Detroit News Pitchbot
@detnewspitchbot
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Satire inspired by the greatness of @dougjballoon but localized to one midwestern newspaper's opinion and editorial section. RTs = enthusiastic endorsements.
Detroit, MI
Joined June 2023
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FINLEY: Voters are playing a dangerous game by consistently punishing Republicans just because they support unpopular ideas.
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GUEST COLUMN: Joe Biden wants to waste our tax money replacing perfectly fine lead pipes.
By Bill Ballenger, yep still alive
Biden wants to replace lead pipes. He failed to mention that the unfunded mandate sets an almost impossible timeline, will cost billions, infringe on the rights of the States and their residents – all for benefits that may be entirely speculative.
#sotu
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FINLEY: We can excuse Matt Maddock for confusing the Gonzaga basketball team with military-age male illegal immigrants. Everyone makes mistakes. But Democrat efforts to shame Maddock for his mistake is an inexcusable assault on political civility.
A sitting State Representative sees a group of busses at the airport and immediately yells “illegal invaders” which is a pretty rude (and also, frankly, dangerous) way to greet the Gonzaga Men’s Basketball Team arriving for March Madness.
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GUEST COLUMN: As a constituent of Josh Schriver, I appreciate his staunch support for the gun rights my family cherishes.
By James Crumbley, Oxford resident
As your State Representative for Michigan's 66th District, I will *never* allow Biden-Whitmer Democrats to take our means of self defense.
*No matter what*
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FINLEY: If Trump can be tried for using campaign funds to pay hush money to a porn star he was banging, any one of us can be tried for using campaign funds to pay hush money to a porn star we were banging.
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FINLEY: Shawn Fain’s ‘Eat The Rich’ shirt violates the civility norms of American politics like nothing else I can imagine ever happening in our present day public affairs.
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FINLEY: Trump visiting striking UAW workers is a shrewd political move by a crafty populist. Biden visiting UAW workers would be an unmitigated disaster for his legacy and our economy.
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@ConspiracyBull1
@LLunaTrexing
The left embracing child soldiers is a good one for the 2024 bingo card.
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@MattBinder
@samyoungman
If the other four girls’ dreams were really crushed by not winning homecoming queen, they’re going to have a rough life.
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GUEST COLUMN: You said I’d see you next Tuesday, Charlie. It’s Tuesday. Where are you? Oh. Never mind.
By Attorney General Dana Nessel
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FINLEY: Did Michigan’s poor business climate cost the Lions a trip to the Super Bowl?
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@sjdemas
When Trump was president, 16.5 lbs. steaks were $12 and the butcher could say Merry Christmas when he handed it to you. Now he charges $300 and asks for your pronouns.
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@gtconway3d
@ejeancarroll
@CNBC
@SquawkCNBC
Is there a point where civil contempt enters into the equation. Two judgements including punitive damages haven’t even slowed down his defamation. At what point do courts run out of patience with this behavior in normal circumstances?
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GUEST COLUMN: There may have been roving gangs of South American burglars among the NFL Draft crowd.
By Oakland County Sheriff Mike Bouchard, serious law enforcement professional
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@charles_gaba
@dothejackal
@chrislongview
@What46HasDone
“Give people something to vote for…”
Like COVID vaccines for everyone?
“Not that.”
Like infrastructure investment?
“Not that.”
Build Back Better green energy initiatives?
“Not that.”
Student loan relief?
“Not that.”
Full employment & lower inflation?
“Not that.”
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GUEST COLUMN: My family left Michigan after Whitmer’s lockdowns made it hard to earn a living. Here’s how Michigan can win us back and grow its population.
By Kelly Stafford, ordinary person
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GUEST COLUMN: The Detroit Lions have become part of Gov. Gretchen Whitmer’s radical agenda of abortions and free school lunches. This is why legislative Republicans continue to support low taxes, traditional families and the 49ers.
By Rep. Matt Hall & Sen. Aric Nesbitt
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GUEST COLUMN: It’s next Tuesday but I don’t see you.
By Attorney General Dana Nessel
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@AdamKinzinger
Serious question: Is Taylor Swift’s fanbase really 15-year-old girls? She’s been a pop star for almost 20 years. I’d wager the bulk of her fans are 30somethings at this point.
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@CraigDMauger
It’s almost like the once proud Republican Party has reduced its platform to a simple refusal to get along with others.
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GUEST COLUMN: Gretchen Whitmer is too busy letting loose women kill their unborn babies to listen to the proper wives and mothers who just want tax cuts for the fossil fuel industry.
By James David Dickson, opinion haver
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Where would our columnists move the capital?
