Meat Boy
@god_brane
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8,892
Following
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Media
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Statuses
16,862
minding mine own. @god_brane2 for twitch posts. boss @lilmeaties
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Joined June 2020
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Pinned Tweet
her: no guy under 5’8” is attractive. that’s just facts
me: oh? explain this then
*i reach in my back pocket and pull out a polaroid i took of my father sleeping in his underwear*
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yoko ono breaking up the beatles was ultimately a net positive because it created the butterfly effect of john lennon getting gunned down like the dog he was. im sorry.. i dont know what just came over me.. i ate a blueberry donut for breakfast and it’s making me hyper
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theres a peculiar man who lives in this home and has never left the island. ive seen him through the window once… long black hair draped his body like a cloak, and his yellow cat eyes pierced my soul like a super sharp dagger. rumor is hes never cummed.. i intend to change that
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tiktok hot girl: honey your greatest insecurity is literally invisible to everyone else. go out and slay
me, stitching it, head shaped exactly like a W: (staring silently at the camera)
my 1 follower: the sun always sets in the direction of bro’s head
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i dont like eating lunch with my coworkers cuz i’ll drink a glass of water and they’ll go “woah, big water guy over here”
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screaming and crying in pure terror when the dairy queen worker flips my blizzard upside down. laughing and clapping in pure delight when he flips it right side up
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adult education teacher: let’s try an exercise. if you could be any person from history, who would you be?
me: rumpelstiltskin🤷♂️
teacher: not quite. let’s try someone real
me: (transforming down into an impish man) oh but i am very real😈
teacher: so youve found me at last..
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me: so 7pm dinner? i pick you up?
her: works for me! and sure! youre car is normal, right?
me: *your lol. and yes, it’s pretty normal😌
her: ok perfect lol
me: (pulling up to her apartment 3 hours later on my giant spider) normal in the arachnid dimension i should add😅
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Morpheus holds up a third pill that can let me speak to monkeys and i grab it so fast i accidentally sprain his wrist
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my buddy’s got a huge salt lick in his basement and when i come over we normally spend at least a few hours goin to town on that bad boy
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girlfriend was gone for the weekend and i had so much cheese and alcohol on saturday that i ended up sleeping on my bathroom floor cuz my stomach hurt so bad. i cant be trusted to be left alone anymore
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boss: my back molar hirts so much:/
11:50am
me: im praying for you🫶
11:55am
boss: thanks
11:56am
boss: cant sleep, miss you so bad🧎♂️
2:00am
me: (rolling over, squinting at my phone and smiling) just two more days and itll be monday:)
2:01am
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this popped up on my feed the other day and it was one of the few videos that have actually made me laugh. the front view fuckin kills me
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there’s a guy at work who always claims he doesn’t need lunch, then every time when 2 o’clock comes around he’ll say he feels like he’s going to pass out. and im really jealous because i want that to be my bit
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Donatello: according to my calculations we should kick some butt tonight
Raphael: i wanna smash some skulls
Mikey: chill out raph, eat some za
Leonardo: just stick to the mission guys
me: (shaking, loading my wet pistol after falling down a sewer drain) t-talking frogs..
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2am.. (facetime call ringing)
my boss: (rubbing his eyes and squinting at phone) h-hello?
me: (incredibly drunk bloodshot eyes staring lifelessly into the screen) hey man hows your weekend been?
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my girlfriend and i each have one hall pass we can use on a specific person. hers is the guy from across our apartment, and mine is the faerie from baldurs gate 3
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some big huge guy accidentally sat on me and my body looks like a pancake now. paramedics are trying to blow me back up but it’s taking forever and my lunch ends in 10. boss is gonna kill me if he finds out i got flattened again
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(grunting and slowly lifting myself off the couch) i gotta stop eatin these get older pills (popping something purple in my mouth—noticeably aging 3 years) but damnit i love getting old
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me: if you feed a man a burger, you feed him for a day
if you feed a man a cow, he wont know what to say (because his mouth will be so full. a cow is much too big to feed a man)
my dad, 1 of 5 people in the audience for my open mic night: cmon you bastards, roar! roar for my lad
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gentle giant: i am going to pick you up and put you in the pan now, alright?🥺
me: (caked in flour and spice) alright then🙂
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*first day as a 19th century woodcutters apprentice* this is the start of my brand new wonderful life..
