๐ถ ๐ ๐ ๐ ๐ ๐ ๐ ๐ ๐ ๐
@goldimocks
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ุจุฑุดูููุฉ
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Pinned Tweet
Me: wait, I need to put my socks on
Sock puppet: ok letโs go
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Dates are weird like ok I guess Iโll dress up for my romantic interview
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This is how I found out OJ Simpson died, thereโs no way Iโm ever leaving this app ๐ญ
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Iโm being laid off on Friday & my boss still wants me to lead a new hire orientation & the devil on my shoulder is screaminggg
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Screaming โdealerโs choiceโ when he asks where to finish
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How many calories do you burn putting on a duvet cover, Iโm thinking 1,200
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[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
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*jennifer coolidge voice* I want student debt relief real bad
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The gang gets quarantined
Dennis, on the brink of death: hey guysโฆI think I might be coming down with something too
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As a kid I thought Prince was singing โraspberry paradeโ & was like hell yeah brother take fruit celebration to the streets
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Funniest intro of the series
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A 20 minute rant followed by โโฆbut, yโknow, whatโre ya gonna do?โ
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[new hire orientation]
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Antidepressants: do you want the will to live or orgasms, you canโt have both
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Older dogs get it man theyโre like letโs start this day off right with a nap
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A separate Netflix category for things that are marked as watched but you slept through
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If you showed me fried chicken then cut into it to reveal cake Iโm shaving off your eyebrow
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idk what I picture ppl in the govt doing but itโs never them working
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La biblioteca
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Im a professional but also I feel like this is pushing it lol
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โSNL doesnโt hire super hot womenโ then explain this
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Weddings should have themes like prom, themes like dinosaurs
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โBack to my boyโ ๐ฅน
RDJ praising Cillian Murphy
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The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
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[romantically] wanna mush our thangs together
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The Big Bang Theory is terrible & I have no idea how ppl find it funny
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[bumping into Thanos in a bakery]
infinity scones amirite
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โHIPPAโ is trending, so lots of hot takes from ppl who canโt even get the acronym right
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You want some insulin?
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I may be high but I feel like 80โs/90โs romance involved a LOT of saxophone? like too much saxophone. saxophone. saxophone. what a strange word
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Who up feeling weird & empty
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Bring back old names, let me meet a toddler named Earl & his best friend Larry
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I had no idea men wanted to pay child support this badly
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โYou look great, what diet are you on?โ
โPoverty.โ
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No one moves faster than someone whoโs porn is accidentally playing on a bluetooth speaker
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Who thinks Iโll make it to the top of this trail ๐ฌ๐ค
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Them: hang in there
Me: *buys rope*
Them: wait no
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No one could hold it together ๐๐คฃ
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whispering โbitch.โ each time I kill a mosquito
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Any situation can be funny if youโre traumatized enough
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I know Iโm old bc Iโm rewatching Twister & this time Iโm caught up thinking ab how much their auto insurance must cost
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Weโre not doing nearly enough gallivanting
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Nameโs Benadryl but you can call me Ben
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What if men got periods through their little pee hole
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Pssssstโฆ I got the job.
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I donโt like jealous men, but I fucking adore protective ones
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Holy shit some of you are socially awkward
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I HAVE A SYSTEM I shout as I reorganize my voodoo dolls
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@NjGuy51
Exactly โit feels weird to do that to the trainee as well like hi Iโll be guiding you through things for the next few hours but after that you prob wonโt talk to me ever again ๐ค
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If you wear your sweatshirt backwards you can eat popcorn out of the hood
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Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & Iโm starting to understand murder
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Most of you should be using ๐ or ๐ถ๐ฅ instead of ๐ & you know it
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If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
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Yโall better be nice, Iโm only gonna get hotter from here
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I hit 10k, which means thereโs at least 3k porn accts following me
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@jvnkyard_jake
@cal_gif
To me itโs showing how our culture has led us to go on social for dating/dating advice, but ultimately leads to loneliness
social is superficial & itโs shows how both genders can be shallow w/ demands for body type/count, money, height etc. when most just want true connection
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Feeling kinda down & need a sweet, older lady in customer service to call me Sweetie
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NO IโM NOT OK, I NEED SOME FUCKIN CUDDLES
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Anyone who lived through the Tickle Me Elmo craze of โ96 understands why Larry David snapped
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โAre you okay?โ
No bitch I need some cuddles
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My carโs true anti-theft feature is that itโs a stick shift
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*Pulls a rabbit out of a hat
Me: ta daaaaa
Friend: put your vibrator away
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women please stop having sex with conservative men
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Isnโt it time they come up with a new recreational drug, weโve earned it
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I love โhang in thereโ as a response to depressed ppl like donโt threaten me with a good time
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If Iโm ever a ghost imma watch ppl have sex & give pointers
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You can embrace your sexuality & still be selective
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Iโll be the big spoon & wake you up with cute little kisses on the back of your neck & shoulders idgaf
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In a few years Iโm going to market my vagina as โvintageโ so it appeals to the younger generation
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I need someone who will call me on my bullshit. Iโll hate it, but I need it
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Iโm a romantic; Iโm not going to fuck you, Iโm going to make fuck to you
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*pulls Rabbit out of hat*
Me: ta daaaaa
Friend: omg put your vibrator away
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If youโre a night person who transformed into a morning person, pls answer one question: how the fuck
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hi you seem like youโd ruin my life, I like you
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co-tweeting, a visual
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I bet Iโve already met the love of my life on here & blocked him
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If he canโt find your clit just pretend you canโt find his dick
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The first phase of the apocalypse is going to be wild, not bc of the power grid failing or the internet going down, but bc sooooooooo many ppl will be withdrawing from meds
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If youโre relatively intelligent & have high empathy this society can feel like hell
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When you remember this is bc heโs determined for the gang to perform Motown Philly for a contest to open for Boys II Men
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I know Iโm high but we named a ship Boaty McBoatface right
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Dear men,
Itโs๐ hot๐ when๐ youโre๐ vulnerable๐ and๐ real๐
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@camilli_amilli
@AlphaMasculini1
love that โalpha masculinityโ is scared of women liking horses over them ๐คฃ
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