Brendan Mahan, M.Ed., ADHD & Neurodivergent Coach
@adhdessentials
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Educator, Coach, Husband, Dad, Host of ADHD Essentials Podcast. I provide #ADHD Consulting, #Neurodiverse Staff Trainings, and #Parent Coaching Groups. He/Him
Massachusetts, USA
Joined November 2014
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It seems like I should re-introduce myself, given recent events and my follower increase. Here you go:
I am Brendan Mahan M.Ed., M.S. Host of the ADHD Essentials Podcast. ADHD coach, consultant and speaker.
Credentials:
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🧵
A LOT of supposed ADHD traits aren’t actually ADHD traits. They’re really just traits that develop as a consequence of having the disorder. Some of these traits are coping mechanisms, others are trauma responses. Here’s a few examples:
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Note: No one is lazy. Lazy doesn’t exist. What you’re seeing is learned helplessness brought about by a consistent lack of skills, support, and/or resources. Provide people with the skills/support/resources they need, and the “lazy” can be worked through.
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Example 2: "ADHDers are lazy.” It’s a trauma response. If you’re asked all your life to do things just beyond your ability, and not given the right support, you’ll start to think your efforts aren’t enough, that you can’t do things well. It’s easy to give up on trying.
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Taking sensory breaks isn't just for kids. Adult need them, too. Especially when we're struggling to activate. Below are a few sensory breaks that my clients enjoy:
(I'll link any products I mention at the bottom.)
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Example 1: "ADHD people are the life of the party!" This is a coping mechanism. A lot of ADHDers learn to embrace their impulsivity and hyperactivity to distract people from their struggles.
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Example 4: "ADHDers have a heightened sense of justice." Trauma response. When you’ve gotten the short end of the stick most of your life, and had to struggle while others seemingly coasted, you tend to have a keener eye for injustice. (Or you become jaded and uncaring.)
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Closely related is the charismatic ADHDer. A lot of us, needed the benefit of the doubt to get past our mistakes in school and life. Getting those breaks required figuring out how to talk to people with power over us. It’s a skill that transfers to all areas of our lives.
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Example 3: "People with ADHD are inherently good problem solvers." There’s two things happening here. The first is a coping mechanism. We tend to cause a lot of problems, so we get practiced at solving those problems and that helps us develop the skill.
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The second is that the ADHD brain does tend to be better at divergent thinking (as opposed to convergent) - that is an ADHD trait. And it aids in brainstorming new ideas around problems. But convergent thinking is needed to whittle those ideas down and apply them.
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ADHD Hack:
Plan first get materials second. Especially at the grocery store.
Should you eat more carrots?
Probably.
Are they going to rot in the bag if you don’t have a plan for HOW to eat more carrots?
Probably.
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ADHD folks often get REALLY ENGAGED by making complicated plans. But then the plan is too complicated to execute.
If you fall into this trap, include a step toward the end where you simplify the plan.
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Do not discount the role life situation plays in ADHD management. A lot of ADHD strategies work great in a vacuum (take control of your schedule!), less so if your life is affected by other people - like a spouse, boss, child, or roommate.
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Now that you’ve got this lens, are there any other “ADHD traits” that you think fit into it?
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I often hear people (generally men) try to validate the unreasonably high standards they hold their ADHD kids to, usually mixed with a lack of any sort of positive support or understanding, by saying “I don’t believe that everyone should get a trophy”.
A thread.
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ADHD REFRAME OF THE DAY:
When you go back into the house to get something you “forgot”, you didn’t forget. You remembered.
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ADHD folks will default to the thing that is emotionally resonant before the thing that is cognitively resonant.
This, is the secret to the the urgent vs. important challenge. If we can make the important stuff emotionally resonant, it will be easier to engage with.
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I can't be the only ADHDer who leaves the cabinets open, right?
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🧵
Let's talk about transitions, disruptions, and how they affect those of us with ADHD.
As I've alluded to, I'm getting hammered by sandwich generation struggles. It's probably hitting me hardest in the area of transitions.
This will be a deep-dive using me as the example.
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After talking to my wife, I’ve come to the conclusion that I wish all of for my marginalized/neurodiverse friends and peeps who struggle with imposter syndrome to have the confidence of a mediocre allistic straight cis white man.
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Let's talk about neurodivergent masking.
Like a lot of things on here, it's being discussed with little to no nuance. And that's problematic (especially for the neurodiverse) because the nuance is where the truth lies.
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ADHD is going through some old boxes and finding an empty folder labeled “important”.
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ADHD folks tend to do better with preferred tasks. But preferred in what way?
