Patrick
@audiohymn
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“my bad” “you’re good” is my favorite english language exchange
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“are you this old” i used one of these 3 days ago
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Why do people act like edibles make them black out
Took an edible last night and found these in my Camera Roll
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I'm at work until 9 and my girlfriend just called me up asking how to put a bit in my drill so she can drill a hole. A deep, ice cold panic just flushed through my entire body
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my girlfriend’s stomach hurts. she just requested one wheat thin and one grape for dinner
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when customers get mad at me and i tell them “im going to go talk to my supervisors” this is who im referring to
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As a kid, I used to see tags like these & think they were the coolest shit ever. It used to blow my mind that people w/ this level of talent were kind enough to show off their abilities in public spaces. Now that I'm an adult, It feels good knowing that kid me was 100% right
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My backpack candy fucking melted all over my backpack batteries
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She hung up and called me back: there are now three holes in the wall, none of which are suitable for her project. She's trying her best and I love her deeply
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The only drill bits I have are Screw Extractor bits. They need to be secured by turning the chuck clockwise, but run counterclockwise in order to drill a hole. Quite possibly the most counterintuitive thing to try to explain to a beautiful woman over the phone
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I'm hearing a lot of "ouch" and "how do people do this" which is making my stomach feel like a bottomless pit
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A lot of you are saying I've never heard of Greening Out. Maybe I'm getting old, but I don't remember "greening out" being synonymous with amnesia. That was always more of a nausea, physical sickness thing. I think you guys are smoking research chemicals
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She just announced over the phone that she "screwed them in the wrong areas" so she'll be "trying again." She's been mostly silent for the last minute, sometimes punctuating the silence with "ok" and "yeah"
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@baxguy7
She's drilling holes to hang things in drywall but is telling me she's not using the drywall screws. I'm terrified
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I haven't been calling it at all. I didn't know it had a phone
if americans call the image on the left a chicken sandwich then wtf do they call the image on the right
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"do you work here?" Nahhh I just like to stand behind the register by myself
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I love her so much. I think we're going to have a Power Tools Seminar this weekend
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@realaccountyeah
SHE LOVES THE CRUNCH I SAT WITH HER AND LISTENED AS SHE SHOWED ME HOW LOUD SHE COULD CRUNCH IT
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@CJMoon18097942
@shannynsharyse
u have 10 words in the tweet and u spelled the most important one wrong
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Last thing: I didn't want to have to touch on the semantics of this, but Blacking Out and Passing Out are very different. A lot of you are saying you've passed out, which is understandable. I'm referring to being unconscious but still operating, like blacking out from alcohol
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@evilangel579
you’re fine means you fucked something up but they’re being passive aggressive
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While I wait for updates, I wanted to share one of the songs I've written about how much I love her
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was trying to buy super mario all stars at the target near campus right after this blew up and somebody passing the aisle was like “are you that twitter person” and i just sorta showed them the super mario all stars box and nodded
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@realaccountyeah
@baxguy7
Forgot to mention this: she refuses to tell me what she's trying to hang/mount and where she's doing it. I don't know if this is a wall project or a ceiling project. There is a very thick veil of secrecy laid over this whole situation
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just left my building
the best part of living in new jersey is probably seeing all the lions and tigers roaming around that are native to the state
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Having a tweet go viral is like hosting a Socratic Seminar with one hundred thousand morons
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@saintdiavolo
i was just thinking about how hard he pulled this off today like that transition could not have been made now
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@_Joe_PM
posted this on campus one night, woke up to a few hundred thousand likes and have since met a ton of local friends through twitter
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a legal system built on white supremacy will do anything to protect itself and i think they’ve made that exceedingly obvious here
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All humans are brothers Coward
Me being scared to walk past the crackhead infront of 7/11
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@imtiredgnn
idk i feel like it depends on the enthusiasm. like if it was a lighthearted thing then it’s “you good”, but if the you genuinely fucked up and the other person is being nice then it’s “you’re good”
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I think guilt and shame are essential parts of a healthy life. This has absolutely nothing to do with my having been raised Irish Catholic
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@AaronDJ4real
I haven't seen any of that 5 year $104,000,000 contract money so no I don't think so
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@femaleuncle
I work in an indoor mall that can only be reached by car and it absolutely baffles me. It's not like you went out for a stroll and you're juststopping by on the way home, you had to pack the creature into the car with you. Go to a park or something
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the girlfriend and i are watching saltburn. it’s set in 2006 and they’re playing an arcade fire song that came out in 2007. unforgivable error in my book, it’s like the first song they play in the whole film
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@riesisrice
i washed them before i touched the food, im not a monster. i’m very pale so my hands are just that color
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@blkkid_ytcity
@tylerduran21
Absolutely 0 chance they're in it for the love of the game. Their pinned tweet is a Family Guy clip
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Teens who meet up with their friends 'almost every day' is down from 50% in the 90s to 25% today.
Falls off a cliff around 2010, alongside the rise of smartphones and social media.
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Factory resetting a Google Home feels a lot like killing a sentient creature with your mind. You turn it's microphone off, and gently place your fingers on the top of its little head, holding still even after it announces to you that if you continue what you're doing, it will die
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@imadaus_
I just don't understand why people act like the Weed Demon took over and did something funny while they were unconscious. Makes the joke lose its humor
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I've had her blocked for so long that this felt like a digital flashbang
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