SGT Mortis Von Gobbleshanks
@WitchyDruss
Followers
1,937
Following
2,111
Media
8,842
Statuses
61,211
Disabled Army Infantry veteran. Bruins, Red Sox, Patriots fan. Libertarian. INTJ-T. I'm seriously broke, so stop asking me for money.
Anderson, IN
Joined November 2009
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Send us removal request.
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Pinned Tweet
Crap. Someone found a picture of me in blackface from when I was 24.
Oh no, wait, this is when I was Division Soldier of the Month for the 101st Airborne, and Battalion Soldier of the Year for 2/187th Infantry.
My bad.
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Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
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@OttawaPolice
Good job, Ottawa Police! Keep up the fantastic work knocking down little old ladies and popping hot tubs. You are an example to all of humanity!
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@POTUS
You wouldn't know an insurrection if it was in your ice cream. Just repeating the word doesn't make it true.
How many people have been charged with insurrection?
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@oliverdarcy
I bet you were touching yourself thinking about ambushing jurors from the Manafort trial. You were counting on the love and adoration of the Left to get you through the dark moments you spend alone thinking about how empty you are.
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@JoeBiden
I'm a Libertarian. A veteran. And your words frighten me. I have never heard a President say things like this. I will never be a Trumper, but I would stand with them against this blatant tyranny.
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@CapitolPolice
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that your uniform shirts are brown. Just got a feeling that they are.
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@fetrow_judith
@chrislhayes
@UROCKlive1
My woke five year old son came over and sat on my lap this morning, took a sip of my coffee, turned and looked at me and said 'Some crazy bitch is going to destroy my life, right, Dad?'
I could do nothing but hold him as we sobbed.
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@Acosta
Dear Diary - Today I searched all over for a dog that was supposed to be here at the WH. I didn't find the dog, but I did find my retainer, and where everyone goes to smoke while we are waiting for the briefing to start. SCORE!
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@brooklynmarie
@oliverdarcy
Since you work for
@snopes
do I have to verify any of this? I don't think I want a audience for the former....
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I sexually identify as a microwaveable meal.
I'm done in five minutes and I don't look anything like my pictures.
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@sallykohn
My daughter knows how to defend herself.
My son can't defend himself from lies.
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I have no idea why people aren't calling the anti-2A assault in Virginia the 'War of Northam Aggression'.
I mean, it's perfect and I can't believe my dumb ass came up with it.
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@BretBaier
When did it happen?
I don't know.
Where?
I don't know.
Who invited you?
I don't know.
Who else was there?
I don't know.
Well, we've investigated, and we didn't find shit.
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@kimtcga
@ezraklein
So you think that he might hold a grudge against the Democratic Party for their treatment of himself? I have no idea why you would think that. The media says that the Democrats have been very fair in their treatment of him.
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@APCentralRegion
Are you KIDDING ME?!?!
She provided the police report AND a medical record!!!
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@NPR
Are you seriously high? I can list two dozen rock bands with POC without breaking a sweat.
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@JRubinBlogger
@RadioFreeTom
I didn't go to college because I was serving in the Army. Am I less important than someone who went to college? Is my Combat Infantryman's Badge less important than a diploma from Brown?
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Actor Pedro Pascal is in critical condition and has been admitted to the hospital this morning due to severe back pain caused by carrying the entire Star Wars universe on his shoulders
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@LisaDNews
The protesters are there by invitation. Who invited them? We want names of the politicians who invited those who are disrupting.
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My kid would get a trip to Disney for doing this.
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@RamirezJaneIam
Probably the best satire account on Twitter. I haven't laughed this much in ages.
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@PeteButtigieg
You know, there is a giant Catholic college right there in your town where possibly they could explain to you why they went to Bethlehem.
Heck, I'm a PAGAN, and I know why.
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My wife asked me to stop singing 'I'm a Believer' by The Monkees, because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding.
But then I saw her face.
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The fastest man made object isn't a hypersonic jet or spacecraft, but a large manhole cover.... When the US started doing underground nuclear testing, nobody really knew what would happen.
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@TheUSASingers
Sorry, who are you? Because if you aren't a Cure cover band I really don't care.
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@GayPatriot
My woke five year old son came over and sat on my lap this morning, took a sip of my coffee, turned and looked at me and said 'Some crazy bitch is going to destroy my life, right, Dad?'
I could do nothing but hold him as we sobbed.
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@kaitlancollins
I am shocked. So very shocked that someone from the preachiest news channel is actually a homophobe. This is like being preached at watching the Oscars when they all knew about Weinstein.
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@sassygayrepub
Nope. I'd thank him, return the compliment, and go happily on my way. When I got home I would tell the wife that what she dressed me in was a good outfit.
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@kdogjff
@annehelen
Being a reporter for Buzzfeed is like being the Chief of Fermentation at MD 20/20.
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@RobProvince
You're obviously paying them too much. Cut wages and hours. Can't afford to have the bourgeoisie getting ahead.
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This means both of the remaining pieces would have passed Pluto's orbit sometime around 1961 and are way beyond the edge of the solar system by now. 🙂
Scientists also came to the conclusion that Epstein didn't kill himself.
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Know what goes great with a coronavirus?
Lime disease
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@KirstenPowers
@SavannahGuthrie
If by killing it, you mean journalistic integrity, yes, she did.
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@PhillipsPOBrien
@TheAtlantic
I'm an American Army Infantry veteran. We treated each other with incredible respect and anything coming close to disrespect to another person was crushed. That man is responsible for watching your six. May have to hold your guts in. But we were hyper masculine.
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@RealJamesWoods
I'm wondering why hot dogs come in packs of ten, but the buns come in packs of eight!
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@atrupar
Hell, I'll insult you for free. I have decades of experience in cutting people down.
P.S. Reporters deserve every insult they get.
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@imillhiser
Sounds pretty totalitarian to me. When do we get uniforms and learn how to do the new salute?
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