Justine Stafford
@JustineStafford
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Oh sure TEDtalks but does he ever 𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒏? Comediany, Actory, Writery 🇮🇪
Co. Meath
Joined June 2009
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Pinned Tweet
I wrote this sketch for last nights episode of
#NWIN
.
It’s one I’ve wanted to make for a long time now and I hope you like it.
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Now she's falling asleep, and I'm calling a crab.
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Accidentally starred in the start of a rom com tonight.
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You’re telling me this Oliver lad in Saltburn could drink his mates bath water and eat a lady’s menses but he draws the line at a runny egg?
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tried nigellas recipe to cook the ham in coke and now the whole family is chewing the jaw off themselves
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My mother just informed me the priest prayed for Jürgen Klopp at mass tonight.
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hand sanitizer in nightclubs is going to be risky before fingering but very useful afterwards
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Can’t decide if this is the grimmest or best tattoo I’ve ever seen.
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Ireland wouldn’t be fond of lifting restrictions, but when we go at it we do go at it awful and very hard.
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My dad just sent me this.
This is the first video message he has ever sent me.
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Are you even from rural Ireland if some lad didn’t come to your door and sell you a framed aerial picture of your house?
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There should be a ‘Skip Intro’ button for when your mam’s explaining how you should know the person she’s talking about
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IS THERE A DOCTOR ON BOARD?!
cork person: i’m from cork
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me at 3am talking to the taxi driver on the way home
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Will cancelling the Leaving Cert affect Leaving Cert weather?
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VIRAL STORM NEWS IN IRELAND:
2010: The man who slipped on the ice.
2015: ‘You wouldn’t be long getting frostbit!’
2016: ‘Don’t make unnecessary journeys!’
2017: Weatherman’s umbrella blows away.
2018: Bread.
#BeastFromTheEast
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Spain just scored and I’m not joking the eruptions of cheering I could hear from the street.
Would bring a tear to your eye.
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Can’t wait for 3am at the Oscars when the Irish get everyone on the floor for Rock the Boat
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looking at apartments to rent in dublin again (god help me) and now bedrooms that are not in the same room as the kitchen are being advertised as “contains separate bedroom!” as if this is some kind of luxury feature to not sleep beside your oven.
fuck this absolute shit.
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TEMPERATURE RISES ABOVE 14°C IN IRELAND:
• Drinking Cans on any outdoor surface
• Ice Cream Cone shortages nationwide
• Topless men on all streets
• “Costa Del Ireland” posts across social media
• Farmers tan sightings emerge
• Country’s Depression cured
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This photo came up on my FB memories.
It was taken 6 years ago today.
12 hours after this was taken, was my first overdose attempt.
This person looks happy. They don’t look suicidal.
But I was.
Suicidal thoughts do not have “a look”.
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I say we scrap Valentine’s Day and have two Pancake Days instead
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so thoughtful of my doctor to send a christmas card
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When someone shows you a video on their phone and you’re trying to ignore the messages they’re being sent
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I respect Jack. He beats to his own drum and he’ll go to Disneyland when he god damn pleases!
#LateLateToyShow
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Son: Hey Mam, what time is the Easter Egg hunt at tomorrow?
Mother: Son you’re 27. It’s for kids.
Son: I’ll give them a head start like.
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My Dad’s just discovered the internet and YouTube on his phone.
What enlightening new content will he search first I hear you ask??
He searched and is watching Joe Dolan’s funeral.
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Between Krispy Kreme, bread shortages, diggers in Lidl, the Pope, Winning the 6 Nations, Repealing the 8th, Harry and Meghan visiting and Westlife reforming, I think the 2018 Reeling in the Years episode is going to have to be a feature-length film.
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Dressing up as a covid denier for Halloween is easy. You don’t even need a mask.
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when you shower at his for the first time and have to use his products
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Ryan: “And why did you give her the transplant?”
Scott: “I wanted to save her life.”
I WAS NOT READY FOR THIS... 😭💜
#LateLateToyShow
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I posted this on tiktok and a kid replied “what app did you use to make this?”
App?? It’s called using a green screen and editing footage.
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These solutions are like something I wrote in my CSPE exam when I was 14.
He’s honestly one step away from suggesting “design a poster to raise awareness in your area.”
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To all the best friends i won’t get to make while drunk in the girls toilets this holiday season; I love you, you’re beautiful and dump him he doesn’t deserve you x
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How is anyone meant to compete with this type of content? HOW?
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Stephen Donnelly interviews himself about trampolines ahead of Storm Barra
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a dad who’s never there to help elongate irish words is an absent fada
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Told my friend to watch out for tent thieves at
#EP2017
and he just asked what stage they're playing.
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my ear was v sore today so I went to the chemist and they suggested using olive oil drops so I replied “sure i might throw a few croutons in as well!” to which the chemist said “obviously don’t do that.” and a part of me died wondering if they thought I was being serious.
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When you open your exam paper and the one poet you studied is on it.
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The Office theme tune performed on office items:
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Back on sertraline today after being off it for over a year. I’m glad I reached out and admitted I wasn’t feeling well though. Please don’t feel afraid to do the same if you are struggling. This year has been extra tough on us all.
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Can’t believe Megan Fox is in Dublin and we don’t even have a white water rafting facility for her to use. This city is a joke.
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How is this meant to help when they do it in movies?
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Yes it’s Pancake Tuesday and yes I am posting this sacrelicious meme I made a few years ago again.
Happy Pancake Tuesday!
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And my costume for night two (that I can more safely wear out in public);
The GAA Catfish.
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PLEASE don’t accept money from your granny if she tries giving it to you in secret.
Your granny is involved in money laundering and trying to hide evidence.
This is why she pleads “don’t tell your mother” while passing it to you.
Be safe, be vigilant and notify the guards.
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Heard someone describe a lad carrying two pints of Heineken as “The Leinster Handcuffs” and it might be my new favourite piece of poetry.
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Me: Can we get bread?
Mam: We have bread at home.
Me: But we don’t have the LIMITED EDITION St. Patrick’s Day bread at home!!
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Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.
I wanted to reshare this thread for it.
#WSPD2020
This photo came up on my FB memories.
It was taken 6 years ago today.
12 hours after this was taken, was my first overdose attempt.
This person looks happy. They don’t look suicidal.
But I was.
Suicidal thoughts do not have “a look”.
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No ad was more terrifying in the cinema as a child.
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can’t believe they cut my scene from the new spiderman
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Idk who needs to hear this but if someone says they’re not drinking; just accept that.
Stop asking why or try to change their mind because that says everything about you and NOTHING about them.
You’re a dickhead if you try to guilt people or change their minds. So stop.
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Found out today that JLS had branded Durex condoms so I decided to make some Irish ones.
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My name on a ticketmaster stub for the first time. 😭 I’ll cherish this memory. 💜
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My takeaway just arrived in a can.
What, and I cannot stress this enough, the actual fuck?
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This is all I could picture when Ryan said “You’re a divil for the ketchup aren’t ya?”
#LateLateToyShow
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