John Kennedy
@FrazzleMyGimp
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ME: Can I buy you a drink?. HER: I have a boyfriend. ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
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Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test. Me: C. Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩.
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I wrote for Zack and Cody for about 3 months back in 2006 heres some of my scripts that never made it to air
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Once i figure out how to articulate my thoughts you guys are fucked.
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When i was 10 i was playing club penguin at the library and i joined a random igloo. There were two penguins in there and they were like “this is private get out” and i was like “okay sry lol” but what if they were like CIA and KGB guys discussing stuff so their emails don’t leak.
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this is what they mean by passive income.
A Jungle Myna, has been trained to go out and look for cash, then bring it back home with him.
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PIZZA GUY: You’re total is $26.34. ME: I can’t afford that. PIZZA GUY: Well you’ll have to pay some other way. ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars. PORN DIRECTOR: Cut.
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first nose wouldn’t even notice if the coke was laced with marbles.
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Im literally at a loss for words. I cant believe this bet from 2009 just hit
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MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night. ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no. [meanwhile in ufo]. ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?. DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
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Catching up with some old friends on Facebook messenger
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Took Adderall too late in the day yesterday and was up until 4am writing down compliments i could give a judge to get him on my side if im on trial
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The cool thing about writing for Disney channel is I got to write for every show. Here is one of my scripts I wrote for Hannah Montana in 2006 that didn’t get to air.
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[Home Depot staff meeting]. BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is? . ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
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Following the suck tube at the dentist and it goes in a cabinet and its an intern with a long straw.
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GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?. ME: Leave that to me. [later, at dinner]. HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack. ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s ;) having a heart attack ;).
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WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas. ME: {drinking toast} Why?.
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Cinderella: do you think I’ll find love at the ball. Godmother brushing her hair: you’re friends with rats.
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[before electricity was invented]. ME: [presses hand dryer]. GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale].
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In 2007 the CEO of AMC Adam Aron paid me $2500 to create a show about drugs and teaching. You guys probably know the show as Breaking Bad but here was the original script
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[cloud watching]. GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring. ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
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ME: Goodnight bed, goodnight floor, goodnight-. CELLMATE: Hey asshole. ME:. CELLMATE:. ME:. CELLMATE: You forgot the moon. ME: Ahh yes, goodnight moon.
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[7 year old me opening presents from Santa]. Me: a Lynrd skynrd album?. [at the North Pole] . Elf with mullet: where the fuck is my cd.
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In 2015 I worked as a freelance writer and the US Army asked me to make ads targeted towards high schoolers. Here’s some of my scripts that they rejected
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I wish i could still believe in god that shit was fun now im like ok cant wait to be dirt.
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When I was a staff writer at Nickelodeon, I pitched a spinoff show for Miranda Cosgrove called ICarly. Here was the original script I wrote for them
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: The pilot is dead! Can anyone fly a plane!?. ME: I have a pilots license!. [everyone exhales in relief]. ME: I stole it from the pilot after I murdered him.
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[invention of stripper pole]. FIREFIGHTER: *slides down pole*. OTHER FIREFIGHTER: Damn Larry you’re just gonna have all that ass?.
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Nick Jonas: hey Michael I’ve heard so much about you. Joe Jonas: what’s up Michael. Kevin jonas: hey there Mi-. Make a wish kid: I thought I was pretty clear about no Kevin.
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They should finish the Alec Baldwin movie but after the scene where the incident happened he should have a banana gun the rest of the movie.
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So crazy that Julius Caesar had that line queued up when Brutus stabbed him. If my friend stabbed me id say something like “Ow Ben” or “Whats gotten into you Ben”.
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WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession. WIFES FRIEND: Why?. [I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]. ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
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Judge: we will now take a thirty minute recess. [10 minutes later outside]. Defendant: can you push me on the swing.
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[spelling bee]. Me: spell metamorphosis . Kid: can u use it in a sentence. Me: *leaning into mic* Spell metamorphosis.
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its the show with hot questions and even hotter wings, today we’re joined by john wayne gacy.
