Glasses J. Shirtmann
@bust2nut
Followers
1,415
Following
302
Media
2,373
Statuses
15,722
hack-of-all-frauds, journeyman hater
Jail
Joined June 2014
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ah fuck = "lol whoops"
oh fuck = "I've made an irreversible, fatal error"
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server: do you want regular or boneless wings?
me: bones on the side please
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me, 5 beers deep, looking at an unfinished plate of tater tots
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My friend (5 minutes before we meet up):
Are you there now?
Me (after already meeting up with said friend, we've had a nice time and have parted ways and i finally see this text):
Yes
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I jokingly told a girl I pour the milk in first and she hasn't texted me back in three days
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Me: (at pearly gates, visibly pissed) "Bugs count?!"
St. Peter: "Bugs count."
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It turns out my seasonal depression is just regular depression because the sun is out and I still wanna die
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
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Jesus: Dad?
God: What's up, champ?
Jesus: I made my first animal. Wanna see it?
God: I sure do, bud!
Jesus: [reveals platypus] do you like it? Can we put it up on the Earth?
God: Eeeee....yyyy-yeah! It's great! Of course we can!
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@jazz_inmypants
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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i hope this email finds you, you son of a bitch. this email is coming for you.
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Captain's Log:
Day 1 --
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I'm confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.
Day 2 --
We killed Seamus.
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@jazzemu_
@AdrianRMG
can't believe that Rock Scraping Other Rock beat out Hit Log With Stick honestly wtf
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let me put it in terms you can understand, senator: dead kids can't spend money
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My 4 year old nephew describes things he doesn't like as "very sucks" and now so shall I.
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scientist: holy shit i've got something
aliens: 8...
scientist: they're typing!
aliens: 8 =
scientist: it's an equation!
aliens: 8====D
scientist:
aliens: 8====D ~
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only 2 more cartons of almond milk and i will be unstoppable
2
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How drugs feel:
Booze: I'm ready to mingle and piss
Weed: Must eat Netflix then nap
Mushrooms: I love you, I hate me
LSD: I'm literally in 4D
Cocaine: Wooo! Let's go!
Adderall: 1010011010100110101
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abolish social media and bring back bulletin boards in the town square
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Alien: You're telling me this
[holds up puppy]
and this
[holds up iguana]
are from the same planet?
Me: You guys haven't even looked in our water yet, have you?
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met a guy who says he fixes watches/clocks for a living and i automatically assume he's amazing at it because you can't just "sort of" fix a clock. It either tells time or it's a shitty clock.
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@sable_sonya
The gator is the ultimate life form. Unchanged for millennia. For it is already perfect.
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The Twin Cities currently has the worst Air Quality in the entire U.S.
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When you get dumped and find a shirt they forgot at your place
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ohhh he at it again
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doordash but you must fight the driver to earn your spoils
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child: help! i think my leg's broken!
???: don't worry, kid, i got ya!
child: wow! batman and robin!
robin: no, actually just robin
child: oh
robin:
child: you know my leg actually doesn't look that bad, you can go
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nerds rope storage
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I eat Italian cuisine
Topped off with a loaded magazine
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Death: So what am I doing again?
God: Guiding souls to the afterlife.
Death: To hell?
God: No, just limbo. Then Pete decides.
Death: Ok. Real quick though-- it might help people understand that if I'm not an ominous skeleton wielding a scythe.
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king: have you finished surveying the land?
cartographer: yes
king: all of it?
cartographer: [staring at sea monster doodle]
...yes
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Just overheard a girl say "You know L.A.?" and I wish I could bottle and sell the exhausted tone her friend just responded "Yes, I know what 𝘓𝘰𝘴 𝘈𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘴 is"
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Prof. X: What is your power?
Me: I can find anyone's car keys instantly.
Prof. X: You're in. You're immediately in. Get the fuck in here. GUYS, COME MEET THE NEW GUY!
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i like when a little critter pauses for a second like they forgot what they're doing
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developing a crush as an adult is the same as getting sick you're just a mess and like "please this can't happen right now I have to go to work."
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I had a friend who thought snakes were invertebrates, which is ironic because snakes are probably the MOST vertebrate thing on the planet. They are 99% vertebrae.
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Does anyone ever ask rational questions on Yahoo Answers? It's always like
"im haunt by ghost that eat ass????? HELP??"
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Idea:
Free meal for anyone willing to call out a shitty customer at a restaurant directly to their dumb karen-ass face.
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@Zanytiger6
@LumpyTheCook
ironically, portal probably sparked a whole gen of snarky dialog writers
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genie: what is your wish?
me: give me your pot of gold
genie: what? no, i'm a genie, you're thinking of a lep--
me: [whips out garlic]
last chance, enemigo
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every day i see something that's probably a cue meant to wake me from a coma dream
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ah fuck just ruined the tooth fairy for my son he caught me putting a quarter under his pillow and eating the tooth
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Personal Trainer: Today we're doing weight exercises. Pick up that TV.
Me: Shouldn't I use weights? Why aren't we at the gym?
PT: *snapping* HEY! Focus! Now carry it up this steep ramp.
Me: Is that a U-Haul?
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The majority of 2020 has been just me sitting in my room, reading a headline, and going "welp,"
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Mad scientist: I've done it. I've pooped in every country IN THE WORLD!
Assistant: What will you do now, sir?
Mad scientist: [Leers at the moon]
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All you really need in life:
- 1 to 4 friends
- some kind of drug
- a solid left hook
- nachos
- probably water and shelter
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Swearing is an essential part of cooking. There's nothing like saying "fuck you, stupid bitch" to a pan of minced garlic you just burned.
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Oh that's your girl? Then why's my memory card in her PS2?
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Her:
So what do you like to do for fun?
Me:
I like to abbreviate things that end in "-tion" with "-ashe"
Her:
Sorry, I'm not sure I understand.
Me:
Abbreviashe.
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Skrumm's Law:
The quickest way to incite rage online is not through politics, but food.
Ex. Cinnamon rolls are actual trash
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If you got shrunk which of these guys would be your noble steed?
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(First day as a lawyer)
Me: I'm gonna use reverse psychology on 'em.
Client: I'm begging you, please n--
Me: YEAH MY CLIENT DID IT, YOUR HONOR. BOOK 'EM. GO ON, DO IT THEN, BITCH.
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