Benj
@benjrainwrite
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Following
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I worry about my unruly fish sons | he/him
Queens, NY
Joined November 2011
Me using a whisk: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!! . Me having to wash a whisk: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.
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Had to do a “if you could time travel, where would you go and why” icebreaker for work and someone’s response was “the Garden of Eden to ascertain the Creator’s intention for mankind”
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Truly no point in litigating this but wasn't Manny Jacinto's character in The Good Place diegetically a smokeshow? I thought the other characters explicitly talked about how hot he is.
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I had a dream the Grinch released his own holiday liqueur called “Grinchata”.
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My brother & his husband are hosting thanksgiving and I wonder what my parents think this decoration in their bathroom is
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In honor of JK Rowling stepping in it yet again, please enjoy the worst Grindr message I ever received:
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I just love Bayonetta's maximalist approach like "she's a British witch with sexy librarian glasses who uses guns to fight god and her high heels are also guns btw her hair can summon demons and is also her clothes and".
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I can’t think of a funny caption for this I was just delighted to see it in the grocery store
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Forever haunted by the time I c*** in a man and he said “haha I’m like a lava lamp”.
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Not to be a m*sical th**tre gay but Catherine Zeta Jones kinda freaked it in Chicago.
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If God didn’t want us to put Q-tips so deep in our ear canals then why did He make it feel so good????.
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@stockpiledclay Admittedly I forgot about the whole "angel with a flaming sword barring reentry" thing but ya He was pretty cut and dry about this, wasn't he.
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Alicia Bees. organic honey.Alicia Sees. glasses for those in need.Alicia Sneeze. moisturizing tissues.Alicia Pleas. pro bono legal aid
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I told a guy I was seeing before all this “I miss hanging out with you” and he responded “I miss a lot of things”
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When I become mayor of NYC I will make it the law that everyone can legally take a nap if there's a mid-afternoon thunderstorm.
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Thanks for the whisk cleaning tips and if you have any for garlic presses I’d be much obliged.
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I wait to save numbers so I don’t get attached too early, like in the Middle Ages when they wouldn’t name babies until they turned 1.
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@phantom_threadz Like. no one else could've gotten me to watch all of Nine Perfect Strangers!.
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". and her main weapon is a bayonet, right?"."What? No. That would be absurd. Haven't you been paying attention? Anyway she can control time and she heals herself using lollipops and".
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It's like a storyboarders' 13-year-old nephew came to work and blurted something out and everyone was like "wait actually let's hear the kid out".
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Yes I agree that a dishwasher would be the easiest way but I do not in fact have one.
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@alfredosauce1 In fairness it was definitely effective as an icebreaker bc it tells us quite a lot about her lmao.
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At least two men I was attracted to have gone to Fire Island and yes I’m mourning my crushes but more so I’m feeling ashamed at being attracted to such selfish assholes in the first place.
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Went on a date with a guy who said he’s “single” meaning “he lives with his ex” meaning “they’re on-again off-again” meaning “it’s an open relationship and they fight a lot”
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Hot grammar take: it makes more sense for punctuation to go outside of quotation marks if it’s not explicitly part of what’s being quoted.
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All the QTs saying “this would work on me”
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“Can u come tomorrow at 9am” okay first of all you’re a Grindr rando, not my manager.
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My boss attempted to start a “joy corner” to raise our morale and I’ll be honest this did make me laugh
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Roommate: “are you working today?”.Me: “haha nope I’m off!”.Roommate: “oh cool, you’re just on your laptop either way so it’s hard to tell”.Me:
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I’m almost 30 but a no-context message like this from my dad still puts me in fight or flight mode
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I once had sex with a man who traveled to New York for a Pokémon GO event. I was aware of this information prior to the sex.
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I do love that the discourse around Marie Kondo made it seem like she personally was coming into your home and forcing you to throw out books and heirlooms.
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Thinking about the time my ex and I bumped into some teens smoking weed on the street, who momentarily panicked until one said “aw they’re not cops, it’s just gay dudes”.
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“Omg this is just like MIDSOMMAR”.-All of Twitter any time a group of women stand outside.
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This meme was prophetic
Mariah Carey for V Magazine: (2020). "We’ve been socialized to believe that poverty is a personal failure rather than our systems failing us."
