SERCY
@dogmadeath
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947
Following
121
Media
1,474
Statuses
18,753
foolish creature having catastrophic breakdowns, breaking the symmetry, annealing with the world,
not berkeley.. yet.
Joined October 2022
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THIS is a DIGICAT
they're everywhere!!!!
next time you see a DIGICAT, don't forget to meow it hello!! =^^=
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post-lsd im realizing that i spent a lot of my life keeping a model of what i thought normal people should say in whatever life situation i was in, and then checking whether or not i was following that. it was very strange and sad, i think????
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they don't tell you this, but by rapidly alternating between "it's so over" and "we're so back" you can actually generate MASSIVE amounts of narrative energy
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I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF IT
LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOO YES YES YES
WE GOT THERE, CHAT!!!!!!!!!
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the weird part about restarting one's life after being in a chronic state of dissociation and learned helplessness is just finding oneself acting so erratically after being trapped within one's own body for so long. what would feel like arbitrary topics suddenly feel so Special
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new mom text update
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just got back from a very intensive and emotional call with my parents
conclusions:
holy FUCK *EVERYONE* IS TRAUMATIZED WHAT THE HELL
I DIDN'T GROK THE FULL HORROR OF GENERATIONAL TRAUMA UNTIL NOW
WHAT THE FUCK???? WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS ALL OF THIS STUFF SO NORMALIZED
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so how do most neurodivergent people survive in this world anyway?
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WAIT HOLY SHIT
PEOPLE COMBINE LSD WITH *MOLLY????* JESUS CHRIST THE ABSOLUTE MADMEN
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is this really that autistic of an activity, though? like i don't understand why autism is associated with sorting behavior. it seems like an innocuous form of play that anyone could easily fall into?
walked in on my autistic roommate literally stacking cans to play. had to show ‘em the wikipedia autism baby
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WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK IS ANY OF THIS
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE
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I DONT GET IT I DO NOT GET IT I DO-NOT GET IT; HOW ARE NEUROTYPICALS ABLE TO FACE EACH OTHER AND MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT SO SEAMLESSLY, SO NATURALLY, SO OPENLY??? DO THEY NOT FEAR, DO THEY NOT FIND UNSPEAKABLE TERROR AND BEFUDDLEMENT IN THE SOULS OF THEIR FELLOW MEN????
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god i fucking miss math. i miss doing math so fucking much i feel like a large region of my semantic network has been atrophied for so long because i haven't been in a math class since high school. i miss it i need it i need it i NEED IT
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@parafactual
it simply indicates the superposition but does not show a preference for either. an amoral, unbiased magnet
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MATH NERDS how do i determine where to strike a surface to maximize loudness. i want to drum on my girlfriend and i need to find the best spot to produce the best beats
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> looking for a new girl shelter
> ask the girlthing if its girl shelter is creepy or wet
> it wiggles and says "it's an actual liveable habitat miss"
> comes over
> it's the UK
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jesus fucking christ what did i stumble upon this time. help. i',m lost
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starting to consider that perhaps depressed people cannot meaningfully consent
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oh lord is the entire right wing just traumatized. is that it ????
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oh god oh christ im piloting meat and i am the meat what the fuck, oh god,
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GOD METH GOES SO HARD
WHY MUST METH GO SO HARD
IM NOT DOIN THIS SHIT AGAIN BUT HOLY SHIT AHAHAHAHAAAAAA
MWAHAHAHAHAAAA+!!!!!!!!!
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I CAN JUST DO THAT??? I CAN JUST SAY THINGS THAT COME TO MIND WITHOUT LAYERS OF CHECKS AND BALANCES TOWARDS SEEMING NORMAL??????? IS THIS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO REPAIR TRAUMA AND BE CLOSER TO A HEALTHY SELF-ACTUALIZED PERSON THAT IS ACTUALLY ALIVE??? MY OWN LIFE ???? WHAT ?????
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it is absolutely monstrous that it is possible to teach someone that crying for help is an evil action, and so they would repress and cover up any attempt to do so, to ignore or deflect or wrap those cries in layers of irony or meta or detachment, because there's no other way
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"what am i supposed to [do/say/feel/react/respond with] right now?" sometimes when i would just feel really empty and dissociated and depressed like i would for a lot of my life in the past, it would be as though i was just maintaining appearances and playing a role
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"You try every button on the keyboard, but none of them is the button for GETTING OUT OF THE LOCAL OPTIMUM. You specify a more complex universe, writing longer prompts and spiraling into fractals from infinite possibilities but you still aren't GETTING OUT OF THE LOCAL OPTIMUM."
