Date: That is so funny 😂 You’re saying all the right things tonight
Rat Ratatouille-ing Me: Good. Now make a joke about how there’s a rat controlling you as a double bluff
Me: It’s almost like I got a rat under this hat feeding me lines 😉
Date’s Rat: Yeah okay he’s on to us
Pilgrim: *listening to Tech House* This is really good. Really vibey
Me: *fighting back tears* You’re supposed to die. You were supposed to explode or something
r/GoblinCleavage:
PINNED BY MODERATOR
This subreddit is for artwork of goblins being cleft in two by adventurers with heavy weaponry. This is NOT a place for sexually explicit pictures of goblins!
female loneliness: no one has taken me on a date in a week I’m gonna SCREAM!!
male loneliness: I have not gotten a single like on Tinder in 3 months
sailor loneliness: Day 67 lost at sea. A seagull landed on the bow this morn, but flew away when I tried to grab it.
Steve: We asked 100 men, what is the correct number of beers. What you got for me
Me: I think four, Steve
Steve: Show me four beers!
🛎 *board flips to reveal four was the
#1
answer worth 98 points*
Everyone correcting me on any of these or telling me I got one wrong: too bad. Should have thought to do this before me. I got to decide them all sucks to suck
@superloafcat
That’s the thing I love about these 19 year old girlfriends and Deftones. I keep getting older and they stay the same age and keep being really good respectively
Mystic: Ahhh… I see… yes. This right here… this means we should have breakfast for dinner this evening
Emperor: [skeptically] For the third time in four days?
Ex gf: [biting lip] you look like you’re doing… well. I’m happy for you. really
Me, now swole as fuck, wearing tiny shirt that barely fits: not really.. I can’t even afford new clothes
gf: if i were a food what kind would i be ?
me: I dunno that’s really hard.. because like, you’re very sweet. like honey ham. but then other times your much more savory and complex like black forest ham
gf: aw 🥹
Friend: What do you think is down there?
Me: Only one way to find out
*jumping down well*
*falling*
*still falling*
*falling past an exact copy of myself falling the other way*
*flying out of a well on the other side and landing on its edge*
Exact copy of my friend: So??
Student: Can I use the bathroom
Me as a teacher: I don’t know. Can you?
Student: ugh… *sighs* (British accent) might I trouble you for a spot of baffroom?
Me: (pleased) you might
Boss: Financials?
Numbers Guy: *tapping on calculator* Numbers don’t look good boss
Boss: Hmm… Omens?
Omens Guy: *prodding the crow in his lap* *crow squawks* Omens don’t look good boss
Eldritch Girls Gone Wild Cameraman: Conjure something for us
Girl: I don’t know if I should…
Eldritch Girls Gone Wild Cameraman: Just really quick. Conjure it and then you can dispel it right away
Girl: (playfully) Well… alright
My most buzzkill opinion is that we should have very strict packaging and labling regulations for anything alcoholic or with cannabis in it. Caffeine should be better labeled too