Ben Davis
@bendavis_86
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Author of the Carnegie nominated THE SOUP MOVEMENT and the new LENNY LEMMON SERIES. Rep’d by @PennyHolroyde . Remember to breathe.
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Joined May 2009
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So here it is. The Buy My Books Christmas Remix. By RTing this, you are helping out the less fortunate. Me.
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I would write to my MP, but he’s Chris Pincher and I don’t want him knowing where I live.
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Found out tonight that my son thought there was an item on the McDonalds menu called Phillip the Fish
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An important message for writers: A year ago today, I was riddled with angst and self-doubt, not knowing if I'll ever write again. A year later, I'm still the same but I've put on weight.
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Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
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ME: I’m looking for funding for my prison-based creative writing workshops.
ARTS COUNCIL: OK. What is the name of this project?
ME: Prose and cons.
ARTS COUNCIL: Get out.
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Susie Dent’s preparing a tweet like,
Word of the day is Sniggywongler (16th century): to lose all your seats in local council elections.
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Just bought a £2.90 protein shake as part of a £3.40 meal deal
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Here is my top tip for working class writers looking to get into the publishing industry.
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Listen to this bloke! The bloke I’d forgotten was in it until today! He’s smarter than all of you!
#TheTraitors
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I suspect these ‘they’re the ignored working class’ takes aren’t coming from working class people. I live in a working class area, do a working class job and come from a working class family. How many people do I know that go around smashing mosques? Zero.
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This whole thing was not Moonlight's fault. The Jackson 5 were very clear about that.
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EVERYONE: So there’s this crisis going on
TORIES: WHAT IS A WOMAN?
EVERYONE: Seriously?
TORIES: WHAT HAPPENED TO SHILLINGS?
EVERYONE: Lads . . .
TORIES: THEY SHOULD BRING BACK THOSE THINGS IN PUBS WHERE EVERY TIME YOU BUY A PACK OF NUTS, YOU SEE A BIT MORE OF LINDA LUSARDI
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I don’t have an opinion on Brooklyn Beckham’s wedding. However, the fact that celebrities I remember being born are now old enough to get married does not sit well with me.
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I got books published despite my humble background. My mum works in a GP’s office and my dad owns Harper Collins.
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I did actually write to him once, back when they were flirting with overturning the hunting ban. Obviously, he was all for it. Who’d have predicted a load of posh boys chasing and cornering an unwilling innocent would be his cup of tea, eh?
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Wow, this tweet kinda blew up. While you’re here, here’s a photo of some lovely puppies.
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Welcome to the world, Elodie Elizabeth Rose. Stealing King Chuck’s thunder magnificently. Xx
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AUTHORS! What was your best intro at a school visit? Mine was when the deputy head came into the hall and said, ‘WE KNOW ONE OF YOU STARTED THE FIRE BY THE PRIMARY SCHOOL. COME FORWARD AND MAKE IT EASIER ON YOURSELF. Anyway, please welcome our guest author, Ben Davis.’
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I'm not sure what the point of this story is, to be honest.
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Whatever happens, hopefully politicians will start listening to young ppl after this. This Great Wall of gammon has had its way long enough.
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Someone on TikTok has covered Bad Guy in the style of the B-52s and it is 🤌🤌🤌
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THE BOY: I've got the key.
ME: I'VE GOT THE SECRE-E-ET!
THE BOY: . . . what?
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Saw Jon Richardson trending and thought maybe he’d done something awful. Nah, he’s just annoyed the most annoying people on Twitter.
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Look, I'm not saying I'm better than Spielberg. All I'm saying is, not ending Jaws with 'Fin' was a missed opportunity.
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Nine years ago today, my first ever school visit was reported in the local paper. They truly did me dirty.
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Any debut authors facing their first school events should take heart from the fact that they couldn’t possibly go as badly as mine.
