I’m alone in my house and I just got inside a large cardboard amazon box and closed it all the way to see if I could fit. And then I stayed in it for a while. Ok bye!
In the last half hour I’ve tweeted about BDSM, my affinity for vaginas and wine, and my excitement over 666, and y’all are like “OH SHIT YOU LIKE TOMATOES??? CANCELLED!” I love it here.
Yesterday was Paris Hilton’s birthday so today I’m remembering the time I met her at a club in the early 2000’s and she asked for my number and the NEXT DAY her phonebook was leaked onto the internet and I received 100’s of prank calls a day for years and never changed my number.
Dear
@sparknotes
twitter account, who the fuck is writing this and are you single and if you aren’t is there anything I can do about that. Ok have a nice day bye!
I went to a chiropractor last week and he put this weird vibrating machine on my shoulder and I kept saying “I feel like I’m being fondled by ghosts!” Also he put my legs in straps and I was like “wow, if I knew chiropractors were so into bondage I would’ve come here way sooner.”
Dear everyone, this is the single most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen or received in my entire life. I think you are all legally my best friends now. Excuse me, I will be sobbing until next year. Thank you thank you thank you.
I tore a page out of a notebook last night to draw a costume sketch and then realized I had just torn a page out of Lindsay Lohan’s diary that she left at my house at a party in the early 2000’s. Happy Sunday y’all!
I was on a first date once and the guy started talking about “Missed Connections,” which I had never heard of at the time. He couldn’t believe I didn’t know what it was and so he pulled it up to show me and the first missed connection was one literally looking for me.
If I had kids I would have them make up their own holiday when they turn five. Then force them to celebrate it for the rest of my life. They’d hate it in their teens but you know they’ll be tearfully celebrating Unicorn Soldier day once I’m dead and remembering me fondly.
Wow there are a loottttttttt of assholes in the comments here. Happy PRIDE, especially to you racist, homophobic, “there-are-only-two-genders,” dumbass, bootlicking, narrowminded, buttfaced miscreants!
There is no society that can survive without strong men. The East knows this. In the west, the steady feminization of our men at the same time that Marxism is being taught to our children is not a coincidence.
It is an outright attack.
Bring back manly men.
Every day I ask myself what it would be like to NOT put so much hot sauce on my food that it burns my mouth and throat beyond repair and every day I choose NOT to find out the answer. I am the tootsie roll pop owl. But gay and addicted to pain.
I’m really psyched to learn so many of you have actually read Shakespeare. Almost everyone I know in real life realllllly did not understand the title of my record and I had to explain it and it was awkward.
Chiropractor update: saying “take me out to dinner first” when my spaghetti strap was moved down so he could work on my shoulder didn’t go over great. 🤗
If I were to do an NYC Z Berg and Friends would you come, where should it be, and who would you want to see? 🤔
Polaroid 📸 by
@kristingallegos
for
@thrillsco
@ SUP School Playa
If I have a heart attack from anxiety tonight and die will someone please be friends with my ghost? I promise not to do anything to sketch I just wanna hang.
I, on the other hand, prefer to date people under six feet. As there will invariably come a point that I will have to drag their dead bodies into a grave or stuff them in a trunk, I find it’s important to to find someone I can easily pick up.
Happy Halloween from Audrey Horne at one eyed jacks (shortly before her dad unwittingly tries to bang her and then she gets captured and drugged and held for ransom.
Found this little guy vibing alone on the sidewalk on my run today and didn’t know what to do so I saw a family coming up with 2 small kids and I yelled to the kids, “Hey do you guys need a gerbil??” And man were they psyched and anyway I would like to apologize to their mother.
Name a better movie this year. It’s terrifying, hilarious, heartbreaking, sexy, and wild. A true cinematic thriller masterpiece. I lost my mind for Strange Darling.
I changed my avi for the first time since I joined Twitter I think. I guess that warrants an announcement. Standing in front of the gates of hell no more... (turns out the gates of hell were just the friends we made along the way)
I’m pleased to announce that the first entry to the Karaoke competition was a merciless Rickrolling and it will take every fiber of my being not to let this genius win the competition.
I just had to do it. Particularly amused by the moment where I realize you can’t see my boobs well enough and change the camera angle to rectify that. 🌊 🚢
If you’re wondering how stoned I am right now- I just looked at this wallpaper whilst peeing and tearfully thought, “the blooms are all facing away from us 🥺”
Ok sorry guys but it’s impossible to respond to all of this. I hear you and I stand with you and will of course release a statement. I’m doing my best to listen to your voices and to be an ally. I thought that is what I had been doing and I’m sorry it absolutely wasn’t enough.
So the president of the United States just broke up a peaceful protest in front of the White House with tear gas and rubber bullets so he could casually walk across the street and pose in front of a boarded up church awkwardly holding a bible....
Recently (aka a century ago aka like two weeks ago) I tweeted what a lovely candy colored rainbow my twitter feed was. I now double down on that statement because as far as I can tell not a single person who follows me is a racist Fucking shitbird. So, as I said, I love it here.