Kiss my Fat Ash🍑
@Tobi_Is_Fab
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Sometimes on @BuzzFeed @HuffPostParents @Cheezburger @boredpanda @ThePoke @theCHIVE @TODAYshow @Upworthy ❤️ Jeff Goldblum & Oxford commas. Avi by @popartcartoonz
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Pinned Tweet
you win some and you lose some and you lose some and you lose some and you lose some and you lose some and
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Y’all say that like Dolly needs permission
Are you ok with 77 year old Dolly Parton dressing like a 20 year old Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.
Yes? or No? 👇
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@ask_aubry
“She doesn’t want to hear about my biological responses”
Biological responses.
He’s trying to dance around the fact that he got this poor girl out on a 3 hour trail, kept her deliberately lost for 6 hours instead, and at some point has told her that she makes his dick hard.
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On the night of Christmas Eve, my kids took out oats for reindeer & Christmas morning my 6-year-old saw white tailed deer munching on the oats.
He thinks they were reindeer disguised to “look like normal deer.”
It’s been 24 hours and he is still riding that high.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you have an accent. There is no such thing as not having an accent. What you think is a lack of accent is still an accent. I will die on this hill.
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i can kill a cactus by just blinking wrong, yet i can’t stop accidentally growing onions from a mesh bag in a dark corner
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@dadmann_walking
@human_not_bees
I watched it like 15 times and I’m still taken back every single time.
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@Ms_Xtina
Right? If the boys are allowed to wear regular shorts, why do the girls have to play in what is practically underwear?
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My 6-year-old is very set on writing and drawing his own comic books, but he says his problem right now is that he “can’t really read and write yet” AND he doesn’t “own a good stapler.”
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As of today, all of those “ welcome to your 40s” tweets that I like to retweet can officially apply.
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whenever my 6-year-old’s leg falls asleep, he tells me it’s “made of glitter” and i hope he never changes
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I LOVE when I am anxious about a day and it turns out to be mostly fine after.
I also HATE when I am anxious about a day and it turns out to be mostly fine after because what in the fuck was all that crying and diarrhea for?
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My child, THE ONE WHO GAVE ME COVID, just asked if I could cough more quietly
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*Southern sex*
Her: Hurt me.
Him: Your gravy and biscuits taste like shit.
Her: You’ve gone TOO FAR, Willy Jack.
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My 4-year-old fell onto his face, laid there for about 10 seconds, and then stood up to loudly announce that he “only got just a little bit of damage.”
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why does this seal look like an angry worm named gary
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Wouldn’t it be cool if breasts made ice cream instead of just milk? You could have flavors like boob-berry, strawb-areola, and mint chocolate nip.
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@HannahM_Writes
@FlaaNeves_
Honestly, my favorite part is the brother stepping in and just handing him the truth.
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my 6-year-old asked if the cat had a middle name and i said no, and later i heard him whispering, “okay, now your name is thomas penis butt.”
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Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
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@ask_aubry
I’m so confused by accounts like this.
If that’s all she believes she was created for, then why the fuck is she daring to speak out loud on Twitter? 😂
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My 6-year-old has confessed that, as much as he loves fried chicken, he’s been secretly worried that the ghosts of the dead chickens are pecking him as he eats and he doesn’t even feel it.
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sorry i didn’t text back. i went out to feed the birds and got caught up in bird drama
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i noticed my 4-year-old sitting in the floor gagging so i asked what was wrong and he told me that he leaned in close and smelled the cat’s butthole. i guess some lessons gotta be learned through experience
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My 6-year-old recently learned about nutrition and now whenever he wants a snack, he comes up behind me and whispers in my ear, “I need food to survive.”
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I went to a 7-year-old’s birthday party because he’s a classmate of my 6-year-old. I was confused because I kept seeing the child everywhere, popping up in every corner.
Finally my kid said, “Mom, you should know he has a brother that looks JUST LIKE HIM.”
Twins. They’re twins.
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my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
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I’m pretty sure that once a woman turns 30, a long gray cardigan just magically appears in her closet.
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my husband broke a bottle of cologne in the master bathroom and now the whole house smells like burt reynolds in the 1970s
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I look a lot like Shakira, but only if you force-fed her butter for 6 years and then whacked her in the face a few times with a folding table.
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@DoomScroling
“She’s living for herself more than her future offspring”
Okay, but if she’s not having kids, there ARE NO future offspring of her own to worry about. Problem solved.
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My 2-year-old threw a fit and my 4-year-old just said to my mother in law, “That baby is a whiny asshole.”
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My toddler just saw newborn pics of himself with his clamped umbilical cord and is now convinced he had a second penis that we chopped off
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Before school was out in the spring, my kindergartener brought home a small plant in a cup that he claimed was either “a carrot or a flower,” so I replanted it into a pot, assuming it was likely a flower.
