Bad Dad Jokes
@baddadjokes
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Pinned Tweet
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.
#dadjokes
#JokeOfTheDay
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Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
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What days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are week days.
#jokeoftheday
#dadjokes
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I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
#dadjokes
#jokeoftheday
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You can't run through a camp site.
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
#dadjoke
#dadjokealert
#jokeoftheday
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My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults”...
Good man, terrible geologist.
#BadJokeFriday
#dadjokes
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
#dadjokes
#jokeoftheday
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Found out I was colour blind the other day... That one came right out the purple.
#dadjokes
#badjoke
#jokeoftheday
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King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?
Squire: 384 my liege
K: Ok, round them up
S: 400 my liege
#jokeoftheday
#dadjokes
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My wife’s leaving me because she thinks I’m obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?
#DadJoke
#jokeoftheday
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I've forgotten all my boomerang jokes, but I'm sure they'll come back to me.
#dadjokes
#jokeoftheday
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A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I told him that's the last thing I need.
#dadjoke
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[Interview]
"What are your strengths?"
Me: I fall in love easily.
"Okay... what are your weaknesses?"
Me:Those blue eyes of yours.
#dadjokes
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Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day. Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.
#jokeoftheday
#dadjokes
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I've been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years. I keep telling people I'm trying to quit cold turkey but nobody is taking me seriously.
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I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
#dadjokes
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Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose.
You might think it's funny, but it's snot.
#dadjokes
#DadJokes2015
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My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
#dadjokes
#JokeoftheDay
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
#dadjokes
#jokeoftheday
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Whenever I want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.
#dadjokes
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I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.
#dadjokes
#jokeoftheday
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What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant
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Date: So what do you do?
Me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist.
Date: Oh wow.
Fox: and a ventriloquist.
#dadjokes
#jokeoftheday
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[Job interview]
"Can you explain this gap in your résumé?"
Me: "I fell asleep on the space key."
#dadjokes
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You heard the rumor going around about butter?
Nevermind, I shouldn't spread it.
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If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
#dadjokes
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I hate it when people ask me what I will be doing in 5 years time.
Come on, I don't have 2020 vision.
#5yearplan
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
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My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.
I told her “I think you mean fewer”
#DadJoke
#jokeoftheday
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?
Because the P is silent
#lolasaurusrex
#DadJokes
#dadjoke
#joke
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There are 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
#joke
#jokeoftheday
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Thank you for explaining the word ‘many’ to me.
It means a lot.
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I eventually had to take his bike off him.
#dadjokes
#jokeoftheday
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
Its ok, he woke up.
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My friend keeps telling me I'm in the closet.
I just say it's Narnia business.
@WillFerreI
#dadjokes
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My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can’t say the word ‘please’
Which I think is poor for four.
#jokeoftheday
#joke
#dadjokes
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
#dadjokes
#jokeoftheday
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?
Carlos.
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What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction.
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Went to KFC the other day, didn't know Kentucky had a football club.
#dadjokes
#jokeoftheday
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Kids party.
"This bouncy castle's twice the price of last year"
No
"That's..."
Please no
"That's inflation for you!"
http://t.co/nWugdsRJiy
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Past, present, and future walked into a bar.... It was tense.
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