thomas 🍌
@perfectsweeties
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interesting how when u squeeze most fruits u get fruit juice but when u squeeze a banana u just get. mashy banana. to me this is very suspicious. imposter fruit?
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ur weird as hell if ur one of those people like "i hate cats." whats ur problem bud. they literally have little paws
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how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
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why would they call it a grapefruit. there already is a grape fruit. it's called a grape. someone messed up here
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one time a girl said "u dropped this pen". i was like. that is clearly not my pen. it's red. "ya u did" she shoved it into my hands. ok weirdo. then when i looked at it there was a note inside with her phone number. my question is this: how does anyone date men. we are so dumb
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cat owners will be covered in scratches and scars and just be like these are little love marks from my handsome boy 😊 his name is pillow he's such a little man :)
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love how people just will accidentally have a pet cat. they’ll be like yea he just knocked on my door one day and now he has his own bedroom. like what?? what was he doing before u? he was just some guy doing stuff? i need to know more. ur cat has a dark and mysterious past
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me: hello i would like some spinach. just a normal amount for a normal person
grocery store: yea right. bet u love spinach u little spinach freak. here's a fucking brick of spinach. a literal bathtub full. u have 3 days to eat it all before it goes bad
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you've heard of elf on the shelf but haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door
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i meet jeff bezos in a store. i laugh at him because he only owns 170 billion dollars in stock. "none of that is liquid" i explain. i dangle a 20 dollar bill in front of his face. "u ever seen one of these u fuckin poor?" i spit on his shoe and his employee licks it clean
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jump scare when your grandma asks you to “fix” her phone. unlock it and all the text is in 48 point comic sans and theres a dancing leprechaun that “helps her with her passwords”. brother how do you even get this much malware on an iphone 15. we need to fling this into a volcano
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uber eats: u look hungry
me: ya
uber eats: but ur so fuckin lazy
me: ya
uber eats: i bet little piggy wants a 15 dollar ice cream cone delivered
me: ya
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hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like "actually i went back in time so it doesnt count". tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
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hate asking for directions. "go 1 block west." what is a block. what is west. i know left and right thats it. u might as well have told me to go fuck myself
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i love visiting any person in their 20s and asking where their recycling is and they just point to some fucked up little corner of their apartment where you have to gently place ur can on top of a growing tower of recyclables like an aluminum game of jenga
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one time i dated a girl with curly long hair and a few days after she broke up with me i found one of her hairs in my ass crack and i cried
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just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
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absolute thrill to give the pan a little shake when im cooking. no idea what the fuck im doing but it sure makes me feel fancy
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taylor swift fans have constructed a lore so intricate she sounds like a bloodborne boss. they’ll be like “when she was 12 yrs old she carved the name of her 12th album into the elder tree”. like ok ? which of her attacks are easiest to parry
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it's terrifying that ur brain is fully developed by the time you hit age 25. like no renovations? that's it? im getting close and i gotta say im not liking what im seeing so far
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being in the airport too long starts to alter your brain chemistry you start thinking shit like damn i could really go for a shoe shine right about now
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why is being tired a competition to people. like i'll yawn and theyre like oh u think ur tired u piece of shit?? well i haven't slept in weeks. my eyes are bleeding. i have 8 children. so fuck u for yawning
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meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
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obsessed with the concept of manifesting. just the hottest girl u ever met with successful parents like “yea i think about things and i usually get them 😊” and u gotta sit there and be like “wow ur vibes are sooo powerful”
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"do u have protection" i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. "im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer." the night is ruined
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humans: we have 32 teeth
sharks: ʷᵉˡˡ ᵗʰᵉ ᵗᵉᵉᵗʰ ˢᵗᵃʳᵗ ᶜᵒᵐᶦⁿᵍ and they don't stop coming and they dont stop coming and they dont stop coming AND THEY DONT STOP COMING 𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗬 𝗗𝗢𝗡𝗧 𝗦𝗧𝗢𝗣 𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗧𝗛
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is there an event more traumatic than the birth of a baby giraffe. being airdropped 6 feet into this cold harsh world. standing on wobbly legs and coming to terms with the fact ur main purpose in life is to eat tall leaf
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ranch hand: have u ever ridden a horse
me: *riding it like a skateboard* ya
ranch hand: thats not how u rid-
me: *kickflips horse*
ranch hand: holy fuckin shit
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me: *on one knee* will u marry me
