cory
@_averagemeat
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6,489
Following
991
Media
1,007
Statuses
7,622
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Pinned Tweet
Can somebody come over and just beat the absolute fucking shit out of me
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Tequila Mockingbird
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Buckle Jeans & 1.9 GPA twitter getting cocky
Amazing what you can own when you don’t waste money on college 🥴
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Yo The Wiggles did not have to snap this fucking hard on this one
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National Anthem
- old as shit
- written by a racist
- way fuckin overplayed
Drake & Josh theme song
- singlehandedly raised me
- fucking slaps
- I never thought it’d be so simple but
- I found a way
- I found a way
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You tryna tell me girls aren’t super genius’s? Explain how they do the towel torpedo on their head then
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Ever since I graduated college I’ve learned a few things.
1. Sleep is valuable
2. Excel is more important than I thought
3. Time management is vital
4. In every scenario, I am by far the dumbest person in the room
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Me coming home after drinking 14 vodka sprites to annoy my roommates
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summoning circle, hope this works
🕯
🕯 🕯
🕯 use your 🕯
🕯 fucking 🕯
🕯 turn signal 🕯
🕯 🕯
🕯
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Hey I’m sorry I called you a piece of shit and a super ugly fat fucking bitch that nobody loves last week.. I was really drunk and I didn’t mean it anyways can I please hit your juul mine is dead
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He is very talented man. My favorite is when he made the Black Plague
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small guys 5’8
lap dogs or shorter
🤝
really loud/annoying
act overly aggressive
due to insecurities about
their size
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Happy I’m living the American dream. Working 8-5, drinking coffee, cussing at strangers when I get road rage, slowly dying of a debilitating depression that leads me to drive every loved one out of my life, and going bankrupt from student loans and medical debt
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NYPD shot a 13 year old 19 times today. NINETEEN times. Another life taken and for what? I’m just so tired
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*during sex*
Me: i want you to hurt me
Her: i don’t like the movie Ratatouille
Me: what
Her: yeah its kinda cute but I just can’t stop thinking about the fact an actual rat is touching everyone’s food, like that breaks tons of health violations & its super gross
Me: stop
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When it’s the first of the month and you have to pay all your bills AGAIN
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Couples who sit on the same side of the booth when they go out to eat are the same people who screamed when somebody turned the lights off in middle school
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@06fordexplorer
Hands slightly dirty after eating? Yeah probably gonna need about 6 paper towels to clean that up
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Sometimes you can tell someone has a history of domestic abuse without actual evidence of them doing it
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Death
- not that bad tbh
- just kind of like a long sleep
- don’t pay taxes
- no more work
Common flu
- modern day torture
- might as well be dead
- literally can’t think straight
- fucking garbage
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White people be like how can I be privileged our pool is above ground
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Me walking in to annoy my roommates after drinking 48 vodka sprites
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Getting my one (1) free drink from Starbucks with points I’ve accumulated after spending ten thousand dollars
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ya mcm wearing a long sleeve flannel and jeans today completely disregarding the fact it’s still 85 degrees outside because it’s now “spooky szn.” He profusely sweating
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Mosquitos when it starts getting warmer
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yea sex is cool but have ever lived in a country where you don’t have to worry about being viciously murdered by a stranger with a gun every time you go in public
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Go to college
- expensive
- prolly catch an STD
- develop drug/alcohol addiction
- waste of time
Join military
- become certified badass
- free buzz cut
- get a Dodge Charger
- wear huge Oakley’s 24/7
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When your wife’s boyfriend is over and they want some alone time
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@SLATE49
Let me get this straight. The government takes money from us, gives it to Israel, then Israel takes this money that was given to them by the US to buy weapons from weapon manufacturers for what I can only imagine a large profit that we see none of?
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Nostalgia really a bitch yo being an adult sucks I didn’t sign up for this
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Oh yeahhh government tax me for everything. Take my money and buy a big tank with it. Fuck yeah I love when I can’t afford to buy groceries or pay my bills. God damn that fighter jet is so sexy
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Okay last response then I’m muting this. My parents didn’t go to college neither did a lot of my friends, there’s nothing wrong with blue collar work, nor is there anything wrong with college. But calling college a waste of money is wrong and deserves to be made fun of. Simple
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Tuition: $22,000
Books: $600
Housing: $8,500
Meal Plan: $3,500
Take my first steps into a debilitating alcohol addiction that leads to me neglecting my responsibilities, failing out, and slipping into a deep depression: Priceless
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Long, plentiful, life
- old age
- being poor as savings inevitably dwindles away
- can’t fucking walk
- take meds constantly
- wear a diaper
Dying early
- fucking dope
- prolly die some crazy random way
- all friends/family are alive = super lit funeral
- avoid paying all debt
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@beau_janes
@_averagemeat
@ksuhamburglar
Let’s be very clear. We are not degrading blue collar workers. We’re degrading THAT guy, because he seems like an asshole.
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Me checking if the homie has been maintaining his workout regimen
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My fall clothes waiting for it to cool off so I can really start dressing
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review of the year
Jan: no surgery
Feb: no surgery
March: no surgery
April: no surgery
May: no surgery
June: no surgery
July: no surgery
Aug: no surgery
Sep: no surgery
Oct: no surgery
Nov: they did surgery on a grape
Dec: no surgery
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I don’t have anything to promote but ummmm FUCK racists. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk
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Ladies. If a man is ever being a weirdo creep here are two pictures you can send to him assuring him you’re in a relationship to make him leave you alone. You can thank me later
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Am I high or do they look like the same fucking person
Pete Davidson and Margaret Qualley have reportedly called it quits:
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White parents really be helping you move into college and take you to Walmart and spend $1,300 and still ask “alright honey is there anything else you may need?”
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Yeah girls can dress half naked and it’s “hot” and nobody cares but as soon as I dress half naked it’s “gross” and I “need to shave my ass”
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@paddingtonrocks
The fact this man has built a following off talking into his phone and doesn’t see the irony here is wildly embarrassing
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I ain’t even gon front bruv let me see your ass
Here's to 21 years (with another 8 years of experience) 🎉🍾🎂
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A subscription service like Netflix or Spotify but with books. It’s just this big building full of books where u just pay a small fee and you can keep the books until you’re done with them just as long as you return them. Ima call it the BookHall
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i have sex haha please think I’m cool twitter please I really need this
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You: bacteria is a large group of unicellular micro-organisms
Me (an intellectual): bacteria is short for back of the cafeteria
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Bro can I please be on aux please man can I be on the aux so bad man please bro can I be on aux please dude I really want to be on aux bro please bro come one please let me be on aux
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My roommates have the worst fucking vibes. One of them just texted me and said “what’re you doing for dinner?” And when I didn’t respond she said “well honey, your dad and I are going out to eat, there’s leftover meatloaf in the fridge if u want any” smh what a bitch
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