Oh my god, parrot is an anagram of raptor.

Maria Bamford is on the new season of Everything's Gonna Be Okay. You'll be distressed if you miss it.

@taramartinIC Yeah, because they’ll murder my enemies! My enemies are mostly gnats.

Would you like to follow my @Aprille_Author account for information on my upcoming book? I would really love it if you did.

@gschwick I like how I get to say "BOOM" so many times whenever I listen to her.

Why do I have no problem remembering useless facts like my childhood phone number but cannot remember crucial things like that guy who either won or got second place in American Idol a long time ago? Obvs. gay? Clay or Trey or Shay?

@RevChrisStangl Second-best facial expression in that movie.

@nckroy It's so strange that anyone who has not been through such a personal and emotional experience would feel qualified to harshly judge others about it. Trolls gonna troll. I've got your back, friend.

I can never remember if it's cla-foutis or ca-floutis, and it sounds ridiculous both ways.

My son thinks Pfizer is spelled Feizer, and I don't know how to pronounce Chauvin. We consume media differently.

@LittleVillage Oh, god, Candyland's the worst.

Oh man. Now if the PEN15 women would star in a Goonies sequel with Martha Plimpton, my adulthood and childhood media mind-merge would be complete.

@IwriteOK I’m really sorry.

I heard @louisvirtel ask "What's your favorite song?" on Keep It, and I couldn't decide between Ella Fitzgerald's version of Girl from Ipanema or Celia Cruz's v. of Guantanamera. So pretty much women of color singing about other women of color in the tropics.

No, I will not share my watermelon. It is a personal watermelon.

@IC_ActivityLog Rogue dick or firearm? Lol it’s Iowa who knows?

I shaved my legs for the first time in a year because I have a Very Important Appointment tomorrow and I did a terrible job.

The best part about this dress is how it would disguise an inconvenient boner.

Some days you know why your arm smells like soy sauce. Some days you don’t.