dana bad
@baddanadanabad
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if you’re thinking about hiring me for a job please don’t let this deter you
Joined April 2020
everyone who hates me is either an incel or a girl who’s a little less hot than me.
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one time i changed in front of my mom and she saw a tattoo i have next to my boob and she was like “make sure your employer never sees that. tattoos aren’t professional.” and it’s like fuck now i can’t sleep w my boss without them thinking im unprofessional.
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went up to a hot girl to be like “where did you get your yoga pants they look so good” and she was like “amazon, i wouldn’t recommend them, they’re pretty bad quality, i just have a nice body” thank you for your transparency queen.
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for everyone who is saying my boyfriend is gay: ok. and??? It would be homophobic for me to not date someone just bc they’re gay.
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my bf was like “sometimes you act like sherlock holmes but without the genius. like you’re always making weird observations but they’re inaccurate.”.
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i hate male gynecologists. i would literally have a random woman off the street deliver my baby before i’d go to a male gynecologist.
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did anyone else’s mom’s make them toast w butter and cinnamon sugar? dam that rocked.
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if student loan companies wanted to be paid back they shouldn’t have made such a bad investment giving money to idiot 18 year olds.
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it’s so fucked up that i went into this pandemic 24 (young, spry, hopeful) and now im 26 (old, brittle boned, writing my last will and testament).
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my uber driver took a call on speaker and it’s his mom accusing him of stealing her credit card and spending $6400. obv giving 5 stars, love this drama.
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i got botox and i asked the dr “how many years younger will this make me look?” and he was like “zero. you’ll just look like the other girls your age who have also gotten botox.”.
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my bf opens his eyes in the morning and im like. 👸🏻: im hungry, i think this girl i follow on instagram broke up with her boyfriend but i can’t really tell, im thirsty, people are trying to cancel this teen tiktoker for thrifting too much, i want a bagel can we go now? monkeypox-.
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my bf doesn’t really have friends so when we get into fights he has no one to talk to about it so i have to fill that role and listen and be like “ya idk your gf sounds crazy bro”.
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my dad died in a tragic accident so i got some money and now i live in a house w a nice stove and people are pissed about it.
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relationships should be 50/50. he drives the car, i stare at my phone and when he asks me “what’s my exit?” i say “hold on im looking at something!” and then we miss the exit.
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is it my “self improvement era” or is it a manic episode.
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my grandma taught nutrition at a college and one time i looked at her rate my professor page and it was like “this lady called everyone fat” and it’s nice that there are so many strangers who have that in common w me.
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in my villain era (accidentally committing tax fraud out of extreme confusion).
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when i share a bed w a man i know it is my duty as a woman to hog the blanket. when i look over in the middle of the night and he is so cold, blanketless, shivering, i smile at my feminist win.
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the only moral person in LA is the plastic surgeon i met w for a breast lift consult who listened to me describe what i wanted done then said “i don’t think you know what boobs are supposed to look like” and sent me home w a pamphlet about body dysmorphia.
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why are people proud to get wordle on the first or second try? babe you GUESSED. you GOT LUCKY. im out here playing a game of skill, winning only on the third or fourth try.
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being a high functioning crazy person is so weird like one minute im on the floor literally screaming and crying and writhing around and the next minute im answering an email like “hi! Attached is the signed PDF. Have a good weekend!”.
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unfortunately a girl’s social media is at its best when she’s in a weird situationship.
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im gonna start a service where i, a 27 year old (wise) help 23 year olds (naive) figure out if their boyfriend is a loser or not before they waste their mid 20s w him.
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i asked my bf if he’s ever experienced seasonal depression and he was like “yeah and like most men i self medicate with football. why do you think they play through fall and winter?”.
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27 years old and blowing my nose w toilet paper bc i do not own a box of tissues… when my mom was my age she owned like at least five boxes of tissues and also a house.
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if there’s one thing tiktok loves, it’s a skinny girl who buys new clothes every day.
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why would i go to coachella when i could just do shrooms in an urban outfitters.
