Dermot Ward
@chizmund
Followers
20,134
Following
2,280
Media
2,477
Statuses
19,229
Irish Actor | Co-host of @substantialmeal podcast | TRYer on @thetrychannel | |
Ireland
Joined April 2009
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Pinned Tweet
🚨ATTENTION CASTING DIRECTORS🚨
I can play both “Stubbly” AND “Clean-Shaven”
Don’t tell me I don’t have range
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Ah here, lads, turns out we’ve been doing the Irish accent arseways
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Cillian Murphy his entire, distinguished, Oscar-winning career: 🤷🏻♂️
Cillian Murphy at Anfield with his kids and Virgil van Dijk: 😍🥰😍🥰😍🥰😍
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Marriage equality? Done.
Eighth Amendment? Repealed.
You better fucking believe we’re getting those six counties back, motherfucker.
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The collective term for a group of COVID-deniers is “shower of cunts”
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I’ve always been one of those “Not yet, it’s too early” people when it comes to being Christmassy
But, in this ballbag of a year, if you want to put up a tree and start blasting Mariah right now, I will handcraft the tinsel for you myself
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I hope Donald Trump is having the saddest wank of his putrid life right now
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It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Dermot’s Searing Hot Take™️!!!
This whole thing is fucked
Every one of those women deserve your full, unequivocal support
And my girlfriend is feckin’ class
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I want to make it clear that I love this video. It is harmlessly hilarious. There’s nothing to be offended about. It should bring joy.
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MAGA Boys: “Let’s intimidate that Native American war veteran”
Irish Lads:
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Did a Jedward sketch on RTÉ in 2010 predicting what they’d be like ten years in the future, and frankly, we NAILED it
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Fair play to Sophia, played it like she forgot the words, when really they cut her mic because she was spittin’ hardcore curses. Legend
#LateLateToyShow
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Thank god for low standards
I rolled him over and whispered "I love you" for the first time. He didn't hear me so I had to try again a few days later...
Fast forward to present day & we're finally moving in together. I'm so happy. There's no one in the world I'd rather live with. That's how low the bar is.
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Whoever has the Reality Stone right now, you’re doing great.
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We’re not born racist
But as white people, we will - to varying degrees - grow up racist. The world we live in makes it unavoidable
Recognise that. Accept that. Then ask yourself, “Am I okay with that?”
If not, good. You can do something about it
Just don’t fucking ignore it
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Was shocked to learn recently that John “Taggart” Ashton is in the new Beverly Hills Cop movie, because surely the old man from the original 40 years ago is dead by now?
He was 36 in the original.
36.
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I have an anti-vax joke, but an alarming number of people wouldn’t get it.
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Hey, Americans who lose their shit over athletes kneeling during the National Anthem:
Playing the National Anthem before EVERY sporting event is fucking WEIRD
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People,
Please stop throwing milkshakes at fascists.
That milkshake cost money. Enjoy it.
Piss, however, is free.
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That Trump speech was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen
And I’ve had a wank in a mirror
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Look, I’ve acknowledged before that many people who follow me on here support this, and I’ve engaged with some of you, but for fuck’s sake.
If you still - STILL - support this, after *everything* else, you’re either dumb as a bag of spoons, a racist cunt, or both.
Fuck off.
Trump rally crowd launches into "send her back" chant over Ilhan Omar
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Lost
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Literally no one asked for it, but it’s back anyway...
Welcome to Dermot’s Super-Happy-Funtime-Liverpool-FC-Based-Emotional-Rollercoaster Football Thread 2019/20!
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Happy Birthday to my Internet Husband,
@Comedyfox
This is the only suitable image I have from the honeymoon. The rest are *filthy*
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Liverpool won 5-0 tonight. Nothing can possibly ruin my mood
*glares across the Atlantic*
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Kielty: “You’re a big fan of Olivia Rodrigo aren’t you?”
Kid (expectantly): “yes!?”
Kielty: “Well…! We drew a picture of you. There ya go. Leave now”
#LateLateToyShow
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This looks like a promo for a CW show about a lonely career girl trying to teach a stranded alien about love and what it means to be human that got cancelled after half a season
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Harry and Meghan’s kid is gonna grow up and have a meet-cute with a career-focused but unlucky-in-love woman who has no idea he’s secretly a prince and it’s gonna be the biggest Romantic Comedy hit of 2045
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Betty White wasn’t just a meme. She was a comic performer of the highest quality, and for a longer period than most people live. God dammit.
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If you’re a cripplingly insecure and awkward 15 year old, I am living proof that sometimes you don’t just “grow out of it.”
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REMEMBER
Today is absolutely NOT the only day you can post this photo
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After avoiding it for almost three whole fucking years, it’s arrived just in time to potentially ruin Christmas
Fuck fucking every-fucking-thing
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I'm a white male, in Ireland, and I am terrified. Imagine how American PoC, women, LGBTQ+, non-Christians, etc are feeling.
#ElectionNight
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Just give this woman her own TV show already, for the love of god
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If he really has it, I don’t wish death on him
But I do hope he’s genuinely fucking terrified right now
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This was my Mam, Bernie. The best person I’ve ever known
She thankfully got to spend the last 2 weeks of her life at the Galway Hospice. If you can, please consider making a donation, so that more can benefit from their extraordinary kindness. Thank you
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The level of sheer, unfathomable idiocy on display here actually pains my anus.
