m@thew
@TweetPotato314
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Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
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went on our first date 11 years ago today and the magic’s still there 💞
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the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
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neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
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why don’t little kids ever tear their acl they run dumb as fuck
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i saw this documentary seven years ago and i think about this line every day
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my wife was doing a webcast for her pre-k class but YouTube shut it down for copyright infringement because I was watching WrestleMania VI in the background
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was the person who invented the ladder trying to go up or down
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me: how many are in a dozen
baker: 13
me: why
baker: cause fuck 12
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this must be what being a moth is like
Heart diffraction glasses, making lights appear as hearts
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dad: *taking off belt* I’ll give you something to cry about
me: oh yeah
dad: *holds up belt* it took 3 baby cows to make this
me: *sniffling* moo moos
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loves wants to
raymond rule the
world
🤝
🤝 everybody 🤝
🤝
is kung fu dance
fighting now
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[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what's with the fork lol
Satan: it's a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i'm so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
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what if ghosts can’t see us either and they’re scared as shit cause who the fuck is making pizza bagels at 2 a.m
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murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
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boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
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wife: why r u putting garlic in ur pants
me: so dracula won’t try to eat my ass
wife: why would dracula try to eat ur ass
me: he won’t. the garlic- r u even listening
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[agustus gloop falls into the chocolate river]
me: *under my breath* this is going to ruin the tour
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therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
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just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident they put me in the icu
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joe biden moving into the white house and looking for the half a sandwich he left in the break room four years ago
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[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we've both moved on
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[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
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How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?
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me: *breathlessly* I need a copy of to kill a mockingbird right fucking now
librarian: what’s the big hurr-
[a giant winged shadow darkens the doorway]
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me: what are you doing
daughter: playing tea party
me: that’s nice
daughter: *throws teapot in pool* I fucking hate taxes
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goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
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i didn’t want to dissect a fetal pig so they called me a
░P░U░S░S░Y░ ░I░N░ ░B░I░O░
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
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mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
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U know that feeling of anxiety as you’re about to walk past the security sensors on your way out of a store and u think omg did I shove a tv up my ass i can't remember
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a tandem bicycle with seats facing each way and you just go in the direction of whoever’s strongest
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[first day as police sketch artist]
Her: he was about 6’ 7”
Me: ok we’ll I’m going to need more paper
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imagine swimming for almost a mile and having to rap the entire time remarkable
PURE. DOMINANCE.
Katie Ledecky is the first Olympic champion in the women's 1500m freestyle!
#TokyoOlympics
#OlympicHERstory
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please sign my petition for the Oklahoma City Thunder to rename themselves the OK boomers
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Doctor: hi my name is Juan and I’ll be delivering your baby today
Me: O.B. Juan you’re our only hope lol
Wife: leave the father’s name off the birth certificate
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going thru pornhub and 👎ing any vid where I don’t see wedding rings
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marine biologist: what should we call it
boss: sperm whale
marine biologist: um something else
boss: jizz dolphin
marine biologist: sperm whale’s good
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librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
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eminem: netflix and chill?
her: ok, but no movies where sandra bullock plays an astronaut
eminem: ope there goes gravity
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*walking my wife down the aisle toward her father during the divorce proceedings*
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mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
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a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
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me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
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Genie: usually people don’t make the same wish three time-
J Jonah Jameson: *pounding desk* more Spider-Man pictures
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therapist: i believe in you
me: why
therapist: you’ve shown real progress
me: r-really
therapist: oh shoot this is the wrong file
me: oh
therapist: how’s your fear of *pulls paper closer* being forgotten
me: worse
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bruce wayne: i am going to help the citizens of gotham
alfred: that’s wonderful sir which public assistance programs will you help fund
bruce wayne: alfred, dress me like a bat
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me: *cums inside her*
her: you idiot, I’m possibly pregnant now
me: hi possibly pregnant, I’m...
in unison: OH NO
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me: I wonder what we’d be capable of without all these high tech distractions
some guy in like 1066: try and knock me off a horse with this here pole
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date: what do u do
me: i race horses
date: have u been successful
me: no they are much faster
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her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll be elmo and you’ll be-
Her: elmo?
Me: oh fuck yes two elmos
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me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means ;)
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
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Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
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[before the invention of electricity]
judge: I sentence you to death by the acoustic chair
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Mr Rogers: won’t you be my neighbor
Me: I’d love to
[3 am]
Mr Rogers: *reving dirt bike*
Me: mister rogers you son of a bitch
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my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
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[naming the white house]
President: any ideas?
Guy who named the Orange: are u sitting down for this
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Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
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[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
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I’m making spaghetti for dinner in the background and she just yells “are you watching copyrighted material in there”
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therapist: you need to set goals
me: I wanna find the Loch Ness monster
therapist: no, something realistic
me: I want someone to love me for who I am
therapist: *hands me a snorkel*
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wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
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Andre: I call my invention the humidifier
DeAndre: oh you’re gonna hate this
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I chose Matthew McConaughey as my GPS’ celebrity voice and now I can't turn left
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the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
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i threw a boomerang once but it didn’t come back i live in constant fear
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got fired after my first day as a crossing guard even tho i didn’t let one of those kids get by me
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Wife: what do you want for Christmas
Me: I want to ride a horse to the middle of the desert and take peyote and scream at god
Wife: I mean from like target
Me: ooooh an air fryer
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me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
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me: never have i ever been lied to by my wife so badly that i watched her give birth to another guy’s kid in a barn
joseph: i will take this drink because i respect the rules of the game but i do not care for it
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
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genie: first wish
me: I wish horses couldn’t talk
genie: umm, ok they can’t
me: this is too much power
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me: are you familiar with the infinite universe theory
gf: yeah of course
me: so there must be one where I run over your dad with a go-kart
gf: I guess so
me: so *pulling out flowers from behind my back* you can see how this isn’t my fault
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just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
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why’s it called “real estate” did fake estate used to be a problem. uh oh I bought a house in narnia again :((
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me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
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detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
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me: I’d like to speak to your manager
receptionist: what seems to be the problem
me: your employee in there gave me gonorrhea
dr: [from exam room] not gave DIAGNOSED
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dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
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