Duris Holmes
@duris
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John Malkovich was once mistaken for me.
New Orleans
Joined March 2009
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Watching post Endymion cleanup and if everything in New Orleans worked like post parade cleanup, we would be the kings of the world
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The shirt. Ted Bundy reference. I'm here for the Sean Payton Burn it All Down 2019 tour.
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Maybe if Rouses stops selling king cakes out of king cake season, we can make it through the rest of hurricane season
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I'd like to be more positive today, so here's to the New Orleanians who use their turn signals, the few, the proud, the 1%
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Good news on bone marrow biopsy. Suck it cancer. May see you again in 10 years, but I can drink a lot of bourbon between now and then.
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Fire him just for this
.. Dennis Allen apologies to Arthur Smith and Falcons - said that is not the way we operate - talking about Saints score from one yard line after lining up in victory formation
#WGNOtv
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If they deployed the Cajun Navy to the Suez Canal, this would be fixed by now
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You know Dennis Allen gets the baby from his slice of king cake and puts it back in
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New Orleans bruh: where people would rather wait in line for gas at a Costco that’s had a murder and two carjackings than pay more for gas at a place with no line.
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If Thoth goes rogue and goes by Children’s Hospital anyway, does the NOPD consent decree prevent them from chasing Thoth at 2 mph? New Orleanians want to know.
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I like to hate watch food channel shows when they do Louisiana food. Tonight alone I learned that Natchitoches is pronounced Nackitooshes, Chalmette is the heart of Bayou Country, and crawfish etoufee is made with milk and cheese.
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Fun fact: the cost of my Rolling Stones ticket in 1978 wouldn’t buy a beer at Jazz Fest
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LMAO.
DA: take a knee
Players:
Dennis Allen said they asked him if Jamaal Williams could get a TD. He said no, he wanted to take a knee. He said the players ran that play anyway. He said Arthur Smith was right to be upset.
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If you don’t have the players’ backs publicly, GTFO
#Saints
Dennis Allen started off his presser by apologizing to Arthur Smith for the end-of-game TD. The play was supposed to be a kneel-down … but the players were committed to getting Jamaal Williams a touchdown. Bizarre situation, to say the least.
#Saints
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The grocery store clerk called me baby and sweetheart and now we’re New Orleans betrothed
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Kids/amateurs, don’t play with New Orleans old people. We know.
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There's only one kind of Twitter Expert® you can actually trust: New Orleans hurricane forecasters. Bitch, we learned to track on Schwegmann's bags.
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Is there a bigger trust fall than approaching an intersection with the lights out in New Orleans?
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(1) An unlimited marital deduction allows you to leave all or part of your assets to your surviving spouse free of federal estate tax. (2) Louisiana has no inheritance tax. (3) Have some respect.
Early rumblings out of New Orleans is Gayle Benson likely to sell Pelicans in next year or so to pay for taxes on Saints
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The Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon has nothing on the Six Degrees of Everybody in New Orleans.
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Dear Katrina (and associated villains), you took things from me. You took people from others. You didn’t take New Orleans. You didn’t take us. You didn’t take today. So I’m living today like there’s no tomorrow, with family and friends. Be good y’all.
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I’m guessing because we would try and eat them first
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Nothing says “we give up” like the City “fixing” the lights at Prytania and Jackson by just putting up stop signs
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The
@BreauxMart
cashier called the guy in front of me baby, dear, and honeybun and only called me baby and dear, so now we must fight
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I can’t wait until Operation Mardi Gras ends with Rex and Comus meeting at the dump
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The greatest trick the devil ever played was the hurricane insurance deductible
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Facts of life:
1. Drew Brees is the GOAT.
2. We will never be over it and your telling us to get over it is as meaningful as a 25 point
@AtlantaFalcons
Super Bowl lead.
3.
@nflcommish
sucks.
4.
@NFLOfficiating
sucks.
Don’t @ us.
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I’m gonna need someone to invent a Louisiana fingerprint ID for iOS products. It will still read your fingerprint through grease, crawfish and shrimp leavings, and powdered sugar, at a minimum.
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Bitch better not be looking for a chicken sandwich
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So last month, started chemo and immunotherapy treatment for hairy cell leukemia. It’s real, with its own foundation and everything. Not curable but treatable. One reason they take a watch and wait to treatment is the treatment can be brutal to the immune system. And I’ve had
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10 things I hate about
@nfl
:
1.
