Charlie Brooker
@charltonbrooker
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I suppose this is what happens when a bunch of fucking idiots meet an arrogant fucking idiot who tells them he’s a genius.
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I would crawl through a barrel of broken glass to have John Boyega even so much as *glance* at one of my scripts.
I would work with John Boyega and I urge other Non-Black creators to affirm that they have his back as well.
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.@NHSuk Think my eyesight is blurry. Should I put my family in the car and drive around for a bit to see if it clears up?.
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Okay so Black Mirror S4 is up on Netflix. Hope you like it.
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That scruffy cunt better be working on his resignation speech.
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So we finally decided Black Mirror S4 episode sequence is:.1. USS Callister.2. ArkAngel.3. Crocodile.4. Hang the DJ.5. Metalhead.6. Black Museum.(but tbh you can watch them in whatever flippin' order you like)
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FACT CHECK: Michael Gove failed to become leader of the Conservative Party and therefore sadly does not qualify for a leaders’ debate on climate change.
But you were too scared to debate a Conservative and preferred to be challenged by a giant ice cube.
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@MattHancock I’d say you just torpedoed your own credibility but let’s face it nothing could hit a target that small.
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UPDATE: Source says Dominic Cummings is genetically superior to all of us.
PM's chief adviser did travel from London to County Durham during lockdown when he and his wife had coronavirus to stay in a separate building at his family's farm, a source close to him confirms - source says it is not true that he was spoken to by police . .
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That such life-or-death stuff is being passed to lobby journalists with no scientific background, rather than explained directly to the public by the govt is bewildering and obscene.
Revealed: elderly to be quarantined at home or in care homes for four months, in "wartime-style" mobilisation to combat Coronavirus. Full details here.
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Some news for you:.
📺 @CharltonBrooker has been lured out of isolation, to go into isolation for the one-off Charlie Brooker's #AntiviralWipe, and he'll be joined (figuratively) by Philomena Cunk and Barry Shitpeas:
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Relax.
Don't do it.
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It’ll take an exorcist to shift this fucker.
PM Boris Johnson tells ministers he will not resign, despite calls from his cabinet members for him to go.
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Attention citizens: it is unpatriotic to question the wisdom or competence of the ongoing clown infestation that calls itself a government.
“It would be helpful if broadcasters were willing to be a bit patriotic” - @andrealeadsom tells @maitlis after being questioned on Brexit
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This is like finally having a shit after a long haul flight.
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Just want to take a moment to thank our entire #AntiviralWipe team for pulling together and working so diligently and brilliantly on this very unusual show.
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ANTIVIRAL WIPE - which will be 50% *longer* than first advertised - is on BBC2, May 14th at 9pm. Please excuse cardboard desk.
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Shit. Turns out Black Mirror is a documentary series.
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Only conspiracy theory I’m prepared to believe is that 5G microwaves may be causing peoples’ brains to stop fucking working.
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Antiviral Wipe! Tomorrow! BBC2! 9pm! Cunk! Shitpeas! Etc!
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This is all a bit like when an end-of-level boss flashes red and starts spinning like a top.
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Somehow just forgot my kids are 2 & 4 years old - entered room and absent-mindedly greeted them with a cheery "hey, fuckfaces!".
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“Got Coronavirus? Drive across the country” - Health Secretary Matt Hancock.
I know how ill coronavirus makes you. It was entirely right for Dom Cummings to find childcare for his toddler, when both he and his wife were getting ill.
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#AntiviralWipe is on BBC2 at 9pm TONIGHT - It’s 45 minutes of hopefully cathartic Wipe-flavoured FUN including Cunk and Shitpeas and the whole damn thing.
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What the HELL is this? If I saw one of these nightmarish things beaming propaganda at my kids I’d smash it to fucking pieces while they watched.
This is sinister. Without prior knowledge or permission from schools, these messages are being beamed onto 3,000 primary school digital noticeboards across the UK. Propaganda, pure and simple - and that doesn't belong in a school.
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2016 Wipe increasingly resembling a vertical cliff face with no footholds.
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.@theresa_may If the British public asked you to withdraw Trump's state invite, would you respect the will of people?.
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This fucking government is like malware you can’t remove. General election NOW.
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Only just realised Game of Thrones is set in a near-future Britain.
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*Fairly* sure Black Mirror S4 will magically appear on your Netflix shelf at around midnight PST (which is 8am GMT).
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Boris Johnson is a z-grade character-comedian and embarrassingly poor writer who deserves nothing but casual scorn or disinterest, and any journalist who still calls him ‘Boris’ should be classed as a vacuous cheerleader and ignored forever.
This is perhaps the most embarrassing piece of journalism I’ve ever read in the pro Brexit Sunday Times
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Boris Johnson wonders why the BBC didn't make Breaking Bad. It's because in the UK Walter White would receive free treatment on the NHS.
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Selfish and destructive older generations have smugly lectured the young on 'entitlement' while casually vandalising the future.
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ICYMI he just told us on live television that he put his family in the car and drove to Barnard Castle and back in order to test his eyesight.
A full, frank, honest and open statement from Dominic Cummings. He acted as a father and husband, within the rules. He has had lots of mis information put out there about him. Time to move on and focus on solving this massive national challenge of Covid19.
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Here’s ANTIVIRAL WIPE on iPlayer - a surface it lives on for 29 days.
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.@grantshapps psst I’ve locked the replies so it’s just you and me & I’m *pretty* sure that means no-one else can see this. Just a friendly tip - the more you defend this, the more this gets worse than the expenses scandal. Back out while you still can LOL! Ok bye mate 🤞.
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Ironically, this is precisely the sort of thing you’d get if you fed the original interview (for Empire magazine, out tomorrow!) into ChatGPT and asked it to generate a wilfully misleading clickbait headline.