FINLEY: Mackinac Policy Conference, more panels, less legislation
BUSS: Hillsdale, it’s the intellectual capital of her Michigan anyway
BANKOLE: Not Detroit, that would only empower Duggan
HOWES: Bloomfield Hills, good for business
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DeVos: YES, embryos deserve school vouchers for private school but free school lunch for embryos is a step too far.
No matter what Donald Trump says about IVF today, don’t get distracted from the facts.
What’s happening in Alabama is a direct result of Donald Trump’s Supreme Court overturning Roe v. Wade.
He is the architect of this health care crisis.
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FINLEY: Iowa fans giving Trump the finger yesterday is clearly the biggest story in college football right now. I worry our democracy cannot survive such incivility toward a former president simply because he tried to overthrow democracy that one time.
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LEDUFF: I have absolutely no idea if the cleanup efforts in East Palestine are effective or not, but I’m mad at Joe Biden about it.
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@CraigDMauger
In fairness, most of the participants have never seen that anatomy up close. Or have any idea what to do with it.
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@theliamnissan
Remember in 2005 when a bunch of 14-year-old girls went online to be pro-anorexia? Andrew Tate is basically a 15-year-old girl from 2005.
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FINLEY: If we make the rich pay less taxes, they pinky promise to pay more of what they owe.
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GUEST COLUMN: The radical left attacks Matt Maddock for his vigilance, but few ask why basketball teams like the 1952 Hickory Huskers are being Replaced by players that regular Americans easily confuse with illegal immigrants.
By State Rep. Josh Schriver, 2-handed set shot fan.
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BUSS: While I am not a Trump supporter, he is correct that Taylor Swift is washed up and no longer popular with today’s young people, who much prefer the politically incorrect jokes of my Hillsdale standup comic friend.
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Jokes aside, credit to Chad Livengood and his newsroom colleagues that retweeted the call for LeDuff to go. Integrity is doing the right thing when it’s hard. This was an integrity move.
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Don’t worry. All your favorite Pitchbot “columnists” will have LeDuff takes today.
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@DougJBalloon
If Democrats, who I don’t support, can’t work with Jim Jordan, who I also don’t support, then I don’t know who they could work with, though I also would not support that person.
By Glen Greenwald
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If other Oxford parents had been as responsible as Jennifer Crumbley and armed their children, perhaps a good student with a gun could have stood his ground against a bad student with a gun on that fateful day.
By former state Rep. Beau LaFave, not compensating for anything
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EDITORIAL: By endorsing Phillips & Haley, candidates so unlikely to win their party’s nominations that they have virtually no path to the White House, we can appear above the fray & avoid responsibility for our tacit support of one party’s clear march toward authoritarianism.
Detroit News endorsements for the Michigan primary
DEM: Dean Phillips
GOP: Nikki Haley
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GUEST COLUMN: January 6 was fine, actually. It’s the price we pay for a free society, which will be maintained by our Law and Order Candidate, whose 88 indictments aren’t a big deal and probably just political.
By James Tignanelli, Police Officers Association Of Michigan
The Police Officers Association of Michigan endorses a man found liable of sexual assault who is facing 88 felony charges to be the president of the United States.
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Finley: Republican politicians need to do the one thing they’ve shown they’ll never do and the one thing conservative pundits like myself are way too cowardly to do ourselves.
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PROGRAMMING ALERT: We are two weeks ahead of Bankole Thompson with the Bankole Thompson takes.
BANKOLE: Unlike Whitmer, Donald Trump’s $400 gold sneakers demonstrates that he has an urban agenda.
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@SenLTheis
All the fentanyl consumed last year killed 75,000 Americans. It’s simply not plausible that 90 lbs of the stuff would kill everyone in Livonia twice. Also, if you don’t want to die from fentanyl…don’t take it. It’s called personal responsibility.
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GUEST COLUMN: I spend a lot of time thinking about other people’s genitals during my faith’s most holy season.
By State Rep. Josh Schriver, your tax dollars pay him $71,685/year plus benefits plus expenses
Contrary to Joe Biden, tomorrow isn’t Transgender Day of Visibility in Michigan. We will not celebrate sexual deviancy and self mutilation.
Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. We will be celebrating the resurrection of our King, Jesus Christ, who died and rose from the dead to give us
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FINLEY: I am literally platforming lies told by a racist ketamine junkie because I’m that desperate for clicks.
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GUEST COLUMN: Kayne West warned us about Taylor Swift.
By State Rep. Neil Friske
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@atrupar
Every year, at least one Power 5 champion doesn’t make the playoff because there are four playoff spots and five Power 5 champions.
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Pitchbot is devastated by Charlie LeDuff’s termination. Whether it was Detroit shoppers upset by the price of disposable aluminum pans or migrants talking about Biden’s America, no one found first name-only sources that can advance implausible narratives quite like LeDuff.
