
759
Let me break it down, if you’re trying to give someone a good massage, while they are also trying to do the same to you, then no one fully enjoys the experience.
This is why 69 sucks.
Class dismissed.
112
98
687
Dear men,
It’s super sweet when you try to solve our problems, but, like you’re not google or ice cream, so just, you know, be there, listen, and hold us if we ask.
Love,
Women
50
115
699
Keto can go fuck itself. Where do I buy a tapeworm?
59
137
677
The hottest person in the room is the one standing in their confidence and kindness. No bravado. No barking loudest. No need for validation. No clique. No self-assigned labels or monikers. No hate. Just still and humbly owning their worth.
51
175
706
People who ignore gossip and form their own opinions are my people.
36
230
701
I haven’t been able to ‘smirk’ since that one day back in 1981 when my mom “wiped it right off my face.”
49
212
676
Sex is great, but have you ever stretched and unintentionally, yet delightfully, realigned your whole spine with one crack?
50
123
677
I balance out the holiday weight gain by cutting back on my self esteem.
40
222
671
And for my next trick I will throw my back out by sneezing.
70
172
652
I used to be the person who preached “no question is a stupid question.”
And then I joined Twitter.
52
137
696
My ‘happy place’ goal is to be on a farm in the middle of nowhere, barefoot, in a sundress, swinging on a porch swing with the love of my life, sipping iced tea, listening to good music and watching tall grass sway in a warm breeze.
If I can reach that in life, then I’m done.
101
120
667
If you truly love someone you want to see them succeed for them, not for you.
28
197
667
Discovering new music is like making a new friend.
37
220
662