Alex Murdoch
@alexgmurd
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20,028
Following
855
Media
223
Statuses
3,663
wait… is it just me or am I getting major Alex Murdoch vibes from this page? stand up comic btw
Brooklyn, NY
Joined June 2015
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Pinned Tweet
why is my body keeping the score??? i thought we were just playing for the love of the game
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i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
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notes app apology coming soon. just know that in the meantime, i’m listening, learning, and committed to doing better❤️
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if casual hook up no in love with me.... why forehead kiss??????
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i’m at airport security and the guy in front of me just discovered his ticket says JFK and bless his heart cause we’re at laguardia
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you know what carrie? i CAN’T shoot whiskey and i DO prefer a fruity little drink. sue me!!!!!!!!!
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people who say “billie eyelash” have the same energy as dads in 2009 saying “justin beaver” trying to make their daughter’s friends laugh on the way to soccer practice
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deleting my dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (blacked out at a bar)
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“this guy SUCKS and he treats me like SHIT!!! but i still hook up with him hehe” is our generation’s version of wine mom humor
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i think my biggest issue with dating apps is that by nature they eliminate a friends to lovers plot line
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thinking about how some people’s perception of me is based off who i was in high school plus my current twitter presence........................... i’m so sorry y’all
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crazy how moving to a new city didn’t solve all of my problems????? ?????
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it’s like 1am and this drink is tasting like it’s time to respond to everyone’s instagram story as if they’re my close, personal friend
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“not all men”?? you’re absolutely right, trader joe would NEVER
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wait she should have a baby and then do mama mia with these guys
In just the past few months, Emily Ratajkowski has been linked to Brad Pitt, Pete Davidson, Eric André, and Harry Styles.
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the british really did something with “PISS OFF” like yeah. piss off!!!!!
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dating someone who’s 27 will have me like “wow they’re SOOOOO much older than me, like SO much older oh no is our age gap inappropriate?????” and then i remember that i just turned 25
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i’m at the airport and there’s at least three people my age who are hotter than me. i’m devastated. literally shaking
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we are the daughters of the shawtys you couldn’t fire burn on the dance floor
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last night i forgot to close out my tab at a bar, and they said over an intercom “alex murdoch, please come close your tab” and then everyone started BOOING ME. i felt like the main character of a disney channel original movie walking through a cafeteria of BULLIES
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i don’t read the bible because it doesn’t pass the bechdel test
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“diet coke is bad for you” oh nooooooo this whole time i was drinking it because i thought it was a superfood on par with kale
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maybe if i dress up as the stock market he’ll finally start investing in me
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taylor swift: sometimes i feel like everybody is a sexy baby
jacob from twilight: aha oh word????
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motion sickness by phoebe bridgers is mr. brightsight for mentally ill people
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calling the walgreens near me “my bodega” just to piss people off
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short kings only this summer. don’t bother hitting my line unless you’re under 6’
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@chunkyfila
“let people enjoy things” but what if i enjoy diminishing other people’s experiences based on age? hmm?
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if i ever get married i’m just gonna post the invite on my close friends story
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we are the daughters of the shawties you couldn't fireburn on the dancefloor
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taylor swift was really like “i’m not good at telling jokes but here’s one: YOU’RE A PREDATOR haha lol”
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i’m really like “ewwwww cow’s milk is GROSSSSS!!! oat milk ONLY!” and then eat a bagel with an entire block of cream cheese
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hey there delilah, what’s it like in new york city? i’m a thousand miles away but girl tonight you look so pretty
hey delilah
hey
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hey
listen here you fucking ugly bitch you think you’re too good to respond to me? i just asked a simple question you fucking whore, fuck u
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were you actually a “gifted child” or were you born into a wealthy family with access to lots of resources?
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i mean, i was josh safdie’s muse when he wrote uncut gems
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i miss going to bars and meeting guys who went to ivy league schools and being like “yale? i’ve never heard of that, is it like a small liberal arts school?” and watching them implode
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the day after a party is all about overthinking every interaction you had whilst curled up in the fetal position
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we also need a dating app for enemies to lovers. i want to match with people i LOATHE ENTIRELY
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of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
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the sexual tension between me and quitting my job to work at a national park
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quarantine has given me a lot of time to pursue meaningful hobbies!
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if you’re going to confuse a taser with a gun you shouldn’t have either
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time for a midnight pickle! (that’s when i eat a pickle at midnight)
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i officially have more followers than the university i went to, so i’m gonna start telling people i had a 4.0 GPA. what are they gonna do?? ratio me?
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him, trying to hook up with me: yeah your twitter is SOOOOOOO FUNNY 🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 like seriously so funny 😂😂😂 hahahahahaha 🤣🤣🤣laughing my ass off fr 🤣😂😂😂😂
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when asap rocky said “she came, i came, now what’s my name?” he was asserting that casual sex should involve both parties reaching an orgasm and that a personal connection must be made by sharing personal info (i.e, names). in this essay i will-
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every day in nyc i walk past 3 of the hottest people i’ve ever seen in my life. everyone is so hot. everyone
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me drunkenly yelling at a man about how he’s “such a leo” while casually throwing back gin and tonics? it’s called a “meet cute” look it up
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to the girl who gets him next ✨✨❤️💕✨✨ i hope he went to therapy ✨✨✨💕✨✨❤️
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i love that hocus pocus is a children's movie that spends 1.5 hours dunking on a kid for being a virgin
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ya know what? i’d rather fuck the text man for texts than fuck the snapchat man for snaps
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i tweet exclusively for the people who order oat milk in their coffee but still get cheese in their breakfast sandwich
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@rishipuff
maybe i should start matching with people who look insufferable and see what happens
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i’m a woman, im jewish, im queer, a coastal elitist, raised by a liberal in the washington post for fuck’s sake, and im still conservative. bc no matter what i only care about giving the sloppiest top this earth has ever seen
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my lowest low was definitely checking a guy’s venmo to see what he’s up to
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If it’s Clorox, it has to be good.
Si es Clorox, tiene que ser bueno.
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going on a date when it’s raining is humiliating. my hair is done, my makeup is popping, and my titties are out. now i shall complete the look with a massive rain jacket zipped up to my chin. embarrassing!
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but also!!! if you’ve always wanted to move somewhere DO IT!!!!!! do it do it do it do it!!!!!
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ok hot take, but i am not a fan of the omicron variant. i know this is probably an unpopular opinion, but i guess i’m just not like other girls
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why are you as a man sitting in the booth seat and making me sit in the regular chair?
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yall don't need to know what i looked like at 17. that's between me and my high school acquaintances
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the sexual tension between me and literally every tall guy with brown hair
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i’m fully vaccinated and fully ready to make out with the entirety of new york city
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what the fuck is a “spontaneous adventure”?? deciding to go on a last minute hike? shut up, nathan, i’m swiping left
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honestly why do websites want to make sure i’m not a robot? why can’t robots order a little bikini for the summer?
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