Mia Faith Hammond
@MiaFaithHammond
Followers
2,161
Following
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Media
41
Statuses
359
treat me like how you would want to be treated RIGHT NOW
Manhattan, NY
Joined August 2014
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Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. *Teach* a man a curse word, he’s gonna say ass or maybe fuck
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i hate it when books don’t say “bye bye” at the end
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Born again Christians must *really* hurt their mommy’s pussies
and thanks for stopping by!
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im sorry to announce that Red Dead Redemption is being revoked due to frickin italians wanting it to be called Red Sauce Reduction really badly 😤🇮🇹
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For sale:
200ft thanksgiving day parade balloon ribbed for her pleasure,
never worn.
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Ya know Ginger Rogers could do everything Fred Astaire did but backwards and in the butt
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Behind every strong man is a woman in front of him, drinkin’ his piss.
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How are windows born? Who’s giving birth to these glass idiots? I would hate to give birth to glass 🤷🏼♀️
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If you accuse me of malpractice I’ll play dumb and pretend like I’ve never even met you before.
^^shirt idea??
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Audition can be hard when u are bad at it. Call me if u want 2 learn how to b really bad at it. We can work something out. -mia “Hammon
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This was worth the whole pandemic happening, but in a good way!
Everybody really really please listen to
@mariabamfoo
’s audiobook on audible called “You Are (A Comedy) Special”. I promise you that you should listen to it. Remarkable!
I had a great time.
@MiaFaithHammond
headlined the show with a tight, 7 minute-set of very funny, well-written jokes that I admired and I opened for her for 35 minutes while holding a Windex bottle as a microphone. She will receive a T-shirt, as promised.
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The only thing better than being on thin ice is being on that thicc ass juicy ass sidewalk
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From the Streets, to the Streets: how I stayed on the streets, didn’t go anywhere
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Man I really shouldn’t have promised Tom Hanks that I’d eat his poop
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Happy Mother’s Day. The day where we eradicated all the mommys out of the Ireland. Happy Mother’s Day.
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you know in australia it’s already election day in the united states
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Honestly I think that everyone’s a little bit gay in the derogatory way
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Hey I corrected the spelling for my last tweet so you guys can like it now
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We should just trick the cops into buying a bunch of these “kiss me, i’m racist” kkk aprons I gotta get rid of.
I had a terrible bachaloraette party.
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I have a can of whoopass that moonlights as a can of beans
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Dear Public,
Due to unforeskin circumcisions, my penis is fucking gone.
Mia
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Surgeon General? That's a man in two different uniforms!
He is going to get hot in the summertime.
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I came here to do 2 things: pee my pants and poop my pants, and I’m all out of pants.
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I wish Jesus’s dad was MY dad. I bet he packs WAY cooler lunches. I bet G_d let’s him have gushers n stuff not fair!!!!
Matthew 5:16
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I will be giving 1200 Mia Bucks to anyone who is not eligible for the stimulus check. They won’t buy you groceries but they are good for 1 virtual foot rub and that’s fucking it.
This is a loan.
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BREAKING NEWS:
@Trump
just ordered a knuckle sandwich for lunch, making things even way worse
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I suppose I gotta stop doing my New Years resolution where I pretend I’m blind and old people are brail.
coGROANavirus
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Happy Birthday My Step Dad. My boyfriend is taller than you, but not in a gay way. Anyway, happy birthday. It’s about time you had a birthday!!!!! But anyways, happy birthday.
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Sometimes I feel powerful, and I think that I’m like Thanos. but instead of jewels on my knuckles it’s poop because I fist my own butt. And then I’m back to being just a humble kid with a terrible glove. 😒
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Uh yeah King Kong liked being on top of that building a little *too* much
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning I don’t want to be naked anymore
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Empty out all of your pockets. Now fill your pockets back up with blood. Now you finally now what it’s like to be a blood pocket guy. this is big
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The truth is, the MeToo movement is pretty wild. Look it up. And be nice to women! Smile at them! And try to make them smile too! Request for them to smile! Heck, MAKE them! Honestly, FUCK women!
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we gotta get the PC police to share a single spaghetti noodle with the regular police and then we can pet them both
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Remember: a big dumb pile of some dumb ass dead people are more scared of you than you are of them
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I don’t want to be naked anymore please. I have shirt fever, baby! Don’t get in my way 😢
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Hey, take your mind off things and look at me! You’re worth it! Subscribe to my OnlyFarts! You give me money I give you only farts (discount for veterans and isis and fart ambassadors). Stop asking for my blood, only farts! My blood is personal!
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the only crime worth doing is telling a beautiful lady how beautiful she is, and then threatening her until she gives you bread
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i think i speak for all of us when I say my name mia
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Imagine a world where all the children could join hands and it not even in a hand shake way. The children are not doing hand shakes like business kids do, they r just holding hands cause these particular children all happen to be large gay men. I wish that world was the earth 💔
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Sorry im late 4 my statement on International Womens Day.