her: OMG ye–
me: no worries if not lol
her: i will absolutely marry yo–
me: like seriously so sorry for the inconvenience
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so humiliating to be a grown adult drinking from a water fountain. little hydration booty sticking out behind u. no idea what to do with my eyes. stare like im having a war flashback? keep them closed like im enjoying it a bit too much? probably gonna choke when i stand up too
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so awesome when your cat sits down to watch tv with u but sometimes they get too locked in and you worry like idk if this is good for ur development little man
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have you ever noticed how in every movie that has apes in it, the orangutans are always the shaman class and the gorillas are the tanks. i’m glad we can all agree on that
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thank goodness bowling balls have these three little pockets for soup
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literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
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male friendship is beautiful. once a year one of u texts the other something like "we should write a movie" and the other responds "that would be sick" and thats it
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(scrolling twitter) wow this is so cringe (switching apps to text gf) hey babe bad news i went to the store to get some more forehead kisses but they were all out of singles so i had to get a pack of one billion :/
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when someone tells you that u can't pet a wild animal that's a real hater mentality. "it's going to attack you" uhh?? have u considered im going to be extra nice to him ?
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the chiropractor turns my head to the side just a tad too fast. my neck snaps and i die instantly. ahhhh perfect. my back feels much better
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nightmares are so embarrassing bro like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him
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if ur high ur allowed to do little freak things like eat a bag of croutons
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restaurant managers love to walk around like an undercover cop. just some guy named dan in khakis and a polo like “i hope youre enjoying your meal”. dude i was until u materialized at our table like dracula. im stressed as hell now. am i in trouble. i wanna speak to my lawyer
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so hype when one of the boys incorporates a new word into his vocabulary. like bro did u just describe something as “ostentatious”. fuck man. thats sick. thats cool as hell
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me: basically when u walk through a doorway your mind resets itself to take in new information causing u to forget what u came for in the first place
archduke franz ferdinand: so you dont remember why you time traveled here
me: i do think it was probably important
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whale: im fish?
god: mammal
whale: how will i breathe
god: hole in head lol
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honestly there's like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
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the chiropractor turns my head to the side just a tad too fast. my neck snaps and i die instantly. perfect. everything feels much better
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some men saying "how were u supposed to know she was flirting with u". have u considered that u, just like me, are also dumb
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i have no idea how teachers do it man. if i had to teach algebra to some jackass knowing he's gonna join a frat and harass girls for 4 years before before getting a job at his daddy's business where he listens to joe rogan podcasts and makes 3x my salary i would become the joker
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u arrive at the gates of heaven at the same time as ben shapiro. "only one of u belongs" god pulls up ur stats. "# of times u said the word p*ssy" flashes across the screen. ben smiles when his says "zero". god sends him hurtling to hell. no fuckin loser nerds allowed in heaven
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@hoe__no
not to be dramatic but if u dont find her and fall in love and live happily ever after im cutting off my own arm cuz love is fake
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makes no sense that women were ever labeled as being unstable. being a man is a mental illness. every 6 months i have to fight the voices from the void telling me to tear my life asunder in favor of joining a crab fishing boat in alaska. it’s insane. i dont even like fishing
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this grown ass man and professional comedian got extremely mad at me cuz i joked about his favorite fruit
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toddlers piss me off so bad the way they just fall over for no reason and get back up and act like nothing happened. are u not fuckin embarrassed right now
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be pissed if i were a whale. tf do you mean i’m the size of a school bus and my diet consists of tiny shrimp. at a restaurant like i’ll have the krill. yes please 3 million of them
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they need to bring prohibition back but specifically only for me. last night i was so drunk that i accidentally texted myself instead of a friend and was blown away when they were saying the same thing as me at the same time
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black bears: *eating honey*
me: ur killing the bees
lack ears: WHAT
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one time she asked me to clear up some space on her phone and she had 60 gb of youtube videos about shifting dimensions to cure illness and essential oils downloaded
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me: when u walk thru a doorway ur mind resets to take in new information causing u to forget what u came for in the first place. it’s called the “doorway effect”
archduke franz ferdinand: so you dont remember why you time traveled here
me: i do think it was probably important
