annette
@ho_grammer
Followers
1,207
Following
628
Media
464
Statuses
4,558
Comic, Software Engineer, aspiring leggings influencer
San Francisco, CA
Joined July 2016
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@mACABreb0b
“I doubt very much that an invasive cancer in the nasal turbinates could be sneezed out.
But a polypoid tumor theoretically could be, in rare circumstances.
Alternatively, the initial diagnosis of nasal cancer was incorrect”
- my veterinary pathologist dad
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@Maebhcon
@mACABreb0b
University, actually recently retired professor of veterinary pathology. They also take tissue samples & such from clinics around the country, you’re right it’s a specialty that wouldn’t normally be in-house. He’s very used of me asking all about diseases animal & human.
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@jaboukie
49 summer 1 fall 1 winter 1 spring the fuck is wrong with all of you, I can't ho in the cold.
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It’s been a week since the breakup, and I really feel like I learned what I needed to from the relationship, gotten back in touch with myself, and am ready for him to take me back at any minute.
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@LauraRicha37924
@mACABreb0b
I relayed this info to my dad & his professional opinion is “Lamb’s name should be changed to Lucky!”
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No one told me life would be plucking chin hairs every day until you die.
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Comedy = Tragedy + Time
Things friends are texting me trying to get me to stop livetweeting my breakup.
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@baddanadanabad
I was there wearing two pairs of pants, two sweaters and a hoodie, with another hoodie and jacket around my waist (flew spirit). Was it me?
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@CartoonsHateHer
People went wild with it but like many things I remember the genesis being pretty reasonable, “pls don’t wear our sacred shit to music festivals” & critiques of companies taking designs & patterns from cultures w/o any money flowing to the “inspiration”
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Israel is very sorry for killing the foreign aid workers, if they'd known there was going to be this much of a backlash they would have just killed Palestinians instead as usual.
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You weren’t planning on returning anything right?
Told the guy I was dating how bad it is to touch receipts (BPAs) and he laughed in my face, ate & swallowed a receipt infront of me to show me how silly I am for saying that to him
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I can't believe Stormy Daniels stole the only headlining opportunity all of us will ever have
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@NotJimPaschke
@OGyodaSports
@ChristnNitemare
So making money provides meaning? But he just told these graduates the opposite (if they’re women). So confused
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I hate that period at the beginning of a new software eng job where I wear jeans and nerdy t-shirts until my coworkers trust I know my shit and I can return to my bright girly shit.
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Airbnb's can say "NO GUESTS" all they want, I'm on vacation and I will be fucking a stranger.
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When dogs see us use our hands are they jealous like "jesus, that's dope". Like how we are when we see monkeys use their feet?
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Just gonna send this to any potential dates to get them up to speed
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My last divorce got me 14 months without any questions about my love life from my mother. Time for another.
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When job interviews ask if I picked up any new skills over the pandemic
From the
@Observe_Inc
launch
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Got cancelled on yesterday 2 hours before a date:
“I’m on a date that’s going way over time and I may have found my person so I won’t be able to attend the date. Hope you do too!”
Can’t even be mad as I feel so much revulsion at “my person” I’m like yeah best we didn’t meet.
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Life hack: if you’re on hold, go to the bathroom so they’ll pick up quicker
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Men trying to get laid are such an underutilized therapy resource. I’ve never met so many concerned and nonjudgmental listeners💕
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BART dancers just got called out for touching everything by a passenger, then gifted wipes by another.
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TSA wouldn’t let me have my tub of solid cocoa butter bc “if you heat it up it’d be liquid”.
“That’s true of all solids though,” I said pointing at my bag, “Add enough heat that’d be a liquid”
TSA: Why, what’s it made of???
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Really wish we could Venmo each other fertility. Half the women I know are paying for IVF and the other half are a still a little relieved at every period.
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People are being so respectful with their eye contact, no one’s even noticed how dope my shirt is
#KubeCon
#Kubernetes
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Someone at a party mentioning drugs & homelessness in passing and now I gotta lecture on how housing costs cause homelessness, buckle up buddy we’re both on shrooms but we’ll get through this together, I’ll send you the citations later when I can work my phone
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Sent this dude a sexy pic and he responded “what a beautiful smile! 😍”
Bro my tits are in that pic, the fuck
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@jaboukie
Going out at night with your housekey safety pinned to the inside of your tiny dress and $20 and a metro/clipper card tucked into your cleavage, confident that if you die that night, it won't be from exposure. 🥰
Sigh
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My brother didn't know "that woman in leather" at the end of Grease was Sandy FOR YEARS and thought the message of the movie was that sometimes people aren't compatible and relationships have to end to meet someone you match with.
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"I don't normally do this on the first date," I say as I hug him goodbye and head home, alone.
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Having hip surgery on Wednesday was the key to this Nancy Kerrigan costume.
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Failed to get someone from tinder to pick me up from the hospital after surgery. Not sure why, I think i'd make a great first date. My happy IVs are still wearings off, I have opiates on me, let's fucking party.
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I got dumped last night but apparently lost 2 lbs overnight (tears??). God truly opens a window whenever He closes a door 🙌
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Dating in a pandemic means risking death to get laid, so basically nothing’s changed for women.
