maddie, hot dog enthusiast
@damnitmadeline
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special education teacher // she/her // abolish ICE // abolish police // Black Lives Matter // 🇵🇸
Joined January 2012
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Said to my fourth graders today “I can’t really see think I put my contacts in wrong” and one of my girls said “something is always going on with you”
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My last name starts with a W and today one of my third graders said “the w is falling off your name” and I said “what name” and he said “up there” and I said “that’s the word welcome” and he said wearily “you KNOW I can’t read”
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Once you learn that a large percentage of Hamas soldiers are people orphaned by the IDF it kinda changes your brain chemistry
Israel has worked tirelessly to make the answer to “do you condemn Hamas?” go from “yes” to “tbh I kinda get it.”
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Am probably on a list with my local amusement park bc I asked a child to go fill up my water bottle earlier and he returned with 32 ounces of lemonade
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Today I was briefly supervising my friend��s class & a 5,000,000 gallon jug of hand sanitizer overbalanced & spilled all over the floor & the children said “what do we do?!” & I said “I don’t know I really wish I wasn’t the adult in here for this” & they all nodded understandingly
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Trying to find nicer ways to tell people I think they’re overthinking something
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Are you guys on the part of Twitter where that poor British man is being read for filth by the fish community for the way he’s caring for a goldfish he found randomly lying in his yard
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We’re having field day today and this same child came up to me and said “you need anything?” and I said “no I don’t need you to commit any more crimes for me” and his homeroom teacher said “wait what”
Am probably on a list with my local amusement park bc I asked a child to go fill up my water bottle earlier and he returned with 32 ounces of lemonade
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Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
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Mused “that wasn’t very cash money of me” to myself today and one of my third graders asked earnestly “what do the things you say mean”
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What’s your guys’s love language, mine is earlier when bf took a profoundly unflattering photo of me eating then stared at it for several seconds and murmured “my little raccoon girl”
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I said “why did you do this” and he said “it’s the same part of the machine so I thought you got to pick” and I said “alright well unfortunately you’ve committed theft but thank you anyway” and he said “no problem”
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I feel like two of the three most high profile royal wives of our lifetimes were pretty openly like “hey marrying into this family is absolutely the most terrifying and fucked up and mental illness inducing thing I could ever imagine” and now the third one is literally missing
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This is the type of professional feedback I need (bf watched me teach for 20 mins)
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My cat is on his first sleepover to bf’s house and I think he’s upset that I’m also here
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My cat is on drugs bc he got a bunch of teeth removed & it is breeding resentment between us. Just now he squinted off into the distance while smacking his lips & I said “oh do your teeth hurt? bc you spit out half your pain meds? Do u see how that works?” he doesn’t bc he is a c
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3rd grader: can we say ass in school?
Me: no you know that
3rd g: what’s if it’s in contacts?
Me: what
3rd g: like “big forehead lookin ass”
Me: oh. ‘context’ and still no
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4th graders were complaining about how they don’t want to take the state test next week and one of them said “what happens if we all refuse?” and I said “what are you, unionizing?” and anyway now we all accidentally know what strikes are
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Not to be dramatic and nothing against my hometown or family but if I don’t get back to my own home within the next 12 hours I think I’m going to have to go to a mental hospital
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When I taught kindergarten and first grade I’d go “here’s the dealio” and all the kids would chorus “whaaat’s the dealio?” and before break I sat a group of my third graders down and said “here’s the dealio” and one of them sighed wearily and said “what now”
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3rd grader: why do you have that?
Me: my nose ring? I just like it
3rd g: it looks like they put it right through your actual nose
Me: they did
3rd g: oh my god. With a stapler?
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One said “can we pretend we didn’t see it until Ms. M comes back?” and I said “I dunno that wouldn’t really be like, ethical” and she said “what does that mean is it important?” and I said “that’s sort of a complicated question” and she said “oh never mind then”
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Well this exploded so answers to our FAQs are 1) I’m a teacher & was chaperoning a field trip 2) yes i did drink absolutely all of it bc it was 95 degrees & if we were goin to jail I wanted it to be worth it 3) no I did not make him go back to pay for it bc capitalism is a plague
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4th grader: I saw you driving your car in the parking lot this morning
Me: yeah did you see how bad of a job I did?
4th g: yeah my mom said that too
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Do people have fully prepped aquariums in their homes just in the event that they stumble upon a fish on the ground? Do I need one
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Hm I forgot I can’t tweet stories about my children because you all belong in the social skills gulag
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Sent two of my third grade girls back to class and said “I love you you’re so smart and special and beautiful and strong have an amazing and wonderful day” and one said “that made me feel good” and the other said “that was a lot of adjectives”
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Yesterday I was holding hands with one of my fourth graders in the hallway and a passing middle schooler said “miss she’s too old for that” and my fourth grader snapped “it’s not because I need help walking it’s because we love each other”
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@lukevanin
….because Israel displaced their parents, grandparents, neighbors, and leaders from their homes, restricted their access to resources, banned agriculture in the lands they were relegated to, and use Gaza and the West Bank as a literal landfill.