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guy posting photo of himself w a cute dog is the equivalent of a girl posting a hot swimsuit pic. if anything it’s thirstier, sluttier, for the streets even more so.
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i was like “im worried everyone’s mad at me” and my bf was like “dana it’s 4 AM. you woke me up to say this. I’M mad at you.”.
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someone should invent a way to relax that isn’t spending thousands of dollars online shopping.
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i have never wanted a “partner in crime” have always just wanted a “partner in errands” - just come to CVS w me, we don’t have to rob it.
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my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?.
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i have one drink and suddenly im responding “im so happy you’re enjoying your life” to instagram stories of people i haven’t spoken to in 7 years.
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i still can’t believe a girl slid into my DMs and was like “is your ex ___” and i was like “omg ya” and expected juicy goss and instead she was just like “is he toxic bc he seems normal” and i was like “ya he’s normal” anti climactic, ice cold tea, zero stars.
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love to meet my friends’ moms and witness their eating disorder origin stories in real time.
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i will say that i entered quarantine wanting to get skinny and i left it genuinely wanting to unlearn fatphobia/achieve body neutrality. so… an L for the patriarchy, a W for me?.
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whenever i have a weird interaction w another person im always like “was it me? was i the weird one?” and then i remember that the world is burning to the ground.
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i love when you uncover a traumatic memory in therapy and it’s like . ok that one shoulda just stayed repressed honestly.
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bf getting a severe nosebleed the same day i get my period? that’s what an ally looks like ladies.
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you can literally FEEL that exercise is good for you… that’s so fucked up.
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i said “im a party girl” and my bf said “pity parties don’t count”.
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i told my bf “i never love you more than right after you take a good picture of me” and he was like “you need to keep things like that to yourself”.
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girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”.
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one moment you’re wearing a jumpsuit. The next moment you are tits out in a public bathroom.
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the “productive morning” to “1 PM mental breakdown” pipeline.
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the thing about me is im gonna sit. i don’t care if there is no chair. i’ll plop down on a table, i’ll balance on a guard rail, i’ll put my butt on dirty pavement but you will never catch me standing.
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me: my stomach hurts all the time . someone on twitter: at least you have a stomach.
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got my weed edibles confiscated at airport security and my bf freaked out and pretended he didn’t know who i was and walked off really fast.
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“if he wanted to he would” but w biden and cancelling student debt.
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today i saw a 60 year old man trying to get his 60 year old wife to go into brandy melville. he was like “look they have short sleeve shirts you love those” and she was like “i DONT want to go in there ralph”.
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stoner gf, sober chauffeur bf. im at the mcdonalds like “whoa how did we get here” and he’s like “i drove us. now please order you’ve been staring into space for 15 minutes”.
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why are there so many gen zs on tiktok who think they like discovered target? i always see videos of like 16 year olds being like “don’t sleep on target!” who is sleeping on target babe?? Who??.
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thinking about this guy i went on two dates w who didn’t want to keep seeing me bc i “already knew about too many restaurants” so he didn’t “have anything to show me”.
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my dad is dead and my mom is so dramatic she was like “father’s day is so sad for me bc my children don’t have a father” and it’s like … ok well not to one up you but father’s day is actually sadder for me bc i myself don’t have a father.
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everyone i know who’s anti weed is straight up the biggest alcoholic ive ever met.
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i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels.
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being a writer doesn’t necessarily mean you write, it just means you don’t know how to do math.
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being friends w your childhood friends as an adult is crazy. it’s like dam i remember when you were 3 ft tall.
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im actually the chillest girl alive if you don’t count all the batshit insane shit ive done and continue to do.
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i hate when im at goodwill and i find a dress i think is cute and then i check the tag and it says it’s from spirit halloween and i suddenly see that it is not a cute dress but in fact a slutty bumblebee costume.
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i asked my bf why he was so obsessed w being early to things and he was like “im obsessed w being on time to things and in order to ensure you’re on time you need to be early and the fact that you don’t understand that is why you’re always late” like ok drag me.