(2 hours in) well this fuckin blows bollocks. im gonna be a fur trapper.
(1 hour into searching for a fox) what the fuuuck man.. theres nary a fox in sight
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laughing rn imagining a dad wearing colored contacts. like hes a regular guy, goes to church, watches football, but he always has bright purple contacts in
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girlfriend: macaroni, again? you know what dairy does to you…
me: hahaha you need not worry, there is nary any cheese in this except for what was contained in the small packet
*10min later*
me: (squinting through crusted over eyes) mother, is that you? i canny see or hear,
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the mean girl at the office: i love the way your outfit looks on you. its like youre totally not even trying
me: thanks.. i.. i really needed to hear that today. i just got wind of my fathers passing, and my dog killed itself last night. youre my only friend in this fucked world
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me: 🤳🏻hey.. i think you left somethin in me
my surgeon: 🤳🏻no? i would never do that
me: 🤳🏻what about this (picture of my belly with somethin green lit up inside it)
surgeon: (desperately searching for his alien) ur not gonna like this..
me: theirs an alan in me, isnt their
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clowns should be slow and horny as hell so you can fuck them whenever
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me: body of pilgrim, mind of man.. hummm🧘♂️
instructor: fool you are, pilgrim is man
(wacking me with thin stick)
me: (catching the stick between my fingers, eyes still closed) nay, (telepathically sending him a picture of a turkey in a top hat)
instructor: 😭i see now🧎♂️
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me: its kinda weird, but i think i love you…
starbucks barista: my boss said im not allowed to date customers
me: (tossing my drink in the trash) then dont consider me a customer..
starbucks barista: you need to pay for that still
me: (pulling pocket inside out) nothin on me
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my regular sized son: hello father, good morning
me: 😒
my chipmunk sized son: elloi father! right cheery day today, eh?!
me: you are a blessing greater than 10,000 pieces of gold
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they did a study on me recently where i almost died because i hit the pleasure button 36,000 times in three days and didnt even touch the water or food ones
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(tearing a mans entire life apart) but good on you man i couldnt do what you do, respect brother
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sex work is real work👏 generously tip your servers👏 (watching a bug float in front of my face for several moments and getting distracted in it’s beauty) uh, use soap every day. (reaching out for the bug) eat new things..
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just got some really important news from my doctor. he said if i ever step foot, unannounced, on his front porch again he’s going to end my life
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me: you’re gonna love my buddy. sure he’s a little bit racist, a tinge homophobic, and a smidgen sexist, but he does a great baby face!
my date: he sounds… fun..
me: (hiding my hands in my face and giggling like a baby) would you like to see him..
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normalize farting so hard you fly into the air and bonk your head on the sky
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*gandalf and balrog freefalling into the deep chasm*
me: (tweeting from my rock crevice) um, two weird guys just blew past me?
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(slamming back drinks at the bar)
fellow patron: damn dude, you can really handle your drinks. seriously kudos to you bro
me: thanks man, but its not just me, im drinkin for two🫃
patron: umm say that again?
(lift shirt and my belly morphs into my dad’s face)
dad: hey🙂
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if i was a character in a horror video game id be constantly battling psychosis, have no fast walk option, and could only use the candle from my baptism to light my way. and every cutscene would involve a flashback of my dad teaching me how to pray
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trying to go viral on normal girl twitter: when im tired that’s the real me💅
trying to go viral on monkey twitter: bugs hit different when they’re in some hair
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detective: 1 foot tall, just under two pounds. has a mushroom hat and long beard. ring any bells?