Is it Fun? Important? Intrinsically motivating? Engaging? Interesting? Exciting? In line with our values?
Considering this might help us expand our pool of preferred tasks, and accomplish more.
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I think I just realized that the reason I'm bad at asking for help is because somewhere along the line I got the impression that it's my responsibility to manage other people's emotions/distress, and if I'm in a bad enough way to need help I'm having some BIG emotions.
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Medication works.
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Consistent vs. Reliable
A consistent car starts when you first turn the key.
A reliable car may fail on the first turn of the key, but you can be sure it will start on the second or third.
ADHDers may struggle with consistency. But that doesn't mean we can't be reliable.
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Alright
#ADHD
Team,
That Philippa chick? She’s selling a book. She said what she said on purpose because she knows it��ll get her clicks. Let’s not contribute to them.
Shes not sorry. She’s not teachable. She’s a waste of our time.
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🧵
#ADHD
, Anticipation, & Time
The time horizon is the period of time we can realistically conceive and work within.
While a typical adult can plan 8 to 12 weeks into the future, an ADHDer is likely to struggle looking beyond a week or two, and for some, a day or two.
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3. Walking in the woods. More so that walking in the street, my clients have reported that the closeness of plants on narrow paths, and the uneven terrain helps them mindful and "in the moment". (Some listen to music, some don't.)
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1. Using Loop Earplugs to reduce the amount of noise they're experiencing while they work. (More a reduction than a break, admittedly.)
2. Laying on the couch, under a blanket, with noise cancelling earbuds in. (Some of my clients also add in a pet to snuggle with.)
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I deeply dislike the claims that ADHDers struggle with object permanence. It’s infantilizing.
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"Finished" and "Done" are not the same thing in my book. And the distinction helps me and my clients better manage my ADHD when it comes to productivity.
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6. Listening to their favorite music (often from when they were in middle/high school). Especially music that counters the emotions they're dealing with. So, soothing music when they're anxious, or upbeat music when they can't activate.
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#ADHD
Hack:
Transitions are a function of time and intention. The clearer our intention, the less time we need for transition.
"Check my email" isn't very clear. It will take more time to transition to.
"Reply to 12 emails" is clear. It will take less time to transition to.
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When your kid fails to do what you asked, operate under the assumption that they wanted to do it right, but lacked the skill/ability. Either in that moment, or in more general terms.
Then, teach them. Help them do better.
(And don’t be a jerk about it!)
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4. Going to the gym and lifting weights. The deep pressure sensory input really helps to ground many who are neurodiverse.
5. Similarly, many of my clients enjoy intense cardio to help them get in their body, and tune into themselves.
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Clap for the single.
Then teach them what a double looks like and how to get there. When the double gets consistent, make that the new single. And create a new double that is between your standards and the new single.
It works. I've done it.
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#ADHD
Reading Hack:
If I really want dig into a book, I love listening to the audio version while reading the hardcopy. The audiobook helps me stay focused and on task, while the hardcopy helps me process the information more accurately. I did this with
@HowtoADHD
's book today.
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If your kid did what you asked, but failed to meet your lofty expectations? FUCKING CLAP!
Then coach them on how to do better next time.
Your guidance will mean more if it’s accompanied by praising/validating the effort they put in, even if it was a small one.
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When a player on your team is up and gets a single, you clap! You don’t refuse to encourage them just because it wasn’t a homerun.
When they strike out, you feel for them because you know they wanted to do well.
Do the same for your kid, Mr. Not-Everyone-Gets-A-Trophy.
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My buddy’s dad is in the hospital.
“How are you doing?” I asked him.
He proceeded to tell me how his dad was, which we had already spoken about.
“No, I said how are YOU doing,” I emphasized.
He told me a little and the pivoted.
I let him.
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#ADHD
Hack: Put your To Do List on a clipboard.
- makes it feel official/important
- it adds literal weight (sensory input)
- it getting in the way easier, forcing you to look at it
- makes it easier to write on it
- it's easier to put a pen/pencil with it
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We ADHDers need external prompts to help us activate. But sometimes we forget how much the timing matters. The further the prompt is from when we can engage in the task the more likely we are to fail to do it. Prompt timing is critical. Thankfully, we can always reset them.
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You ask them to clean their room. They do it. The room is cleaner. That’s a single.
Your standard? Triple.
Professional level cleaning? Homerun.
There are no more clothes on the floor, but the closet and bed are tragic looking? They got a single. CLAP!
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One of the best life hacks I’ve developed is that I just give myself and those around me permission to be neurodiverse. (ADHD for me.)
