Heidi
@edelheids
Followers
1,068
Following
630
Media
2,483
Statuses
35,175
crying out the crazy
the front stoop
Joined April 2011
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Pinned Tweet
Mom: your fish is always so still
Me: well he has depression
Mom: ....
Me: *maintains eye contact while crushing up meds to put in his tank*
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I don’t know if Chelsea and Kwame will prove that Love Is Blind but they’ve definitely proved that Love Is Deaf
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There's a mom in the target dressing room comforting her crying daughter & telling her that her changing body is beautiful and I'm sobbing
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are my pants getting loose because I’m getting skinnier, or because I’ve worn them six times without washing them: a memoir
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My mom took a mirror selfie with her front facing camera and I can’t stop crying over how cute she is
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I’m confused about why people are folding fitted sheets? You don’t just wash it and put it back on your bed? are grown ups supposed to have more than one set of sheets??
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Saw a shiny square wrapper in my bed & thought it was a condom wrapper but it was a York peppermint patty wrapper which makes way more sense
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If you don’t appreciate me at my going to Taco Bell alone at 10 pm on Friday night in my Taco Bell sweater, then you don’t deserve me at my whatever I do that’s less trashy than that
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Hey
@mindykaling
I have a lot of questions about The Mindy Project ending before I'm emotionally ready
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My Mother’s Day wish is that Mindy will finally post a picture of her baby and that the baby will look exactly like BJ
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Me: hey I’m vegan
My cute mom every time we have family dinner: can you have potatoes? Can I cook your vegetables in oil? Do you eat bread? I got you fruit for dinner
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Raise your hand if you are 0% surprised that LulaRoe is a pyramid scheme 🙋🙋🙋🙋
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CANT TALK ABOUT THIS ON ANY OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA RN BUT MY BOYFRIEND IS MOVING HERE AFTER A YEAR AND 8 MONTHS OF LONG DISTANCE AND WE’RE GONNA LIVE TOGETHER AND IM SO HAPPY BYE FOREVER
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Upset - Come On Eileen
Weak - Come On Eileen
Lonely - Come On Eileen
Sinned - Come On Eileen
Worried - Come On Eileen
Anxious - Come On Eileen
Unhappy - Come On Eileen
In danger - Come On Eileen
Depressed - Come On Eileen
Lack of Faith - Come On Eileen
Need Courage - Come On Eile
Upset - John 14
Weak - Psalm 18:1-29
Lonely - Psalm 23
Sinned - Psalm 51
Worried - Matthew 8:18-31
Anxious - Philippians 4:4-9
Unhappy - Colossians 3:12-17
In danger - Psalm 91
Depressed - Psalm 27
Lack of Faith - Exodus 14
Need Courage - Joshua 1
Need Direction - Psalm 73:21-26
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Just saw a Make America Great Again hat get run over on the freeway and I really hope that was symbolic of what's to come
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two years ago today, Clint and I matched on tinder then one year ago today, we kissed for the first time, and now he’s the most important person in my life and I’m just feeling all kinds of emo about it
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Most people: wow its 112° I should wear shorts or a dress today
Me: wow it’s 112° guess you’ll have to pry these black skinny jeans off my overheated dead body
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Yeah sex is cool but have you ever heard the part in Come On Eileen where it slows down and gradually starts picking up tempo again
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Did you guys know that there are people who are just like,,,happy?? And don’t have crippling depression/anxiety?? How?? Its fcking wild lmao
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Hello I hate running and will do literally any other workout before it, but today I ran a 9:43 mile which is probably slow for all of you but it’s my fastest ever so congratulate me or something THANKS
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I’m at my parent’s house and my dad put on the VHS or Bye Bye Birdie that they gave me when I was 6 and I got so excited and he turned to my mom and said “I told you we could get her to stay longer” and I’m crying
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My face with no makeup vs. my face swapped with Vince’s
I am SHOOK
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If I had a dollar for every time I've thought "maybe Im pregnant" when there's no chance I could be pregnant, I could send my kid to college
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Ran into somebody i haven’t seen in a while and she said i look radiant and instead of being a normal person and saying “thank you” I said “i quit dairy” so I guess I’m that person now feel free to unfollow
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AMERICA WONT BE GREAT UNTIL EVERY GROWN ASS ADULT LEARNS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOSE AND LOOSE
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When Dwight finds Pam crying and says “who did this to you” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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Pretty shook that people are still wearing and selling LulaRoe in the year of our Lord 2018
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In a constant battle with myself about whether I want Steve Carrell to be my dad or daddy
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Did you know that to get into super VIP heaven you just have to tweet a lot of relatable Mormon jokes
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Why is Facebook full of people who talk shit about twitter while their whole Facebook feed is screenshots of funny tweets they’ve shared from other pages
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“Millennials can never stop looking at their phones and have a real conversation”
my 26 year old client didn’t touch her phone once during her 3 hr hair appointment yesterday and my 84 year old client spent the entire 2 hrs on Facebook looking at memes but
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@toastprincess6
Ok I always worry my clients will be hurt if I don’t post them!! But sometimes the lighting was shit or I took them too hastily and the pics are bad but I should post anyway to not hurt their feelings
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I can’t wait to have a husband so I can force him to participate in 30 Instagram stories every day about our very average life 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍
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My dad is starting a small business selling his cutting boards soon and maybe I'm biased, but I'm in love.