me: (pushing gnome further into my pocket) do you hear yourself? you’re talking fucking crazy man
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me: *yawn*
my boss: long night? you should go to bed sooner so you’re more productive yknow
me: sory, ya i know. i was just up all night cuz i couldnt stop thinking of equations and riddles and stuff
my boss: oh, well, (blushing from embarrassment) why didnt ya just say so
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my dad: dont watch anime, it will negatively influence your life
me as a boy: sure thing dad! 🫡🤞
my much older dad on his deathbed: son.. im so proud of you for never watching those shows. promise me you’ll stay true to your word..
me: (dressed like sailor moon) i promise
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(calling my coworker i just met) sup man? i cried thinking about you tonight haha. how you been?
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me: been eating a lot of asbestos lately. turns out they were wrong and it’s perfectly good for you
very sick man who searches for tweets about asbestos all day: been sayin that brother lol
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roommate: what the hell man, did you eat my last nutter butter bar?
me: *chocolate around my mouth* hrmm, glerble dee?
roommate: stop doing that. i know youre not an alien and can perfectly understand english!
me: (pretending im folding clothes) yabin.. yabin be roon
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today we said goodbye to the realest boy there ever was. dobin will live forever in our hearts
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me: will i ever be pretty?
(closing my eyes and shaking the orb) please please please be kind to me…
magic ball: (jester hologram projects from its hole) thine doth remain a hog for many moons!
me: (chucking it at a rock wall) i loathe thee! (it appears in my palm again) gah!
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sometimes i feel like a tortured genius when i lack the ability to find joy from witty signs in a bar that all my coworkers find hilarious. but im often quickly brought back to reality when my journeyman calls me retarded for grabbing a 5/8” nut driver when i needed a 9/16”
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teacher: repeat the phrase?
me: if mess with bull you do, horns you will get
teacher: good! that’s so close!
me: (texting my buddy under the desk) everybody thinks im u, this plan is working perfectly
yoda: (laying on his belly eating cheetos on my bed) good friend u r to me
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girlfriend: (walking into my home) hello my love
me: oogh. oohg ungh (slapping the floor)
girlfriend: feelin alright bud?
me: (straightening up) you certainly look ravishing
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when i was a kid i used to stare up in wonder at the vents in commercial buildings. now im the guy who installs them. life is crazy and perfect in its own chaotic way. oh, did i mention i live in the mirror maze at the circus? i shoot my reflection evry day
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god in heaven: and there’ll be plants and bugs and monkeys with pancake faces!
lucifer: sure thing, you can definitely create the earth🙄 listen im gonna head to the snack cloud😐👉
me: (massaging god’s shoulders— whispering in his ear) you should banish him to hell my lord..
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sleeping over at a girl’s place tonight. im bringing wine and sour gummi worms
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me: teeheeheehee
impudent king: who goes there?!
me: (fading away) teeheehee👣👣👣
impudent king: (inspecting the tar footprints on his floor) no.. ill hang your head!
me: (only the small slits of my eyes visible in the dark hallway) 👁️👁️ come play with me *pitter patter*👣👣
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i wish my girlfriend had an onlyfans so i could finally see her naked
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do not ask the liquor store clerk if they carry mead. they will look at you like youre fuckin quasimodo, the fabled freak of frankfurt france
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every fella has a home wife he loves physically, a work wife he loves professionally, and a gas station wife he loves mentally. except for me. i only have men in my life who torture and corrupt me
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somebody keeps sticking their cock through this viewing jole i made in this stall. should i like pinch it or something lol? i kinda want to suck it as a prank
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me: let me guess, thought beetles were crawling on ur skin and peeled it all of?
guy with no flesh: yep😑.. uhh,
👇😐stepped on by an elephnt?
me: (self consciously rubbing my flat hed) tower fell on me😕… so, how long you been in purgatory?
