Karen, Esq.
@comradeflirty
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Shoutout to the guy who just walked into the apartment gym, made a beeline for the weight bench, picked a wedding band up off the ground next to it, breathed a heavy sigh of relief, then immediately left
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Sorry I missed the four instagram reels you sent me, I opened the app and saw that you sent me four instagram reels so I closed the app
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Sorry let me translate: imagine you left your 24 karat gold non monogamous commitment talisman given to you by polycule teammate
#3
at the apartment gym
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You better be texting your girl every single day bc Beto certainly is
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Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
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Logging back into my work computer after a 3 day weekend
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No babe your LSAT score is perfect the high ones scare me
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Remembering the time at my old firm when all the partners were bragging about owning a peloton in front of us broke associates so just to piss them off I said I had two pelotons and the woman partner got so mad she blurted out that I could afford it bc I’m not married like she is
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Those of us who don’t have a WFH “setup” and just bang it out on the laptop alone are the backbone of this nation
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Happy labor day weekend to those of us who cannot fucking remember which one is which
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Sorry boss I’ve already done three tasks today. I’m rate limited
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*electronically files a document with the court* try that in a small town
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I’m at the nerds who get zero pussy convention and everyone knows you
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Madison and Garrett I’m sorry but it is one in the morning and I have to drive 45 minutes home from this barn
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[to the tune of Eleanor Rigby]
Notary Public
Signing their name by a stamp on a fraudulent deed
They didn’t read
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Linkedin headshot twitter lawyers love to come on here and be like
I had an associate. She was a Woman.
Pregnant with her 1st child. Asked for a few hours of PTO to give birth.
I said, “take a whole day. And don’t even think about your inbox until after the birth.”
Be a human
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I’m in a meeting to discuss liens and someone asked me to share my screen and there’s a tab open where I just google searched “lien”
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I am out of office with full access to email that I won’t be checking and have turned off notifications for
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Intern told me she’s a “rising 2L” girl idc about your zodiac sign
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Logging into facebook is like “hi you have seventeen notifications and not a single one of them involves you in any way”
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People just drive like this now and if you honk at them they get so fucking mad
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Men will literally flip on the telly and wrestle with Jimmy instead of going to therapy
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My advice for those starting law school is you should try to marry someone from class
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Sorry I missed your shitty little bitchy fucking email! It must have gotten sorted into my shitty little bitchy fucking emails folder
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When I’m dealing with someone from biglaw I like to put “good morning” in the emails I send at noon and “good evening” in the ones I send at 4pm
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Law firms be like “this is our War Room” and it’s just Will and Robert prepping for a dog bite trial in there
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I have to laugh when the biglaw people try to do serious discourse about their jobs as if they’re real and important. It’s like watching the monopoly man and Mr. Peanut in a presidential debate
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The relationship I have with a lot of my clients is like when your cat gets their claw stuck in something and you’re trying to help them get unstuck but the cat is biting and scratching as you try to help them
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I became a lawyer because there weren’t enough people just fucking yelling at me all the time
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Guys it’s really not funny to be making jokes about people who get DWIs. That kind of thing can really impact someone’s life. A single DWI can ruin the tour
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The contract I send to the client after I’ve checked it for typos 36 times
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Linkedin headshot lawyers who work at random ass midsize firms love to come on here and say shit like “I often fantasize about becoming a lowly starbucks employee… but alas I am cursed with the burden of this big important brain 😔”
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Personal injury lawyers taking their photos for the billboards
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Sometimes I forget I live in Texas and then a guy pulls up to the bar on a horse that has its own cowboy hat
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Sorry can we schedule our call for tomorrow instead? I already spoke to someone on the phone today
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My 1st lawyer job was at a wannabe big firm that paid us $90k to bill a minimum of 2000hrs/yr. High turnover. Partners called us “disloyal” for getting trained then lateraling. Coworker told a partner “but we have student loans” & partner said “then your parents don’t love you”
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More people need to understand that notaries will literally just sign anything
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A few years ago I sat down with my friend who had just broken up with her bf and she told me how horrible he was and I agreed that he’s a huge piece of trash and we shit talked him for several hours so like what exactly am I supposed to say at their wedding next year?
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0.1 - practiced phone call
0.1 - practiced voicemail in case they don’t answer
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I’ll never forgive these people for deciding “Esq.” is bad or whatever. Objectively a very cool title that sounds like something a knight on a horse with a sword would be called but none of us are allowed to use it because Brady might not give us a job at the boring dork factory
@SAOliver_Atty
I’ve been known to not hire attorneys that have Esq on their email signature. Based on the origin I find them to have an inflated view of self.
