Sloane Crosley
@askanyone
Followers
97,146
Following
261
Media
488
Statuses
7,912
Author of I Was Told There'd Be Cake, How Did You Get This Number, Look Alive Out There, The Clasp, Cult Classic and Grief Is for People.
New York, NY
Joined March 2009
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Israel
• 5383105 Tweets
Iran
• 3331517 Tweets
Vance
• 1896840 Tweets
Vance
• 1896840 Tweets
The VP
• 307802 Tweets
Moderators
• 247074 Tweets
Minnesota
• 114027 Tweets
Pence
• 109899 Tweets
Margaret
• 100618 Tweets
Tampon Tim
• 89128 Tweets
#WWENXT
• 79690 Tweets
Tiananmen Square
• 58251 Tweets
からくりサーカス
• 51014 Tweets
ケンタッキー
• 42352 Tweets
Knucklehead
• 39733 Tweets
#原神KFCコラボ
• 32735 Tweets
Megyn
• 31692 Tweets
महात्मा गांधी
• 31545 Tweets
#GandhiJayanti
• 29560 Tweets
Amber Thurman
• 28620 Tweets
गांधी जयंती
• 26644 Tweets
लाल बहादुर शास्त्री
• 25735 Tweets
Obamacare
• 23331 Tweets
Timmy
• 21538 Tweets
Aces
• 21197 Tweets
ブリーダーズカップ
• 20130 Tweets
Shapiro
• 16878 Tweets
#マックのコーヒー記念カキコ
• 15816 Tweets
ニンテンドーミュージアム
• 15027 Tweets
Gago
• 14876 Tweets
ネットオーダー
• 13922 Tweets
Homely Shelter
• 12743 Tweets
宮崎空港
• 11872 Tweets
原神コラボ
• 10492 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
There is honestly no point in doing anything but this guy's job.
632
40K
65K
A masochistic editing tip I like to give young writers is to imagine your work being read by the smartest person you know who does not like you.
108
600
8K
Is it possible that Pete Davidson is simply one of the twenty male active listeners in New York?
28
232
6K
I am whatever kind of tired it takes to read this and think "omg what did she DO? Loved her on Cheers."
108
905
5K
This is a true story and I think about it every day of my life: I once had an hour, before a reading, to get through The Andy Warhol Museum. I wanted to be efficient so I marched up to a security guard and asked “where are the cans?” and he was like left/hallway/stairs/left...
12
100
4K
...so I'm walking there, thinking: That Warhol! So prolific, they keep the cans down this maze! Which is when I smacked into the “restrooms” sign and I swear I have never laughed so hard, while alone, in my life. WHY WOULD I ASK YOU LIKE THAT? ALSO YOU WORK IN THE WARHOL MUSUEM
13
25
3K
MY CAT IS 21 YEARS OLD TODAY! BOW DOWN AND KISS HER SNOW-CAPPED PAWS, YOU WHISKERLESS SACKS! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MABEL, MY SILKY LOVE. YOU LAP HOG, YOU PURR PIGEON, YOU BASTARD OUT OF CAROLINA. TONIGHT WE BURY YOUR FAKE ID IN THE LITTER BOX AND GET WINE-DRUNK LIKE EGYPTIAN GODS!!
49
99
3K
"A document named "fuuuuck” already exists." -- My Computer
12
160
2K
The mark of a New Yorker is being free two months from now or in, like, one hour.
13
183
2K
My Judy Garland story: My mother lost the lead in a high school musical to Liza Minnelli but mom was a real team player & went to the performance & clapped her ass off & then turned to the woman next to her after & said “Wasn’t Liza wonderful?” & the woman replied “She was fine.”
17
83
1K
Ha. I lost 3,000 followers for tweeting a picture of The White House with all the lights out. If you guys love electricity so much, you should marry it.
17
23
1K
In 1971, 17-year-old Juliane Koepcke was sucked out of an airplane after it was struck by lightning. She fell two miles to the ground strapped to her seat and survived. She spent the next 11 days alone in the Amazon jungle before being rescued by a logging team. You’re fine.
20
172
1K
OMFG. The new season of
@BoJackHorseman
asks the one question I myself have never been able to answer.
28
72
1K
My niece turns 9 today. I asked her to tell me a joke. Instead she’s been working on her standup: “what’s up with birthday balloons? It’s like here’s a bag full of my breath.” Our whole generation is done.
9
53
1K
(yesterday was my birthday, but this is my gift to you all, happy belated birthday)
13
2
1K
Everyone, stop what you're doing, I have news: After 7 years, Neighbor Jared & I have made contact. I was on my fire escape, he on the stairs/prow of his brownstone/yacht. He said "Hi." I said the same. We asked how the other was holding up. He seems nice. An emotional afternoon!
