Wraith
@WraithLaFrentz
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Following
550
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707
Statuses
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There must have been a moment, at the beginning, where we could have said -- no. But somehow we missed it. | @lilmeaties
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(Sisyphus checking his todo list) oh nice only one task. Should be a light day
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Getting 5 likes from your friends is “the gentleman’s viral”
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Date: That is so funny 😂 You’re saying all the right things tonight
Rat Ratatouille-ing Me: Good. Now make a joke about how there’s a rat controlling you as a double bluff
Me: It’s almost like I got a rat under this hat feeding me lines 😉
Date’s Rat: Yeah okay he’s on to us
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There are way too many different types of beetles for God to not be at least on the spectrum
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You are not “just a girl”. Women are strong, capable, and intelligent. You dumb fucking bitch
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Woman (flirtatiously twirling her hair): So is there a… Mrs. Swamp Man?
Swamp Man (somberly): No I am the last of my kind
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[at the function switching to light beer] folks this is your captain speaking. We’ve reached our cruising BAC,
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Slashing: boy damage
Piercing: girl damage
Bludgeoning: boy damage
Lightning: girl damage
Thunder: boy damage
Psychic: girl damage
Fire: boy damage
Radiant: girl damage
Necrotic: boy damage
Cold: girl damage
Acid: boy damage
Force: non binary damage
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Pilgrim: *listening to Tech House* This is really good. Really vibey
Me: *fighting back tears* You’re supposed to die. You were supposed to explode or something
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CHOPPED
Chefs open your baskets
your ingredients are:
- hot dogs
- hot dog buns
- potato chips
Contestant: What the f*** am I supposed to do with this
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r/GoblinCleavage:
PINNED BY MODERATOR
This subreddit is for artwork of goblins being cleft in two by adventurers with heavy weaponry. This is NOT a place for sexually explicit pictures of goblins!
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Babe I think we need to have an honest conversation about how you are spending your skill points
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[late to my own execution] what are they gonna do. Kill me? Ha
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Fremen hooping on Arrakis and they have to dribble arrhythmically
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female loneliness: no one has taken me on a date in a week I’m gonna SCREAM!!
male loneliness: I have not gotten a single like on Tinder in 3 months
sailor loneliness: Day 67 lost at sea. A seagull landed on the bow this morn, but flew away when I tried to grab it.
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If you are embarrassed about masturbating in a hospital please step right up to our sperm extraction machine that is right out in the open
🔔 | Sperm 'extraction machine' invented for men who are too embarrassed to masturbate in hospitals
More below:
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🪱: it’s so early.. I should be good to go to the surface. Just for a second. I mean, who’s gonna be out?? It so early…. Just for a second..
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Gay friend: I have a date tomorrow night
Me: What’s her name lol
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It’s going to be so funny when I get sent to Hell for calling God autistic
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(At my first rodeo) What in the fuck is going on. What the fuck is any of this
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Handling the rejection so well that she becomes attracted to me
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The King: Now grovel in place
Peasants: [groveling]
The King: Ahhh! I didn’t say “sire says”!!
Peasants: [concerned]
Knights: [readying weapons]
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Steve: We asked 100 men, what is the correct number of beers. What you got for me
Me: I think four, Steve
Steve: Show me four beers!
🛎 *board flips to reveal four was the
#1
answer worth 98 points*
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Babe I think… I think my reload animation got faster?? *miming reloading a gun in the mirror* See? Did that look faster to you? It felt faster..
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You: Inventing a guy to be mad at
Jesus: Inventing a guy to forgive
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Everyone correcting me on any of these or telling me I got one wrong: too bad. Should have thought to do this before me. I got to decide them all sucks to suck
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@superloafcat
That’s the thing I love about these 19 year old girlfriends and Deftones. I keep getting older and they stay the same age and keep being really good respectively
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Mystic: Ahhh… I see… yes. This right here… this means we should have breakfast for dinner this evening
Emperor: [skeptically] For the third time in four days?