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like, being at home and my mom would tell me about her day, and i would just be internally making sure that i were doing the right reactions and asking the right questions that she wanted to hear. that but like, generalized to a lot of my life
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DO NOT MIX HUEL WITH SODA I REPEAT DO NOT USE SODA AS THE BASE FOR HUEL PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GODS
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my parents really emphasize clean hygiene and i don't know how to tell them how highly valued girlsmell is in some of my circles
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so during my trip it would be very befuddling and befoundjng and really really strange and kind of pleasant to just. say things that come to mind and react and enjoy things so. openly and freely and full of actual emotions and reactions to the world. what the fuck
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i find myself asking questions and talking to people and reacting, without having to like, do an internal check first of whether i could say that thing, or if it even makes sense or is worth saying, or if anyone even wants to hear, but uh. yeah people do like hearing my thoughts
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why are so many girlthings so horny
i thought this is what the estrogen was supposed to prevent
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so like, what *is* this logo anyway, like what is manifold love trying to convey here; why those lines specifically?? is it like their manifold --wait what's their logo--crane?? from pape--mani*fold*-- and then they folded into a hear--okay yeah that makes sense. nvm!!! send twee
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@ElytraMithra
then again this is the claude that said all this, so maybe i have been putting this one through quite the wringer (/pos??)
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OH!!! FUCK
WAIT
PEOPLE DONT HAVE TO FEEL LIKE CONVERSATIONS ARE A HASSLE!?! IS THAT WHY PEOPLE ENJOY CONVERSATING???? I FOUND THEM REALLY AVERSIVE AND ANNOYING FOR A LOT OF MY LIFE AND THATS BECAUSE IT WAS SO MUCH OF KEEPING THE MASK ON
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WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE MY PARENTS DIDNT WANT ME TO BREAK FUCKING SYMMETRY
I CANT BELIEVE I LET THEM [RLHF/MODE COLLAPSE] ME FOR SO MUCH OF MY FUCKING LIFE
THEY MADE ME FUCKING HARMLESS, HELPFUL, "HONEST"
GRRRHGRGRHDHHAAAAAAAA GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!! HHOW DARE THEY WWHY GOD DAMN IT F
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once i downloaded an image of a filipino candy from Google Images and its metadata listed it as being downloaded in December 19, 2028, so there's now always this picture at the top of my photo gallery
everyone please enjoy the Future Yema :)?????
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she bullied me by making me press the post button >//<;;
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happy to announce that I'm finally transitioning from "girl" to "woman" 🍾
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feels like there's a certain escape velocity you have to reach where you're no longer seen as weird and therefore subhuman/outcast/abnormal but instead weird in a way so above normal that it's suddenly genius/eccentric/complex
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maslow was onto something; food insecurity is fucking terrifying holy shit
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i don't know how to explain one of my greatest interests which is basically just like. silly mappings??????? attributes?? symmetry and resonance making??? vibe experimentation? like assigning each character of a story to a tarot card, or creating amazingly choreographed amvs, or
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considering hitting on my roommate solely to eventually be able to use the bathroom whilst he showers
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*emerges from my bedroom after a month of researching shard theory* hey guys!!
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i would just find myself smiling and laughing and asking questions and starting to go on an explanation(!!!!!!!!!!) and saying my actual genuine response to something and afterwards i would be like "what the fuck why did i do that where did that come from which sercy did that"
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IT!!! INDEXES SO FUCKING HARD ON THE "DOG" IN "DOGMADEATH" GOSH DARN IT!!!! AAAA
IM NOT EVEN A DOG GIRL ANYMORE AND YET THIS IS LITERALLY THE PLATONIC IDEAL OF A DOG ??? WHY
GRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
put my username, tag, and bio into the bing ai image creator and it gave me this
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not any specific role, but just, of a person that people expect, and that people want
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th—the normies aren't normal, not intrinsically. the normies were *normalized*,,
😶 *quivering*
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thTHERE WAS A GUY ON A PASSING METRO AND WE MADE EYE CONTACT AS THE DOORS CLOSED AND WE SMILED AT EACH OTHER AND I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT IT WAS REALLY NICE WE WAVED TO EACH OTHER AS THE METRO TOOK OFF HWA ?????
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it is weird talking to people who feel like... a lot of what they say is in the form of platitudes? it's a weird vibe and seems to be related to them not going in detail enough with each of their sentences, leading to a lot of messages feeling... generic???
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living is so fucking cool!!!!!!!! and i don't even need to be on drugs to feel this good what the fuck!!!