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Coworker: you didn’t accidentally staple your balls to ur desk again did you. Me: no. Coworker: then come here. Me: ok. [sound of desk sliding across floor].
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DOCTOR: We’re gonna have to amputate above the knee. ME: But I can’t survive if I’m just a Leg.
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[guy pulls a knife] . Oh no. [he opens a card board box with it]. Phew. [he pulls a gun out of the box]. Oh no.
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Do you think the first guy to bury a dead body ran the idea by anyone first or do you think he just grabbed a shovel and started digging and people were like is he gonna plant his dad.
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Like imagine the UN meeting in an igloo and theres like 200 penguins to discuss issues that would make it so fun.
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Damn dude putting yourself in other peoples shoes is emotionally draining i gotta become a republican.
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[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk.
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WIFE: I want a divorce. ME: Is it because of my small wrists?. WIFE: Yes. ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
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Elon hired me earlier this week to transcribe everything people are saying at Twitter HQ. Here is the last 24 hours
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[sees shark fin swimming toward me]. Oh no. [its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]. Phew. [the boy is riding a shark]. Oh no.
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[college move in day]. Roommate: where’s your bed?. Me: my dad is bringing it haha. [i call my dad] you were right he didn’t wanna share.
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sending “cant stop thinking about dougs chili” into a facebook church potluck group chat from 6 years ago.
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Oompa Loompa: can I get my paycheck. Willy wonka: sorry I can’t hear you. Oompa Loompa: ugh *starts dancing* 🎵 can I get my paycheck to feed my kids.
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HOMELESS GUY: Anything helps. ME: Sorry I don’t have any mon-. HOMELESS GUY: I said anything. ME: Uh, ok? [does a little dance]. HOMELESS GUY: There we go.
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I lost my religion when I was 8 years old when I went to costco with my mom and saw the pastor of my church there in shorts and flip flops and he dropped a box of wheat thins on the ground and went “fuckin dick meat”.
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@jazz_inmypants Peter Pan: oh I’m sorry how’d he die. Captain Hook: [in anger] you don’t care, you don’t care peter. Peter:. Captain Hook: [suddenly crying] why didn’t his parachute work.
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[calling friend while dog sitting] does it drink regular or Diet Coke.
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[hospital]. ME: {turns off tv}. MY DAD: *wakes up from coma* I was watching that.
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WITCH: [sleeping]. ME: ᴴᵉʰᵉ [puts her hand in warm water]. WITCH: [hand starts melting]. ME: ᴺᵒ ⁿᵒ ˢʰᶦᵗ ˢʰᶦᵗ ˢʰᶦᵗ.
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[zombie apocalypse]. SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it. ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead.
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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh. [later]. COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?. ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster.
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ME: You know how you keep telling me you wanna go star gazing?. GIRLFRIEND: Yes?!? . ME: [pats the ground next to me]. GIRLFRIEND: But the sun is still out. ME: I think you mean the star is still out.
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[At drive through]. GUY: would you like a drink holder?. ME: ya sure. [driving home]. ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?. GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
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ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?. ME: Not murdering. ATTORNEY: But where were you?. ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
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ME: I had a nightmare can I sleep in your bed. CELLMATE: dude. ME:. CELLMATE:. ME:. CELLMATE: Of course you can sleep in my bed.
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Like 2 penguins go to the side and theyre like “lets front like we’re down for the oil deal but raise concerns when they’re about to pull the trigger” and everyone can see their text above their heads.
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[texting my sister while I babysit her kids] the fat one is a douche.
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ME: [falling over] Agh leg cramp!. GF: [rubbing leg]. ME: Agh dick cramp!. GF: haha nice try. [later]. GF: I didn’t realize-. FUNERAL DIRECTOR: if only someone had rubbed his dick.
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[in a steel doomsday bunker]. FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid. ME: No!. [something strikes the side of our bunker].
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ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha. PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]. ME: Oh no shit shit shit.
