Victoria Wood QOTD
@VictoriaQOTD
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Amazing jokes. Terrible screen grabs. A daily dose of the legend that was Victoria Wood.
Joined October 2016
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Today is Victoria Wood's 70th birthday, and in a better universe, she'd be sharing it with us. Raise a glass for her 🍷☕️🍸
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You can put chairs and tables outside as many cafes you like in the United Kingdom, it won't be Tuscany.
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Then it was, "what do you think of Marx?" I said I think their pants have dropped off but you can't fault their broccoli.
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She said I don't go out, I don't have sex, I sit in night after night eating biscuits, I've reached rock bottom. I said that's your rock bottom? Those are my retirement plans.
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First day I met her she said 'I'm a radical feminist lesbian.' I thought, what would the Queen Mum do? So I just smiled and said 'we shall have fog by tea time.'
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I am in no way narrow minded or behind the times. Daddy and I were the first people in our crescent to have a wok.
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I used to have this self-help manual that said what you should do is take all your clothes off, look at yourself naked, pick out your best points and say it out loud to yourself. I used to stand there for hours at a time going "you have Latin O-level."
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"National Truss?"
"Trust."
"Oh. It's quite a nasty thought, isn't it, a National Truss?"
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"What do you want?"
"I don't know... romance, passion, some sort of unbridled physicality would be nice."
"Sorry... I meant tea or coffee."
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There was a bright light at the end of a long white passage and Dusty Springfield was beckoning to me with a lovely smile. Turned out I'd passed out in the Mersey Tunnel with a drag act.
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Fortunately I've just had my TV mended. I say mended - a shifty looking youth in plimsolls came and waggled my aerial and wolfed my Gypsy Creams but that's the comprehensive system for you.
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I've just noticed that this account has reached 50,000 followers, which is quite astonishing. Thank you for following, thank you for your replies and likes and retweets, and thank you most of all to Victoria Wood, the much missed reason we all get a laugh every day.
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I had a baby once before but I never really got involved. Do you remember Bren? Oh yes, it was you.
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Freda and Barry sat one night,
The sky was clear,
The stars were bright.
The wind was soft,
The moon was up,
Freda drained her cocoa cup...
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If I was Prime Minister - and thank goodness I'm not, because I've been the length and breadth of Downing Street and never spotted a decent wool shop.
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"Did you look round Guildford?"
"No I didn't, I stayed in the coach. I could see from the car park it wasn't my style."
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"Can I try on the black lace ups in the window?"
"Well you can, but everyone in the street will be able to see you."
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"Do you think we'll live happily ever after?"
"No. I think we'll just blunder about buggering it up like everybody else."
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Across the aisle a couple were having sex. Nobody said anything. When they finished they both lit up a cigarette and I said 'excuse me, I think you'll find this is a non-smoking compartment'.
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"What about finding the French coast?"
"I think I'll find it alright, thank you. I came fourth in Geography. Eighty one percent."
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"The North! I love it, I love it, I feel passionately about it. They're choking it to death and I'm saying rage! Rage against the dying of the light. Because they're killing it. They're letting it die. My North."
"Whereabouts do you live?"
"Chiswick."
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Today, this account hit sixty thousand followers - and it's Victoria Wood's birthday! Coincidence? Almost certainly. Thank you to you for following, and thank you to Victoria for being The Best!
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My mother was trapped under a Blackpool tram for four and a half hours. She didn't get counselling. She got a cup of tea and two tickets to Charlie Drake.
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And we weren't having hysterectomies every two minutes like the girls these days. If something went wrong down below you kept your gob shut and turned up the wireless.
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Deirdre Barlow - what a sad life she's had. She's been married twice. She's had three different Tracys. One went upstairs in a huff and didn't come down for four years.
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I've put everything down to the menopause now. Tiredness. Irritability. Global warming. It could be, couldn't it? Two hundred lady Eskimos having a hot flush at the same time.
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All this in a voice loud enough to blow the froth off a Horlicks two tables away.
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I've never swum such a long way, and some of it's in the dark, and I don't really like the dark.
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When Mia Farrow left Frank Sinatra, he got a bit of a thing for me on the rebound. Typical Italian macho nonsense. He was forever landing on my lawn in his helicopter. It got silly, really. You'd pull back the bedroom curtains and there'd be Frank's chopper.
