Abby Simpson
@abbythetweet
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29,198
Following
11,458
Media
9,361
Statuses
136,293
Published Author. she/her. Past contributions in Crier Media & more. The Dragon and the Butterfly OUT NOW with @lostboyspress
🇨🇦
Joined March 2017
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متعب الحربي
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نيوكاسل
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Happy New Month
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#光る君へ
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للهلال
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الوليد بن طلال
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BIGBANG
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#ブラックペアン
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#متعب_هلالي
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やす子さん
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India Will Become A Vishwaguru
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プロジェクトKV
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ブルアカ
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やす子ちゃん
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ライオンズ
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#kpssönlisans
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Piastri
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海ちゃん
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誰ソ彼ホテル
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ابو خالد
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Pinned Tweet
HEY! YOU LOVE BOOKS!! And it's
#selfpromosaturday
!
I wrote about a noble who is a leader, mother, lover, and imperfect human. Her husband may hold the sword, but she's the key to their legacy.
THE DRAGON AND THE BUTTERFLY is available now in ebook & paperback. You'll love it!🧵
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@stkirsch
Imagine pretending you have $100,000 cash-in-hand, and using that alleged money to try to embarrass a masked woman who also likely does not exist.
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Janine Beckie has been great for TSN this World Cup, but that side-eye to James Duthie, who overlooked everything
#CANWNT
has ever done to declare a single World Cup goal the greatest moment in Canada Soccer history, should replace QE2 on the $20 bill.
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@ninaturner
"The job was done but not to my personal and satisfaction so therefore he should be homeless or starve" takes are always such a tell.
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Victor Newman is a king among soap villains, but his performer, Eric Braeden, survived the greatest shipwreck in history while fleeing the Nazis with his family at age 9 (MV Wilhelm Gustloff), and he deals with racist soap junkies like this. 👑
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@SPisacreta
I don't think you or I can reasonably relate to the emotion tied up in the annual Oscar race, especially for an actor who's been grinding for 40 years.
With that in mind, I believe she handled her moment of heartbreak with more class than you're showing now, anyway.
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Lots of People: Prince William will save the British Monarchy!
Prince William: As a matter of fact, I have something privileged and idiotic to say instead.
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@randysharpswife
Here's a really fun thing you should try: don't buy bandaids you don't like. Since that takes no effort on your part, you can devote a little more of that misplaced hateful energy to not acting like the universe revolves around you and the things you think are N.B.D.
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@MediClit
How are women going to pay a price for not having a vulva created via surgery? What is being taken from us or denied to us? Why does the existence of someone else's post-op vulva put me at a disadvantage, when the shape of my vulva is of evidently greater concern to you than me?
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who scooped handfuls of their father into the ocean this weekend, and bawled like a baby who never learned how to speak.
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Remember when Dick Clark retired and we were all 'Ryan Seacrest can't fill his shoes!'
But then Anderson Cooper said 'Hold my beer, ' and we totally took a secret sip while we watched America's damn sweetheart become the real new Dick Clark?
I think about this just enough.
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Work from office day. I definitely took the struggle bus on my commute this morning.
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@DrakeGatsby
Only to, when it's all over, be like, 'Sorry your dead mother only actually took up like the last 15 minutes of this whole epic story about how I actually love your Aunt Robyn more than your mom though!'
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@kenklippenstein
In other words "8% of what I do is reflected in my salary. The other 92% is me getting paid for the work that you do, but here's a low-balled counter-offer because if I have to be even two per cent more productive I'll have to use all 8 weeks of my vacation at once to recover."
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A top Canadian female news anchor was fired because she let her hair go grey, and it's just weird because she was fired by a bunch of grey-haired men in grey suits and it's supposed to be 2022 not 1962. 🤷♀️
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Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by being forced to wed my mother's cousin to enhance my family's position in the village. Also he has a large goat to trade for me.)
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Pretty sure any legal challenge to the right to wave a F🍁CK TRUDEAU flag on Parliament Hill will be met with an opportunity to read rules for the use of Parliament Hill for perhaps the first time.
OF NOTE: Messages that are obscene, offensive, or promote hatred are banned.
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@bebookled
Here's a better standard: if it's not your skin, your husband, or your business, don't worry about it.
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Took time to myself yesterday. Worked on some edits. Got psyched up to go to a wedding today AND ZIPPED THE BACK OF MY DRESS BY MYSELF with great effort and physical struggle.
Let's do this thing.
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Conservatives learning about Rage Against the Machine is always such a ride.
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Writers will really pour their heart, soul and traumas into their work rather than just go to therapy.
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Today I learned that living legend James Earl Jones was not only young once, he was way hotter than your boyfriend. ca 1961.
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Gonna get dark for a hot minute. Trigger warning!
Last night, I dreamed I committed suicide, because I hated my job but couldn't escape the realities of adulting. Too afraid to take a leap and make a change.
Today, I was laid off.
Sometimes, dreams know what's up before we do.
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With Pier 1 closing brick and mortar stores across Canada and filing bankruptcy in the US, are we sure it's just Amazon they can't compete with, or the fact that Millennials and younger have been priced out of the market and can only afford hand-me-downs to furnish their rentals?
