Colm O'Regan
@colmoregan
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Comedian, author (Bolloxology AnnDevine @irishmammies ) broadcaster, MC event host, TV narrator/voiceover, @irishexaminer columnist @functionroompod podcast
Dublin City, Ireland
Joined February 2010
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In a tournament costing a quarter of a trillion, designed to rehabilitate a dictatorship, with every move PR-optimised & choreographed, the fact that one enduring image of the whole thing will be a goalkeeper pretending a golden glove statue is his willy will never not be funny.
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Both teams good on the counter.
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"Fair fucks"- the best phrase for congratulating someone in Ireland. It could be for anything: climbing Everest, the birth of a child, carrying 4 pints. It should be an official honour.
"You have been commended for bravery. Fair Fucks To You"
Signed: President Michael D Higgins
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If they vaccinate the elderly first and open the pubs just for them so they can go and get gently hammered in warm comfortable pubs with the news on the telly and no one talking shite about house prices or taking photos of them 'being adorable', I would have no problem with that.
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My favourite part of an Irish wedding is the day after and the official Finding Out What Time Did Everyone Go To Bed At ceremony.
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At this stage, I would drink a 7-euro pint by myself in The Temple Bar standing next to the speaker looking at cricket results on Sky Sports News while a stag night groom-to-be was given the mike to sing the chorus to Sweet Caroline.
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The day culchies have waited for since the foundation of the state.
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Came out the jacks in my house there and immediately I was in a queue for Dublin Airport T1.
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Lads on a night out, ye should still wash your hands after the jacks. That rule came in long before the pandemic.
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Wife was in Lidl at the weekend and she was asked for ID while buying wine. She had none but was all chuffed until the cashier pointed out she was wearing a mask and sunglasses. She pulled down her mask and the cashier said "oh right, you're grand." And she stopped being chuffed.
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My wife is just back from late night shopping in Dealz for stuff like colouring books and mildew blaster and I'm so starved of outings I'm asking her how her trip was as if she's just in the door from a city break in Florence.
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Just a thought. Is it at all possible that RTE could just put some fucking standup comedy on the telly. To.. Ya know
.. make people laugh. Not a formulaic interview or a celeb trying to be funny or dressing up in a funny hat. Just..like...jokes...satire. That kind of thing.
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In Ireland you can, without context, ask someone "Have ya heard from The Other Fella?", safe in the knowledge that they will know exactly who you're talking about.
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When all of this is over, they're going to have to bring in a system for 'booking' flights in advance where you say what flight you want a few days before. Because at the moment Dublin Airport have no idea how many people are going to turn up. Too many are just arriving on spec
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If this was Ireland, not only would his friends be creasing themselves, he'd be known as Stevie Six Goes for the rest of his life. It would be on his election posters, his death notice, his son would be called Young Sixey.
I'm so amazed that NO ONE of his friends laughed. Gosh, This is the type of support everyone needs 😭💕👌!!
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If The Levels had degrees of Cop On in them it might help stem household spread.
Level 1: Ah you know yourself
Level 2: Have a small bit of cop on
Level 3: Lads....cmon like
Level 4: COP ONTA FUCK WOULDJEE
Level 5: Stay away from them. Wasting your time. The father was the same.
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In Ireland the news that other countries are coming out of lockdown is like someone doing Classical Studies in the Leaving watching their mates head off to Santa Ponsa.
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The
#hometovote
is like when you're watching The Hobbit and an army of elves you'd forgotten from earlier in the film arrive over a hill.
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Irish people be like 'Tis far from it you were reared' and it's something basic like cups with handles or trousers.
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I miss GAA related ads when it was just "Hi I'm a hurler and a farmer. I use this shtuff when the calves get shcuttery"
Now it's all heroism and cinematic hyperbole:
"Bigger than family.
Bigger than life.
Bigger than death
The Goldman Sachs U16 Junior B
Burn.
Their.
Village."
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He first aroused suspicions when he didn't tell everyone that he studied in Trinity.
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Give me that Astra Zeneca on a Weetabixy spoon in the eyeball I don't give a shite at this stage.
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Love this picture of a hawk looking like it's walking away from an explosion.
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Dogshit signs in Ireland are so coy and weak. It's all:
Bin the poo, scooby doo
Can I have a word? Dont forget the turd,
or some gentle admonition in Irish.
It needs to be:
Pick Up The Dog Shit For Fuck Sake, You Bollox.
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I'm in a restaurant that's so posh, someone just dropped a glass and no one cheered.
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Racists who picked blackberries once in their Nan's garden in 1989 are suddenly experts in the fruit industry. You couldn't pick your nose ya tool. You'd have your hand out for a back injury after an hour.
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Worlds biggest drag superstar tweeting in Irish. This is what the end of days looks like to the DUP.