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"So if we want to get a nice brown tan without burning how do we go about it Margery?"
"The golden rule, Joan, is: build up gradually. First two weeks of your holiday stay in your hotel room with a hat and a pullover."
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Our Christmas pudding is down there somewhere, and you can be sure we shall dig 'til we get it. And if I find my husband as well that's all to the good.
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"There's a pair of shoes in the window."
"That's right, we do that because it's a shoe shop."
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Are you enjoying our lovely May weather, or as a working class person, do you prefer gravy?
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Let's do it, let's do it,
I really want to rant and rave.
Let's go, 'cos I know
Just how I want you to behave.
Not bleakly.
Not meekly.
Beat me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly!
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"You have to clench those buttocks."
"She'll never get hers clenched. It'd take two big lads and a wheelbarrow."
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There's always the worry on a long railway journey that you might end up sitting next to a Cabinet Minister.
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I'm sorry I've not been a very good mother. You can't be good at everything and I was A1 with a hula hoop.
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An Audience With… peaked in 1988.
Let's do it, let's do it,
I really want to rant and rave.
Let's go, 'cos I know
Just how I want you to behave.
Not bleakly.
Not meekly.
Beat me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly!
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I wanted love poems but you wouldn't write them,
My earlobes nibbled but you wouldn't bite them,
You'd only fart and then attempt to light them,
Things would never have worked.
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I didn't have sex at all - not one scrap - until I was sixty-seven. And that, I may tell you, was only because I couldn't find any small change for the window cleaner.
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"And of course she's saving up for her bottom drawer."
"What's she got?"
"Just the knobs so far."
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"What made you want to be nurse Della?"
"It was that telly programme. 'Angels'. Seemed like a nice job."
"What particularly attracted you?"
"The short hours."
"Short hours?"
"Yeah. Half an hour, twice a week. Seemed too good to be true. Which it was."
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We'd like to apologise to viewers in the North. It must be awful for them.
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I ended up in a back bedroom with a man who owned a DIY shop. He ripped off all his clothes and said "What would you like me to do?" I said really I'd like you to insulate the loft and lag the hot water tank.
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I had to fill in a form the other day that said "What have you learned about yourself since becoming a mother?" and I had to put "that I am crap at plaits".
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"What does your fella wear in bed then?"
"What fella?"
"Driving instructor."
"Oh him. I had to put a sudden stop to that."
"What did you do, bang on the dashboard?"
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I'm sanding down an old blanket box. I could do with an unusual knob.
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"Here I am blabbing away about my own troubles and I never asked you about your husband's car crash."
"Oh, he's dead Miss Babs. In fact I was going to ask if I could have a couple of hours off on Thursday for the funeral."
"Of course. Just pop back at five for the hoovering."
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I need those croissants. I am borderline hypoglycaemic - diagnosed pastry dependant.
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Well, he's not my husband, but he rubbed up against me in a sports jacket so he's as good as.
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She said "Are you intimidated by my sexual preferences?" I said "No, and I'm not too struck with your donkey jacket either."
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"I slipped on some orange juice."
"And they used to say it was good for you."
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We never did all this keep fit. We got our exercise lowering coffins out of upstairs windows. In fact if people were very heavy we used to ask them to die downstairs.
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Hello all! I've just noticed that we've tipped over 40,000 followers, which is incredible. Thank you to all of you for following, but more importantly, thank you to Victoria Wood for giving us all a smile every day. Cheers!
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"He was a really nice bloke actually. We was just watching vids and having a drink and that. He done us a frozen pizza and he'd just took it out of the oven and... you know."
"Did he use protection?"
"Oven mitts."
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If I was a proper celebrity I'd have to have at least four children. One naturally, two adopted, one from sperm sent in by a well-wisher. And I'd call them Pinky, Perky, Monosodium Glutamate and Satsuma.
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This folly,
Is jolly,
Bend me over backwards on me hostess trolley!
Let's do it,
Let's do it tonight!
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I went to one of those swapping parties where you throw your car keys on the floor. I don't know who got my moped but I drove that Peugeot for years.
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I'm Bren's mother. Though sometimes I wonder if there was a mix up at the hospital. I wonder if there's a tiny sparky brunette somewhere stuck with a family of plodders.
