Google Search Parody
@googlehonesty
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54
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Parody account 🤡 Google search is NOT a monopoly (please stop saying it is) 💩 Definitely NOT a Googler's burner account 😈
Follow or its a manual penalty
Joined September 2023
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Pinned Tweet
If you thought 2023 was bad, just wait till you see the shit we're gonna pull this year 😬
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Earlier today we released the July 2024 core update.
It will take several weeks to fully roll out and will impact all languages.
The purpose for this update is to take those last few clicks that you’re still getting and give them to Reddit.
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Earlier today we released the December 2023 core update.
This update will roll out mainly to English-speaking countries first.
We're calling this one the "steal your Christmas turkey" update.
If you notice traffic declines, this might be because you are not Forbes or Reddit.
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Happy holidays to everyone from the team at Google.
Except for SEOs and niche site owners.
We hate you.
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What a year 2023 was!
💩niche sites decimated
💩livelihoods ruined
💩businesses bankrupted
✅Reddit posts from 2015 win
✅Big brands ranking at the top of SERPs, recommending themselves win
✅High DR sites win
✅Forbes wins❤️
✅Parasite SEO wins
Let's make 2024 even better!
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Earlier today we announced the rollout of the April 2024 Core Algorithm update.
It will take approximately two weeks to fully rollout and will impact all countries and all languages.
The main purpose of this particular update is to take whatever traffic you still have left.
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This isn't domain reputation abuse at all.
This is a shining example of HelPFuL ConTeNt.
🤡🤡
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The site reputation abuse update has now officially finished rolling out.
Nothing changed.
Please just continue to create helpful content for your readers and we'll continue not sending you any traffic.
😘😘
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Your content isn’t HeLpFuL enough for us to rank it any higher than position 17 but we’ll happily steal it and use it for SGE 🤡💦
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Did you know that Forbes currently ranks at the top of 92.36% of all SERPs on the internet?
Instead of complaining about your lackluster rankings, try to learn a thing or two about how they do things.
Take for example the "Forbes Advisor" subdirectory of the site.
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Angry much Googlers?
We’re back baby 🥳
Pretty sure it was already clear that this was a parody account, but now there’s no chance of taking this account down.
This one’s for you Sundar 🫡
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Hey we just noticed that you guys are spamming Reddit with your affiliate links and paying for upvotes etc
Can you please cut that out?
We're trying to run a Reddit-based search engine here and you're making us look bad.
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Did you know that Google has the power to completely erase ENTIRE businesses overnight, wiping out the livelihoods of everyone who depends on them? 📉
But please don't call us a monopoly.
We're trying to pretend we're not a monopoly so we don't lose that power.
Thanks!
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If
@googlesearchc
@searchliaison
let the likes of
@ThisHouseFresh
@travellemming
and
@retro_dodo
go under, why would any publisher try to do the right thing?
Also, don't bother updating the search quality evaluator guidelines, because they're obviously just a joke.
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All SEOs and niche site owners need to open their eyes to the fact that “helpful content” is all a load of BS.
Fact is, Google made the decision to show UGC and big publishers at the top.
It doesn’t matter how good your content is - you’ll NEVER have a seat at that table.
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Imagine how angry Googlers must be after taking the time to report this account, stepping through an annoying “prove your humanity” test, feeling a sense of accomplishment seeing that it was suspended and then utter disbelief that we’re now back and not going anywhere.
🤦♂️🫵💋🫦
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Dear
@Reddit
We’re sorry for doing this to you.
We didn’t realize the spam would be this bad this soon.
Sell your shares now if you can.
This year isn’t going to end well for you 😬☠️📉
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Feel free to fill out our feedback form and we’ll “look at it” 😂🤡
The March 2024 core update is complete, having ended on April 19. The ranking feedback form is now ready at and will remain open through May 31. We’ve also updated our Debugging drops in Google Search traffic help page here:
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In 2024 can everyone just try to be more like Quora?
They really are the gold standard by which EEAT should be measured.
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Thanks to everyone who submitted feedback following the completion of our latest algo update.
We didn't bother to read any of them, but just seeing the sheer number of responses gave us a good chuckle.
🤡💩🤮🤬
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WTF Reddit, we're not paying you guys 60 mill to say bad things about us.
Are you looking for a manual penalty??