Charlie Brooker used ChatGPT to write a Black Mirror episode
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Too often, UK papers morph into extremist pamphlets. Time for self-reflection. It doesn't have to be this way.
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We’re going for a homebrew shabby chic vibe yeah?
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Berlusconi appears to be morphing into someone from a GTA cutscene.
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Back in Black. With a hint of red.
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To be fair, I can see why it’s essential for someone this clever to keep their job at such a critical moment in our nation’s history.
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Okay, fuck it. This is happening so frequently I’m just going to have to accept that I’m a soothsayer or a mystic or whatever you want to call it.
Basically the premise of Dead Set. We’re truly all living in @charltonbrooker’s world. Stay in the house, housemates! .
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Maybe I’m tired and acting out-of-character this morning but sitting at my desk watching this just made me literally weep with bittersweet relief in a way I hadn’t anticipated.
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Got a horrible inkling that any moment now Johnson’s going to reload a previous save and we’ll have to do the past six weeks again.
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Got a theory that roughly one year ago some scientists activated a secret underground stupidity accelerator the size of a fucking mountain.
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The sole upside of living through this humblingly shitty era is knowing you’ll *probably* get to witness arrogant thicko Dominic Cummings’ inevitable comeuppance five minutes before a blinding white flash in the sky.
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Okay so this really *is* like a news story straight out of Black Mirror - right down to the ending.
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Yeah, fuckin' foreign doctors. Coming over here, curing the shit out of our kids.
Theresa May tells BBC foreign doctors will be allowed to stay "until further numbers [of home-grown doctors] are trained". Doc-exit in 2025?.
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Just to clear it up: nope, I’d never heard anything about Cameron and a pig when coming up with that story. So this weirds me out.
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Experienced curious swell of patriotic pride on reading this.
yo man theres some British show on Netflix called embarrassing bodies and they just showed a woman's entire actual anus.
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Surprise!.
Philomena Cunk's back! | Diane Morgan's character returns for a round-up of 2019
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I stand with Kim Kardashian.
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ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED.
Anyone explain what this #Cunk thing is doing on BBC2? . “Bumholes” is funny to seven-year-old boys. Not so much grown ups at 10.30pm.
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.@10DowningStreet oh my god have you SEEN this?.
There cannot be one rule for Dominic Cummings and another for the British people.
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Hi, I’m Barry Scott. Blue tick reappeared? Change your name, then change it back. BANG! And the mark is gone.
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“The lockdown rules do not apply to Dominic Cummings” - Suella Braverman, Attorney General of England and Wales.
Protecting one’s family is what any good parent does. The @10DowningStreet statement clarifies the situation and it is wholly inappropriate to politicise it.
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It's great to be a proud citizen of the world's leading cautionary tale.
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Brexit is as complex as it is shit. Like planning the moon landings blindfold, heading for a planet of wet turds in a wet turd spaceship.
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His 100+ backers must be devastated, assuming imaginary people can experience emotions.
Boris Johnson says he will not stand for the Tory leadership. For more on this and other news visit
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Not sure “Tough on AIDS victims” is going to be a popular campaign slogan. #LeadersDebate.
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Ok so I think I can now confirm that CUNK ON EARTH starts at 2200 on Tuesday 20th September on BBC2.
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.@10DowningStreet Hmm, not sure the “move on” mantra did the trick. What’s on the next page of Gaslighting For Dummies?.
BREAKING: A Durham Police investigation has concluded that Dominic Cummings DID breach lockdown rules when he drove to Barnard Castle, the Telegraph has learned.
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As a parent currently crafting an emergency Wimpy Kid mask from the top of a pizza box can I just say FUCK WORLD BOOK DAY.
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I suppose the history books will say Theresa May poured her legacy into an upturned crash helmet and shat in it.
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With that in mind, I will now make an optimistic prediction in the hope it also comes true: we’ll come out the other side of the coronavirus crisis a more empathetic, altruistic, and globally conscious society.
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Biased, but I genuinely think this is a very good concept for a Mr Man.
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I hope Jeremy Corbyn is going to read out questions from members of the public again this Wednesday.
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I’m as tired of petitions as you are. But if this one hits 100k signatures it gets debated in Parliament. So fuck it: signed.
A formal petition has been launched against Donald Trump's state visit to UK over the #MuslimBan.
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Black Mirror Junior Edition
For parents looking to give toddlers guilt-free screen time, Fisher-Price has this high-tech exercise bike #CES2017
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At this rate next referendum we hold will be to decide whether or not to burn Edward Woodward alive in a huge wicker man to save the crops.
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Our comedy special DEATH TO 2020 is now streaming on Netflix.
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Firm but fair.
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Cunk on Earth starts tonight at 10pm on BBC2 - and the whole series drops on @BBCiPlayer around the same time…
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I expect London will show Mr Trump an exceptionally warm welcome the day he comes to visit Her Majesty the Queen.
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RIP the actual genius Terry Jones. Far too many brilliant moments to choose from. Here’s one random wafer-thin mint.
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Aha, first of our new Black Mirror images are starting to appear. These are from 'San Junipero' and 'Nosedive':
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Haven't seen Top Gear yet. Did it contain spoilers? (This is a car joke).
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CUNK & OTHER HUMANS ON 2019 is on BBC2 EVERY NIGHT from THIS MONDAY. It’ll help you make sense of the year.
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Hopefully tonight’s #AntiviralWipe will make you laugh at some point. If it doesn’t, switch it off and watch something that will, because YOU DESERVE A LAUGH. BBC2 9pm.
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The new series of @blackmirror will magically appear on Netflix at around 8am UK time. Thanks to everyone involved in every aspect of it.
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