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My mother gave birth to twins in an unheated wash house then got straight up and finished the mangling so think on.
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She said have you ever suffered from any of the following: divorce, stroke, difficulties with partner. I said I've never had a stroke. She said no, a stroke is part of the punctuation, it's not the question.
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"I have the same bust measurement as Gina Lollobrigida."
"And the same hip measurement as Patrick Moore."
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She said "You probably recognise me, I do the advisory programme, I'm very big in the provinces." I told her, you've yet to click in Cheadle, which I think hit home.
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"Are you not pregnant?"
"Not unless sperm can get through a sash window."
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"Babs. You look pensive."
"No I'm not. I was just thinking."
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"We don't all have the same faith. Anita, for example, may have another form of worship."
"Who do you worship in your family then Anita?"
"Well we all really like Celine Dion."
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"'Are you too busy to have an orgasm?'"
"An orgasm? I haven't blown my nose since Wednesday."
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She says 'Kitty, I'm leaving Bill. We're not compatible.' Well they never were. He loves opera and she can't follow the plot of the Teddy Bear's Picnic.
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"They used to reckon that stopped you getting pregnant. Vinegar."
"How did that work then? Where did you put it?"
"I put it on my chips, so I had no chance, did I?"
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"Do you know Vivaldi?"
"In't he the Four Seasons?"
"Well, I prefer to think of them in the original. The Quattro Formaggi."
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"What would happen if I asked for a herbal tea?"
"Nothing."
"You mean you wouldn't be fazed by such a request?"
"No, I mean you wouldn't get one."
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She's nice, Mrs Gupta. She comes from - where is it?... It's got a right funny name and it's really far away... Kidderminster.
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Tony Blair! Stick two poems up in a bus shelter and call it a university.
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We got a letter from our council a bit ago and it said "we've just spent a million pounds refreshing our tired logo. We hope you'll be happy with this vibrant aqua." You think, oh just empty the bloody bins will you?
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If your idea of a sophisticated piece of humour is laughing at the word willy, then I suggest you visit the Highlands of Scotland, which is liberally sprinkled with Willies of all ages.
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There was no exciting food, there was no pizzas or burgers. We used to die of excitement if the jelly came in two colours.
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If there's a noisy party in the block, I don't complain. I zip up my cocktail slacks and get over there and get frigging. Or whatever the current dance craze may be.
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They've been linked with teenage alcoholism, wine gums. It was in the Daily Mail.
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You get very good women's parts in The Bill. You get to stand in the doorway of a block of council flats going "You'd better come in then".
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Given some kind of structured post-nuclear society, do you think people are more likely, or less likely, to be eating Hellman's Mayonnaise?
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"Do you think you might follow the trend, Margery, of the rather worn-out middle-aged woman shacking up with a much younger man?"
"It's certainly worth looking into, Joan. One of the things I do like about younger men is that they tend not to wear pyjamas."
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"I wish I'd met you before."
"When? Before I had chemo?"
"Before I married an alcoholic. I don't know, twenty years ago. No, not twenty years ago, I had a perm."
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"My wife wanted to know what the soup of the day was."
"Ah yes. It's cream of... No, I can't remember the whole sentence."
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"'Twenty eight million pound cutlet centre to be built outside Rochdale'. I didn't realise they were that popular."
"Outlet centre."
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I didn't do French, I did woodwork. It was a bit of a shame because when all my friends went to France as au pairs I did three weeks in a deckchair factory.
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"My Uncle Albert could play that and he had a metal plate in his head."
"I'm very sorry."
"Oh no, you're alright. It were a blessing really. If he sat with his back to the aerial we could get Welsh television."
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He's not very experimental. He was thirty-eight before he had quiche.
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"Is he getting tired of me?" Well I'm getting tired of you and I've never even met you.
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And Employment Update. Job losses - three thousand in Paisley and eight hundred in Sunderland with the closure of GK Metalworks. Job gains - good news in Hove is that Mrs Mason of the Sea Breeze Restaurant is taking on somebody to peel the potatoes.
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I believe there's one man in this world that's meant for me, and I'm looking for him quite assiduously. And I'd quite like him not to be Mexican, just because of the sombrero. It would cause all sorts of problems with the serving hatch.
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