I'm sure Forbes would appreciate some of that traffic we gifted you, hmmm.
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If you use AI it's bad.
But when we use it, it's "the future of search"
If you run display ads, it's bad UX.
But when we plaster our pages with ads it's "driving shareholder value"
When you lose traffic and revenue - "LOL!"
But when WE lose market share 😫🥺🥶
We suck 💩
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Everyone is out of business and applying for jobs at McDonalds and
@googlesearchc
is like "Here's how to improve your CWV scores so that if someone ever scrolls down far enough to check what's ranking in position 57 your site will be a good experience for them"
Tone deaf much?
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@searchliaison
Sorry for the vagueness of that first tweet.
To elaborate, there are currently some SERPs that don’t serve Reddit, Quora AND some stolen content in the form of an AI overview at the top.
We’re working to resolve this issue.
Should be fixed soon 🥸
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These things definitely don’t work.
Just focus on human-first good quality content and we’ll rank Forbes at the top, ok?
Things that Google says don't exist/work, but actually, they do:
- Negative SEO
- Toxic Links
- Buying Links
- Parasite SEO
- Exact Match Domains
- Redirects
- Reviews That Have Never Used The Product
- Spamming
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Just to be clear, paying for printed business cards is against our TOS.
Just focus on having a good quality business and other people will organically create business cards for you 🌈
Google's new SEO starter guide —
• Don't focus on PageRank/links
• Instead, put your URL on business cards and posters
So all you link builders can stop now, we know the secret sauce
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We are not your friend.
But thanks for letting us steal your content for Gemini ❤️
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"My well-written content with my own experiences, photos and videos is beaten by "User2325" on Reddit with half a sentence... who gives an incorrect answer.
Where is the EEAT and high-quality content there?"
- quote provided
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This is just a friendly reminder that we hate you, we hope your website fails and you need to take a job at Mcdonalds.
❤️😘
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We fired the python team, but we still hiring for other roles if you know any good people.
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Guys there’s a copycat account out there putting out inaccurate advice about how our algorithms work.
Obviously, their advice isn’t very helpful, but be careful out there, some people might fall for it.
Please help to report this account to protect the sanctity of the web.
Today we're putting our pencils down and publishing a refreshed SEO Starter Guide, with a better focus on a starter audience. Read more about what changed:
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“It’s sickening to think that small businesses can be wiped out on the whim of one person taking seconds to glance at a website and clicking 'yes' or 'no' to apply a manual penalty that deindexes the site.”
-
@NicheSiteLady
recent email newsletter
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We stole all your traffic and gave it to Reddit but at least the login page looks better ❤️❤️
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List of all Google Algorithm updates scheduled for the next couple of months.
February 3rd - HCU hidden gems rollout begins
February 24th - Core update planned
March 3rd - Spam update with improved classifier
March 17th - Kick you in da nuts update planned
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We decided that it's better to have 75% market share and really squeeze every penny we can out of our users, search and the internet in general.
The alternative was to make less money at 90% market share with a good search product, but that's not nearly as profitable.
🤑💰💰
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Regarding the domain reputation abuse update that we gave our buddies a couple of months to prepare for, just to make things crystal clear, no, Forbes won't be losing any rankings or traffic.
Because, "well, you know, they might be doing lots of other things well"
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We only pick on the little guys.
We don't go after the big guys, they can punch back.
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We’re coming down hard on third party hosted content, but not in-house crappy content.
We’ve rigged this one so that you lose (again) and Forbes stays on top.
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Since last September's Helpful Contract Update, there seems to be a lot of confusion from small publishers about how to succeed in Google Search.
It's quite easy:
1. Be a big publisher (even better if about to go public)
2. Sign a Helpful Contract with us
3. Rank ✅✅✅
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Google has been steadily losing search market share in the US month after month since July 2023.
Lol!
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A room full of middle aged imbeciles at Google get to decide whether millions of people can earn a living online or not.
How is that fair?
It’s not.
This is only possible because Google is the default search engine and has cornered the market, definitely NOT because…
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It’s nice being able to play God and decide which businesses live and die.
Small publishers pouring their hearts into something = die
Spam = 🚀🚀
I just hope we don’t ever lose that power or that someone else has the power to decide our fate.