It pains
My anus
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A lot of you here are American, so when voting today, do your ol’ pal Dermot a favour, and don’t vote for cunts again. Cheers!
#MidtermElections2018
#Democracy
#AntiCunts
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Cruz and Rubio and all the other Republican cunts clutching their pearls now after spending DECADES sowing the seeds for this
And every single person who voted for Trump and every other fucker who dismissed him as harmless
This is on every one of them and it was inevitable
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“I’m bringing you to Anfield”
End the show now, it’s not getting any better
#LateLateToyShow
#LFC
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The Gum Wall in Seattle is an alleyway covered in used chewing gum.
It. Is. Horrifying.
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How long is everyone staying in bed today? I reckon I can make it to mid-March
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D’ya know who’ve been really quiet in my mentions lately?
Trump Cunts
Where are you, Trump Cunts? Have you left because I keep calling you cunts?
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Has Jonah Hill just been Adam Sandler covered in prosthetics this whole time?
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Had a look through my tweets, and it turns out I really haven’t called Piers Morgan a cunt as often I thought I had.
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Signed
Someday, when quarantine is over, petition for
@LolsyByrne
and
@chizmund
to recreate this gif:
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Sinead O’Connor doesn’t need to “rest in power.” She was plenty powerful while she was here. It’s peace she deserves now.
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Looks like
@TheTryChannel
accidentally released the video they were gonna play at my funeral.
NEW VIDEO! He's loud, proud, and will never say no to a tipple of whiskey - here's some of the best
@chizmund
moments on TRY!
Best of TRY - Dermot Ward:
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While I’m at it today (because I seem to be AT IT), the “I’m-not-a-fan-of-Trump-BUT...” people?
You can fuck right off too.
Mother of the sweet divine Jaaaaaaysus...
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Every time I see Mitch McConnell, I remember the guy who had his face eaten off by Hannibal Lecter
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A dementia-riddled ferret could swallow random Scrabble tiles for a week and shit out a more coherent sentence
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Hey. America. If your cups are as big as my freakish head, then YOUR CUPS ARE TOO BIG
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I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but it seems the cunt can now time travel
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Apologies for the soppy, gross “look how cute we are” post, but I’m madly in love with this idiot, and if I have to live with it I’m taking all you fuckers down with me.
*whispers to myself* ...gawd we’re so fucking cute tho...
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I swear to god,
#ReelingInTheYears
is gonna get Toy Show numbers this evening and I am fucking PUMPED
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Welcome to Dermot’s Super-Happy-Funtime-Liverpool-FC-Based-Emotional-Rollercoaster Football Thread 2018/19!!!
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This is more satisfying than sneezing and farting at the same time. Beautiful
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Didn’t watch the
#PresidentialDebate
last night, but I’m currently watching my dog absolutely going to town on his own crotch, so I think I got the gist
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Honestly not trying to be a dick here, but I swear to god I can’t even name *this* duo
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All Taints
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My dog just bit his own dick, and then farted
Don’t give up on your dreams, guys
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I could’ve sworn we were stocked up on bigoted cunts?
US Vice President Mike Pence to visit Ireland next month
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To the pedants saying the “next decade” doesn’t begin until 2021:
A decade is a period of ten years
The period everyone is talking about began JAN 1ST 2010 and ends DEC 31ST 2019
That’s a decade
So the “next” one begins JAN 1ST 2020
Also time doesn’t exist so dry up
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It infuriates me beyond words that so many still need to be told “DO NOT DO THIS”
Happy 4 year anniversary to me having to select a professional moniker to use in the public eye because some creepy lunatic flew from America to Dublin to hunt me down and used my real name convince my boss to give him my telephone number.
Woo!
🎉 🎉🎉
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People responding to the Trump video saying “Ooooh, he looks like he’s struggling. There’s definitely something not right” etc.
Lads. He looked like shit before, he looks like shit now. The only difference is the lack of tie.
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I can’t believe noted cuntbag Logan Paul - known solely for being a gigantic cuntbag - is being a cuntbag again.
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One never wishes to be indecorous, but fuck cancer in its evil, stupid, fucking shitty ballsack of a face
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Back in the studio for the first time since the world ended, so of course we’re drinkin’
NEW VIDEO! We're trying
@JimBeam
and we were beaming with smiles! 😂
Irish People Try Jim Beam Bourbon:
(feat.
@chizmund
,
@MartinAngolo
,
@Clisare
,
@Psyconkers
,
@shannonLKeenan
and
@Paulisjesus
.)
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I dunno, I feel like Instagram missed the delicate nuance of my post
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To those people asking how/why we did this during quarantine:
You know these things aren’t *live*, right?
NEW VIDEO! We're trying the great salt water taffy! Magical, you might say!
Irish People Try American Salt Water Taffy:
(feat.
@chizmund
,
@sharpsonmusic
,
@BandEadd
,
@LolsyByrne
,
@BeingBla
and
@johnsharpson
.)
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I wouldn’t feel sorry for him even if a rabid ferret was furiously nibbling at his taint
CURIOUS. Does anyone feel a tiny bit sorry for trump? Even a tiny, tiny bit?
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Happy Birthday to my Internet Husband,
@Comedyfox
He’s one of the people in this photo. I’m honestly not sure which.
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