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Can't do the cutesy "outsider underdog rejecting the stuffy elite" bit when you're enthusiastically backing genocidal imperialism btw!!.
Fetterman very on brand by showing up to a fancy DC dinner in a tuxedo hoodie and shorts (he’s even got cufflinks on the sleeves)
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Me liking tweet exchanges between two people who don’t follow me
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Me, crawling through the desert: “I think I see an oasis”.Jonathan Van Ness: “Umm you mean an Oh-Hey,-Sis! Use promo code MOTHERLAKE for 10% off your first purchase through Drinkly, my new partnership with Immortan Joe,”.
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POV ur Eurydice and ur finally about to get out of the underworld
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Someone remind me to come back to this area once I’ve unlocked bombs
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Explained the “gays can’t do math” joke to my classicist friend and she had an extremely compelling counter argument
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@Bayoposting I mean okay she’s from a fictionalized version of Europe and she’s voiced by a British voice actor are we really gonna split hairs here.
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The aggressively hetero real estate agent said “can you believe I picked out this backsplash myself” and I had to be like “omg wow no way”
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Disproportionately flustered by this being organized alphabetically
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Just increased the font size in a video game for the first time in my life
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Grindr but just for guys nearby who can give me a really good hug.
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I would make fun but honestly these are the cues my oblivious ass needs
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Thinking about the time I said “I don’t think I have a type” and my sister, without looking up from her phone, shot off “it’s professors and himbos, no in-between”.
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The rumors are true: I’m listening to music by sad white ladies while I go for my gay little walk.
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WHAT IN TÁR NATION: Fine Arts, Fandom, and Feminism in the 21st Century.
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Wow it’s almost like they floated an unsustainable business model with venture capital until they drove out competition, like everyone said they were doing
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Coworker tried to pass off an obviously fake "holiday pic from abroad" and a reverse image search of her previous pics revealed she's been lying to us for years???.
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Good afternoon, Benj’s long hair was a two year sociological study conducted by Harvard University. We are now complete with our study. Thank you for your time.
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If u saw me wait a day to post my haircut selfie bc I wanted to style it differently no u didn’t ❤️
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I sent a man I was flirting with my Spotify On Repeat and he said “oh you’re GAY gay” and stopped responding :-(.
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Conveniently I had already had this on hand from when I watched You've Got Mail
Parker Posey has officially joined the cast of ‘THE WHITE LOTUS’ Season 3.
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When I press the “heart” button under your tweet it is to indicate that I am in love with u.
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Someone has to finally say it: tomatoes are overrated!!! They’re cute and taste fine but they’re too wet and I’m sick of worshipping the ground they grow on!!!.
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When this is all over I’m going to put a load in so many of you.
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Going to a trendy restaurant tonight with two of my chicest, most successful friends
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Thrilled to see he is a vocal trans ally but also this is an incredible innovation in posting.
I support my trans brothers and sisters! Luv is luv ! More power to u!
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I don’t think we sat long enough with this video from week one of the lockdown
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FWB earnestly posted the "I hate gay dating standards" tweet on Instagram
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Well I was wondering why this tweet was getting some play again but now I unfortunately know why.
In honor of JK Rowling stepping in it yet again, please enjoy the worst Grindr message I ever received:
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To think where I could be right now if I hadn’t foolishly wasted Twink Ben’s sugar baby potential
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So many of my IRL friends use Twitter to network/market themselves/make money meanwhile I use it to degrade myself for free in increasingly pitiful ways.
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Wow sorry letting thousands of people die hindered your career advancement.
Governors Gavin Newsom and Andrew Cuomo see their stars dimmed by COVID woes
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Sorry but I’m saving myself for this French chef who has been described as the “bad boy of éclairs”
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Since we’re discussing Halloween costumes, a few years ago Twink Ben went as a radish
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Me doing my stupid little job when I’ve slept 4 hours vs. 11 hours
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I am not nor will I ever be spontaneous please give me at least 24 hours of prep time or else I have a date with staying home.
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Just as a warning the T Swift song I most relate to is Blank Space
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I have been informed that Bayonetta is also canonically 8 feet tall and she has butterfly wings. God this game is perfect.
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Well I was exchanging some borderline spicy messages until he said “gosh” and now mercifully I’ll never again crave a man’s embrace.
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