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You just know that Galway father and son rescue team are going to find Fungie.
"we'd know a small bit about dolphins alright" they tell Bloomberg.
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Seven years since these three stories appeared together. What a day for the country.
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Friend of mine just got a job writing advertising jingles for sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter.
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The Dark Web will start a gofundme when they find out how long some Irish people have been on waiting lists.
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It's rumoured that Paul Mescal is to play both the father and the son in the movie adaptation of the Spiddal rescue story.
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Did you ever have a perfectly sufficient dinner at a perfectly reasonable hour but then just feel slightly peckish before bed and then just accidentally eat your village's entire winter stores of crackers and cheese while standing up?
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If you ever see anyone at a filling station repeatedly muttering diesel-diesel-diesel-diesel as they attach the nozzle, there's a strong chance they once put in petrol in a diesel car in the past.
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I hope one day to live in a society where libraries are funded enough to have the same opening hours as libraries in films where the hero needs to research a demon at short notice.
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Half of the applicants were in the queue when they applied and thought it might be the quickest way through.
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Eric Ten Hag may not be enough. You're talking Eleven, possibly Twelve Hag now at least.
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Just a warning for Irish working in the UK: If things are going well on a project, do NOT say: "Now we're suckin diesel" as people will just ask you "Where?" and want in.
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To be fair to today, it just decided it was going to rain and just fecking went for it. No dicking around with showers. A wet day and proud of it.
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have i got this right? The Supermacs owner had a temporary issue in recruiting staff, one he probably could have fixed by hiring LC students or just waiting a few weeks but instead he set fire to his brand and now everyone knows he charges staff money to eat their own food.
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Just realised, not only had we Dunphy calling Ronaldo a cod, and Bill 'now hold on there a second'ing, Giles taking the game on its merits, Brady generally grumbling and one time Joe Kinnear telling a Vinnie Jones anecdote*, we also used to have Apres Match. We were spoiled
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If you throw your used mask on the ground you're a prick and you need to be put on a Pricks Register and a Prick Warrant obtained (brought in under Emergency Anti-Prick legislation) to investigate any other Prickery you might be up to.
Ya prick ya.
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If you're outside Ireland watching the
#PresidentialElection
campaign, trying understand it, imagine a load of people going for a job as an accountant and telling the interviewer about their experience as a dentist and making promises about all the electrical work they'll do.
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There comes a time in every Irish person's life where they realise they probably won't see a train service to Dublin Airport before they die.
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No one:
Small child: I'VE SUDDENLY REMEMBERED AN OBSCURE PIECE OF PLASTIC I WAS PLAYING WITH A MONTH AGO AND NOW I TREASURE MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF AND YOU NEED TO LOOK FOR IT I HAVE NO FURTHER INFORMATION ON IT I AM VERY UPSET.
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"would you be one of the Ohio GoFuckYourselves?"
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This is the view and the couple behind me are talking about minimising tax liabilities.
They must be local.
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After that Bono thing, I think we need to bring in licences for poem-writing. The whole thing is unregulated. Too many cowboys in the market.
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"He's the guy who ran away and left his wife for a padawan"
Ah the wax museum; Where Eamon Dunphy is part of the Star Wars display.
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The phrase "Wet Pubs" is not making me want to go to a pub.
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HOW MANY WINTERS DID YOU SAY WE'D HAVE TO WINTER BEFORE WE COULD SUMMER SEAMUS?
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How to write your postal address as a child in 1980s Ireland
[Your name]
[Your actual address]
Europe.
The World
The Solar System
The Milky Way
The Universe
God.
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Doesnt always get the credit but the way L-M-N-O-P trips off tongue really gives you the confidence to tackle the heavy shit later in the alphabet.
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As always, I respect the hustle of anyone who's mad for work but for fuck's sake.
The man holds more pensions than Irish Life. Was there no one else with vocal chords and the ability to read Irish and, I dunno, a pressing need for a job in the arts area.
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My child wants Irish-speaking baking classes so I've enrolled her in the nearest bunscoil.
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People reacting with hostility to the Russian military exercises on here forget that the only reason we're not speaking German in Ireland is because of the way it's taught in school.
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Just heard a Brennan's bread ad and it sounded like they had a NEW Oul Mr Brennan voice. Checked RTE. Nothing about it. Mainstream media asleep at the wheel again.
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the speed at which cycle lanes are appearing around Dublin, it's like they're trying to get them all in before Some Bollox comes back to the office from his holidays.
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Yeah sex is good but have you ever introduced someone who needs topsoil to someone who's trying to get rid of topsoil?
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The least obnoxious 'Do you know who I am?' you'll ever see.
Bonucci’s face when he realizes the steward thinks he’s a fan trying to get on the field is priceless.