Say the quiet part out loud
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Me: okay everyone fold the top of your page over like this so we remember what chapter we’re on for next time
3rd grader: we’re not supposed to do that with books
Me: well they’re my books and I don’t mind so go ahead
3rd g: I can’t. The police might come for me
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This same child was walking behind us through a tunnel that holds a very large octopus and, unable to immediately find it, he asked loudly to one in particular “WHERE’S THAT JELLYFISH?”
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Sometimes bf doesn’t plan ahead enough for my comfort so I’ve started suggesting overnights via formal invitation
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Asked bf if he could non-metaphorically snake my drain and he said “I can teach *you* how to snake your drain” which is very sexy in the feminism way but very bad in the that’s yucky and I don’t want to way
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@rosru924
I mean personally I’d argue that the people dropping 500 bombs a day on civilians are the terrorists here but go off
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@eyezcreems
I’m not even being funny I’m genuinely unclear on what point this is supposed to prove
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Unfortunately I believe the person in charge of nyt connections is suffering from that stage of syphilis where it starts eating your brain :/
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@eyezcreems
You think an allegory about the occupation of native lands by white people proves a point…. in favor of Israel?
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pov you wake up on a regular day of being in love w me
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4th grader: can I stay with you during gym?
Me: no I have a meeting
4th g: do you sometimes just say that so we’ll leave you alone
Me: yes but this time I actually do
4th g: respect
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@arrtnem
Positivity moon remember how I teach this child for a living and you don’t know him at all
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No we’re not bc noah schnapp and that bald fuck who only plays bitchless weirdos are zionists 🧚♀️✨
millie bobby brown is A MARRIED WOMAN and we’re still gonna be sitting in front of the tv next year watching her trying to defeat the goobla booboo while mike and the gang yell about the power of friendship in the background jesus fucking christ
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Wearing very loud sandals today and as I whap whap whapped down the staircase at school a passing middle schooler shouted “GOD MISS THEM FLIPS IS FLOPPIN”
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This is the photo in question so yall know he really loves me
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Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
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@HeroesUnbound
It’s anyone’s guess I’m not really a math gal but I’d say like maximum maybe 2.5 gallons
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We have a new fourth grader from out of state and I told him he could not do something and he said “you can’t tell me no” and I said “wanna bet?” and one of my other boys said warningly “you’re not in Pennsylvania anymore” I-
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4th grader 1: Ms. W?
Me: yes babe
4th g 2 (new): did you just call him babe
4th g 3: she calls us a lot of things. My favorite is ‘my darlings’
4th g 4: my favorite is ‘children!’ like when she’s fake mad
4th g 1: my favorite is ‘doofus.’ I had to ask my mom if it’s a cuss
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4th grader 1: how old are you?
Me: 28
4th g 2: my dad is 28
Me: really?? can you guys imagine if I had a kid your age?
4th g 3: yeah because when I’m bad at home my mom says she’s gonna call you so you can adopt me
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Not to get discoursey at 6:35 AM but this blew up so let’s talk about a couple things:
Yes I’m a special education teacher so all of my kiddos have a learning or developmental disability of some kind HOWEVER
This is also kind of the state of public education right now so 1/
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Today i was giving a second grader a phonics assessment and he misread the word “shut” as “shit” and was so mortified and i said “it’s okay it was just a mistake. That’s the word ‘shut’” and he shouted in distress “LIKE SHUT UP?? THATS BAD TOO”
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To be clear this is because of my own inability to cope with disruption to my routine, my family are beautiful wonderful people who I love very much however my skin is itchy bc I haven’t laid eyes on my own coffee maker in 3 days
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This is actually so fucking alarming???
I know Munchausen by Proxy gets thrown around a lot, but you can’t convince me that isn’t the case here.
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Every time I log s*x in my period app which not to brag is a lot I get a message from the app bot like “hey u DIRTY GIRLY are u up for a S**Y S*X TALK about all the GROSS S*X u just had u little PERVERT FREAKY S*X GIRL” and I just wish a medical app wouldn’t speak to me that way
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Two of my third graders just walked in on me eating veggie pasta and one said “your food is always so healthy” and the other said “she’s been eating hot Cheetos all morning I saw her”
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4th grader: what does public school mean?
Me: it means our school is publicly funded, so we get money from people’s taxes and the government
4th g: how much money does the government have?