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Me: Do you have Mr. Pibb
Fine French Restaurant Waiter: Désolé… ?
Me: Sorry, Monsieur Pibb?
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Wife sending me to the bar with only enough cash for one beer
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Ex gf: [biting lip] you look like you’re doing… well. I’m happy for you. really
Me, now swole as fuck, wearing tiny shirt that barely fits: not really.. I can’t even afford new clothes
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gf: if i were a food what kind would i be ?
me: I dunno that’s really hard.. because like, you’re very sweet. like honey ham. but then other times your much more savory and complex like black forest ham
gf: aw 🥹
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Nana was it? Nice to meet you. *reaching out to shake hands* I rail your granddaughter sometimes
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@s4m31p4n
Packing four beers and nothing else for lunch (I work in construction and operate heavy machinery)
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Friend: What do you think is down there?
Me: Only one way to find out
*jumping down well*
*falling*
*still falling*
*falling past an exact copy of myself falling the other way*
*flying out of a well on the other side and landing on its edge*
Exact copy of my friend: So??
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Did not expect so many women to be liking this one. Women truly are smart, intelligent, capable of understanding irony, beautiful,
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I feel bad for introducing this into the world. I’ve doomed a whole generation of Dungeons & Dragons DMs
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Oh no disk is almost full! Whatever will I do!! Nah I’m just kidding. Computer, delete 25 gigs of memory. I don’t care what
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(flirting) do u want to come over and take turns trying to control eachother with our minds
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[when I say jump you say “how high” voice] when I say take that cock you say “how deep”
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Knight: Aren’t you a little old to be a squire?
The 27 Year Old Squire: No…
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My second grader is already interpreting omens at a fifth grade level
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Me: Damn gurl. You got me all tuckered out!!
Girl: *closing storybook* yeah? You liked that?
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Reading the word ‘banana’ and getting to the second n: Does this word ever freaking end??
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Student: Can I use the bathroom
Me as a teacher: I don’t know. Can you?
Student: ugh… *sighs* (British accent) might I trouble you for a spot of baffroom?
Me: (pleased) you might
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@aniceburrito
It’s ok everyone I’m a professional
*Strikes a gas line*
Ah ha. You see? Dinosaur remains
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First time a girl gets naked in front of me I’m gonna ask her to “give me the tour”
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I have to step away for about half an hour. I need to pick my girlfriend up from girlfriend practice
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Designing an early warning system for the female orgasm. I do not want to be in the room when she does that shit
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Boss: Financials?
Numbers Guy: *tapping on calculator* Numbers don’t look good boss
Boss: Hmm… Omens?
Omens Guy: *prodding the crow in his lap* *crow squawks* Omens don’t look good boss
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Eldritch Girls Gone Wild Cameraman: Conjure something for us
Girl: I don’t know if I should…
Eldritch Girls Gone Wild Cameraman: Just really quick. Conjure it and then you can dispel it right away
Girl: (playfully) Well… alright
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I thought all hospitals have a busty nurse whose job it is to help with sperm extraction is that not right
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Date: *getting out phone* so when exactly were you born ?
Me: *getting out calipers* okay but after I tell you we do my thing
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ⓘ Your dish was insufficiently succulent. The King was not impressed.
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They say this shit every four year
Scientists estimate they will bring back Woolly Mammoths within 4 years.
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*pinching temple* Would you shut up about the escaped specimen?
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r/TwoSentenceHorror:
They tell me the creature is not real.
Then what have I been milking?
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Sort By: Controversial
Cow
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An olive branch? Fuck you. I fucking hate olives. This means war
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You put even a mediocre modern offensive coordinator back in 400 BC and they’ll win you a war
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Alcoholic drinks should by law have a little umbrella in them
My most buzzkill opinion is that we should have very strict packaging and labling regulations for anything alcoholic or with cannabis in it. Caffeine should be better labeled too
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