Harris Alterman
@harrisalterman
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Following
201
Media
52
Statuses
158
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Pinned Tweet
We asked couples "What's your partner's least attractive feature?"
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asking New Yorkers what they would do with 1 million dollars
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Asking New Yorkers “what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
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asking New Yorkers “ what’s a news story people aren’t talking about enough?
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Asking new yorkers which brand they're most loyal to.
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We asked liberals and conservatives to read each other their poems about glue.
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We asked liberals and conservatives to say something nice about Godzilla
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asking New Yorkers if they want Trump or Biden in 2024
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You ask a dumb question on a job application you're gonna get a dumb answer.
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I like to listen to my dad's last fart before he died.
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Famous musician: Yea I can’t even read music. I don’t even know what a guitar IS. I’ve never heard anything or said anything. I’m not even a person, I’m a gas.
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@weirddalle
Hey man if you're gonna repost my video the least you can do is tag me.
#StolenContent
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If you want to be successful you have to ignore those negative voices in your head.
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At my funeral I want them to read off something I never accomplished followed by YouTube videos I watched over the course of my life.
Harris never learned Spanish.
Michael Cera Breaks Down His Most Iconic Characters.
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A real man’s CVS shopping list:
Shampoo that comes in a bottle that looks like Jack Daniels.
Whitening strips that come in a box but the box is a firm handshake.
Prep H that comes out of a gun. The gun is loaded and there is no prep H in it.
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@dested
these are not written, these are real people I interviewed on the streets of New York City
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give him a netflix special
Vance: I had a Diet Mountain Dew yesterday and one today. I'm sure they will call that racist.
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The more job titles someone has the more unemployed they are.
"Yea I’m an entrepreneur, writer, musician, actor, and life coach."
"Well hang in there man you’ll find something soon."
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i've said it before and I'll say it again, Joe Biden is too young to be president.
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Would you rather vote for the guy who says they're raping and killing babies in a coherent sentence OR the guy who wants to protect abortion rights but can't put together a sentence that makes any god damn sense...
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My favorite thing is walking around Manhattan wearing a fanny pack, holding a big map and asking people, “EXCUSE ME, DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET TO MANHATTAN?”
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If I was a tattoo artist and someone asked me for a swastika I’d be like “for sure” then draw Barbara Streisand lighting a menorah.
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yes this is bad but Twitter is fun or the first time in 2 years.
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Trump: TERRORISTS ARE POURING INTO OUR COUNTRY AND RAPING OUR WOMEN.
Biden: Bubblegum, we did...um...medicare for...um covid, come on man, that's, that's bullc-....bubblegum
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Cannot believe Fox News fired Tommy Lee Jones.
Tommy Lee Jones is where I get my news.
Good for Tommy Lee Jones.
Tommy Lee Jones is gonna have a podcast bigger than Joe Rogan.
Tommy Lee Jones.
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Me at the beginning of a zoom call: Hey everybody! Happy Tuesday! Phil, I'm liking that new haircut!
Me 2 hours into a zoom call: We deserved 9/11.
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Just heard an ad for acoustic wave therapy for ED and I really hope it's just a guy who makes weird noises at your penis.
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I opened my eyes after meditating and a rat ran past my window. New York City baby!!!
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Weed shop guy: This strain will make you yell weird shit at your dog like WE BOTH CAME OUT OF A VAGINA!
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Just found out birthstones are like emerald and amethyst and not like a weird rock that comes out when you push out a baby.
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