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Honestly the dopest part of opening for third eye blind was having access to the backstage private bathrooms. Do you know how luxurious it is to pee whenever you want during a sold-out show?? I went like 3 times.
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I’m very charming on a first date and they often ask incredulously “how are you single?” and I’m like oh, you’ll see
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I STILL have to put divorced down for marital status on forms? It’s been 8 years, get over it already!
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When my ex husband and I spoke Arabic people always thought we were fighting but really it was only like half the time.
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I want to like chess but it involves my two least favorite things, sitting still and thinking through the consequences of my actions.
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I'm so glad my ex and I had completely non-overlapping tastes in music. It was annoying during the relationship but four years together and not a single band I like is ruined by memories.
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If you get divorced in your 20s you are immediately in your early 30s. If you get divorced in your 30s you're immediately in your 20s.
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I would be so insulted if I got recruited into a cult and it WASN’T a sex cult.
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Opened for
@ThirdEyeBlind
at a sold-out show at The Catalyst in Santa Cruz on Sunday, I'm feeling top of the world. Party continues at the Red Room until close, then somebody suckerpunches my friend & we spend the rest of the night in the ER.
Rollercoaster
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Reacts are the best thing to happen to texting. I don’t know what to say but I am acknowledging your communication. Beautiful.
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Announcement: I’ve decided to rebrand my dating preferences as kinks so I can’t get shamed for them.
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A first date once asked to use the bathroom while dropping me off. He wanted to stay for a drink, I said nah, & he downed mini whiskeys he had on him. He then said he was too drunk to drive and better stay. He was SHOCKED that I pointed to the couch & locked myself in my room.
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Should it be illegal for improv people to call themselves comedians?
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When it comes to dating, I’ve been focusing on user acquisition and haven’t yet pivoted to monetization.
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Everyday I thank god that the “hogrammer” handle was taken when I joined Twitter, hog rammer was not the vibe I was going for.
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Dude came over where I was doing pt exercises at the gym, chatted about my injury and his previous ones. As I was leaving I asked if he’d like to grab a coffee sometime (crutch don’t stop the hustle).
He Said he has a gf - excuse me you were genuinely interested in my injury tf?!
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Every time I slip in my skin routine, there’s a comic on stage declaring that they are 30 when I thought they were 48 to get me back on
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When I meet engineers I like to ask "real or software?" Software does not seem to appreciate this.
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My crowdwork last night caused a couple fight. Three years together and they left separately. So proud. What a milestone for me as a comic.
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Put some common misspellings in a tiktok, people will rush to correct you and every comment boosts you in the algorithm.
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My last two paychecks were for $420 and $690 is this a good sign?
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I’m going to be opening for
@ThirdEyeBlind
again, this Saturday in Santa Cruz! Get ready for a room full of excited fans to get increasingly confused since they assume I’m just there to announce the band but instead I keep talking
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The dude that gave me covid is recovered and going on a date tonight while I languish at home. I've heard of pump & dump but this this infect & defect is on a new level.
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I’m opening for
@ThirdEyeBlind
1/25 at
@theTroubadour
in LA! Tickets are sold out so you can’t come, I’m just bragging.
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Yo California did you know there’s this crazy shit called insulation and that the inside doesn’t have to be the same temperature as the outside!?
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I already miss that part of the pandemic when people would say “how ya doing?” and you could say “terrible!” but not have to get into it.
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On a date with a man 6 years younger than me and he’s assured me that I “don’t look that old.”
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Dudes, stop with the baby pics on online profiles. I'm trying to figure out if I'd bang someone and then BAM a baby pic NO
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Wanna feel alive? Wear a skirt commando.
A breeze around a corner? A train pulling into the station? I’m inches of fabric from being a sex offender at every turn and all I had to do was none of my laundry.
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Remembering the time a dude told me "You've got more orgasms in you" in a very hot way but I slapped my own thigh and said "this bad boy can fit so many fucking orgasms" and that definitely changed the mood.
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15 years ago I went on a date with a "writer" in New York who jotted down every other biographical detail and thing I said so maybe somewhere out there is my Cat Person.
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Went on a date with a 20 year old - born in the 2000s - and I felt like I had to fulfill his older woman fantasies so I told him all about 9/11.
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Younger dude I'm seeing is buying all the drinks and ubers. Am I doing cougar wrong? Or hella fucking right?
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People are saying weed isn’t a performance-enhancing drug, but when I get high I feel fast as fuck.
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@yashkaf
I thought the core fantasy of dating apps was that you could meet people outside your current life & not have to worry about shit getting weird at work or with friends
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If I see a funny tweet I like it and if I see a REALLY funny tweet I scroll on, embittered
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Who do I gotta fuck to get this vaccine because not having it is preventing me from doing a lot of fucking
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What do you call an ex that keeps hitting you up after the breakup?
Zombae
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Whats the point of dating younger dudes if they wake up more hungover than you? We went drink for drink my dude, stop delaying me from hitting the gym.
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My rental insurance is asking how many cars, boats, jetskis, motorcycles I own and now I feel like a loser.
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"The avant-garde is never respected in their time," I think, as the cashier at the taqueria refuses to use the doritos I brought for my nachos at 1am.
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