It’s official: Charlie LeDuff has been terminated from the Detroit News
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EDITORIAL: We are increasingly concerned about Democrats ability to govern after the “bring cookies for everyone in class or don’t bring cookies at all” rule was ignored in an alarming blow to the norms of political civility.
Tonight
@MichiganDems
@RepNataliePrice
handed out bad tasting, dry cookies to celebrate her first bill. Only two republicans didn’t get a cookie reward. Guess who?
@NeilFriske
and yours truly.
#HighFive
Neil!
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@LemieuxLGM
@DecodingFoxNews
Not to defend him or justify his heel turn, but it’s far move lucrative to be a right-wing shill than to be a fact-based investigative journalist. Our media climate has incentivized this.
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Statement from Detroit News Pitchbot on the Statement from Representative Joshua Schriver on Governor Gretchen Whitmer’s Statement on Trump visiting Michigan.
Josh Schriver is a dimwitted Nazi whose very existence calls into question the effectiveness of natural selection.
Statement from Representative Joshua Schriver on Governor Gretchen Whitmer’s Statement on Trump Visiting Michigan 🚨
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BUSS: Lauren Boebert’s theater behavior was unfortunate but humiliating a grandmother by releasing embarrassing surveillance videos is also wrong.
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@mattyglesias
Say what you will about Ken but he has a grasp on the effective use of political power to enact substantive change. Also beach. He knows beach too.
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GUEST COLUMN: Michigan Republicans must stand strong against the furries (possibly here illegally from Chile) who have invaded the Capitol to demand access to your kids in government schools.
By state Rep. Matt Maddock, former Lover’s Lane spokesmodel (allegedly)
In case anyone missed it last week...the college mascots are back in the Senate!
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BUSS: Activist moms say conservatives are being attacked for quoting Thomas Jefferson simply because the quote is fabricated.
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GUEST COLUMN: 313 Day fails to acknowledge all of Southeast Michigan’s regional assets, including most of Lake St. Clair’s gorgeous shoreline, Macomb’s fantastic banquet halls, and miles of party store-focused strip malls.
By Mark Hackel, not currently running for governor
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NOLAN OUT LOUD: Someone should remind Gov. Whitmer that hard work, not handouts or free lunches, led to the Lions victory.
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@mattyglesias
Back when kids could earn their keep in the mines. In Biden’s America, we are forced to send kids to “schools” which doesn’t pay anything.
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BUSS: You’re not my real dad, Title IX! I hate you and I hate my life. (slams door) (screams)
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@RepRigas
@hahafucvkoff
Is Moms For Liberty planning to post that on their Only Fans? Asking for a friend…
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FINLEY: Trump’s struggles to secure a $464M appeal bond shows how badly Biden has mismanaged the economy.
BREAKING: Donald Trump has been unable to get a bond for the $464 million judgment in his New York civil fraud trial, his lawyers say
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FINLEY: Holding dam owner accountable for dam failure creates a hostile business climate that will drive away jobs.
A federal judge has ruled that Lee Mueller — whose business owned and operated the Edenville Dam in Michigan that failed in 2020, causing a massive flood — is on the hook to pay $119,825,000 in damages.
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GUEST COLUMN: Controversy about Spartan Stadium scoreboard shows why representation matters in age of political correctness.
By State Rep. Neil Friske
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@DougJBalloon
@JDCocchiarella
The stock market is booming under Biden, but in this Ohio diner voters aren’t celebrating.
“It just means Harvard’s endowment will get bigger,” said Earl, a truck driver.
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LEDUFF: Lenore, a single mom living on disability, says between inflation and the cost of parking, she can barely afford to take her kids to see the Lions or Taylor Swift. Now Lansing Democrats want to tax their fun.
“With eggs costing $6, we already can’t afford club seats.”
Think Taylor Swift and Lions tickets are expensive now? Just wait until Lansing Democrats pass their ticket tax! 🤦♀️
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LEDUFF: Privileged elites like Mayor Pete want you to take an Uber on St. Patrick’s Day. But Rolanda, who I met while publicly urinating in a Corktown alley, says she can’t afford such luxuries.
“With Biden’s inflation, I can’t be paying for Ubers after I get my drink on.”
If you’re planning to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, plan ahead—have a designated driver or use public transit or a ride share. There is no excuse for drinking and driving.
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BUSS & FINLEY: Despite what Democrats say, GOP voters aren’t crazy for thinking Trump is a Messiah figure being persecuted because he wants to make housing affordable and show compassion to Palestinians. Seriously, that’s what we wrote with a straight face.
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@samueljrob
It’s a shame to see a historic parking lot that was so vital to the community in the District Detroit is being gentrified like this.
