Casey Johnston
@caseyjohnston
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GO TO caseyjohnston ON BLUESKY
Los Angeles, CA
Joined September 2008
He’s not lost. he’s free.
On my bike ride this morning, saw a delivery robot lost in the woods
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damn. the dress worked.
It’s time the super-wealthy and big corporations pay their fair share in taxes.
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"NFT guy finding out NFTs are just jpegs" never gets old
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Boy math is paying $44 billion for a $25 billion company and, through business smarts and entrepreneurial know how, turning it into an $8.8 billion company.
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When you say “Are you free for a call sometime?” The “I’m free right now” people are the absolute most chaotic.
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if i were google maps i would simply show the names of the streets instead of leaving them blank for 40 scrolls in either direction.
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finding a therapist is simple, just contact 50 people, 25 are no longer in network despite their listing, 15 don't answer, 5 have switched to $600/hr life coaching, 2 don't like your vibe, one now only does pets. the one you pick will stop responding and you go with the other one.
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really regretting the "CUOMOSEXUAL" tattoo I got with 14 of my best girlfriends when our pod went on our socially-distanced-when-possible girls' trip to cabo in april.
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its the water temple.
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ppl like "what's with Hilary's pantsuit, she looks like a interplanetary leader from the future".FUCKING.DUH.DRESS FOR THE JOB YOU WANT.
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i'll never forget that bon appetit video that was pitched as "a breakfast sandwich for when you are hungover" and it's like a nine hundred step sandwich. the guy is like "so you just finely dice your soft herb medley. boom".
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fuck a basketball game i want to watch the bucks on the phone w the AG of wisconsin.
Wow. @TheAthletic is reporting that the Bucks players are in the locker room trying to get in touch with the attorney general of Wisconsin.
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Damn, the very obvious thing people were telling Twitter to do for five years turned out to work.
Misinformation dropped dramatically the week after Twitter banned Trump
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ive been on twitter what feels like my entire life and ive never seen before what they're doing to this palestinian journalist's account
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Cats can really just stare at you and be happy like that. As an activity it fills up their whole walnut brain.
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if i made power strips i would simply make the outlets more than an eighth of an inch apart so you could actually plug six things into them instead of just two.
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So I want to understand the cultural context in which Being John Malkovich happened, like what was Malkovich’s specific deal at that time that they could meta-title a movie about him like that. If they made Being John Malkovich today, who would it be instead of John Malkovich.
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give Marianne the nomination so she can announce her running mate, a Himalayan salt lamp.
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VICE laid me off today, but I did what I came to do: great work with my beautiful team. We all die (pivot to video) but not all of us truly live, and by god the life team lived.
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I am sure why; the paychecks are not hittin and the workplaces are bad
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i stand by it
Reply with your best post of the year. Not the one that did the best numbers necessarily but the one you’re proudest of.
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These kinds of mass shootings rarely happen elsewhere in the world. Why are we willing to live with this carnage? Why do we keep letting this happen? Where in God’s name is our backbone to have the courage to deal with it? . It’s time to turn this pain into action.
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the New York health department is about to drop vaccine appointments at 8am to all the people my age as if we haven’t been studying the blade of Ticketmaster all our lives.
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If I were the running back in any football game, instead of running directly into the pile of guys, I would simply go around.
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This is such a funny thing to hide up your sleeve until the very last second. Like being the designated driver for a bank heist and the rest of the team comes flying out the doors with the money and there you are on a unicycle
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as we all know, the classic sign of being the one who is actually right is not being mad, but laughing
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[checks clock at 1:40pm]: I have a call at 2.[1:42pm]: I have a call at 2.[1:44pm]: I have a call at 2.[1:48pm]: I have a call at 2.[1:52pm]: I have a call at 2.[1:53pm]: I have a call at 2.[1:55pm]: I have a call at 2.[1:57pm]: I have a call at 2.[2:17pm]: EVERY GOD DAMN TIME.
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We are saying “second dose” when we should be saying “dose dos”.
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TECH CO: how do we retain talent. WOMAN TRYING TO HOLD BABY AND LAPTOP SIMULTANEOUSLY: help. TECH CO: lets increase the free cereals to 37.
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the evidence is clear: all the doomscrolling worked.
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us (dumb, bad): facebook data breach.facebook (smug): it can’t be a breach when its working exactly like it’s supposed to. wait don’t write that dow.
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a situation that kris jenner does not have control over terrifies me.
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my thing that i think about a lot is that in nyc you can request a tree to be planted on your block for free by the city and when the tree comes it has a sign on it that says “i’m your new tree, please take care of me”.
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the process of iud insertion is absolute bullshit and violence, there are a million ways it doesn’t have to be the worst pain of your entire life but no one tries to make it better because people could give a shit about women
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As a couple you should own a minimum of the following:. -one nothing wrong with me.-two nothing wrong with me.-three nothing wrong with me.-four nothing wrong with me.-one something’s got to give.-two something’s got to give.
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goddamn this article SO validating for me, a person who spends the entire movie/tv show turning the volume up and down and up and down and up and down
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@Cobratate @GretaThunberg Andrew Tate sir, don't listen to all the people saying you are a pathetic has-been who had his balls ground into a fine mince and served to him well done by a young child. Your silk robe clearly demonstrates who is the big dog here!.
