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@cookiecarver
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Following
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Joined July 2018
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@thechosenberg
after much deliberation, the young zoomer couple decided on a 55/45 split on the condition that the bf pays for every third meal
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i told my gf my housemate lives like a bachelor and i wish i could live like that
she tells me "technically you're still a bachelor too" and then kinda glared at me...
i feel like i am in trouble guys. what did she mean by this??
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*i mention another girl while telling a story to my gf*
me: and then-
gf: wait was she hot? how hot was she? am i hotter?
me: uhhhhh
gf: i know you think she's hot
me: HOW
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@Jarsen
i remember this guy used to pull the cloth from a much different place. cool he is still going 😂
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buddhism has jhanas
hinduism has yoga
atheism has science
islam has calligraphy
what is Christianity working on to rizz up the young population??
don't say music, any good christian music is just called music
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@DrJasonRheins
thanks for clearing this up, Jason. i am gonna go propose to her right this minute
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*gf trying to seduce me*
gf: when you going to tai chi class?
me: in an hour
gf: that means... we could-
me: uhh can we do it after?
gf: why?
me: i uhh need to withhold my uhh chi for class
gf: wait have we never done it before class??
me: UHH IDK. WHO KEEPS TRACK AMIRITE
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one time i was chatting to a girl on a dating app. convo was kinda meh but i thought hey maybe she isn't the texting type!
i ask her out. no response for a few days. she replies a week later
"hey you seem nice but i am mega depressed at the moment. it really isn't you, it's me"
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while practising chinese today, i remembered what my first chinese teacher said about stroke order:
"you must do stroke order correctly! if chinese person see you write wrong order they will think you are retarded"
will never forget the faces of my classmates when she said that
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what would you do in your 20s if you got 6 months off, no responsibilities or major money issues?
just you and the world being an oyster!
what kinda goals, big or small, would you have?? what would you try out??
not asking for a friend... asking for me...
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*me talking to my very offline gf*
gf: so what crazy stories do have to share today honey? scottish willy wonka experience was wild!
me: uhhh nothing today nope nothing happened! boring day on the internet...
gf: really?
me: yes i think im gonna take a break for a few days...
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@crimebucket
*gesticulating widly* this guy online told me- babe no!! you are way hotter ok!
thx a lot buddy i am in the dog house now :(
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@SoulPellet
@DrJasonRheins
this started off as a joke... but i really do have a lot to think about...
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*at a tpot meeting*
me: what is your handle on twitter?
new guy: *******
me: cool cool *i have him blocked*
i barely block anyone fml
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look everyone if you follow me now you are guaranteed one (1) sweet replyguy
so it's an investment for you too!
promise to boost you up king/queen!
you make a bad joke? i laugh like it's a good one
you get a heckler? not on my watch buddy
replyguys are producers. invest now!
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in conversation, when a man lights up when his wife is mentioned and she's not around, you can keep asking him about his wife and he'll keep going
a big wife guy W right there
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wait a sec metta meditation is exactly like praying for someone right??
...are we going full circle??
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it's a shame you can't go up to people and say how good looking they are in the sunlight
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i think a tweet that is liked by your favourite moots is way more satisfying than a banger that is widely liked by everyone
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currently with a bunch of tpot people. they are all on the phone. no one is talking. people are laughing into their phones. exactly how i imagined a tpot meeting would go
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there's a very high chance i will be living in or around the Amazon rainforest this summer for about 3-6 months
besides speedrun learning Portuguese and getting tropical disease shots, what else should i do to prepare??
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*at wedding as i was leaving*
groom: i have seen your twitter
me: *thinks of my normie account* oh that's nice :D
groom: i mean your... other twitter
me: oh fuck... not this one D:
goodbye cruel world! i gtg make another account! burn this account!! it has been compromised!!
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*friend and i discussing sleep arrangements*
friend: we can share the bed but i have 2 rules, no eye contact and socks stay on when in bed
me: you sleep with socks on??
f: no but if we are in the same bed socks stay on
me: so socks on but we can be completely naked???
f: yes
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got a free copy of the Quran today! all i had to do was listen to a guy preach for about 15mins while i awkwardly ate my poke bowl
couldn't think of the name for their church so i panicked and said "uhh where is your clubhouse located??"
and he went "you mean a mosque right..."
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a random account follows me
"not followed by anyone you're following"
i follow back
their posts are hilarious... what a blessing... how did they even find me???
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if you see a person retweet their own tweet, you gotta like it! it means they really really wanted you to see it!