Having permission means we’re accepted for who we are. It means forgiveness isn’t needed unless someone has been hurt.
It’s good stuff.
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And remember, oh ADHD parents – ADHD is a developmental disorder. So, kids might not meet the same standards as other kids their age.
Meet them where they are. Then teach them to do better moving forward.
“But how do I do that?” you ask…
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7. Related to music, some of my clients enjoy listening to records because the time limit imposed by the need to flip them over after a few songs helps them attend and/or creates a natural stopping point for the sensory break.
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“Object permanence” is knowing that objects continue to exist when they cannot be directly observed or sensed.
If I forget that I have bread at home and buy more, it doesn’t mean I think that it ceases to exist when I can’t sense it. It just means my working memory sucks.
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Sometimes people send me nonsense anti-ADHD stuff / anti-med stuff. They typically stop contacting me after I reply with this:
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8. Fidget toys are, of course, a great sensory break.
@blkgirllostkeys
has some great ones in her store.
9. Hug Sleep is a full body sock that provides light compression and really aids in sensory breaks, especially for those who enjoy large-scale, deep physical sensations.
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Setting things to autopilot is a goal for many with ADHD. But we must take care with the kind of autopilot we use. It's easy to fall into a reactive one that leads us away from our goals by drawing us into the wants/needs to others. An intentional autopilot is far healthier.
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Sometimes we (especially men) need to be asked directly to realize it’s ok to open up.
And sometimes the asker has to let us be where we are with relation to doing so.
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Can I just say, as a guy born in 1977, that I'm super proud of and impressed by the work that Millennials and Get Z are doing to improve the mental health of the world? Good on you. I've got your back.
#GenerationalLove
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10. Movement is a great sensory break - dancing, push ups, practicing a martial art, or yoga can all be done at the spur of the moment for 10-15 minutes.
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I'm experimenting with avoiding my phone for the first 90 minutes of the morning to see how it affects me. So far, I find that it's easier to initiate tasks during the rest of the day. Has anyone else tried this?
#ADHD
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Hey Dads with ADHD!
What are your main challenges?
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It’s something that has bothered me for a while now, but I couldn’t quite articulate why it was such a poor, ungracious, ungenerous, low-skilled, invalid perspective. (Am I being too harsh?)
UNTIL NOW!
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One of the ways I’ve been rebuilding myself after deep burnout is by rebuilding my ability to do deep work. I’ve been doing this by reading high interest books (mostly on hip hop and comic books), and prepping a regular D&D game (also high interest).
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Don’t work with better help.
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Come on Neurodivergent Twitter, we can do it! Let’s be inclusive of each other! Let’s allow folks to have the diagnosis they have and accept them as they are!
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In the interest of normalizing the time blindness that comes with neurodiversity, I got a text from my sister commenting the 10th anniversary of my mom's passing. I had no idea - the date, the number of years - none of it. No shame. Doesn't mean I love or miss her any less.
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As the father of an OCD son, and a professional in the field of mental health, I can’t recommend Turtles All the Way Down highly enough.
This article, written by a psychology researcher, captures everything we hoped to do with the mental health parts of Turtles All the Way Down.
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Here’s the deal – I’m down with high performance getting/earning rewards. I’m down with the encouraging of high performance.
Only one team should win the World Series. Only one person gets to be the MVP. BUT…
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@KCDavisSays
I totally agree. “My ADHD lets me come up with so many ideas!” Cool. Does your whiteness, and the money that comes with it, let you execute on them or do you just think of stuff all day without the resources to move forward?
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Object permanence is part of executive function, but they’re not the same thing.
One is a misunderstanding of how the world works. The other is faulty memory.
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@ZJAyres
Yuppers! Welcome to the club!
We're pretty cool. But in a geeky way.
Y'know what I mean?
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It’s
#ADHDAwarenessMonth
! Which feels a little passive aggressive, considering that we’re not always as aware as we need to be. 🙃
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That ADHD feeling of panic because you haven't gotten as much done by Wednesday as usual so you must be behind, without factoring in that Monday was a holiday and you didn't work.
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Self-forgiveness is not saying that what happened was right. It’s moving past it and accepting it. We can’t change the past, but we can learn from it.
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But if my emotions are THAT BIG because of the problem I'm facing, and I ask someone for help, then they might have some BIG EMOTIONS too. And if I think it's my job to manage their emotions, then I shouldn't ask them for help so they can avoid that distress.
🤯
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This is all subconscious, of course.
