0β Zoomer (🦍,🦍)
@Zerobzoomer
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Rebelling ape on the planet of the shareholders
The Jungle
Joined May 2021
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Look at all the people who aren't investment banking analysts
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The last thing a single mother of two sees when she gets outbid by an all-cash offer on a starter home in Dayton, Ohio
It can't be that bad, there's no way. *watches video*, holy shit what the hell was Blackstone thinking
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Look at all the people who don't have homes in the Hamptons
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When you think it's just a networking call and they hit you with the $10 depreciation question
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Its all good tho because she doesn't know I'm saving myself for an e-girl
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Private credit modeling is a joke fr - you plug in the sponsor's projections and then haircut them by 40% and hope your returns stay the same
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When you log into the Zoom and its only you and your MD😂
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VPs in IB when you send out a catering request for an internal meeting
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I'll never forget when my MBA associate was doing long division to three decimal places by hand and hardcoding CAGR for each row
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Working with the Pentagon FP&A team on a sell-side is my worst nightmare
BREAKING: The US Defense Department, which has $3.8 trillion in assets, has failed for the sixth consecutive year to score a clean financial audit.
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I find it so ironic how plagiarism is admonished all throughout high school / college, and now I'm straight up copy pasting Mckinsey slides into our MP
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Quite literally nothing worse than being woken up at 7:30am on Monday morning by a rogue Selby Jennings recruiter ringing me
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It's so fitting that Greenwich girls who went to boarding school are the buyside gatekeepers
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Best passive aggressive move: horizontally stretch their headshot on the team page, but have it look normal enough to maintain plausible deniability
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When the first technical question is "What does EBITDA stand for?"
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How I walk into the sky lounge when I'm on my tier 5 city business trip
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Trying to manspain private credit to a shrodie and she's like why would they want debt if they have money already?
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The MBA associates must think I have a bondage kink given the frequency of me being tied up
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I wanna pitch a coming-of-age drama about a young 3rd party IB contractor in India who ends up making it to Wall Street front office
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deep underneath every strong powerful MD is an insanely submissive good analyst
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Doing interviews running around Midtown while in the middle of work feels like that Drake & Josh episode where he's juggling two dates at the same time
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Just finished Succession.. I think Greg would make a great MBA associate
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You know your VP is down bad when he's pulling shit from Statista as a source
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Barclays MBA associates in ECM are being forced to pay back their salaries by end of August
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Women really think we care about their money, job or status or how many boys they get. Meanwhile all we’re looking for is that the girl shows up, takes care of our emotions, treats us with respect and doesn’t cause any drama or put their ego above us
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VP: "You moved around a bunch of shapes to create the graph?!"
Me:
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Might just risk it all after two years and join a lifestyle PE fund in Miami
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Running point on my mom's Christmas card Excel file teaching her how to ctrl c ctrl v like she's an A1
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The extra 2 inches these new Hokas are giving me is way too powerful
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"How's it going?" - Staffer at noon on a Friday 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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Taylor Swift adults remind me of Disney adults and I cannot be persuaded otherwise
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Wen BofA junior banker liberation encampments in Bryant Park
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Fantasizing this morning about permanently logging off, buying a ticket to Buenos Aires and working for a sus family office
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The no Reps or Warranties clause is why I hardcode CIM outputs
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Dreadfully counting down the days until I secure a buyside seat, quit, or get transferred to the offshore India team
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How she describes her guy best friend
CNN reports that the phone call between Biden and Trump last night was 'good' and 'short and respectful'.
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Listening to my VP model for me on the phone for an hour is my ASMR
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I can hear my neighbor's Outlook notifications going off and it's giving me second hand anxiety
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Italian prime minister splits with boyfriend after he’s caught asking woman if she wants to have a ‘foursome’
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My MD said he thought I was a numbers guy... sorry man I'm a culture hire
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This VP pinging me right now must need a lobotomy if he thinks I'm gonna respond
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Live look at the presentation team after asking them to convert half of another bank's PDF'd CIM into our format
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You're not officially a PE professional until you hike Yosemite amidst a quarter life crisis
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Buyside girl to nurse is like going from mirror mode to 50cc in Mario Kart
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Wake me up when you can upload the datacube to PowerpointGPT and it outputs an IC memo
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Just started watching Succession.. I think Greg would make a great post-MBA associate
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Something about the start of June in NYC flips me out of my hibernation and into a rolling pipeline of three hinge dates / week
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"Why am I not getting any matches on Hinge?
TC: $2,000,000"
Bro you have to either get a hair transplant or shave it completely - what is going on here.
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Almost that type of weather when I can start accidentally overthrowing the football next to the group of sundresses
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When my smokeshop guy asks if I have experience making investor presentations and writing bullet points
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Deal team so lean I'm staffing my hinge date on some strip profiles
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Retard like me will call JP Morgan to dispute a charge thats actually my annual credit card fee
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No better way to start the morning than a large iced coffee and 9 holes of Wii golf
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Forgive me father for I have sinned (getting ice cream with NYU art shrody)
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When the hot associate from Amity Partners starts headhunting for the first time
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Mom ArbAndy is going schizo again I'm scared
Real talk:
If you aren’t squared away (and care) nows the time to get some reserve gas and ammunition while it’s relatively affordable.
No time to explain
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