@nflcommish
2.
@NFLOfficiating
3. Buck/Aikman calling Cowboys or Saints games
4. Collinsworth calling anything
5.
@nflcommish
6.
@atlantafalcons
7.
@dallascowboys
8. Cam Newton’s wardrobe
9.
@nflcommish
10.
@nflcommish
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Please begin all Steve Gleason tweets with "He's fine" and then the rest of the tweets
New Orleans Saints legend Steve Gleason inspires Hurricane Ida victims
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Question of the day: how do you have a (expensive) restaurant in New Orleans and serve imported shrimp? I don’t think it’s a chain either.
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When I was a kid, we only had McKenzies king cake and crappy Saints teams. May my kids never know such adversity.
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Twenty years with
@PrincessMarkell
! This has been by far our hardest, but I couldn’t be more blessed to have this beautiful, kind, wonderful woman to get us through it. Let’s do twenty more.
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The same people who eat king cake out of season shoot fireworks after New Years Eve and must be stopped
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To the nice man who honked at me as I let an older gentleman with a cane finish crossing the street, then flipped me off when I pointed out the older man, I hope Chad camps on your lawn for the next 7 days
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One thing I hope never gets cancelled is New Orleanians calling each other baby, my baby, etc.
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New Orleanians: Can’t figure out that you can turn left on red after stop.
Also New Orleanians: Will do 85 in left lane coming off CCC, talking on cell phone, drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, and cross three lanes of traffic at the last second to exit on Claiborne/I10E.
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New Orleans:
Can't keep the street lights on,
Can't turn the school zone lights off,
Can't keep the traffic lights on,
Can come close to getting your lights knocked out by Teedy in the bathroom
The City That DGAF
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Turns out the office Cowboys fan called out sick today. Delaying ain’t gonna make it better. Second line around his desk when he gets back.
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My wife switches between Christmas movies and serial killer shows, so look for my body under the tree
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Does anything summarize post K New Orleans better than a Subaru with Oregon plates and a WWOZ sticker slapped on it? Ok, maybe a BMW with Massachusetts plates in a charter school parking lot.
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Good news: after crossing the Carrolton Overpass in a SUV, I am now rated to fly a 737 in high crosswinds
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Moderating my king cake consumption by eating narrow slices. So far, I’m up to 47.
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NARRATOR: there would be no counties in Louisiana
Several counties in Louisiana will be under a tornado watch until 7 p.m. CDT:
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Entirely believable when you still don’t have interstate exits
UPDATE: The Louis Armstrong International Airport has announced its decision to move operations back to the old terminal just two years after opening the new, modernized $1 billion terminal facility. (1/2)
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I’m gonna get me one of those house divided license plates but with Randazzo’s on one side and McKenzies in the other.
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New rule: prepare for a category hurricane higher, pack for an evacuation 20 times longer
#idahurricane
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DeepGrasisnotathing DeepGrasisnotathing DeepGrasisnotathing DeepGrasisnotathing DeepGrasisnotathing DeepGrasisnotathing DeepGrasisnotathing DeepGrasisnotathing DeepGrasisnotathing DeepGrasisnotathing DeepGrasisnotathing DeepGrasisnotathing DeepGrasisnotathing DeepGrasisnotathing
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Brother in law bought a TV off a crackhead at the gas station. Had the stuff to mount it and everything. When he turned it on, the Sonic Drive In menu came up on the screen.
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Going back in time to stop Hitler may be debatable. Going back to stop whoever decided to build a tunnel instead of a bridge through Mobile is not.
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New Orleans Twitter is unsurpassed for our meteorology, hydrology and electrical engineering degrees.
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When she started
@SLU_Official
, her biggest concern was getting good food (duh, she’s a NOLA girl). Now she won’t have that problem as she graduated magma cum laude and is coming home to work at
@LCMCHealth
next month.
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Talked to someone onsite yesterday who says the crane that fell on Rampart went 8 feet down and broke the sewerage pipe. So I guess between S&WB and street repair we can expect Rampart to reopen about 2029.
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At some point you just start to feel sorry for the Falc-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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If Schwegmann’s was still around, we wouldn’t have to worry about what’s in stock because we could sit in the bar
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Neighbor’s sister’s car stolen from neighbor’s driveway last night. Criminals kept calling owner to come get the car at an address on Claiborne. She just waited until this morning and went and got it while the criminals slept. Good thing our criminals aren’t smart.
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