Bonucci laughing and giving her a hug after she realizes (probably with horror) her mistake is even more priceless.
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It's the 10th anniversary of this trio of headlines appearing together on the same day. What a time for the country.
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There are lots of laughing-while-cross moments when minding small children.
Tonight it was eavesdropping on the baby monitor as the eldest coached the youngest in the dark arts of getting back downstairs.
"Say you need something and when he comes up, THEN say you're hungry".
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Seen a good programme on telly just now. Apparently the director financed its production entirely by selling a Rolex. Definitely worth a watch.
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Went out with a girl once from Thurles who was great at covering up for my mistakes. When we broke up I called her my Tipp ex.
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Anyone else feel that, give or take a few essentials and the odd wedding, they probably more or less have the clothes that'll 'do them' now for the rest of their lives?
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Willy Sagnol - another for the towering 'ruled out' pile. We may yet get there by process of elimination
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Just made the worst error a culchie can make. I was surprised by The Rain. It was forecast but. I. Didn't. Check. The. Forecast.
I have resigned all my positions and ask for privacy for my family at this time.
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I know Doonbeg needed jobs and many of us have worked with some awful turds to make a few bob, but when the full horror of Trump's presidency emerges (& he'll prob pull out of Doonbeg leaving a pile of unpaid bills) the locals are going to find Reeling in the Years a tough watch.
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Natural progression to
#golfgate
now is for Sarah McInerney to interview Sean O'Rourke tomorrow about it, metaphorically run him through with his own sword, end it by singing to her bosses "YOU COULDVE HAD A BAD BITCH" and just walk out.
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Fuckers panic buying are the same ones who'll throw spotty bananas out in a weeks time.
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GAA wish Mayo well but confirm they have asked the Attorney General to rule on letting Dublin take Tyrone's place against Kerry in the other semi-final.
#dublinvmayo
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So hot in Dublin tonight, you can relive a 'holiday taxi from airport' experience by sitting in the back of any car whispering in shite Irish 'tá an tiománai probably ag ripping us off'
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Thinking about Leaving Cert students doing the Irish oral after a year of lockdowns having to talk about caitheamh aimsire using only the Modh Coinníollach and the Aimsir Gnáthchaite.
Reckon they should be allowed swear.
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It's like Winter slept out, burst into the office at 11 and is now making a big show of looking busy.
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I'd nearly drink a pint of Guinness pulled in a straight glass in Leicester Square at this stage.
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"And the news headlines: Donegal is to move to level three and is now cut off from the rest of the country"
Donegal people:
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Hey, just checking, should we tell our children the green man at traffic lights is meaningless?
Nearly knocked down again at Suir Road Luas recently by a prick in an SUV driving through a pedestrian light that was green for so long it had served as a minister in two coalitions.
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I knew my hellraising days would end eventually but still I was surprised to hear myself say the sentence "we need more clothes pegs and let's get good quality ones this time"
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Saw the not my president hashtag trending there on my way to the drugstore. Stopped on the sidewalk, opened the trunk of my chevy and took out a popsicle and ..i dunno did some other americanised shit that doesn't transfer here.
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Some schools are starting back BEFORE the Rose of Tralee is over. We HAVE to act on climate change.
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These days, 'Getting away from the kids for a mini-break' just means sneaking upstairs to put away clothes.
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Tidy Towns volunteers after the first big outdoor drinking day since the cans deposit scheme came in
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It said: "If you do not forward this to ten people the English will invade and you will have 800 years bad luck"
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Good of Aisling to send the Sindo a transcript of her entire set at Electric Picnic and allow them to reprint it.
She must be delighted she doesn't have to do any other gigs.
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Instead of doing ironmans and triathlons, why don't we have rhododendron clearing challenges. As in physical activity with an actual point? Do it for charity if you want instead of going to Kilimanjaro.
Heavy rhodo infestation around Letterkeen in Nephin Forest. Not sure where you even start with this. Clear with machinery and monitor regen? A lot of herbicide to be using otherwise
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Just went around to every appliance in the house and told each of them how much they were valued and how we needed them to not act the bollox, now more than ever.
#leadershipisaboutrespect
.
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A parking-protected cycle lane working in Dublin! I swear I just spontaneously started speaking Danish as I cycled through and nearly forgot to lock my bike.
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There is no moral superiority like that of a parent who has just given the other parent a lie-in. And I say that as someone who has just given his wife a lie-in.
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If I worked the checkout in IKEA, every time someone bought one of these I'd say to them "AH YOU'RE TAKIN THE MICKE NOW" and I'd high five myself.
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Hotels should be compelled by law to say on their website whether or not their showers are shite.
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Not to burst their bubble but the product already exists. It's called Lynx. It's been keeping people two metres away for decades.
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