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@acidicjews
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Following
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Once I asked a French guy at a music festival in Paris for hit of his joint and he said "No. I am, uh, selfish.".
Every single European stereotype is true bc why did I jokingly say Now you have to buy me a beer after giving a cig to a German guy and he went They are not equivalent in price.
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Ftr he was not a complete stranger i was hanging w his friends. After he said this i was like ok! Respect. But then his friends took the joint and gave me a hit. I think it was their collective joint. It was very kind.
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HOLY SHIT. i can’t believe i never realized this. Feebee.Rachel.Ross.I’ll Be There for You (the Rembrandts).Every other character.Nonica.Djennifer Aniston.Seinfeld.
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i am always jealous of girls with unattractive boyfriends because it means he must be funny.
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*getting kicked out of bookclub*. me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are.
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@joshieonfilm Taylor swift is like if marnie became successful and i will say it every time.
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everyone’s so preoccupied with their little lives and stupid dramas that they barely take the time to even notice that i’m on the roof throwing mandarin oranges at them.
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if i was president i would remove the infantry branch of the army. babies may be expendable but they’re really not that good at fighting.
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him: i’m leaving you. me: is it because i love to poop outside. him: yes but also because you only talk in iambic pentameter. me: my butt enjoys the breeze the air provides.
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when someone says sksksks it’s because they are trying to say skeleton but they are too scared.
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@alex_orlov_ I think that subtext has its place in dialogue but the argument that everything should be subtextual is ridiculous and unrealistic to me!! Sometimes people actually speak directly.
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women’s products: hey babe!🦋✨ have some rose petal infused exfoliating body polish serum enriched with butterfly nectar oil for elevation of the heart chakra. men’s products: man sauce smells like blue.
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i hate having daddy issues. i deserve more fascinating issues like a strange pull to the ancient mesopotamian talisman that no one can remember putting in the attic.
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the inventor of the jacuzzi: i wish i could just hang out in hot water for a while.
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[italian restaurant]. you, an idiot: stop that, we’re not animals. me, very polite: *takes another handful of fettucini* they don’t let animals into restaurants, brenda. they don’t have money.
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@samantharzepko @_subiii_ I was fighting for my life trying to connect words relating to a garden picnic.
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@generalslug One time my Hungarian grandpa (who is not a doctor of any kind) performed a root canal on my grandma. I went to Hungary this spring for the first time and I was horrified to learn they're (we're?) all like this.
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college is about paying one million dollars to make seven gay friends.
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friend: cool tree you discovered. what did you name it. joshua: well-.
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everyone. yes, everyone. has a story. that girl stealing dental floss from the pharmacy? her little brother is dying from gingivitis. that boy who can’t sing? his vocal chords were attacked at an early age by an evil dog. that man who whistles really loud? he is a gemini.
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frat boy: hey do u smoke. me: yeah sometimes. frat boy: *rips off frat boy mask to reveal he’s a cop* you’re under arrest. me: oh my god. cop: *rips off second mask to reveal he was a frat boy all along* . for being too damn chill.
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having best friends is just like having children except you have to help them have sex.
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ok, a lot of you may not agree with this post, but i believe it needs to be said. you don’t have to like my beliefs. all i ask if you respect them. this could get controversial, and i’m okay with that. well, here we go. a beard is just bangs for your chin.
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36.5% of murders are committed by a significant other. so no, aunt gail, no i do not have a “boyfriend”.
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i hate this pandemic, if i wanted to waste my late teens i would’ve stayed in a relationship with my high school boyfriend.
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me (into a mic): —and what’s the deal with airplane food? like could this stuff taste ANY worse?!. flight attendant: *pulls mic away* ma’am please, just pick seltzer or water, that’s all i’m asking.
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a true wingman must be so committed to helping his buddy have sex that he will have sex with his buddy. don’t @ me boys.
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[commitment issues]. him: i love you. me: i luv u 2 <3. him: aw babe—wait what was that. me: just that i lov yew. him: it kind of sounds like you’re saying—. me: lahv yuh. him:. me: ay lurve yoo. him: ok that that’s just straight up not it.
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every dystopian book is just like: what if the government was. bad?.
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just in case you were missing college, a guy vaped while having sex with my friend the other day.
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i don’t have a friend group but i am leading on 2-4 guys. should i make a group chat?.
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i was considering taking up running but i decided driving would be more efficient. i do like 10 miles a day.
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if ur the plain white tees, ur single to me. tf delilah gonna do she’s in new york city.
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[new girl writer’s room]. exec: *snorting a line of coke* ok ok gimme a c plot anyone anyone. writer: winston is trying to pretend he’s not attracted to doorknobs. exec: *just fucking shoving cocaine into his nostrils* FFfFfuCk yESs.
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growing up is about realizing that the people who bullied you in middle school were correct, and justified.