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what if we, the replyguys, form a union with each other!? what will the poasters do then hmm??
replyguys hold the means of engagement! without us, they are nothing!
who is with me!? we have nothing to lose but our dignity!!
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this is my first day of not having a job
by choice which kinda makes it scary
i should get a routine going but for now x is my full time job
time to poast twice as hard
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i made a list of ppl i should reply to more often
if you see this you are probably on it!!
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i will never stop making this joke. it's so stupid and i love it. no one can stop me!!
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i'm sitting outside drinking some green tea using a green teapot while looking at a green fence
i now notice my pants serendipitously match my hat
the sky is grey and so is my mind
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*sticks to new gym routine for a week*
i will not let the gym be my whole personality
i will not let the gym be my whole personality
i will not let..
RISE AND GRIND MF! GOIN SUPER SAIYAN! TIME TO PUMP! EVERYONE WANNA BE A BODYBUILDER BUT NOBODY WANNA LIFT NO HEAVY ASS WEIGHTS!!
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there is a guy that replies to my main occasionally and it seems like he asks chatgpt to think of a good reply. i see him do this with others too...
can't tell if he is actually using it to respond but i am going slightly crazy thinking about it
do people actually do this here?
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*sees a photo of gf doing the kpop heart sign*
me: didnt know you were a koreaboo!
gf: yeah i was... it was a phase ok
me: lol what a nerd
gf: at least i can admit it! you are clearly an ameriboo!
me: a what??
gf: loves US lit, has US twitter friends, dating an american...
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just found out that Americans don't eat chocolate eggs for Easter wtf??
uhhh do ye eat regular eggs on this day to celebrate or what??
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*telling a funny story to gf and she asks where i heard it*
me: my friend told me
gf: 🤨
me: okay a friend on twitter
gf: 🤨
me: we're friends! we follow each other! that means we are friends!
gf: 🤨
me: okay look i follow them and they're really funny and i replyguy them!
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*me at a tpot meeting as an icebreaker*
did you see my cool tweets?? 🤓
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@flybottlemist
it's like so fire 🔥 what jesus did. deadass just died for our sins 💀 but then his resurrection arc was so lit just respawning like that. so glad that simp judas got yeeted for what he did. big flex to take on the cross like that. GOAT status. i love xmas, celebrating bae jdawg!
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woke up feeling energised. i make 4 fabulous family style Chinese dishes for breakfast. i will eat them silently alone
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i am gonna make a gc and call it "airchat" to not feel left out...
we only post voice messages ok!?who wants in??
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one time i was chatting to a girl on a dating app. we were vibing and had good texts going back and forth
out of the blue she asks me what my star sign is. i tell her. she immediately blocks me
wtf???
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my fav ppl to reply to!!
if you aren't here and you are :( let me know and i will try fix that... :D
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guys i have a confession to make...
i am not actually a cookie
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
haha you fell for it! April Fools suckers!!
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i need help packing guys... how do i fit the bare necessities into such a tiny suitcase??
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at an outdoor gym in the park doing pull ups on the monkey bars and a ten year old kid comes up to challenge me to see who can do monkey bars the fastest
i told him i can't do monkey bars i'm too heavy and he gave me a pep talk telling me i could
so i tried and he was right!!🥲
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life as a replyguy
>wake up
>login to x dot com
>reply to skooks nice
>reply to critter we take those
>reply to daniel yup
>reply to eigenrobot nice nice
>reply to random moots based
>try make my own original poasts
>fail
>think about my life choices
>cry myself to sleep
>repeat
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when guys hit a certain age, they get to choose one of these love languages:
1. video games
2. homebrewing
3. woodworking
4. warhammer
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>in bathroom scrolling
>gf texts me
>asks to play video games with her
>i text her back, right now??
>gf calls
>i decline since i am in the bathroom
>i tell her that
>she doesn't believe me??
>send her photo of sink
>"wow can't believe you ran to the bathroom to take that photo"
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i am inconsolable rn. nothing can cheer me up...
nothing can cheer me up except the fancy grocery store sushi i buy every week...
i always buy it on Sundays. what day is it??
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*sees a terrible take from a rando*
terrible terrible! what a terrible person!!
*sees a terrible take from a mutual*
well that's just lil glipglomber! he's such a lil goober!
i am a hypocrite...
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one of the greatest whitepills from studying twitter is learning that virtually everyone is capable of great tweets through the skilful application of even a modest amount of willpower
one of the greatest blackpills is realizing most people simply choose not to
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it's been a month since i lasted logged in
like this post and i will reply to one of your latest tweets
cookie is back and better than ever!