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Just used my Society of Authors card to scrape the frozen windscreen of my Royal Mail van. If anyone’s writing a thinkpiece about author earnings, you can have that for free.
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SUNDAY MOTIVATION: If you are a debut author and feel like a failure because your book wasn’t a super smash bestseller that netted you loads of money, remember that you could always be 11 books in and still a postman
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While I was out, this enormous bad boy flew into the kitchen. My son says it’s ‘the beautifullest thing I’ve ever seen.’
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When we picked the boy up from school, we told him he had a surprise waiting for him in the garden. He got home to find his nan and granddad there. He promptly burst into tears because he wanted toys.
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Look lads, I’ve another one of these aliens on the way next year. Please consider treating yourself or a loved one to a Davis book to keep it in bibs and whatnot thanksverymuch xx
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Sure, I didn’t go to £50k a year Winchester School, but I did spend my childhood watching Kenan and Kel and Sister Sister, so who’s the real winner?
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My son’s school asked them to bring their favourite book in today. I asked if he wanted to take one of Daddy’s. He did not.
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My son told me another kid at school made fun of his outie belly button. The way I see it, I have two options:
1. Write a feel-good picture book about how we should accept and respect each other’s belly buttons and try and get it published.
2. Fight this kid’s dad.
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Just received an email. 'Read your book. 1/10.' Nice of them to let me know, but why bother putting the date on it?
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Petition to rename the UK, 'Aaaaargh! It's the United Kingdom!' so dropdown menus are easier.
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To explain the Super League thing to people in children's books, it's like a select few names getting all the money and attention, making it impossible for anyone else to break through. Imagine that.
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Best question on this school visit so far: ‘Are your books real? Because I’ve never heard of you.’
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My mum’s just sent me a photo of my son holding a David Walliams box set. Trolled by my own family.
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I’m just a children’s author, standing in front of a literary agent, who is standing in front of an editor, who is standing in front of an illustrator, who is standing in front of a designer. In this moment, none of us are bothered about books. All we care about is our conga line
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Facebook has reminded me it's been two years since drunktweeting got me in the dictionary.
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Ten years today since the local paper did me very dirty indeed.
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Just had an email with ‘hurrah’ on it. I have brought this on myself.
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Always weirds me out when I see Rebecca Ferguson mentioned and it’s not that shy scouse singer that was on X Factor about 15 years ago.
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I think big time authors should take lesser-known ones on tour as support acts. Ya know, get em warmed up.
“OK guys, I got one more reading for you then I’ve gotta go. Thanks to Jacqueline Wilson for having me. Peace.”
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The Easter Benny is here with a
#giveaway
! To be in with a chance of winning ALL THREE Lenny Lemmon books by me and James Lancett, simply follow and RT.
Ideal for ages 6+ and packed full of genius illustrations, they’re *marvellous* fun!
Winner will be chosen on 7/4.
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THE COUNCIL: You must register your child's birth within 42 days.
ME: Great. Can I book an appointment to do so within the next 42 days?
THE COUNCIL: Ahahahahaha! God, no.
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Here’s an *AUTHOR TIP* about how to get booked at top lit fests x
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Here’s another top author tip. This one about signing your books in shops.
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Any book can have a sprayed edge. All you need is some paint and the ability to outrun Waterstones staff.
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There it is, lads. My life’s work. The full Davis catalogue. A holy litany of awkward boy protagonists.
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My six year old has written his first book and has insisted I share it on my social media platforms. Just a heads-up, even though he is a child, this should not be considered a children’s book. You have been warned.
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Having been reminded of the greatest printing malfunction in history, I decided to step into the studio to pay tribute.
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It’s been exactly one year since she arrived and stole King Chuck’s coronation thunder. Happy birthday Dee Dee! X
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I’m really going to miss that dog. But I need several hundred drinks.
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I had AstraZeneca and my wife had Pfizer. I look forward to facing off against her in the upcoming Mutant Wars.