gwnf: 3,000 years
me: fuck me man
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hypothetical situation: lets say i am giving you $100,000,000. and all you have to do is knock me over. how are you doing it? keep in mind, i have a low center of gravity
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this is how i am sitting at all times when im not on my phone. im either posting or ready to kill or be killed
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2’3” guy who— no.. im sorry, i cant do this anymore. i have a girlfriend for crying out loud. i should be picking flowers, not creating guys
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@Daggerlad2
she started blowing raspberries on my belly too but im super ticklish and accidentally kicked her through the ceiling
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wife: hey hon, just left the store. i got the almond milk, but i forgot to get the vanilla flavored kind. hope thats alright
me: (spraining shoulder from punching bed as hard as i can for 30 seconds) (picking phone back up) thats fine
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me: make yourself at home im just gonna throw some pizza in the ove- no mr wet me stop!
mr. wet me: (starts wetting on me)
me: christ im bloody drenched!
mr. suck me: (starts sucking on me)
me: no mr suck me!
my date: (nervously aiming a gun at us) which one do i kiII??!
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(holding a naked little gnome upside down by his ankle, laughing super hard while gagging an sucking him off. the village crowd grows in number as they cheer me on)
(slapping his nuts) lmao im gonna make him squirt! who wants to see some squirt?!
*loud whistling and screaming*
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(wanting to join in the fun but not quite sure how to make topical posts) i just captured ricky gervais in a big glass case
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baby bully: omfg everyone look at that prenatal dude (all the babies in the nursery laugh)
me: (telepathically to my mom from insode her belly) get me tf out of here right now
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her: we only have 30 minutes before we need to leave, what are you doing??
me: 🧘♂️(sitting silent, training my eyes on the floor) (a small naked version of myself sprouts from the carpet)
her: how did you..
me: he will be accompanying you tonight, in lieu of me. feed him hourly
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guy tries mugging my girlfriend and me. i immediately break both of my arms to get a whip action going on my punches. the immense pain from the shattered limbs causes me to faint forwards onto his knife. he runs. the cops arrive on scene and declare me dead. no money taken. i win
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ever since my girlfriend decided to date me, my instagram went from screenshots of tweets about farting into the sky and getting house invaded by leprechauns, to just posts of us smiling in different settings. ugh, she normal-pilled me. she ruined my life by making it better
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her: so what are some of your interests?
me: well i like to laugh (looking down and giggling shyly) i enjoy nature (i hold my finger out and a butterfly softly perches on it) and i love magic.. (i twirl and transform into a guy an inch taller)
her: 👩🏻🦳🤳🏻ya mom, he’s.. perfect
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guy 1: dude you are so effing reddit, it’s unreal. your cringe factor is off the flipping charts. it’s sad how basic you are fr!😂
me: (fighting off tears) *under my breath* crumble ashitus..
guy1: (body crumbling to ash) wtf? what’s happening??
me: do you believe in magic,,
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(running into pregnant ex girlfriend for first time since high school) wow, you look.. strange
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got kicked out of larvae chat after they found out i was born from a seed
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video title: I forced My Uber Driver To Eat Cheese!!!
(1st minute)
me: hey mr. driver.. want some cheese?
him: uh, sure
(i hand him a wedge and he quietly chews it for 30 secs) got any more?
me: nah that was my only one
him: gotcha
me: yup..
(9 mins of looking out window)
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me: you must be a prophet the way youre foretelling my future🥴
the blind man i glue bread crumbs to: (swatting away pigeons) blast these confounded imps!!
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(Stumbling upon tiny mound of rabbit bones in the forest) oh no… 🫣 (calling my mom) hey is dad there? he’s not?? um, just hypothetically, how big would his pile of bones be 😭
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id rather stay single forever than date a girl who wears those big hats
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cool coworker: i found out about this new thing. its called anime, ever heard?
me: have i ever (rolling my shorts pant up to reveal a tattoo of my dad as a warrior dwarf) whoops, wrong leg (rolling the other one up and its him as a tree) crap, i have a naruto one somewhere..
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(a notification appears on my holo-pad)
“you have been successfully purchased by the richest man in the universe”
(i slowly put the pad down and stare out the spaceship window)
gray wife: whats up, pie?
me: it seems ive just been bought somehow
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