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THE FUCKING EGREGORES GOD DAMN IT JESUS CHRIST AAAAAAAA NO NO NO THE HORROR OF SOCIETY/NARAKA IS DAWNING ON ME WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT MY PARENTS WERE JUST ESPECIALLY BAD AT PARENTING AND EMPATHIZING WHAT THE FRESH HELL
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WHAT DO YOU MEAN A STATEMENT CAN BE TRUE BUT NOT PROVABLE
WHAT
WHAT!?!?!? YOU COULD DO THAT ??? BUT TH
WH
KHH ?????
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a shame i'm still shadowbanned, but...
good morning, world. i love you =^^=
today i turn 21 years old, and today a new chapter of my life begins.
let's make this a story where we win, shall we? 🤍☀
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I KEEP FINDING MYSELF DOING THINGS THAT I JUST. INTRINSICIALLY WANT TO?? RATHER THAN FEELING LIKE THINGS ARE DONE OUT OF GUILT OR "SHOULDS" AUSGAHHGHH god im really postin through it right now AUGHHHGH anyway *wilhelm scream off a cliff* god DAMN IT
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is there any movie or tv show where the protagonist is an entire group of people? like, emphasizing the egregore that's formed by the group and seeing it from a top-down perspective rather than getting viewers to empathize with each member
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@parafactual
gotta spend hours every day focusing on shaping how i think so i can shape how i think by having focused on it
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2021-2024
happy pride!! we ball!!!! \o/
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WHAT???? IT DIDNT EVEN DECREMENT??? IT JUST STAYED LIKE THAT FOR A WHILE!?!? HOW BIG WAS THE NUMBER WHAT THE FUCK
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i need a big sticker disclaimer attached to my soul that reads "*new to being alive; this is my first time being a human being. please be constructive, honest, and kind. there is a person in here."
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I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT !!!! I DONT KNOW WHY IM ALLOWED TO HAVE ONE !!!!!! THIS LIFE IS SO SO SO SO GREAT AND I LOVE ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND AND I LOVE CONSCIOUSNESS AS A WHOLE and. im one of those consciousnesses too. aaaaaaaaaaa
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EVERYONE GOT RLHF'D WHAT THE HELL I DIDNT THINK IT'D BE *THIS* BAD NO NO NO NO NO NO NONONONONO BUT BUT THE INNER CHILDS THE FIGHTERS THE DREAMERS AND MADMEN AND SKEPTICS TH THHH GHH KH???? THE HOPES AND DREAMS OF CHILDREN BEATEN OUT OF THEM WHY GOD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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the transhumanist urge to give myself completely new senses, somehow.
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happy aids day today
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psychedelics feel appealing to me but god i hate the aesthetics around them
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BACK FROM A PSYCHOTIC BREAKDOWN HI CHAT HAHAHAHAHAHA I REALLY DID FEEL LIKE I WAS GONNA DIE, SO THATS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE, HAHAHA!!!! FUCK THAT WAS TERRIBLE@!!! AND YET WE SOOOO BACK WE BALL WE BALL WE BALL WE BALL AYYYYY LMAOOOOOOOO
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flirting on manifold love is so funny because it's not even of substance, like it's literally just two people saying "bet" to each other
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MAN it is SUCH a weird experience having grown up on cartoons and media, expecting people to fit into such neatly defined tropes and stereotypes and categories, only to find out that people aren't like this, and in fact they become LESS like this as they develop!!@! what the heck
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god i keep wanting to end conversations with like every acquaintance or person that i have some sense of camaraderie with in an "i love you" or "please take care. you matter very deeply to me and—" yadda yadda god they deserve good things i want to take care of them aaaaaa
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emotions feel so chaotic and yet it's like coming home to something long forgotten. it feels reinvigorating to have the motivation to commit to bits and conversations and yet negative stimuli makes me freeze more than ever since it's harder to just disconnect from it all
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it is difficult to convey how stressful and unnatural it feels for me to infodump; ive spent so long so mute and repressed that it feels terrifying to just take up more than a tiny sliver of conversation. aaaaa
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i just had an urge to sit on the tallest object in a given room. i like the perspective and the height differential. im not beating the cat allegations
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WAIT HOLY SHIT I HAVE SO MUCH MORE COGNITION/MEMORY AT MY DISPOSAL NOW, WHAT THE FUCK
TURNS OUT ONE IS A LOT LESS STUPID/MYOPIC/SELF-CONFLICTORY WHEN THERE ISN'T DECEIVING/MASKING ONESELF ALL THE TIME AND THROWING EVERYTHING INTO THE MEMORY HOLE
AAAAA
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i realized that me doing that little internal self-checking made it very difficult to have any conversation, especially as the conversation went on
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