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Government attorneys on their way to a 2.5 hour lunch while they ignore your email
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I couldn’t breach client confidentiality if I tried lol I am never paying attention to a word they say
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If by 30 your circle isn’t talking about how none of us maybe want to even practice law anymore and maybe we all made a mistake and maybe there are still other paths available and maybe we can transfer our skills elsewhere and maybe a JD advantage job would be more chill and mayb
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It’s so funny when law professors jerk themselves off about the rigorous “trial by fire” of cold calling when the only consequence of being unprepared for a cold call is them looking at you like this before calling the next person
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“May it please the court” is legalese for “listen to this track bitch”
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Random person at courthouse: Excuse me, are you a lawyer?
Me 3 years ago: I’m actually a student attorney with the criminal defense clinic 😊 do you need help finding a lawyer? 🤓Would you like a business card? 🤗
Me now: No I have been charged with murder
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Me when an administrative law judge wants to be called Your Honor
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@fddlstx
Exactly! And like, even if I wasn’t lying about the pelotons why is it so bad for an associate to have nice things lol
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My boss right before assigning me something that will fuck up my entire week
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Average PD discourse: how do you square your abolitionist ideology with your support for victims of violent crime
Average biglaw discourse: is it okay to drink on the party boat during your internship at the money factory
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A solid color t-shirt is a business casual top and I’m tired of pretending it’s not
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If there isn’t a template for the contract I’m not drafting it. Y’all can just shake hands
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Me changing “in the amount of” to “in an amount not to exceed” on a contract someone else drafted for me
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Once a page of my legal pad is flipped to the back its contents are none of my business anymore
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Res ipsa loquitur is legalese for “that’s it that’s the tweet”
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We’re not like other law firms. One of the partners brings his dog to work sometimes
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Older lawyers love to be like “now that I have full-blown dementia I’ll just become of counsel instead of a partner”
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Lawyers on here love to be like “look I know people disagree with the decision but here is my legal analysis of why SCOTX didn’t let that lady get an abortion” we actually don’t need your thread, Chet. There’s no legal reasoning behind being a ghoul actually
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Me practicing real estate law at my job that I am paid for
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Whenever I use a two hole punch I’m like “now THIS is lawyering”
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Me and my paralegal sending “awesome, thank you!!” back and forth to each other until we die
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Women lawyers don’t say “I love you” we say “hey Ann Taylor is having a sale right now” and I think that’s beautiful
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Biglaw associates love to post an insta story of a bug on their office window and be like “omg how did it climb up all 70 floors to my office on the 70th floor I’ve never seen a bug climb 70 floors up to the top floor of my building to my office on the top floor (the 70th floor)”
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Literally love to just copy and paste a partner’s exact language into a document and watch them fill it with commas and wording changes upon review bc they think I wrote it
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Katko v. Briney, 183 N.W. 2d 657 (Iowa 1971).
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I won’t judge the financial columnist who got financially scammed. I’m a contracts lawyer but outside of work I’ll pretty much just sign whatever without reading it
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@pswayne7
Yes that’s literally exactly what I’m saying Patrick I will break out in hives if I start having fun and I hate my friends’ guts. You caught me!
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Kate Middleton has actually just been in line at Target this whole time because they have one register open and the self checkouts are closed for some reason
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“So why do you want to work here” I’ve got a passion for having health insurance
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The most thankless job in the world is removing your cat’s eye crusties
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I bet if you accused someone who “doesn’t remember” their LSAT score of getting a 153 they’d be like “no actually it was higher than that”
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Cracked open what I thought was an ice cold Bud Light at work and almost called 911 after taking a gulp of this. Sodas need to be labeled more clearly!
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Every midsize law firm is either called Stone Pierce or it’s called McGillevray Schloerkel Quintairos Drantt Forrester Whipple & Kleason
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Everyone knows that one lawyer who doesn’t play about their middle initial
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Paralegal said she’s allergic to strawberries and can’t eat this. I literally saw her drinking a strawberry Fanta last week. That’s fine I’m taking the cost of these cake ingredients out of her paycheck. We don’t like liars at this firm
Made a little something for my paralegals and legal assistants. I’m always finding ways to show my appreciation. Not every lawyer does this, but I believe it’s important to be kind 🥰
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