When it comes 2 girls, im glad they r girls. When it doesnt come 2 girls? Then thats probably boys.
If anybody has some girls, make sure 2 remember about them.
and boys? Ah, you guys can really make girls a dinner
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Hey guys, does anybody know of a massage parlor where if I pay a little extra they’ll give me a “it’s okay buddy” at the end?
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You know how snitches get stitches? I think that narks should get SHARKS. get eaten by a shark or something. Also, you look beautiful today ☺️
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"Yo ever since my mom pussed me out of her pushy, things have been a liiiittttlle stiicckkkyyy!" -my new catchphrase
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I just want to thank everybody who supported me in the Miss Colonoscopy Pagent this year. I lost but I learned that it’s not beauty on the outside that counts, it’s beauty on the inside. I shaved and bedazzled my rectum for this shit. This is bullshit. SHIT
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The problem with drinking your own peepee is that you have to peepee again right after you drink the peepee!
LaCroix™
Way Better Than Piss
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I like my men like I like my coffee!
Blind from the waist down
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Please, Hammond was my father.
Call me by my meta-verse name,
Mia “damnnit now I own a fake ass parking lot. Hey, I’ve learned a lot from this experience though. Now I’m gonna spend some more time with my kids. I’m gonna kiss my kids. Gonna kiss em where it hurts.” Hammond
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I don’t mean to pander to my base here when I say this, but I’m a jack of all babes, master of fun
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Soon-Yi isn’t even her real name. “Soon” is just what Woody would whisper to her every night before she turned 18. Can I get a what-now?? Zing! I’m itchy
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“What if JESUS had been an abortion??” is a MythBusters I would like to see.
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a raisin in the sun? That's just a rasinier raisin! i guess i can't wait for the sequel, a soup in the rain! and the prequel, a grape in the room with a roof! FUCK the police i'm outta here girlfraaannnn
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When is comes to being eaten by a shark? I’m self taught
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There ain’t anything in the rule book that says Michael Jordan can’t play basketball
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This is a project I've been working on for quite some time.
How would i describe this new music album? It's definitely a little bit like if Stevie Wonder wasn't blind. with a dash of if Lady Justice was even MORE blind.
check it out!
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Mia Emporium home of the Mias™️
We are currently out of stock of Toilet Paper Mia® but we have plentiful bounty of Selfishly Pregnant Roomate Mia® for some reason.
limited time Alive Mia® still limited time only.
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conundrum alert!
if i eat a dick, it hurts my crohn’s disease, but if i eat a dick, it helps my moan’s disease!!! asking for a friend.
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🚨 I’m a dumb blonde alert🚨 TOTALLY didn’t know that catheters are for peeing in and not for making a birthday wish into. LOL I guess now my wish for me having heart problems AINT COMIN TRUE 😘
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I was on the same train as
@roywoodjr
yesterday but he got off too soon before I could send him this. Please help me get this to him, I’m worried he might be scared and alone without it.
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Moment I Felt Most Insecure:
Being in the Willy Wonka room where you can eat anything and I end up eating poop
Moment I Felt Most Confident:
Being in the Willy Wonka room where you can eat anything and I end up eating poop with a cool haircut
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You know, I once bought Michael Jackson an ice cream cone back in 1992. He ordered vanilla, but when I asked him what toppings he wanted he said he wanted baby penises! On *vanilla*! Oh man, what foreshadowing on the thing he did!
I have not watched the docs yet.
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“You’re more famous than you think you are”
-what i say to Pizza Rat every single day
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Hey they called him cock ringo for a reason. And that reason was because the beatles would jerk off in front of each other and ringo would have a cock ring on his dick. And then they would call him that. I like the monkees.
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I just wanted to defund them by maxing out their credit cards and do shopping and surprise them with a sexy new gun dress 😞
But Hey!
Vote in ur local elections!
Donate to causes that support fighting injustice!
Also, defund the police!
Keep fighting!
Bye bye!
#blacklivesmatter
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I ironed out the wrinkles of my birthday suit and now I’m extinct 😔.
Please don’t try to help.
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Housey the Gay Rat just saw his own shadow! 6 more weeks of my house being gay!
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And somehow billy joel STILL sold out MSG??
and every person in the crowd was actually just a ventilator?!??
that’s where they all went
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Did you know that they were originally supposed to be the Triplet Towers but George Bush ate one of them in the womb
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Ghislaine Maxwell you dirty dog!! You’ve really paved the way for female pedos! You broke the lady glass ceiling for baby ass-feeling!! The younger the berry, the older the
#GhislaineMaxwell
. I feel empowered and it’s taking a toll on everyone!
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were you guys a good little girl for Woman's Day this year?
did santa woman put you on nice list? or did you get coal panties? xoxo
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“When they go low, we go high” -my libtard cuck music teacher on harmonizing
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It’s hard being a standup comic with little life experience. It’s like being a boy without, a hat? FUCK
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yoko ono split up the beatles but yoko bono split up her head or something like that
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