BStylin
@chicketypoo22
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2,895
Following
2,069
Media
1,087
Statuses
14,130
👩🏫👩🔬👩👦 🏳️🌈♋☀️ ♌🌜♏⬆️ 🎮🌳
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Joined August 2019
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برشلونة
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اوساسونا
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@whotfisjovana
Iunno, I always became friends with the oldest women in my workplace even in my 20s. They had the best goss and advice, work mothers 💁
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Everytime someone calls me "ma'am" another one of my eggs dies
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Man, Twitter makes me realize why I don't interact with people all too often.
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The majority of coronavirus-related deaths will actually be caused by spouses/partners murdering each other during quarantine
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Whenever I feel worthless I just remember I have a liberal arts degree
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Recipe for eggnog:
- Seduce eggs
- Stroke eggs until they produce the nog
- Call eggs an Uber
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Guy 1: you're hot
Me: *ignore*
Guy 2: you're hilarious
Me: *nude*
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What stage of depression is it when I won't take my Christmas tree down because the lights make me feel better?
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As we age, bush size is how women establish dominance in the locker room
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PMS'ing so hard that I just cried because I thought we had cheese and there is no cheese
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I'm so effin jealous of all the 10 people who are just now starting Game of Thrones
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If she:
- wakes you up and wishes you a good morning
- tells you jokes
- knows all your favorite playlists
- reminds you of your obligations
- knows the score of last night's game
That's not your girl, that's Alexa.
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How come in Home Alone they go to Paris but in Home Alone 2 they go to Florida, like what a major fucking downgrade that was
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@emilykmay
And don't you dare forget your clutch purse, long layered necklaces, or thin scarf to drape around your neck.
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@levi_Blackerman
@Ogrepilled
It's so her baby won't choke I'm assuming, blueberries are a choking hazard and those looked frozen
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Why is cereal the worst thing to listen to someone eat?
There's smacking and slurping and crunching......
and murdering
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@levi_Blackerman
@Ogrepilled
Yeah I think it's cuz they were frozen and more circular than the other things, easier to get stuck in the wind pipe completely
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Just heard an old lady I passed coming out of the grocery mumble, "Fuck this new year." and I felt that.
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I never thought I was funny before Twitter....
and now you all know too
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Men don't want you to murder them in their sleep, but then they say things like "know your role"
Oh I do.
Pa-role after I tell em whatcha said to me.
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Nowadays, 3 random dudes showing up w/gifts for Mary & her baby would've turned into an episode of Maury real quick
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This may be the wine talking, but do you think Santa Claus loves us redheads more because we're technically gingerbread?
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I drank 3 glasses of eggnog and also ate chicken alfredo for dinner.
I have more cream inside of me than a bukkake porn star and Lindsay Lohan ever have combined.
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@jannamarks
@mollymeebe
@eden4peace
@ladybugbeeB
@geralds1
@bluedog1247
@PhotographerWRS
@_SJPeace_
She can correct me, but I believe she meant she was scared FOR him, not OF him. At least I was...
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I love that instead of leaving a VM or waiting for me to call her back, my mother chooses to just keep calling and calling and calling...
until either I answer, her phone dies, or I do.
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Decorative soaps don't seem like that shitty of a gift after all, now do they?
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I just want someone to become so obsessed with me that it annoys and disgusts me into ignoring them.
Is that so much to ask?!
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We could be on a crashing plane and my toddler would be tantruming about not putting his own oxygen mask on.
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Since everyone's bored at home, tell me what your pet is up to right now, but replace their name with "my drunkass friend"
Example:
My drunkass friend is staring out the window intently watching a squirrel right now
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I can't believe after almost 2 full years of searching, I finally got a full time job. Seems surreal!!
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Whenever I feel worthless I just remember the ounces of gold probably still coating my insides from a Goldschläger phase in college
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I can't believe for all these years I was letting my friends & family judge and criticize me instead of strangers on Twitter
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Me at 4am:
Deciding if I want to use a star or snowflake schema for my new database
Also me, at 4:20am:
Watching youtube tutorials on how to make my ass clap like a stripper
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I need something to blow out of proportion today.
What's everyone got?
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Power Move: ....confronting childhood trauma
Sour Move: ....while sobbing loudly as you hide inside the clothes rack at Target
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I feel like "adulting" is just something that millennials made up and then anyone 30+ was suddenly supposed to be good at
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Inside of me are two hippos..
One is hungry and the other is hungry.
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I promised myself from now on I'll only be a social drinker.
Not sure which will fail me first, my love of booze or my hatred of people.
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*speaking in best David Attenborough voice*
As an adulting rite of passage, when two night owls cohabitate, the one with the most anxiety becomes the early bird.
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When you're the only one at the table not addicted to your phone
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When my guy stays over:
3 course homecooked meal, table set, and place spotless
When I'm alone for the night:
more clothes on my floor than in my closet, eating cookies & cheese cubes for dinner, and using the lid of a popcorn tin for a plate
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If you ever hooked up w/a stranger on spring break in Mexico, you're immune to the coronavirus
.......but you might have syphilis
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@Vettel_AMR
@Poppy_yyyyyyyy
In the original tweet she literally says someone she's meeting for the first time, ya know, a STRANGER..
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guys get a boner and be like "personal growth and self care in 2020✌🏻"
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I don't know who needs to hear this but... you need to wash your can opener
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I stay up way too late at night because it's the only time I have to myself
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My onlyfans is just me getting railed from behind while I play xbox unphased
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@solomonmissouri
My mom ran one of these "daycares" back in the day and I had a lot of friends to play with, it was great lol
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Me asking my guy to look at how cute our dogs are is 90% of our dialogue
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If you need a reason why alcohol + cream don't mix, I can give you two:
1. Eggnog
2. Bukkake
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Because we exist as eggs in our mother's ovaries in utero, our maternal grandmothers carry us in their womb too.
3 generations contained in 1 body.
Yet, we are a patriarchal society.
Someone help me understand.
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I keep going to my drafts like, maybe past me had something funny to say
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Chicks be like, Ooh my pussy so good it makes him cum just like "that".......bish, im pretty sure once I made a guy cum just by keeping eye contact w/him while I ate a chili dog
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If you come by my place without a heads up, be prepared for the probability of catching me while I'm downing a microwaved quarter pounder w/a high life chaser whilst in my underwear
*me flirting
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The pizza guy called me "boo", do you think we're married now?
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@clhubes
I hear that you're upset... but I can't give you what you want right now. How about this? *insert pleasant distraction*
Yup... works!
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Which of these is the male Karen?
Kevin
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Keith
133
Kyle
391
Kenneth
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I can't even think of enough shitty content for my main account, let alone an alt
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I think it's really rude that not one of the smokin hot women w/adorable dogs on here is my girlfriend
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Whenever I feel worthless, I just remember the multitudes of hummingbirds relying on me for mediocre sugar water
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