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guys should i watch Dune 2??
i tried watching Dune 1 on 2x speed but got bored after 15mins and i haven't read the book because i can't read and also i don't really like Timothée Chalamet since he looks kinda funny but i think i might enjoy Dune 2???
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@not_a_hot_girl
ok cathedrals are pretty cool, i will give them that. that and all the art that was made counts
it shouldn't count since all religions have music!
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really considering moving to a big city...
live there for a while, see what it's like, learn a thing or two, move out before it makes me hard
seems like a thing i should have done earlier but it's not too late
i can go full normie! full turbonormie!! i am in my normcore era!!!
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went to a friend's house to catch up and midway through chatting i see he has a sword near his door...
"wtf is that a real sword??"
"yes it was a gift"
do all guys have (or want) a sword?? (i would like a sword now)
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i wonder how people would interact with me if i was a face account and not a cookie. i won't face dox but imagine if i did! :o
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i showed my gf this meme since i showed her wifejak the other day
gf: so this is supposed to be you? you are way more handsome. this kinda looks like my ex though...
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did you know hinged and unhinged are both dating apps?
you may know unhinged by another name: x formerly known as twitter
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*me at Jesscamp*
wait you are cookie?? i thought you were [redacted]? :o
wait you are [redacted]?? i thought you were cookie? :O
haha suckers! i was both all along >:D idk who i am either!! a sweet treat nay!! more like an agent of chaos! i am a mystery wahahaha!!
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guys if a moot posts 3 bangers in a row, it is completely fine to like all 3
no judgement here
it's like seeing a shooting star, might as well make a wish while you are at it
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lowbies don't want you to know this but we have a network of group chats where we coordinate our activities
once you hit highbie status your brain gets zapped forgetting you were ever in these chats
if i ever disappear it means the lowbie council silenced me. remember cookie...
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*small talk at wedding*
me: so how do you know the bride or groom?
new person: whats a medium fear you have? not like your darkest fear but a mild one
me: uhh idk.. havent thought about it
np: i fear a giant centipede crawling into my ear
me: you know what, maybe i am normal
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guys should i uhh study for the tpot meeting i am going to??
things i could study:
1. what is a rationalist (i hope it does not involve rats)
2. qualia (don't believe in it)
3. jhanas (i do meditate but can't levitate yet)
4. IFS (figure out what this stands for)
5. philosophy??
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it's weird to make too much eye contact
it's weird to make too little eye contact
how can you tell how much eye contact to make?? eyeball it
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cookie chat 3 will die today :(
but that's ok because there will be a cookie chat 4! :)
like this tweet and i will add you when it's made later today!!
(cookie chat will stop when people stop asking to join. t&c may apply. whatever is said in cookie chat, stays in cookie chat)
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life hack: want a clean home but don't like cleaning?
invite someone over each week
you will be forced to clean your place!! >:D
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no... COOKIE... chocolate is NOT breakfast. it does NOT matter that it is a FEASTABLES by MR BEAST and they just started stocking them in my local grocery store... i will eat DEEZ eventually
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quitting my job. boss asked me to make a handover document
gonna prepare an envelope! tell new guy to open it to prepare for trouble
gonna prepare two of 'em! and make it double
to protect the world from devastation! to unite all peoples within our nation! to denounce the evi-
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cookie chat 2 just died :(
many cookies were made and eaten in this chat...
does anyone wanna join cookie chat 3??
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*gf sees my pinned tweet on my profile*
"most crabs lead lives of quiet crustacean"
gf: haha clever but you got the quote wrong. it should be "the mass of crabs lead lives of quiet crustacean"
me: never before have i been mogged this hard by someone i love!
gf: what
me: what
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i have to stop deleting tweets and replies that are kinda prickly...
i do it so often. my aversion to it is so strong...
can i practise on anyone??
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if you want to get a post with like 10 likes, all you gotta do is post your twitter circle!
the people in the circle are legally required to like it!! what a loophole...
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why does a nature pee feel way better than a normal pee? is there an explanation for this??
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ok i am trying something new here... bear with me...
reply below and i will insult you!! right to the face!!
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my mom never learned how to swim so she made sure me and my siblings learned how. we got lessons for years as kids
i swam in this waterfall pool and 3 others like it today. it was a great day! thanks mom!
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with chinese new year fast approaching, i have morphed into a fortune cookie!
how auspicious!
reply below and i will give you your fortune for the year of the dragon!
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imagine coming here and being on your phone
not me nonono not me at all
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oh yeah
you are
atheist???
have you tried a
heroic dose of
mushrooms
hmm??
good luck
being
atheist
after that
buddy...
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*unmutes*
hey everyone! :D
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