Ean Hammond
@eanhammond
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1,398
Following
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I'm the one laughing when it's the most inappropriate
Pennsylvania, USA
Joined June 2008
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Trying to impress all those youth group girls with chair stacking skills
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I think evangelicals enjoy the wrath of God a little too much
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I just read that the average 30-year-old has $47,000 saved for retirement. Who are these people, and can they share some of their money with me?
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I just found out some people get in the shower and then turn it on—you monsters.
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Please tell me, have other people heard of a cookie table at a wedding?
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Me: what do you want to be when you grow up?
5 yr old: *walks up to me and gets close to my face and whispers* chaos
I’ve never been more terrified in my life
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What’s the difference between a Pastor’s salary and a large pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four.
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I was wrong. I'm not taking any further questions.
A queen size bed is perfectly adequate for two people to sleep in. A king size bed is a waste of space.
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TW Suicide:
I recently went into the VA to get some blood work done, and the nurse asked me how my mental health was and if I’ve had any suicidal thoughts. I thought this was odd because I was just there to give blood, not a health screening.
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Running into your therapist in a mosh pit wasn't something I thought I would check off in my thirties.
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Biggest Pet Peeve: Leaving unfinished time on the microwave.
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When you’re reading the scriptures and something that you have read a million times suddenly has new life and new meaning. Brings me to tears.
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Last night at church, someone was talking about Turning Red,
“I heard that there's a scene where they're not giving a boy the wifi password cause they know what he’ll do with it. That promotes porn.”
I watched it last night; there's no such scene.
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Is being single in your thirties just constantly having crushes that never pan out?
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*first time attending Midnight Mass*
Me: *leaning over to the lady next to me, pointing in the book*
Is this the Latin portion of the reading?
Lady: Oh honey, that's Spanish
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A queen size bed is perfectly adequate for two people to sleep in. A king size bed is a waste of space.
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Them: How petty are you?
Me: I haven’t purchased gas from BP in 11 years.
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Because I’m a vet, I’m 60% more likely to kill myself than if I never joined the military. On average, 17 Vets kill themselves daily. Between the ages of 18-44, suicide was the second leading cause of death for vets.
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Please check in on any family, friends, or acquaintances that have served in the military.
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I found my first gray hair this morning. Please respect my privacy during these challenging times.
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Listen, if you’re about to send an unsolicited dick pic, don't.
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Listen, you degenerates anything Christmas should not start until after Thanksgiving.
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I have accepted a pastoral position in Nampa, Idaho. Pacific Northwest here I come!
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I know of 3 friends that have ended their lives that were in the military. This is a problem, and I don’t know how to fix it.
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*ordering at drive-through*
Holy Spirit: pay for the people behind you.
*looking in the rearview mirror and seeing a van full of children*
Me: Hey, so I'm going to pay for the people's order behind me but cap them at $15, okay?
Holy Spirit: Why are you like this?
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The consistent battle of “I can't like this tweet cause I've liked too many of their tweets already.”
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Forget drugs have you tried listening to melancholy music on a rainy day?
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Hit an all time low today. Saw my grandma doesn’t even follow me back on Instagram.
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Did I just blow my car horn at a police officer for almost running into me? Yes, yes, I did.
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Am I the only one that will eat super unhealthy and try to counteract it with drinking tons of water? The thought process is that the water will flush it out
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Dear fellow male populous,
Please view the opposite sex as human beings and not as an object for your sexual exploitation.
Sincerely,
A fellow peer
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Getting coffee this morning, what would you like? And if you say tea, I’ll ignore you and buy you coffee.
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Today during therapy, I discovered the reason why I love cooking and baking so much is there isn't a creative permanence to food.
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Is it just me, or does anyone else see things move in your peripheral, and when you turn to look, nothing’s there?
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This made me very curious, so I went home and searched to see why they were asking me about my mental health. What I found was pretty shocking
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I married someone who puts the toilet paper roll on the wrong way.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers
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Did I eat two brownies for dinner? Am I a full-grown adult? The answer is yes.
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You can’t find a teaching of Jesus that isn’t critical of wealth and social influence.
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#WeirdChristianTwitter
I am going into the pastorate for the first time. Pastors/Teachers, what are some of your favorite commentaries that you have used over the years?
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Why must I insist on carrying all my groceries in with one trip
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Things you would have never guessed about me:
I served eight years in the Air Force
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I’ve been on Twitter since 2008 and have suddenly been more active these last couple of weeks, so where have ya’ll been for the past 12 years?
#WeirdChristianTwitter
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Ran into my counselor out in the public and I definitely made it awkward. Me to my brain afterwards
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Has anyone thought about if they were attending Hogwarts with Harry Potter how the entire faculty staff favored Gryffindor? No? Just me?
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The anxiety I have to not cough in public is quite distressful
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I just reached a thousand followers on this bird site. Thank you all for sticking around for my grumpiness and horrible, horrible hot takes. A special treat will be coming today for all of you.
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Remember, as kids, adults telling us once you have chickenpox, you'll never get them again, and now that I'm an adult, I know that's not true. They come back as shingles which are worse!
#liesadultstellkids
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What's my fault, you ask? Constantly falling in love with the emotionally unavailable.
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I once was a counselor at a super conservative camp. I would get up super early and go for a run in ultra-short running shorts and be shirtless as well. Let’s just say they didn’t ask me to come back.
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Just because someone’s nice or gives you attention doesn’t automatically mean they like you.
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@johnnarae
I did more digging and the actual average is $13,000 which made me feel a lot better 😂
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What I have found with years of struggling with a learning disability is that people tend to go for the low hanging fruit such as making fun of your spelling or even knowing how to pronounce or spell a common word.
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I got some new dice today that I'm super excited to play with
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