33
10
1K
OMG you guys. Editing. Not writing. Write somewhere you feel warm, edit somewhere you feel cold. Have a good weekend! x
5
24
1K
“I'd like the pie heated and I don't want the ice cream on top I want it on the side and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it if not then no ice cream just whipped cream but only if it's real if it's out of a can then nothing.” — The CDC
11
120
1K
If you can’t sleep on a Sunday night, you should get an extra one.
5
47
870
Whenever you feel like the equilibrium of the world will never be regained, remember that this scarf looks a little more normal-sized with each passing year.
6
60
868
"Bro" is short for brochure and is a term of endearment for your friend who has a lot of information.
8
376
844
Can feel that exterior opening shot of the GameStop SNL sketch coming for me like a jewish space laser.
6
47
778
"I know, but I'm also your only friend." Things said out loud after administering medication to a cat.
1
45
777
The most interesting piece of film criticism I ever heard was from this girl in college who got so high, she watched the 2nd DVD of Magnolia 1st. The next day, she explained the plot to us, including the “brave” choice to roll the credits midway through. This ceremony needs her.
9
47
719
I just asked a guard at The Warhol Museum where the cans were and he directed me to the bathroom and now I’m dead from joy.
12
60
680
The mark of a New Yorker is being free two months from now or in, like, an hour.
3
50
645
When I am on trial for murder, I am going to produce a list of people who can testify that they have not been murdered by me. Or that I have not murdered them. Whichever comes first in my calendar.
10
112
572
The mark of a New Yorker is being free two months from now or in, like, an hour.
4
69
565
Quinoa is really good for when you want to eat a pointillist painting but don’t have one.
9
67
554
To get the upper hand over email, write things like "4PM my time" even when you're both in the same time zone.
2
63
546
America, I’m going to the bodega. What can I get you? Egg and cheese, large coffee, something with electrolytes?
22
18
506
Why buy a medium container of raspberries when you could just buy a small container of mold?
9
29
499
She lives in New York and divides her time between her kitchen and her bedroom.
1
34
459
Only in America could a man whose staff took away his Twitter account be given the nuclear codes. --
@VanityFair
12
188
440
It’s 1AM. *You* try sleeping after your ex texts you, telling you he ran into your ex whilst HIKING (gross, never would’ve worked) and in the process these beloved bozos GAVE EACH OTHER COVID.
15
4
448
Published a book with “cake” in the title, got lots of cake. Just sold a novel with “cult” in the title, now lousy with NXIVM links. I’m fucking this up. Next book: “I Was Told There’d Be Rent Control” and the follow up, “How Did You Get This Free Parking For Life?”
7
7
444
World’s Saddest Robbery: A man tried to break into my bldg at 3am by ringing my buzzer, claiming he was a “messenger.” At 3am. I pressed him on it and he kept saying “messenger.” Finally, I was like “you’re terrible at this” and he said “I know” and went away.
4
31
415
My therapist is adamant that I see an all-Yiddish production of Fiddler on The Roof and if you have a more New York sentence, come at me.
14
11
406
This is a cinematic sentiment for a very real issue but: Man, did they fuck with the wrong kids.
6
70
401
There should be a word for the acute global sadness of a Parisian tragedy.
4
49
387
@DuncanBirm
Then you can just sit back at the end of every 10k-word day, look at your dog and say, "Welp, we did it again!"
2
2
383
Don't take it personally, there's something a little fuckin' off about everyone this month.
3
24
365
Can’t sleep, took a walk around the block and passed a naked woman on the same stroll. Naked. Seemingly sane. Thought maybe she was a ghost but then I realized she is my hero. Not fully naked...mask. Night night, NY. I ❤️ U.
4
10
362
Low battery life is BLINDING. You could screenshot a text exchange between you and Beyoncé and if you’re at 7% that’s the only thing anyone will comment on.
2
19
356
American women have never been so desperate for a guy not to text.
1
39
347
Whoever is making rorschach tests these days should mix it up so they don't all look like my father.
7
32
326
Taking a well-earned break from a morning spent opening a Word document.
4
24
319
I am proud to share this news from
@fsgbooks
&
@mcdbooks
. Grief Is for People is a five-part book about many kinds of loss but mostly it’s about my best friend, who died by suicide in 2019. He never got an obituary. Russell: I have tried to fix this one thing. Try not to laugh.
Novelist and essayist Sloane Crosley (
@askanyone
) will release her first full-length nonfiction book, GRIEF IS FOR PEOPLE, in June 2023 with
@mcdbooks
. The book will tell the interwoven story of a burglary, the death of a close friend, and the onset of COVID in NYC.
1
1
39
9
12
310
This one is full of beans! Here’s to the enchanting
@Ana_d_Armas
who let me teach her the term “tall poppy syndrome.” Long may she grow.