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@ukhomeoffice
Yeah, but what you're not telling us is that PPE actually stands for PRITI PATEL'S EYEBROWS!!!!! ADMIT IT!!!!!!!!
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For my daughter’s birthday, my wife bought balloons that spell out her name. This is the view from the hall when you first enter the house.
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My dad really is a forklift driver, btw. Never learned to drive a car, though. Unbelievable scenes.
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As we speak, Susie Dent is cooking up a tweet like,
Spongwongulong: to use a hammer in a weird fashion.
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It is nice to have people with some actual expertise and life experience in cabinet positions. Especially after fourteen years of THIS IS RUPERT BELLINGTON ENDERBY AND HE’S THE NEW HOUSING MINISTER DUE TO HIS OTHER JOB AS A SLUM LANDLORD.
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Good luck tying my baby to a time bomb. It takes me half an hour just to put a vest on him.
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Recently had a message from a reader saying they’d picked up one of my books in a charity shop and that as someone with ADHD, it was the first time they’d read a book in years. I was deeply honoured. They then told me I’d signed it to my uncle and aunty.
I'm a fairly prolific author who's sold a lot of books, but am not a well-known face. I often see my books in charity shops. I sign them to give whoever buys them a bit more value.
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Again guys, I’m an actual postman, so if you’re after a pithy quote about being a working class person in the arts, hit me up. Here’s one you can have for free: ‘My back is absolutely buggered, mate.’
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Guys, I’m opening an unofficial Crystal Maze experience at my house. Basically, I charge people to come in and do chores for me while I stand outside and say stuff like ‘twenty seconds remaining’ and play the harmonica.
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Hey guyssss. While you’re here, my main job is writing children’s books. My most recent one won awards and everything. Plus, it’s about kids having to step in and help vulnerable people who have been abandoned by the state, so kind of relevant? Maybe?
#slickbookpromo
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I don’t often check my Amazon reviews and rankings cos that way madness lies, but I just saw this one for the Soup Movement, and J-Dawg, whoever you are, know that I love you too.
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We've got to come up with Halloween costume ideas soon, but I don't think we'll ever beat this.
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One of the advantages of my day job is I get to intercept my own stuff. Usually, it’s nothing to shout about but today I got my grubby, calloused hands on LENNY LEMMON ADVANCE COPIES! Thanks
@NosyCrow
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Hmm. That’s exactly what a place with a Dracula grave would say
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Heading down to the picket line in my finest Christmas jumper
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Actually spluttered with shock when I saw Lenny Lemmon in my local Asda just now.
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Just heard the words no parent wants to hear on a Sunday morning:
“Daddy, where is my recorder?”
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Anyone else have a photo of themselves as a kid with a grim premonition of their future hanging over them?
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Got this as a birthday present today and absolutely delighted with it. I’m 36.
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Read that Glinner piece and all it did was give me another reason to dislike him.
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Me being a worrier, I’m stressing that people might see this as a dig. It’s really not. Everyone I’ve worked with in kids’ publishing has been so lovely (‘specially when I basically went mad when my first book came out). It’s just hurrah makes me laugh, like.
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(He actually works in a warehouse driving forklifts and that, but the idea of him owning HC is hilarious. There would be a lot of books about Elvis Costello and Birmingham City FC.)
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Had a Reform leaflet through the door. The way they’ve written 4000 makes me feel like I’m in a supermarket in Tenerife.
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Help me, doctor. I can’t go more than three seconds without mentioning a Motown band. Four, tops.
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Sometimes as an author you get messages from people saying you’ve changed their life. You might have inspired them to help the less fortunate, or turned a lifelong book-hater into an ardent reader. Other times you get stuff like this
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In a Q&A yesterday, a lad asked me if I made bread. I replied, ‘No, I just buy it.’
Turned out he was using the slang term bread which means ‘lots of money.’
To which the answer is also no.
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