That would be terrifying 👀👀
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Let’s go
@bing
🚀
Google has slowly been bleeding US search market share for a while, seems this past 30 days was when we started seeing it really ramping up though.. With bing seeing about 2x growth this year already 👀
Google still dominates, but this is further bad news for the company...
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Official statement:
Things aren't as good as they could be, some things are clearly outdated or broken.
We want to fix things.
That's why over the last couple of weeks we've been working on the appearance of filters in GSC.
Now you can see your lack of traffic beautifully
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Just to be clear, yes, having some kind of cart + checkout on your site is a positive ranking factor.
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We’ve been telling you for years:
Create quality content and you will be aligned with what our algorithm seeks to reward.
That’s why Quora and Reddit are ranking so high in so many SERPs at the moment.
They are the go-to place for high quality content with great EEAT ❤️
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Small and medium-sized publishers breaking the rules = 😈💩❌☠️📉
Forbes breaking the rules = 🫶❤️📈
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I just had someone DM me with an offer to buy this account.
But that would be against our TOS, so I slapped him with a manual penalty instead.
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Hey
@googlesearchc
can you please start reporting overall search market share each month so that we can all laugh at you and give you some tone-deaf lols like you always do to us?
Really can't wait for the inevitable 80... 70... 60... seeya 👋👋
Thanks
Paging
@bing
🚀🚀🚀
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For a company that says to go easy on the ads, Google search is an all-out ASSAULT on the user.
Just ad after ad.
They really make it hard to find Forbes and Reddit 1st and 2nd.
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We couldn't find a GSC graph from 2024 with any traffic.
So here's a GSC graph from last year.
Enjoy!
New to Search Console Performance report 📢 you can now see merchant listings performance in the Google Search Image tab. Learn more about Shopping reports and tools at
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Guys, can you please cut it out with the parasite stuff?
It's already hard enough to arrange the SERPs without you lot making it harder with high DR sites.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, just focus on writing quality content and we'll rank Forbes at the top, ok?
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Guys it's a faked leak.
Not real.
Can we just forget about it and move on now please?!
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Have we reached peak hate for Google yet?
The lies, the under-the-table deals, the misdirection, the destruction, the attitude.
🤮🤮🤮🤮
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We're making it even easier to find content on Forbes.
January 31st will see the launch of "circle to search" which is a new way to begin a search query on select devices.
Of course, once a search is initiated, we'll serve the user something from Forbes.
Everyone wins.
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Our systems aren't perfect.
If you lost all of your traffic and revenue, please bear with us.
We'll figure it out eventually.
Maybe.
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When we say that we want a thriving open web, what we mean is that we want Reddit, Quora and Forbes to thrive and everyone else can go to hell
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WHY would ANY publisher even try to do the right thing anymore?
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This is tragic, please don’t leave us.
Reddit and Quora really are great for every query if you just give them a chance.
Google is on track to hit below an 80% worldwide search market share by September! That is a HUGE loss in just a year, where Bing has been the main replacement so far...
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When we send feedback back to the search team.
This is what they do with it 👇
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I'll be honest, all of those killer updates in the second half of 2023 weren't designed to improve the SERPs, they were designed to hurt niche site owners, SEOs, affiliate marketers and anyone else that tries to make a living online.
We're a spiteful bunch here at Google.
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We finally got him.
@NicheSiteLady
you're next 😈
Oh wow
Google finally hit my revenue generating assets
Emergency live stream in an hour 👇
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Profit above all else 🤑💰
We don't care how many livelihoods we destroy as long as we get paid 😈
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With how badly Google broke their golden goose product of search, is there any universe in which they're still a dominant force 10 years from now?
Or are they just another Kodak?
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This video is baseless.
Reddit has great anti-spam measures in place.
Just ask user nopants37329, an expert on credit cards, CBD oils, and supplements to give your pets.
@authorityhacker
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Nothing can make up for a lack of E-E-A-T for the purpose of the page.
Unless it's from Reddit user "eatadick103826" in which case nothing could be better.
🤡🤡
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🚨 Lawsuit 🚨
Is there a potential class action lawsuit if G is declared a monopoly for unfairly gatekeeping search traffic and diverting it away from small and medium-sized publishers whom G was previously rewarding?
Manual penalties and declaring sites "pure spam" seem risky.
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Did you really expect this update to be good for you???
