My friend (5 minutes before we meet up):
Are you there now?
Me (after already meeting up with said friend, we've had a nice time and have parted ways and i finally see this text):
Yes
Jesus: Dad?
God: What's up, champ?
Jesus: I made my first animal. Wanna see it?
God: I sure do, bud!
Jesus: [reveals platypus] do you like it? Can we put it up on the Earth?
God: Eeeee....yyyy-yeah! It's great! Of course we can!
Captain's Log:
Day 1 --
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I'm confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.
Day 2 --
We killed Seamus.
How drugs feel:
Booze: I'm ready to mingle and piss
Weed: Must eat Netflix then nap
Mushrooms: I love you, I hate me
LSD: I'm literally in 4D
Cocaine: Wooo! Let's go!
Adderall: 1010011010100110101
Alien: You're telling me this
[holds up puppy]
and this
[holds up iguana]
are from the same planet?
Me: You guys haven't even looked in our water yet, have you?
met a guy who says he fixes watches/clocks for a living and i automatically assume he's amazing at it because you can't just "sort of" fix a clock. It either tells time or it's a shitty clock.
child: help! i think my leg's broken!
???: don't worry, kid, i got ya!
child: wow! batman and robin!
robin: no, actually just robin
child: oh
robin:
child: you know my leg actually doesn't look that bad, you can go
Death: So what am I doing again?
God: Guiding souls to the afterlife.
Death: To hell?
God: No, just limbo. Then Pete decides.
Death: Ok. Real quick though-- it might help people understand that if I'm not an ominous skeleton wielding a scythe.
Just overheard a girl say "You know L.A.?" and I wish I could bottle and sell the exhausted tone her friend just responded "Yes, I know what 𝘓𝘰𝘴 𝘈𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘴 is"
Prof. X: What is your power?
Me: I can find anyone's car keys instantly.
Prof. X: You're in. You're immediately in. Get the fuck in here. GUYS, COME MEET THE NEW GUY!
I had a friend who thought snakes were invertebrates, which is ironic because snakes are probably the MOST vertebrate thing on the planet. They are 99% vertebrae.
genie: what is your wish?
me: give me your pot of gold
genie: what? no, i'm a genie, you're thinking of a lep--
me: [whips out garlic]
last chance, enemigo
Personal Trainer: Today we're doing weight exercises. Pick up that TV.
Me: Shouldn't I use weights? Why aren't we at the gym?
PT: *snapping* HEY! Focus! Now carry it up this steep ramp.
Me: Is that a U-Haul?
Her:
So what do you like to do for fun?
Me:
I like to abbreviate things that end in "-tion" with "-ashe"
Her:
Sorry, I'm not sure I understand.
Me:
Abbreviashe.
(First day as a lawyer)
Me: I'm gonna use reverse psychology on 'em.
Client: I'm begging you, please n--
Me: YEAH MY CLIENT DID IT, YOUR HONOR. BOOK 'EM. GO ON, DO IT THEN, BITCH.