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coming up with the word "innit" is arguably the only good thing the british have ever done. 3 words just smashed together in one. not an apostrophe in sight. the sheer audacity of it.. it's so fucking stupid i love it
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cant imagine how furious all clown fish are. everytime we see them we're like look it's Nemo and they just have to clench their little fins and swim away like "my name is fuckin Steven"
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i cant believe the only word that starts with an x starts with a z
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red delicious apples are fucking trash literally the worst fucking apple out there they have the texture and consistency of mashy apple sand nothing delicious about that shit yet theyre served everywhere what is up with that y'all need to try a honey crisp or any other apple fuck
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really nice when the youtube home workout guy with 17 abs is like "ur doing great" like thanks buddy but i am throwing up everywhere
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the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
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don't like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
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white families be like this is our top secret holiday family recipe passed down for generations. u cant learn it until u turn 25 and if u tell anyone u die. meanwhile it’s some shit called “glimbo balls” and the main ingredients are unseasoned ground beef and gelatin
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clowns are naturally pack animals. thats why theyre always cramming themselves into cars, forming insane posses, etc
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little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout "can u hold this for me." no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
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just found out bananas are berries while raspberries and strawberries are not. if this doesn't piss u off about the whole fruit kingdom
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ay girl are u a noun cuz u could be a PERSON at my PLACE doing a THING
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actually when u read nutrition facts ur allowed to ignore whatever u want. for example. this is what i see on a beer can. 1̶5̶0̶ ̶c̶a̶l̶o̶r̶i̶e̶s̶ 𝟭𝗴 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘁𝗲𝗶𝗻. excellent. muscles grow big and strong
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why do zombie movies do everything they can to not call them zombies. like "walkers," "infected," "shamblers". next thing u know they're gonna be like oh no here comes a horde of big stumbly boys
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1st base is sex and 3rd base is making u watch youtube videos of ppl building their own aquariums
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it all makes sense now. the reason im not a billionaire is that i cant stop throwing expensive baby showers. im literally addicted. every day i wake up and throw another one. i hired 4 elvis impersonators and made them play mario kart. i dont even own a baby
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why would i ever play russian roulette when i could just eat a box of blueberries. every single one is a gamble. just sitting here enjoying some berries. until BAM u pop a truly disgusting mushy little fruit in ur mouth. this is a real fuckin betrayal
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long ago Andy Samberg cast out the awkward and mean parts of his personality which went on to take shape in the form of Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg. they now exist as a living matroyshka. every night Cera must climb inside Eisenberg who must then himself climb inside Samberg
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it's so funny when someone reveals theyre a vegetarian cuz it's like everyone else forgets what that means. they'll be like.. are u allowed to ride shotgun in my honda civic. is that something ur allowed to do. i know ur a vegetarian so im just checking
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i hate ice breakers so much why do we need to do this weird conversational foreplay shit. it's always either like "my favorite color is blue" or "my parents divorce permanently altered my ability to feel love" with no in between. cant we just raw dog this conversation instead
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no i do not have "passions". i have a rotating list of things i become hyperfixated on based on the last tv show i watched. for example right now im working on becoming a grandmaster in chess despite never having played
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i know some of u are thinking. man i really want a bf who can list all the helping verbs. well ur never gonna believe what i can do
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me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
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god i fuckin LOVE a good walk. look at all these TREES. fuck man is that a pinecone? hell ya. gonna awkwardly nod at passing strangers?? dont mind if i do. nothin like some fresh air
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[presidential debate]
theyre asked about healthcare. instead of answering trump pulls out a solved rubiks cube. "i solved this better than anyone else". stickers hang loosely.. as if they had been rearranged. biden stares before snatching a sticker and popping it in his mouth
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quick question for women: would u consider it to be "making a move" if u sat down on the bus next to a guy then tapped on his shoulder to tell him u liked his tattoos? and would it be sexy if he said "what" three times then got extra sweaty. im just wondering
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walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it's cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
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hookup culture is way too intense for me now talkin bout "will you spit in my mouth and slap me in the face" like ok sure i would love to Can we date for 6 months first and maybe i introduce u to my grandma. also i might cry
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