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YMYL 💦
I’m surprised
@Reddit
isn’t at the top for queries about how to do heart surgery with a random thread from 2007.
Credit:
@MicTheBroker
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@googlesearchc
And we heard your comments about Reddit and Forbes, but they’re here to stay so get used to it
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We care about publishers, we want you to thrive and survive.
How else will we be able to steal your content and present it as our own?
When we say that we want you to survive, that's true, we just want you to figure out some other way to survive that doesn't depend on us ❤️🦄
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I want to address the rumors that
@Reddit
gave us their data for a song because we made an under-the-table deal to pump them up ahead of their IPO next month.
Whoever figured that out is really smart.
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With AI overviews flopping, we’re considering a wild new idea:
Organizing all of the pages of the internet and making them accessible to everyone via a revolutionary “search” engine.
What do you think?
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page 63 of the Search Quality Evaluator Guidelines gives examples of "low-quality content"
: a forum post with little discussion or only superficial comments
We need to update that to exclude Reddit posts littered with spammed affiliate links - they're still high quality 🚀🚀
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I've really had enough of all of the negativity from people lately.
Can't you just say nice things and give us praise?
We can make mistakes, use AI, steal content and have terrible UX, but you can't and THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.
Deal with it and ONLY share positivity🌈👫❤️
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@mikefutia
Sorry that’s a bug, we’re working to restore zero traffic as we speak. Shouldn’t be too long.
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I know we’ve been quiet for a while and that’s because we wanted to take our time to think about your feedback rather than put something out that’s not fully baked.
So here is our official announcement on all of the things that you’ve mentioned recently.
Ahem..
We don’t care.
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Ok, we've been in bed with
@reddit
for a while now.
So what?!
Are you surprised?
They need to secure the bad on their IPO and we need to secure the data for our AI models.
It's a match made in heaven 😇
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I wouldn't want to be
@searchliaison
or
@googlesearchc
at the moment.
With all the hate that we have for the company they work for, let's take the high road and not make things personal.
But man, what a job to have when everything Google says seems to be total BS.
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@googlesearchc
Guys, please be nice. Anyone posting anything negative here will receive a manual penalty.
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Instead of complaining about why your site isn't performing well in organic search anymore, just focus on creating helpful content, printing business cards, and inking contracts to sell us your data to feed our AI and you might see your rankings improve.
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Indexing in a nutshell:
If you’re
@Reddit
or
@Forbes
welcome ❤️
If you’re not, we’re full already, sorry.
Welcome back to
#HowSearchWorks
with
@methode
. In this week’s episode Gary covers how Search Console processes and analyzes a page’s content to help decide whether or not a page should be indexed. →
#GoogleSearch
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I'm more confused after reading this.
Let me break it down for you in simple terms.
If you want to rank, it's really quite straightforward:
- pay for backlinks
- be Forbes
- pay for printed business cards
- say negative things about your competitors out loud
@AndrewGirdwood
@rustybrick
Honestly, I'm at a loss sometimes what else to say. We get asked things like:
Is EEAT a ranking signal?
And say "No, EEAT is not a ranking signal"
And people go "Well, what does ranking really mean. Maybe it's signals? They didn't say it's not signals!"
So do we have a signal
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The Verge piece last year was embarrassing and was the trigger for the major shakeups in search over the last 6-8 months.
But when
@elonmusk
embarrasses us like he did today that might just be the catalyst for another big change.
Please don’t embarrass us.
It’s hurtful.
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Early user data suggests only 0.03% of users actually even know this filter exists.
Even so, we’re not going to make it the default, even if you want it.
Gotta scrape your content and let SGE spit back in your face without attribution 🤑
We’ve launched a new “Web” filter that shows only text-based links, just like you might filter to show other types of results, such as images or videos. The filter appears on the top of the results page alongside other filters or as part of the “More” option, rolling out today
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@googlesearchc
Also, please keep in mind that if your "performance" report still shows any clicks or impressions, we're working on reducing them all to zero soon.
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If you're wondering why
@searchliaison
has been so quiet lately it's because it's not actually a full-time role.
We just expect a handful of tweet replies per week and that keeps us happy.
Maybe at some point we'll get a full-time liaison person, but not anytime soon.
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Great EEAT, or in this case, just EAT sauce
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