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they need to invent an invisibility cloak where if you are wearing a cute but possibly revealing outfit only people who aren’t disgusting perverts can see it.
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just had the thought “should i give my bf a treat of some sort when he does something nice for me to reinforce that he should keep doing that?” and then i realized that’s dog training.
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i asked my bf what he thought my interests were and he was like “um… the lives of random well dressed girls with mysterious sources of income?”.
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im getting an eye exam and i was like “i smoked weed before this will that affect my results” and the optometrist was like “why did you smoke weed before this it’s 12 PM” ok i guess she is not about this life … ???.
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i called my wellbutrin “welly bu bu” and my bf said “i think it’s working too well.”.
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fourth of july pros: i get to enjoy a hot dog . fourth of july cons: white nationalist also gets to enjoy a hot dog.
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walking out of the restaurant w my pants unbuttoned aka the ultimate compliment to the chef.
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“you only live once” as a reason to do wild shit has officially been replaced by “the earth will literally be uninhabitable in 10 years”.
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the later my bf sleeps the longer the unhinged “here’s every single thought ive had since i woke up” monologue i launch into the second he opens his eyes.
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love to remember an instance where i was a little weird to someone five years ago then immediately begin questioning if i even deserve to be alive.
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ok so apparently no one has ever had a little laugh w their family before
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signing an NDA like “but i can tell 2-20 close friends, right?”.
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i love when you walk into a cool girl’s bedroom and you’re like “oh a rom com main character lives here.” meanwhile when you walk into my bedroom you’re like “oh a mentally ill raccoon lives here.”.
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every time i see an old pic of myself im just like “where the fuck did that jacket go?”.
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changing my whole aesthetic bc of a random hot girl i just saw in the detroit airport.
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i literally think everyone is most themselves from ages 5-8 and then they find their way back to that self over the course of the next 20 years or so does that make sense.
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he’s a 4 but you met him at a really formative time in your life.
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the suicidal teen to adult who prioritizes their own happiness pipeline.
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when i was 19 i literally was like “i can get any man bc im 19” and i was right.
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there are wine girls and there are weed girls. wine girls are good at cleaning and have matching throw pillows. weed girls have no short term memory and lots of random piles.
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i was like “ive been on the verge of tears all day” and my bf was like “verge of tears? you’ve cried twice.”.
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when men are insecure? ew. but when men are confident? also ew… not sure what their path forward is.
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my toxic trait is that i barely graduated high school but when i hear law students talking about how hard the bar exam is im like… i bet i could pass it right now.
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every toxic ex was once a fun crush… something to think about when having a fun crush.
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literally no reason to trust cdc over astrology at this point.
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im such a bitch when im tired. also when im over caffeinated and too awake. also when im hungry. also when im too full. also when im cold. also when im hot. wait am i just a bitch.
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being drunk is so crazy bc it’s like… you mean i can be dumber than i already am??.
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ran into a guy i hooked up w and couldn’t remember his name but i remembered his dog’s name so i called him “biscuit’s dad” and he was like “wow you even remember my dog’s name.” ya bitch i ONLY remember your dog’s name.
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a couple years ago i was hooking up w this guy and then he told me that for lent he was giving up “unnecessary texting” and then i never heard from him again.
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my bf said “you look like if paddington was in the matrix”
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gf who bursts into tears at the slightest inconvenience, bf who claims he hasn’t cried in 10 years.
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omfg my mom just revealed to me that i got kicked out of my eating disorder outpatient program in 8th grade bc i requested prosciutto for group meal and the doctors decided that meant i didn’t have an eating disorder im laughing.
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is it a “glow up” or is it succumbing to your eating disorder and embracing the male gaze.
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why is it always the meanest people who have the worst victim complexes? babe. you’re the villain???.
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hey. those are my emotional support 42,732 unread emails.
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bf who drives, gf who stares at her phone the whole time then complains that the way he’s driving is making her nauseas.
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