Presenting March cover star Ana de Armas, reinvented Bond girl and your new Marilyn Monroe. Read our cover story:
104
2K
11K
5
22
294
I fucking love this town. Just heard no less than 3 neighbors from 2 separate buildings scream “what the fuck?!” at the snow.
5
6
295
Saw my parents for the first time in a year. Came out of my apartment and hugged my mom and a stranger across the street applauded and then another one’s dog got excited and tried to get in on the hug. What a weird fairytale of New York this week is.
2
4
291
An old man just SCREAMED at me from across the street and shook his cane right at me. He said “LADY! YOUNG LADY!!...Those are beautiful shoes.” Like
@billyeichner
come collect your dad. ❤️
5
5
288
Writing this was better than setting my apartment on fire. Though there’s still time for both. Essay in this week’s issue of
@NewYorker
:
14
28
280
I loved doing this story, particularly loved getting an unusual conversation in print. Thank you to Greta Gerwig,
@clairehoworth
and
@radhikajones
for asking me to do this. Special thanks to Gem, a forgotten American hero whose earlobes blink on to this day.
Greta Gerwig has had one of the most quantifiably successful years of any artist on the planet, creating a paradigm shift that brought people back to theaters just as pop icons brought them back to stadiums.
For VF’s December/January issue, Sloane Crosley (
@askanyone
) talks to
30
115
649
6
28
279
A short film of otherwise competent people putting on duvet covers.
10
26
274
She lives in New York and divides her time between her kitchen and her living room.
1
16
274
Just informed a fancy man in socks that he absolutely could not sit down next to me on this train until he put his loafers back on. He said “this is a public train.” I said “that’s my line.” And now I’m sharing this story and, honestly, I feel great.
14
12
275
Mandates aside, what is this wild desperation to see other people’s faces on an airplane? I have never been excited to see a single person on an airplane. Except Alicia Silverstone, who I once saw pre-chewing her kid’s food. That I’d like to see again.
6
9
267
I interviewed Bill Hader back in the pleistocene and they cut out his A+ advice about being edited so sharing now: "When people tell you something's not working, they're usually right. And when they tell you how to fix it, they're usually wrong." Mantra.
3
21
269
Ah, if only I could approach every unpleasant experience as I approach tea: Walk away, completely forget about its existence, come back when it’s cooled, pour the whole thing down the drain.
2
22
270
Welp. This sure is a photo of a dog posing in front of his own portrait.
3
12
263
If LA is the hottest people from your high school, New York is the people who thought they were misunderstood but were, in fact, understood perfectly.
1
13
259
This is hard on cat people who also love dogs and like to greet all the dogs.
5
32
255
RIP to the legendary Dr. Ruth — a formidable woman who once gave me an adorable kicker.
5
40
258
Alright. You guys have one night with these jokes and then you really gotta zip it up.
6
11
248
Well that was extremely loud and incredibly fucking close. And now, alcohol.
9
13
235
I found my new years resolution and it's to watch this once a day until 2020.
Fact: Wild otters clean, scrub & exfoliate their skin daily...It feels good & gives them a healthy glow. 😂
825
33K
85K
4
35
248
This is deeply unflattering photo of everyone involved but I care not! Whoo hoo!
8
0
248
Hot take: Donald Trump is not doing a very good job of uniting the country.
2
34
238
The person who transcribed this interview I did thought I said "MacGruber" when I said "Zapruder," which is a strong case both for and against having someone else do your transcription.
11
15
245
Me doing this interview: Do you miss the hats or are you happier without the hats?
1
11
249
Dear e-shopping carts: Not sure I like your tone. I did not "forget something" so much as I remembered I write for a living.
2
14
244
Next time your boyfriend forgets your birthday, remember that a guy in solitary confinement sent Amanda Knox flowers.
3
40
234
The only diaries I am interested in seeing right now are women’s food diaries since Wednesday.
17
14
245
Just wrote "major lotion picture" by accident and laughed for five consecutive minutes
10
3
241
My feminism works like this: I would rather claw my eyes out than go to a party that’s raison d'etre is “women supporting other women” but I would be stoked if all of the ER doctors dealing with my gouged-out sockets were women.
3
14
235
OMFG!!!! With my name spelled incorrectly and everything!! 🥰 Classic. My phone blew up like it was an emergency. This is a thrill
@Jeopardy
!! Though: GTFO with “pie,” there’s no room for 4th of July propaganda in this house! 🍰
8
3
236
Just welled up thinking about Kate McKinnon's job security.
1
62
227
One thing you can do today that you also did yesterday and will do tomorrow is buy books by female authors.
1
85
224
A stranger accidentally texted me to say she was just finishing up a conference call and would be 5 minutes late to the meeting. I replied “all good” because breathe women, breathe.
4
9
233