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feeling annoyed that mormons look down on me for drinking coffee and alcohol but conveniently ignore the part of the WoW that says meat should be eaten sparingly in times of famine, wyd
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Missed connection: we made eye contact at the TBS show. I was wearing all black. you had long hair and a guitar. you are
@AdamDamnLazzara
.
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I met a youth today who didn't even know chris pratt used to be fat. WHY ARENT WE TEACHING OUR KIDS THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE
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If you’re having a bad day, just remember how PRIVILEGED we are to be on this earth at the same time as Donald Glover
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Sorry but I literally stop breathing every time I look at John in that suit
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all I can think about is food until somebody asks where I want to eat and then it's like I've never heard of a single restaurant in my life
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Things not to say when your hair stylist texts you that her brother unexpectedly died & she needs to reschedule your appt:
“Okay.” (Then get online & reschedule for the same week without asking)
“I’m leaving for vaca next week can you get me in sooner?”
“Is the autopsy back yet?”
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turns out it's really hard to be relatable on twitter when you actually medicate for your depression and aren't a virgin
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I'm white but not "dream catcher hanging from my rear view mirror" white
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There are two types of people at the gym on Friday nights:
1. Really fit people
2. Sad people crying on the stairmaster (me)
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How, in the year of our lord 2018, are people still calling the radio station on Saturday nights to request songs
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I had an new client today who was a little older, and when I finished her cut, she said “this was like getting your haircut with your best friend” and I’m still crying about it
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It’s
#WorldAdoptionDay
which means i get to be sappy & cry all day about the amount of love i have in my life because my parents adopted me & my brother & sister. i can’t imagine a life without them. 💛💛
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a selfie a day keeps the depression away!!!!
(this is not true I am very depressed thank you for your time)
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yeah sex is cool but have you ever woken up and realized you can hit snooze four times before you actually have to get up
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Like that scene in the office where Jim asks Kelly what’s new and she tells him about Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise’s new baby, but it’s my family asking what’s new and me telling them that
@mindykaling
had a baby
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Level of single: Bought a candle just because it smelled like a man
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You can officially get married in the Vegas Taco Bell, and I 100% would do that. Who wants to marry me before God, family, and chalupas
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gorgeous, gorgeous girls apologize to their therapist for crying even though their therapist is being paid $165 an hour to listen to them cry
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Ever eat an entire sleeve of Oreos and wonder why you can’t stop then start your period and everything makes sense
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are you even on your period if you don’t ugly cry to Hamilton in your car
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What if monthly baby posts never stopped? Heidi is 306 months! Sleeps through the night, hates people, loves food, & is a disappointment <3
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*guy at the gym smiles at me*
Me: wow it's crazy how literally everybody is in love with me
*five minutes later*
I will be alone forever
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I came to church with my parents (please bless i don’t get struck down) and a little girl just yelled from the pulpit, “Mary did you know THAT THIS IS SCARING ME”
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Hello I am deathly afraid of birds, to an extreme, and I saved a dying one today, please tell me I’m amazing before the anxiety of getting close to a bird twenty minutes ago consumes me entirely
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To the world it may just be one subtweet, but to one person your subtweet may be the world
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I’ve somehow managed to slowly and unknowingly rip off the arm of my boyfriend pillow in my sleep over the last 6 months, and unfortunately, I think that’s a pretty good representation of my real relationships
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Dad Vince: son, now that you're 18 I want you to have these
Son: wait..are these...
Dad Vince: *tearfully*: yes, my old chastity jorts
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Just found out that Josh Groban was the inspiration for The One That Got Away by Katy Perry
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On Monday my mom asked if Vince and I are dating and today she said we should get a DNA test to see if we’re related WHAT A WILD RIDE
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THE GREATEST SHOWMAN HOLY SHIT
I CRIED EVERY TIME ANYBODY STARTED SINGING BUT ESPECIALLY ZAC
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PSA: just bc a typically outgoing person is being quiet doesn't mean you have the right to demand to know what's wrong with them
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A client at work made every other employee at the salon a board with their wedding anniversary dates, and gave me a $30 Taco Bell gift card, and I’ve never been happier to not be married
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I’m an almost 30 year old, self-employed, strong, independent woman and I just spent 20 minutes flat ironing my shirt because I don’t own a real iron
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big month for me - my boyfriend is moving here to live together, but more importantly my STARDEW VALLEY BOYFRIEND JUST ACCEPTED MY MARRIAGE PROPOSAL AND WILL ALSO BE MOVING IN WITH ME
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I told my mom I’m gonna wear a jumpsuit if I ever get married and she got so upset and said “oh honeyyyyyy. No. Is it going to say Yo Quiero Taco Bell on it?”
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Why is my entire Instagram feed rn 6 day old posts that I liked when I saw them SIX GD DAYS AGO
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RT if Vince and I should get married at the Las Vegas Taco Bell this weekend
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Trump is like a toilet paper roll that's goes under and not over. I've never met anybody who supports it, but somehow it keeps happening.
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