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My actual grandfather was such a vibe in the actual '40s.
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Jurassic Park was released 30 years ago today, and I've got a hot take! The hacker girl saved the whole park but never gets enough credit for it (I don't even remember her character's name!)
But she and the dilophosaurus were the only ones who could take Dennis Nedry down.
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CANWNT has:
- one Olympic gold, two Olympic bronze medals.
- not missed the World Cup since 1995.
- hosted the World Cup in 2015.
- The GOAT of women's football.
- succeeded despite Canada Soccer, year after year after year.
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We lost our Dad today.
We made a playlist for him with songs and set it on shuffle. He died after 3pm local time with his musical hero, Brian Wilson, playing in his ear.
Again, I love and thank all of you for reaching out. I'll catch up with more personal thanks when I can. 💔
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Just putting this here to make sure it's known that some Canadians are also dumb fucking morons.
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@melanielynskey
Read this as though it was delivered with all the energy of "Of course not, Mother, I'm only here for the food," while you smirk at her impending death sentence by King Francis.
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Pretty sure I'll regret this but fuck it, it's Friday.
The Face: The Body:
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If you won $50 in a writing contest and it wasn't a commission, would you still say you've made money writing?
Because if so, I just levelled up in the writing game. 🤘
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Imagine being on Twitter and not asking for a follow back, but being engaging and interesting and getting followed back because you don't creep them out demanding a follow-4-follow.
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Fictional romance is unrealistic.
Fictional horror is unrealistic.
Historical fiction is unrealistic. ...Wait.
If the opinion is that fictional novels are too fictional, they have a genre for that, too! It's called non-fiction.
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You call 'em Proud Boys. In Canada, we call 'em terrorists. Officially.
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It's impossible for everyone to like you. You're not Tom Hanks.
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Dorothy Hamill and Mark Hamill aren't related but they both broke through in the mid/late '70s.
With the same haircut.
I feel like this groundbreaking revelation is something Gen X'ers have been keeping to themselves for decades. Or I just don't read enough stuff.
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I JUST GOT ACCEPTED BY MYSELF AS MYSELF HOLY SHIT I HOPE THIS FEELING LASTS!!!!
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Music note, song lyrics, and a daisy?
Yeah, I'm dead.
If you had to go into a battle with only the items tattooed on you, would you survive?
I’ve got a sword, a crossbow, and a needle.
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I finished an entire carton of eggs before it expired even though I live alone. Praise me non-vegans!
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If everything on this app will now be used to train AI, full your posts with grammer and speeling mistakes.
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This is the most incredible one sentence synopsis I have ever read in my entire life.
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#ShamelessSelfPromoSaturday
I'm a published author, and if you didn't believe me here's your proof.
And how 'bout that opening line? 😂🤘
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@Mike_Pence
I, too, like to go on Fox News where I know they'll give me a softball interview, so I can boldly claim to care about kids when I'm really just gonna let them die to save guns. But as long as I've vilified women who want bodily autonomy, nothing else matters to my donors, either.
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Grief is such a personal thing. Never tell anyone they're doing it wrong.
Support. Respect. Give a damn. Or just keep scrolling.
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#DailyGratitude
Just submitted a short story. My stomach is in knots about it, but I got over myself and my hyper-critical nature and it's off. Without the
#writingcommunity
and the friends I've made here, I never would have gotten over myself enough do it. Thank you always!
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My landlord just sent an email to all tenants, asking all of us not to have loud sex at night because there have been complaints.
Meanwhile, they can't fix the pipes or call an exterminator about the mice.
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I'm not saying that cooking with raisins should be outlawed, but you shouldn't be allowed to attend dinner parties if you mash your potatoes with raisins and bring them to share with good, innocent people.
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The face of a man as it dawns on him he didn't get away with murder like he thought he would.
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One chapter left to draft.
I'm almost done a whole ass novel.
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My long eight year journey to a BA is almost done! Can you read it in my face, or is that the lunchtime celebration whiskey?
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@Tedpinson
@stkirsch
All imaginary girlfriends are Canadian! Also being Canadian, I never know how to feel about this. 😂😂😂
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Guys on dating apps who match with me: You're beautiful, etc, sexy panties?
Me: The sexiest thing about me is my brain. My brain panties are extremely bright, and they have pockets! That's where I stash my wit!
Them: *unmatch*
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@JeremyClarkson
It wasn't clumsy, it was calculated, and this is the most generic and insincere apology ever written by a publicist you screamed at over the nerve you've been made to say sorry.
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Don't ask a writer "What's the worse that could happen?" unless you're ready to get very, very dark.
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Men, please don't write like boys.
Imagine it: "Abby was silenced as a bulging penis walked past. No, not just a penis. THE penis. Perfect. Not precipitously exposed. Perfectly shaped, it marched past her, held in an embrace of denim, rejoicing to cling to his curve."
GTFO etc.
What is it with men seeing women as just a pair of breasts? I want a Q&A sesh with some of these guys jfc
#submission
(THE WAY OF SHADOWS, Brent Weeks)
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Selfie discourse again?