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DUMAS: Until people are willing to stop canceling Kayne West simply because he’s a literal Nazi, democracy is dumb and I hate it and I hate you and Mike Duggan isn’t my real mayor. I hate my life! (Slams door and screams)
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FINLEY: Democrats are shattering the norms of civility by politicizing the Alabama IVF ruling.
MSNBC: At least three fertility clinics in Alabama have paused IVF after the Alabama Supreme Court ruled that frozen embryos in a lab are children. The decision has sent Republicans scrambling, as access to IVF is extremely popular
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FINLEY: I agree with everything Trump said about immigration including the parts that aren’t true.
How a tall tale about illegal immigrants soliciting kids for sex made it to Donald Trump
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@RunWithRunestad
Nice to see Matt Schlapp finds the time for things like this in between groping smooth young male interns.
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@IndivisibleMich
@MIGOP
It’s always a shock to the Robespierres of the world when the Committee for General Security comes for *them*.
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@dananessel
Hey Michigan GOP, we’ll see you next Tuesday. And good luck selling that building you don’t own.
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@beyond_process
@jefftimmer
Bought that truck in 2019. Just 54 more payments and he’ll own it free and clear.
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@MCmuckraker
The judge said he’s not allowed to go home or contact his wife. That means we are a few days away from a stunt about sleeping on a Pleasant Ridge park bench because the woke judges and Biden’s inflation have left him “homeless.”
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@DougJBalloon
Slate Take on Monday: Let’s approach Lauren Boebert groping incident with more sex positivity.
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@MCmuckraker
In fairness, the Novi ammo store owner ate a lot of Twinkies. I’m told that can affect one’s judgement around firearms.
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FINLEY: Biden’s stock market hit record highs Wednesday. Without tax cuts to create a more favorable business climate, the markets have nowhere to go but down.
BREAKING: The Nasdaq, the Dow Jones and the S&P 500 all hit record highs today because of President Biden’s leadership. Think about that the next time the media tells you the economy isn’t strong.
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@nyliberal44
@sjdemas
Believe me. Many many people say so. Big strong Marines come up to me, tears in their eyes, and say Sir! Steak was $0.72/pound when you were president. Big, beautiful steaks. And they were.
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PAUL W.: Biden’s State of the Union lasted until after 10:30 PM on a weeknight. When Warren Mayor Jim Fouts held his State of the City events at the fabulous Andiamo Showroom, he respected that folks had work in the morning. Everyone was heading home by 8PM!
Biden: Let me close with this
Republicans: Yay
Biden: I know you don’t want to hear anymore Lindsey but I got to say a few more things. I know I may not look it but I’ve been around a while
Lindsey Graham: 😁
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@aimeeterese
@whstancil
He should sue if he was really defamed. I heard defamation judgements can be pretty lucrative. Like $80M lucrative.
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BUSS: An Oakland County jury has just criminalized fatherhood.
BREAKING NEWS: Jury finds James Crumbley, father of Oxford High School shooter, guilty on all counts of involuntary manslaughter.
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DICKSON: Eclipse proves we can’t count on solar power and the feds should increase subsidies for the oil and gas industries.
A view of the 2024 total eclipse of the sun as seen in Martin, Ohio. Photos by
@DavidGuralnick
, TDN |
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BUSS: Activist moms say Dana Nessel should get over LeDuff insult because their kids call them “see you next Tuesday” all the time.
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GUEST COLUMN: While the woke left consider 34 to be young, as champions of traditional family values we recognize that Taylor Swift is old enough to be a grandmother.
By Steve Carra, Neil Friske, Matt Maddock, Angela Rigas & Josh Schriver, child marriage advocates
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FINLEY: My favorite bar had it all — except booze.
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PROGRAMMING NOTE: Detroit News jokes aside, this was the absolute greatest SI cover ever. And if you disagree, go move to Toledo because you’re dead to us.
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@charles_gaba
The fact is we can vote for a guy who will protect democracy who is also tackling global warming, eliminating student loan debt, standing with our global allies, investing in infrastructure, and supporting a full employment/low inflation economy. His name is Joe Biden.
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FINLEY: Ronna Romney McDaniel is latest victim of the Biden economy.
SCOOP
@PuckNews
: NBC NEWS plans to drop ex RNC-chair Ronna McDaniel as a paid contributor following on-air revolt from NBC/MSNBC talent. Execs are deliberating over details; announcement pending. Meanwhile, McDaniel is seeking legal representation.
Full details, scoops &
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BUSS: Liberal elites mocked Sen. Katie Britt’s kitchen but activist moms say it looks like an ideal place for a SOTU rebuttal or to tell a gay teenager they are kicked out of the house.
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