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I thought people would be more on board with my Construction Day idea
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Priest: tell me your confessions. Me: I said the f word twice this week. Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else.
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WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby. ME: Ugh fine. [later]. WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?. ME: His name is torch now.
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Her: i’m pregnant. Willy Wonka: oh my god, what are we gonna do. Her: I need an abortion. Willy wonka: ok ok [he plays a little flute]. Oompa Loompa in surgical mask: what’s up boss.
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DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him. ME: cool. [later] . TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?. ME: yeah. TREE: cool just checkin.
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CHARLIE: [gets golden ticket] Grandpa I want you to come to the factory with me. GRANDPA: Thank you Charlie!. [they embrace]. OTHER GRANDPA: *getting out of bed* Cool, guess I’ll go fuck myself.
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GF: Let’s role play. ME: Ok I’ll be Tom and you be Jerry. GF: Ok?. ME: Hey Jerry wanna have sex?. GF: Have you ever seen Tom and Jerry?. ME: No.
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ME: Hey! A shooting star make a wish!. WIFE: I wish you would just sign the divorce papers. ME:. WIFE:. ME: You aren’t supposed to say it out loud.
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This is the stupidest thing ive ever posted and you all fell for it.
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[building on fire]. ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary. CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday. ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION.
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[at the zoo]. ZOO KEEPER: No throwing things at the animals. ME: But he-. PANDA: [nails me in the face with a dodgeball] Get fucked.
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Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here. Me: what?. Mailman: what’s in the package. Me: oh I thought u meant my house. Mailman: no haha. Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol. Mailman: for real what is it. Me: oh bowling balls without holes.
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ROOMBA: I pick up anything. ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30. ROOMBA: No wait-. [45 minutes later]. ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?.
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Guitar center should also sell rocks that are small enough to not break a window but big enough to get her attention.
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[Wendy’s Job Interview]. INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering. ME: Sir please get back in your car. INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
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If you guys want any industry advice or are hiring at a grocery store/moving company hit me up!.
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Guy: hey john . Me: [forgot his name but don’t wanna be rude and ask for it] sup bitch.
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GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me. Her Friend: How do u know. GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars. [I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]. ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell.
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CHARMIN EXEC: How should we market our toilet paper?. EMPLOYEE: Show it’s durability. EMPLOYEE 2: Show how soft it is. ME: Bear ass.
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[job interview]. INTERVIEWER: And it says here you used to murder kids?. OOMPA LOOMPA: No I just watched them die. INTERVIEWER:. OOMPA LOOMPA: Then me and my buddies sang a lil song after.
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[coffee shop]. ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]. CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?. ME: No it’s a flyer.
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New York is fun because I woke up this morning trying to decide if I wanted to go get coffee or make a cup and then I went outside and saw a guy grab a pigeon out of the air and throw it in garbage bin.
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can see into the future. ME: Right. INTERVIEWER: uhhh ok. next question, [points at shape on paper] what kind of triangle is this?. ME:. INTERVIEWER: Oh my god.
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GIRLFRIEND: Please, no Spider-Man quotes tonight. [meeting her parents later]. HER MOM: You’ve got to give this sushi place a chance. ME: {fighting back tears} What about my uncle? Did you give him a chance?.
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I had a dream last night that I was being chased by Bob the tomato and I ran to Target and hid behind one of the big red target balls and I thought I lost him but then the ball started breathing.
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JOCKEY: I did it I won the race . HORSE: Yeah you did it wow you’re so fast go clean my shit.
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Wife: I’m leaving you. Me: why. Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued. Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure.
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Biden_waddler76: im cutting off trade . Putinloveshappy_feet: why. Zelenskyymonkey4: [dancing].
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Mcdonalds employee: your voice sounds so familiar. Me: guess i just have one of those voices haha. employee: [snapping] you called earlier asking if we had a pool.
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NEW LEAF: I just love being a leaf!. OLD LEAF: Just wait until fall. NEW LEAF: What happens during fall?. OLD LEAF: *taking drag of cigarette* some pretty fucked up shit.
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