An important message for writers: A year ago today, I was riddled with angst and self-doubt, not knowing if I'll ever write again. A year later, I'm still the same but I've put on weight.
ME: I’m looking for funding for my prison-based creative writing workshops.
ARTS COUNCIL: OK. What is the name of this project?
ME: Prose and cons.
ARTS COUNCIL: Get out.
I suspect these ‘they’re the ignored working class’ takes aren’t coming from working class people. I live in a working class area, do a working class job and come from a working class family. How many people do I know that go around smashing mosques? Zero.
EVERYONE: So there’s this crisis going on
TORIES: WHAT IS A WOMAN?
EVERYONE: Seriously?
TORIES: WHAT HAPPENED TO SHILLINGS?
EVERYONE: Lads . . .
TORIES: THEY SHOULD BRING BACK THOSE THINGS IN PUBS WHERE EVERY TIME YOU BUY A PACK OF NUTS, YOU SEE A BIT MORE OF LINDA LUSARDI
I don’t have an opinion on Brooklyn Beckham’s wedding. However, the fact that celebrities I remember being born are now old enough to get married does not sit well with me.
I did actually write to him once, back when they were flirting with overturning the hunting ban. Obviously, he was all for it. Who’d have predicted a load of posh boys chasing and cornering an unwilling innocent would be his cup of tea, eh?
AUTHORS! What was your best intro at a school visit? Mine was when the deputy head came into the hall and said, ‘WE KNOW ONE OF YOU STARTED THE FIRE BY THE PRIMARY SCHOOL. COME FORWARD AND MAKE IT EASIER ON YOURSELF. Anyway, please welcome our guest author, Ben Davis.’
Just used my Society of Authors card to scrape the frozen windscreen of my Royal Mail van. If anyone’s writing a thinkpiece about author earnings, you can have that for free.
SUNDAY MOTIVATION: If you are a debut author and feel like a failure because your book wasn’t a super smash bestseller that netted you loads of money, remember that you could always be 11 books in and still a postman
When we picked the boy up from school, we told him he had a surprise waiting for him in the garden. He got home to find his nan and granddad there. He promptly burst into tears because he wanted toys.
Look lads, I’ve another one of these aliens on the way next year. Please consider treating yourself or a loved one to a Davis book to keep it in bibs and whatnot thanksverymuch xx
My son told me another kid at school made fun of his outie belly button. The way I see it, I have two options:
1. Write a feel-good picture book about how we should accept and respect each other’s belly buttons and try and get it published.
2. Fight this kid’s dad.
To explain the Super League thing to people in children's books, it's like a select few names getting all the money and attention, making it impossible for anyone else to break through. Imagine that.
I’m just a children’s author, standing in front of a literary agent, who is standing in front of an editor, who is standing in front of an illustrator, who is standing in front of a designer. In this moment, none of us are bothered about books. All we care about is our conga line
I think big time authors should take lesser-known ones on tour as support acts. Ya know, get em warmed up.
“OK guys, I got one more reading for you then I’ve gotta go. Thanks to Jacqueline Wilson for having me. Peace.”
The Easter Benny is here with a
#giveaway
! To be in with a chance of winning ALL THREE Lenny Lemmon books by me and James Lancett, simply follow and RT.
Ideal for ages 6+ and packed full of genius illustrations, they’re *marvellous* fun!
Winner will be chosen on 7/4.
THE COUNCIL: You must register your child's birth within 42 days.
ME: Great. Can I book an appointment to do so within the next 42 days?
THE COUNCIL: Ahahahahaha! God, no.
My six year old has written his first book and has insisted I share it on my social media platforms. Just a heads-up, even though he is a child, this should not be considered a children’s book. You have been warned.
It is nice to have people with some actual expertise and life experience in cabinet positions. Especially after fourteen years of THIS IS RUPERT BELLINGTON ENDERBY AND HE’S THE NEW HOUSING MINISTER DUE TO HIS OTHER JOB AS A SLUM LANDLORD.
Recently had a message from a reader saying they’d picked up one of my books in a charity shop and that as someone with ADHD, it was the first time they’d read a book in years. I was deeply honoured. They then told me I’d signed it to my uncle and aunty.
I'm a fairly prolific author who's sold a lot of books, but am not a well-known face. I often see my books in charity shops. I sign them to give whoever buys them a bit more value.
Again guys, I’m an actual postman, so if you’re after a pithy quote about being a working class person in the arts, hit me up. Here’s one you can have for free: ‘My back is absolutely buggered, mate.’
Guys, I’m opening an unofficial Crystal Maze experience at my house. Basically, I charge people to come in and do chores for me while I stand outside and say stuff like ‘twenty seconds remaining’ and play the harmonica.
Hey guyssss. While you’re here, my main job is writing children’s books. My most recent one won awards and everything. Plus, it’s about kids having to step in and help vulnerable people who have been abandoned by the state, so kind of relevant? Maybe?
#slickbookpromo
I don’t often check my Amazon reviews and rankings cos that way madness lies, but I just saw this one for the Soup Movement, and J-Dawg, whoever you are, know that I love you too.
One of the advantages of my day job is I get to intercept my own stuff. Usually, it’s nothing to shout about but today I got my grubby, calloused hands on LENNY LEMMON ADVANCE COPIES! Thanks
@NosyCrow
Me being a worrier, I’m stressing that people might see this as a dig. It’s really not. Everyone I’ve worked with in kids’ publishing has been so lovely (‘specially when I basically went mad when my first book came out). It’s just hurrah makes me laugh, like.
(He actually works in a warehouse driving forklifts and that, but the idea of him owning HC is hilarious. There would be a lot of books about Elvis Costello and Birmingham City FC.)
Sometimes as an author you get messages from people saying you’ve changed their life. You might have inspired them to help the less fortunate, or turned a lifelong book-hater into an ardent reader. Other times you get stuff like this
In a Q&A yesterday, a lad asked me if I made bread. I replied, ‘No, I just buy it.’
Turned out he was using the slang term bread which means ‘lots of money.’
To which the answer is also no.