Turns out this fucker is a pumpkin.
I’ve got a pumpkin growing in a pot.
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I wonder if Catwoman ever steals Batman’s favorite gadgets only to line them up on a building ledge and slowly knock them off onto the streets below
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i was just approached by 3 young men near the makeup section in walmart to ask if i could help them find lash glue for one of their girlfriends and i swear i’ve not been so amused on an adventure like this in a long time
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My 6-year-old channeled his best Moira Rose this morning when he woke up with a sore throat and a seal-bark of a cough and yelled, “Oh my god, what is HAPPENING to my beautiful throat?!”
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never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
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My four-year-old, who should really be asleep, just came downstairs asking for a “stepstool and a long wrench.”
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The kids need bigger shoes, so we were snuggled up, browsing online. The 8-year-old turns, inches from my face, & asks, “ARE WE CONSUMERS?”
I say yes, and he nods. They’ve talked about it at school. The 6-year-old pipes in and asks casually, “Does that word mean we eat people?”
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Forget quicksand. Does anybody else remember the acid rain scares in the 80s? My mom carried that into the 90s & used to yell at us to keep our heads down and not open our mouthes when it was raining because ACID IS RAIN ON THE NEWS.
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I tried out a choker last week for the first time in years. If the 90s are back, I’m taking advantage of it even if I look stupid.
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@Kickzologist
@IamRanks_Parker
@kenkhristine
The way he’s got it phrased makes it sound like he’s convinced that women are just sitting around with full, operable milk jugs on their chests, ready at all times.
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would you believe me if i said i had cleaned my mirror 2 hours before this?
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it was in the middle of aldi when i said, “oh no, they’re out of saltine crackers,” and my 3-year-old’s response was, “well, godDAMN IT.”
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I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
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I was peeing in public and my 4-year-old, while trying to open the stall door, calmly said, “I’m just gonna let them see your big butt.”
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i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
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ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
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@ask_aubry
I mean, they have 7 children. SEVEN.
Of course she has kid stuff to do every day.
It’s just simple math.
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dick aint fda approved either and y’all still put it in your body. just sayin
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I’m not sure if any of you are aware, but this 🥴 emoji was totally modeled after me in the 80s.
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Loch Ness monster in Land o LAKES butter?
Coincidence? I think not
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@ask_aubry
I LOST it at this point. 😂
I just keep imagining, “Omg, my magic water fairy didn’t show up today!”
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My brother in christ on a cracker, I’m a rubenesque middle-aged lady with gray streaks running errands in Christmas tree earrings. You cannot hurt me.
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So some dick just left a dick pic in the comments of a tweet, BUT then he also went back and liked his own dick pic. I don’t know why, but that almost bothers me more than the picture itself.
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yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
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I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
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Is it “adulting” if you lie and tell your 4-year-old that Hulk is only green and strong because he eats his asparagus when his mommy tells him to?
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This is 37, but I feel like I’ve got 400 years of love flying at me.
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We let my 5-year-old try a root beer, and after he took a big gulp, he yelled, “Oh my gosh, I can feel myself turning into a man!”
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i grew up with a guy who told us at a barbecue several years ago that he thinks he could win in a fight against a silverback gorilla
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my husband won’t stop talking to me as i eat my grape nuts so i keep nodding but what if i just accidentally agreed to a threesome or buying a station wagon or something
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i can never tell when i’m just too much for people. like you gotta treat me like the cheese your server pours on an olive garden salad. you gotta tell me WHEN
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My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
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we need a disney princess who eats beef jerky and masturbates
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My 6-year-old came to the kitchen to tell me he wished he had a different mom, which of course was a punch in the gut, but then said, “Because I wish we could be the same age & go to school together & be friends.”
I couldn’t be sad anymore with his face so lit up at the idea.
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I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
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@onedogsopinion
I’m very sorry for your loss.
This is actually another part of Twitter that I’m struggling with the idea of losing.
There are accounts of dead friends on here that I still go and look at. Message threads that I still read.
If Twitter is gone, those are gone.
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okay so maybe i don’t like anyone as much as i thought
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I walked into the living room and my 5-year-old said, “I hope you always stay safe in this house, mom.”
This is how horror movies start, right?
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my toddler has been talking about the “long cock” and how noisy it is for 3 days before I realized he was talking about an ALARM CLOCK
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That’s me. Queen of just-meat tacos.
I get my recipe from my phone when I relax on the couch. 💀
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I’m under a blanket right now facing the windows so I can watch birds in my birdfeeder. I ain’t out there fighting anybody for a blender.
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