Casey Duncan
@caseytduncan
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Pinned Tweet
Struggling all night with fictitious work problems in my dreams, that’s how I want to go.
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When talking with a telemarketer, I always end the conversation with, "I love you."
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I like how the GPS lady doesn't get upset with me when I take a wrong turn. She just calculates new directions like nothing ever happened.
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If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler's hand.
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One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
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I'm trying to date a philosophy professor, but she doesn't even know if I exist or not
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I'll bet the acoustic version of my life is pretty sweet
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Me: I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
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I wonder if Ronald McDonald screams "I'm lovin it!" while making sweet clown love.
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I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It's dead yarn now, though.
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I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. "Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers."
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I'll take robbery for $500, Alex. And your wallet. I'll take your wallet, too.
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Did you know that aside from shopping and having coffee that you can also use yoga pants for workouts?
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Good things come to those who wait. Bad and mediocre things come to those who wait, as well.
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Amazon Prime is like, “Here are a bunch of cool shows on streaming platforms that you don’t have subscriptions for.” 🤷🏻♂️
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Hamburger Helper isn't really there to help the hamburger
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"Good luck tomorrow."
* Me confusing a random stranger *
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I guessed what once. It turned out to be a chicken butt.
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Casey: Keep the change.
Cashier: Sir, you still owe me 57 cents.
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Mirror: You look great! Go get em, killer!!
Phone Camera: You disgust me. I'm surprised they even let you out in public.
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Maybe you don't have swagger, maybe it's an inner ear infection.
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I found a dead kitten in the work copier. It looks like the copycat killer has struck again.
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I walk into the room like I rent it at a very reasonable price.
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Starbucks was out of napkins. Thankfully, I have a 3 month supply in my glove box.
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I put salt on my porch and driveway to help with the ice. I also added a dash of paprika for a little zing.
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There's enough hate in this world already. That's why we need to focus more on our space program. We can bring hate to other worlds, too.
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I'm pretty sure moonshine is when you rub Vaseline on another person's butt.
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I drop it like it's hot, but then I pick it up like it's had sufficient time to cool off.
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I thought a wild animal was about to attack me, but it was just a bag blowing in the wind. Thanks a lot peripheral vision!
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Remember, always lift with your back, and never talk to people you're attracted to.
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When I pass a car while yawning, I often wonder if the passerby thinks I'm screaming.
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I'm super mysterious. I don't even know what I'm up to.
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The only time I dust is when I accidently brush up against my furniture.
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Everybody's a critic, and I don't think they're doing it right.
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I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would've enjoyed it.
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This is a little song called, "I Can't Sing Or Play The Guitar."
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People say I'm a bad person, but they're just jealous that they can't kick pigeons as far as I can.
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I'll bet when your parachute doesn't open your poop-chute does.
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2 + 2 = 4
Women: 2 X 7 = 14 - 3 = 11 X 3 = 33 - 23 = 10/2 = 5 - 1 = 4
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Ironically, it's impossible to look cool when you're cold.
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When I find someone else's grocery list in a shopping cart I use it....see where it takes me.
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An actual gym rat would be pretty adorable if it lifted tiny weights.
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I'd go back to the grocery store a second time for you.
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Press 1 to hear a noise. Press 2 to hear a slightly different noise.
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Some people you look at and you just know...they have cats.
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We should get one lifetime to make mistakes and a second to get things right.
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Remember your first time on Twitter when none of this made sense?
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No more Mr. Nice Guy. It's time for Mr. Super Duper Nice Guy.
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I know where all of this madness ends. It ends with avocado coffee.
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Salesperson: Hi, do you rent or own your home?
Me: I do the opposite of whatever this pitch is.
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Once you've had thick tinfoil, you just can't go back.
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It takes two to tango, unless you're lonely and you have a mop.
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I can't tell if you're funny or just really depressed?
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I like pineapple upside-down cake, only I prefer it right-side up...and without pineapples. I like chocolate cake.
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The difference between a hoedown and a hootenanny is about five beers.
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The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
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Ahhhh....to see the world through a child's eyes. Unfortunately, the surgery is tricky and tad unethical.
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Children are the future. That's why I use them as fuel for my time machine.
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Friend: You've made your bed, now lie in it.
Me: Cool. Goodnight.
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If you can't handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
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I'm trying to become a better person. I just need a few more parts from the morgue.
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I may not be the smartest person in the room, but I'm definitely in the room.
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I've banged my knee a few times, but we still see other people.
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I can calculate your age by the amount of noise you make when getting up from a seated position.
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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And I was attacked by a large beast.
I'm pretty much a werewolf now.
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