Me: a lot
4th g: and how much do we get?
Me: not a lot
4th g: okay this is whack
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3rd grader: I don’t want to be a teacher or a mom
Me: I think that’s just fine
3rd g: do you want to be a mom?
Me: not really. Definitely not right now
3rd g: yeah we’re too young
Me: yeah
3rd g:
Me:
3rd g:
Me: wait do you think we’re the same age
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Everyone stop liking this I’m scared and it has a typo
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I’m just curious literally what do you call this if not terrorism
Wall Street Journal: Israel has destroyed 70% of residential buildings in Gaza after dropping 29,000 rockets and shells on the Strip
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let’s talk about why that is.
For those of you more removed from education, it’s unfortunately 0% uncommon to walk into even a regular education classroom nowadays without a decent percentage of students performing well below grade level.
This is because of a lot of things. 2/
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Difficult to put into words how fundamentally different I was as a person when I volunteered to chaperone a 12 hour middle school field trip to an amusement park today
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2nd grader: I have GREAT news
Me: what is it?
2nd g: I brought back that thing my mom had to sign
Me: oh really good job buddy! Thank you!
2nd g:
Me:
2nd g:
Me:
2nd g: well it just seems like maybe I wonder if there is a prize in here for me
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The fact that he knew where he was from. The implication that anything flies in Pennsylvania. There’s just so much to unpack
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I’ve known my bf for two and a half years and never in that time has he mentioned the personal lore of when he was student teaching and there was a free range tortoise and hamster who explored the classroom together I’m SCREAMING
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situationship brought these items to the couch and said “just trynna take care of my girl” I-
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4th grader: I noticed you aren’t wearing any makeup today. I like it
Me: that’s a very specific and meaningful compliment, thank you
4th g: you’re welcome. Not everyone can pull it off miss. Sometimes not even you
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This is an interesting way to say Israel rounded up refugees into what they were assured was a secure area then set it on fire
BREAKING: Mass casualty event at a Rafah UN Relief and Works camp
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Don’t worry guys I have NOT become any more fun to date
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Was introducing myself to a new 4th grader in the hallway & a passing 3rd grader said “you’ll like her she’s kind and funny but sometimes she goes crazy but that’s kind of funny too” and the 4th grader said “crazy how” and the 3rd grader said “you just kind of have to see it”
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One time when I was teaching kindergarten one of my children returned from lunch in his socks and informed me nonchalantly that he had thrown his shoes away and upon further questioning it was revealed that it was bc they’d come untied and he thought that was just how shoes ended
i think the funniest thing about this is all of the people replying/quote tweeting saying a 5 year old should know how to apply sunblock by themselves. besties, have you ever been around a 5 year old?????
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Bf was stomping through the apartment muttering about how we don’t own chopsticks and paused to shout in disgust “what are we, white!?”
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Obsessed with the fact that every time the selling sunset cast go after each other they cut to heather making this face as though she is not the personal and exact source of every piece of information everyone else has
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Me: oh my LORD what is GOING ON
3rd grader 1: HE PUSHED ME
3rd grader 2: HE KEEPS CALLING ME WHITE
Me: OKAY ARE YOU WHITE?
3rd grader 2: NO
Me: THEN LET IT GO
3rd grader 3: when other grown ups walk past our room I wonder what they think is happening in here
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The people ask and I deliver
@damnitmadeline
can we get a venn diagram of things you call your boyfriend & things you call your students?
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Today a second grader hugged me then said “whoa” and I said “do I stink?” and he said “no. I mean a little bit but that’s not why I said whoa” and then he just walked away???
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Get an IUD because then when Republicans talk about restricting access to birth control you can yell "pry it out of my UTERUS, PAUL RYAN" at the TV
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Don’t date a science teacher guys they’re VERY judgmental
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Verbal processor gf emotionally absorbent bf
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First john mulaney impregnates olivia munn. Then “I am weed.” Now the picture of pete davidson holding hands with kim kardashian at knott’s berry farm. I can’t take any more. The only person I will acknowledge as a celebrity moving forward is tom hanks
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Was singing “I love children yes I do” to myself as I walked across the classroom today and one of my third graders whispered to another “oh we’re on her nerves”
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2nd grader: excuse me can I tell you somefing
Me: of course what is it
2nd g: on my test i got a 192
Me: oh my goodness! That’s amazing! You’re ready for third grade!
2nd g: actually. i fink i am ready for fourf
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Hey guys remember when my wallet was stuck in a post office in Detroit and that was a big problem bc I live in Ohio well great news the United States Postal Service must have seen my tweets because now it’s in FUUUUUUUUUUCKING SACRAMENTO
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