And also dumb. Because by not letting them help me, I'm also not letting them love me. And if they're someone I trust enough to consider asking for help, they probably want to do just that.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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By now, I really need multiple days in a row to complete executive function heavy/deep work tasks.
The first day is taken up by emotional transitions - putting down my anxiety at not already doing the thing, and putting down any resentment/frustration I may have about why.
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I’m comfortable being countered on this, and changing my mind. But I’m gonna need people to bring advanced degrees in psychology and/or well vetted sources.
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Side note: Even neurotypicals mask. They just do it for different reasons. I'm not just thinking queer masking but that's there, too of course. Conforming to the expectations of those in power is part of living in society. The healthier the society, the less masking is needed.
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@hannahexclamat
Also, sit up front, and participate as much as possible. Being obviously aggressive about your learning will help increase your feelings of accountability and that will increase focus.
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My thesis is this: Be thoughtful in how/when you unmask rather than emotional. Consider the power dynamics at play when you decide to unmask. Unmasking privately is often easier & safer than unmasking publicly and professionally.
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Let's define terms - In a nutshell, masking is changing your natural behaviors/personality traits in order to meet social/societal expectations and/or pressures. So unmasking would be revealing those natural behaviors or personality traits despite the expectations/pressures.
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@HowtoADHD
Not understanding how time works - being bad at dates, misestimating how long things will take to do, and not realizing how much time has passed.
- Brendan Mahan 44
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Neurodivergent masking can be pretty damaging. Especially when we’ve subsumed our true self in deference to societal norms to such a degree that we don’t even realize we’re doing it.
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Parents often tell me that it's a struggle to get their kids to take their ADHD meds because they hate swallowing pills. Often, it's because the kid doesn't know how. So, here's a primer on how to swallow a pill.
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One of the best strategies I have for "ADHD Waiting Brain" is going for a short walk. It may take 15 minutes, but it lets me use the other 45 minutes of that hour to get things done.
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I’m playing with the frame of burnout being reached when you can no longer power yourself through anxiety because you’ve been so anxious for so long, and being driven by that anxiety gif do long, that it no longer has any motivating power over you.
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I recently hit the
#ADHD
exhaustion level where had to keep moving or I was just going to crash. Had to push through on frustration and spite. It sucked. I don’t recommend it.
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Unmasking is an important process of healing for many of us. It helps us to rediscover who we really are, and come to terms with our neurodiversity and how it has impacted various aspects of our lives.
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"Finished" means that I have completely wrapped something up and I never have to think about it again.
"Done" means that I have completed addressing whatever short-term steps exist as it relates to the task at hand.
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CONTEXT:
The Adderall shortage has led to a Concerta shortage.
IRONY ALERT:
I fly out to the ADHD Conference on a Wednesday. And it’s time to renew my Concerta. But now it’s a hunt instead of an easy prescription fill.
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I hear you screaming, "Write the plan down!"
I've done that. At this point things have bee disrupted so much that a written plan only serves to breed shame in me.
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But Day 4 is invariably taken away from me by some other responsibility. And that brings me back to square one emotionally. I'm frustrated and annoyed that I can't get a rhythm going, so the emotional transitions are undone.
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Play is a great way to manage stress, reduce anxiety, connective with others, and provide space for our ADHD. Unfortunately, a lot of adults avoid it because they're afraid of being seen as unserious or immature, by their less playful peers.
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There is almost certainly complex trauma related to ADHD, failure and my own personal Walls of Awful™ as well.
This emotional transition day is new and a pronounced change since 2020, and the ways the pandemic derailed my life.
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See, unmasking can be just as damaging as masking. This isn’t an all-or-nothing game. But it is a game. And games have rules that only the best players with the most power can break. Masking is often one of those rules.
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@Philippa_Perry
Why don’t we ever talk about the social contagion that led to an overall lack of diagnosis? Remember when it was fashionable to think of ADHD folks as being less than? You might want to get with the times and stop doing that.
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I don't know if this thread is useful to anyone, but it certainly helped me give myself permission for the struggles I've been having of late.
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This dude does not know what he’s talking about. There is such a thing as “acquired ADHD”, but smartphones don’t do it. Brain damage does.
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Because unfortunately, conforming to the expectations of society is part of how we walk the road to success. That means being on time, fitting in socially, and doing what’s asked of us.
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However, at some point neurodivergent unmasking becomes just as damaging as neurodivergent masking. That’s what I’m here to talk about. Because I don’t see anyone else doing it.
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Masking and unmasking are just tools in a good neurodiverse toolbox. The skill of knowing when and how to use them - so they help us rather than harm us - takes time to learn and develop, but it’s worth doing.
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