Some think it's shallow to like pictures of ourselves but actually it takes years of unlearning all the reasons we're substandard.
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Here's the pitch:
Just block Gary. Who cares if he thinks self-pub sucks? He's not your audience, and wouldn't support you.
Fin.
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I think all I can write today is my Dad's obituary. And it's still so surreal that I can't just call him up and run it by him.
No one. No one supported my writing as fervently and excitedly as he did. No one person could ever replace his enthusiasm for everything we ever did.
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Other writers are not my competition.
Imposter Syndrome and self-doubt is my competition.
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#DailyGratitude
Learned this morning that my short, The Wilkinsons, has been nominated for a 2020/21
@PushcartPrize
by
@vampcatmag
editors
@lornacodrai
@alexandthebard
! What?!?
So grateful, excited & curious whose good fortune I've stolen. I'm sorry!
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Outlander fans born after the eradication of smallpox who don't have the vaccine: how does it feel knowing you would definitely not have Claire's immunity if you, too, went through the stones?
I love this, for some reason. Writers and their details. 👌👌
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Oh sweet fuck the sports trolls are here. Buncha teenie weenies pissing all over themselves. 🤦♀️
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@PrezyPrez
@ElijahSchaffer
Everything I have laughed at in 2023 has not come even remotely close to how much I laughed at this vid. Thank you for your profound service to the discourse of this shit. 😂🔥
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I don't know who needs to hear this, but you're not evil if you dog-ear your books.
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Tucker Carlson releases a movie encouraging the liberation of Canada. The next week, Tucker Carlson loses his job.
I'm not saying you should blame Canada for this, but do it anyway. We accept.
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Welcome to Twitter, where everyone's an empath in a sea of narcissists, allegedly.
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I'm getting a little tired of seeing Pat King videos making the rounds, where he directly threatens the lives of Canadians, makes clear his involvement in the Ottawa Occupation, and has yet to even face questioning by the
@RCMP
over his terror links.
Enough is enough.
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If a woman tweets a thought, and there are no men in her replies offering unsolicited advice to questions she hasn't asked, did she even tweet at all?
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Imagine meeting your soulmate and then finding out their McDonald's order is the Filet-o-Fish.
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@technologypoet
@CBCAlerts
@CBC
Welcome to Canadian political discourse, Vanessa! Since you're here all the way from TX, kindly remember to remove your shoes when you come in and leave every last one of your guns at home. But otherwise, welcome, have some poutine and come in for a clue! We're happy to help you!
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@propermenshevik
Yes but you see she's a woman, and so all her accomplishments are either less valuable than her appearance or because of her appearance, and it would seem the madding crowd has chosen option A for this one. 😒
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According to Hallmark Christmas movies, the only way I'll find my soulmate is if I inherit a cozy fixer-upper of an inn from a wealthy aunt, in a small town with just one sexy, conveniently single-for-no-toxic-reason handyman.
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It's not raining!!!!
Also, wearing my uniform as a Canadian today
#plaid
, and testing what the algorithm does with an off-centre face on a gal with no boobs. It's research.
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Merry Christmas to you, yours, and happy weekend to everyone not celebrating.
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I wonder how selfie-haters feel about people who still wear masks on planes for their personal state of mind, while the person behind them hacks away like their lungs are hanging in by a thread?
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When Rob Schneider promised he'd never come to Canada due to our fascist dictatorship, I hoped he truly believed what he was saying so he'd stick to his alleged principles.
Meanwhile our free country let him in so Canadians at a fundraiser could boo him offstage. Beauty.
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What are you doing New Years Eve except avoiding COVID and reflecting on your bullshit?
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An ex-boyfriend's mom bought me a cookbook once, because I said her son was the better chef. I was complimenting him, she was gender-shaming me, and I wound up accidentally starting a grease fire in her kitchen trying to make him something from that cookbook.
- me, flirting.
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@piersmorgan
Even funnier is how your entire career apparently hinges on making money doing commentary on their every single move. Like if you could truly see yourself, you would also be laughing at yourself.
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Serious Question: 📢
Anyone else's Mom refuse to make time to read an 8-min. story you got published even though your reminders and guilt trips are on point?
What else can I do to make her care that I still find more joy in writing than anything? Always have. She's never cared.
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@tnhousegop
It's a sad day for Tennessee because you're more interested in protecting guns than the democratic right of Tennesseans to representation. It's a sad day for Tennessee because the NRA has more rights in Tennessee than voters.
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The rules of engagement on social media are simple:
Be interesting.
Some of us are not interesting. But we smell nice!
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The number one killer of women is heart disease, but 'fiancés who go into hiding before your body is found' is too damn common. Rest in peace, Gabby.
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@ItsSamG
@RealDeanCain
And the real Superman would've worn a mask without complaint, because his entire existence is devoted to keeping other people safe.
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The Carpenters: "Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?"
Me: *pulls handfuls of worms out of my pockets*
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The face of someone who had to put on pants this morning.
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Who remembers the first movie they saw in theatres? I vividly remember this rite of passage.
What was your first? Mine was the animated Beauty and the Beast.
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The US returning Ted Cruz to Canada would be considered a declaration of war.
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