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Deleting my dating apps because i want to meet someone the old-fashioned way (getting off a train together in Vienna, falling in love as we explore the city and then meeting 9 years later in Paris at a reading of the book they wrote about our magical night together).
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naming my son richard so that every picture with him in it is a dick pic.
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i absolutely do need everyone to like me do you think i do this shit for fun.
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oh yeah? you like burger king more than wendys? do you have any idea how sexist you sound.
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friend: hey i need you to make me look good in front of my crush. [later]. me (loudly): wow, karen! so glad to hear you have lost 10 pounds. and, wait, what? you’re saving. HUNDREDS of dollars on your car insurance with geico?!.
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i’m so excited for summer. ice cream on hot days. tanning until i’m burnt. not having homework. taking a shit in the ocean. glasses of cool lemonade.
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SATAN: okay kid. if you really want to get to 1k you know what you have to do. ME: fuck. okay. fine. you win. *typing in twitter* peepee poopoo fart noise i love to see penis.
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saying hello.-boring.-overplayed.-who are you, alexander graham bell?.-politically neutral (bad). saying hey yo what’s milly-rockin’.-urban.-a vibe.-comes with its own dance move.-politically left wing.
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me: babe, i just can’t get through to you. mime bf: *slowly opens the imaginary door between us*.
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this could be my midlife crisis. none of us know how long i’m going to survive.
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my advice to all the short kings out there is tell everyone you’re still growing.
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it’s 11:26pm on independence day, america is 8 shots into a bottle of red white and blue svedka, about to text britain “hey”.
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ok wow. guys this is really hard for me. i’ve been on funny twitter for 8 months and it’s become a huge part of my life. but lately, ive had some thinking to do. i hope you guys will understand. i guess i’ll just come out and say it. my new brand is being dummy thicc.
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simply blown away by this woman who commented on my sister’s instagram post
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thank goodness for the invention of the watch; if not, how would we gesture to mean time, in say, a game of charades?.
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when you poop and throw up at the same time, your body takes a screenshot.
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me: i’m scared of merging two pieces of metals together with fire. therapist: well, d—. me: *screaming*.
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fellas, if your girl is. -elegant.-curvy.-smooth.-slim neck.-bottom heavy.-holding a lot of water and some flowers. she could be a vase or your girl. it is unclear because the adjectives used can describe both entities.
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terrible news. a girl that i think is cool is dating a guy that i think is lame.
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[chant finishes]. me: so when do you guys meet. cult leader: ɛ۷ɛཞყ ɱơŋɖąყ ῳɛɖŋɛʂɖąყ ąŋɖ ʄཞıɖąყ ŋıɠɧɬ. me: ok sounds good. cult leader: ῳɛƖƈơɱɛ. me: shit i just remembered gia hosts zumba on wednesdays now. cult leader: ɬɧąɬ’ʂ ąƖƖ ཞıɠɧɬ Ɩɛɬ ųʂ ƙŋơῳ ıʄ ąŋყɬɧıŋɠ ƈɧąŋɠɛʂ.
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i wish i could go back in time and talk to myself in eighth grade. i was so lost. if i could i’d say, hey. i’m you. and y’know what? things may be rough right now but one day you’re going to be like, one of those sad hot girls.
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playing the sims. -educational.-free porn basically.-funny sounds.-you can make sims of you & ur ex.-make his sim a sad goat farmer.-ur sim has a nice big backyard.-he begs ur sim to be together again.-you get engaged stephen please come back i promise no more goats.-goat wedding.
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[learning to tweet]. why (checks notes on hand) have. sex when you can (squints) eat pasta.
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I tell ppl im a writer and they’re like “that’s so cool!” No its not. Writer is like the least cool thing u can do. Writing is for creepy little freaks.
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objects* in the mirror** are closer*** than they appear****. * men.** on tinder.*** two inches shorter.**** claim to be.
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[starbucks]. me (whispering loudly): i’d like to see the secret menu.
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police officer: put your hands in the air. me: (doesn’t have hands) i don’t have hands.
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what a beautiful world this is. there are 7 billion incredibly unique people, wandering this rich planet, exploring the deserts and the jungles and the cities and the farms, just looking for some fuk.
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i’m a wild card. i don’t give a shit. i’ll say anything. you don’t even AHHHHH! bet you didn’t expect that. wild card, out.
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me, super normal except i get turned on by cows: what do you wanna do tonight?. friend: we could watch a mo—. me (sweating): huh what.
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so my friends have been telling me about this guy from our high school who buys foot pics and honestly i just think it’s great that he’s sourcing locally. he could just google “foot” but he chooses to support the community.
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like joe biden, i too often tweet while im in the middle of a conversation.
Donald Trump is the worst president we've ever had.
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last year i was the theatre cousin. this year i am the stoner cousin. by next year i hope to be gay.
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