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If coronavirus had arrived like 20 years ago can you imagine what the situation at blockbuster would have been.
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every olympic event should be preceded by one normal person trying to do the thing literally at all.
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Oh boy the “I’m free right now”s are, as it turns out, free right now, to prove they are NOT chaotic.
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my god i forgot the entire category of "not taking new patients".
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summoning circle hope this works. 🕯️. 🕯️ 🕯️. 🕯️ 🕯️. Miley cyrus.🕯️ cover of 🕯️. Running up. 🕯️ that hill 🕯️. 🕯️ 🕯️. 🕯️.
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i love netflix’s new layout, “scroll carefully because the little title cards are autoplay video lava".
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Reuters: Amazon has told staff it will pay up to $4,000 in travel expenses annually for non-life threatening medical treatments including abortions.
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@fbnewsroom this tweet appears to contain words but all i hear are little baby crying sounds? can you explain.
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i think we have to try communicating with more of the powerful elderly in big red text and see how that does us.
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Crazy to think that like 20 years ago if you were late to meet someone for dinner, you’d arrive and they’d be just sitting there staring into space. Maybe folding their napkin into different shapes.
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hard to pick a favorite from this sequence but few 90 seconds bang harder than jack meeting cooter burger of the failing US government
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I’m glad so many in the replies have asked, “a company is worth what someone will pay for it” is boy math and “billionaires buy restaurants to hang out in” is also boy math.
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i won't stand for any tom-holland-as-nathan-drake shade, he gave us the rihanna umbrella lip sync battle can do whatever he wants.
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We are taught in school that presidents and mayors were great and important men in their time and then we grow up and experience a few presidents and mayors ourselves and come to learn they’re all just some fuckin guy.
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"We would rather nobody buy any Frito-Lay products, Fritos, Doritos, Tostitos, Funyuns, Cheetos, all those, while we're on strike. We make all of those in Topeka, Kansas."
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Mom: can you help me schedule a vaccine. 30 year daughter with seven vaxx websites open on three devices across WiFi and a personal hotspot: well well well if it isn’t miss “nsync will sound the same live as they do on the cd” years 1997-2000.
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@ethanhardy an older gingergbread man passes two younger gingerbread men and says "morning boys, how's the gingerbread?" and the two gingerbread men stand there for a bit before one turns to the other and says "what the fuck is gingerbread?".
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I do not really want to see any “I didn’t understand how bad climate change was until it affected me personally” pieces, right up there with “I thought all women should be kept in cages and then I had a daughter”.
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This isn’t mission impossible let’s make a firm low stakes plan for the near future like two grown ups.
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okay time to set the record straight and clear my name
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Ok now imagine this guy is also in charge of a company that makes cars that people drive no-hands down the highway at 65 miles an hour.
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@tinybaby @davekarpf area 51 but for going to bret stephens house and calling him a bedbug.
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my technical commentary has been requested: no reason to do kipping pullups unless you are competing, and actually competitive in, crossfit, which MJG need not worry about since crossfit said a few weeks ago "we want nothing to do with this bitch"
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remember that viral meme where people posted facebook statuses like "facebook i FORBID you to use my information". in light of this situation, i do not think it worked.
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many are saying Giuliani is dripping Just for Men hair dye here but, you know when a septic tank is too full of shit and seeps to the surface of the yard? i think that's his brain.
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You don’t have to pay for Twitter Blue to get half the ads, they are literally all gone now.
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A tweet just for me but today is the day my dad died 15 years ago, and in doing a little research today, based on age and high school basketball league, I learned he probably played against Anthony Fauci; sad I will never know if my dad crossed him up.
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no one is asking the big questions about re-openings, like where are any of us going to pee. one person in here fully peed their pants in public, the madness is only beginning .
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I chime in with a havent you people ever heard of limited trade to protect firms.
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a non-zero number of people are claiming that there WAS supposed to be a real robot demo but there was a last minute problem. yeah let's get the last-minute dancer up there with the last-minute unitard fit to his body that we didn't plan to have lying around.
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The number one question people ask me is “how did you get into lifting weights?” and I had to start with the bad reasons I wanted it to learn the good reasons I needed it
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we tripped and hand-edited her bio and individually all her tweets by accident.
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What is the worst activity you would tolerate if it meant you could be out in public normally again? I’m between “standing for the two hours between when the doors for a concert open and any bands actually start playing” and “union pool but only after 2am”.
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rich people talking about how to make money.
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incredible: Trump says the other team was modding and could never have 360 no-scoped him without it. They were also camping the spawn points; he’s looking very strongly at this.
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fuck it: two exclamation points at the end of every sentence in every email.
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many are getting upset at the idea that i'm saying the dress literally caused biden to make a statement on taxes. for the record: yes this is definitely how i think everything works.
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No one:. Houseplant people: you’re either watering it too much or not enough.
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HE WENT AROUND.OH MY GOD HE WENT AROUND.
If I were the running back in any football game, instead of running directly into the pile of guys, I would simply go around.
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excited to start production on my film about these tweets, which i now own due to taking screenshots of them.
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i love to put money in my "high yield savings account" so it can give me literally three hundredths of one cent per dollar every month. that's free money.
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*@jack improv show*.If we could get a suggest from the audience.*cacophony of racial slurs and threats to rape his mother*.I heard "NFL".
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