her: no guy under 5’8” is attractive. that’s just facts me: oh? explain this then *i reach in my back pocket and pull out a polaroid i took of my father sleeping in his underwear*

(in a business meeting with top execs from a japanese company) hoshimoto: sir, are you listening? me: (absent-mindedly nodding my head while scrolling through google search images of marilyn monroe with her skirt blown up) yes, mr. hurushima

RT @Meatgirl15: Two pics that perfectly encapsulate the vibes of the weekend ahead🙂‍↕️

RT @god_brane: school counselor: what’s something you wanna be when you grow up, bud? me: porbably get big head sc: ok.. what’s another thi…

@sabrinaraeth huge inspiration for me but i actually went underbelly city dark

@roosterboostee let me guess.. your fav? 😁

@IHateNYT its attainable with the proper attitude and effort

@jukeboxcowgirl thanks for your $5,000 contribution to help make this thing happen

@Vibrator_Queen wash your hands first. dont want you sullying the clean porcelain

the man stumbles across the desert, dying of thirst and hunger. in his delirium he thinks he sees a door in the distance. he crawls to it and opens it wide. inside, i am sitting indian style, naked, and staring straight at him. neither of us know that i’ll be pregnant in a year

RT @god_brane: “go to therapy! men need therapy” oh bollocks. what if i toldy you (drunkenly holding my cock in one hand, two miniature fi…

@karikkotsu i just consume whatever’s badass and cool🤷‍♂️

@Felentelechy no i dont just toss those out

@barndingus ya… thats where i sleep

@barnaclebucket #keep it going never stop reading

yesterday meat girl and i had football on all evening on mute, with dungeon synth softly playing as background noise while we read. it was beyond pleasant. and now i’m onto book 2 of the dark tower series, which has been phenomenal so far

@STRONG_PlSS depends what position you are. long snapper… youre just a tool for him

@NathanHound he needs to know i will keep him safe