Hannah Murray—Banter, Boning & HEAs
@HannahM_Writes
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Author, pervert, former sex worker, data nerd. I write sexy books, can ignore bad news until it’s irrelevant, and I know how to tie you up. Bi/pan, cis, she/her
PNW
Joined September 2017
So fucking adorable. HUGE romance hero energy here.
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I have never said “not the asshole” so fast.
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“I made the mistake of asking my wife for an open marriage and I regret it”. Like fucking clockwork.
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My soul, there’s an update:
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Update: she dumped him!
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Not at all the point of this post, but if you’re the fucking king and no one bothers to tell you you’ve buttoned your coat like this—including your wife? Bro, they fucking HATE you.
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@FarrahRochon @BayAlden This is a Stitch praise account, I will hear no slander against Stitch. He learned more about how to act and what matters most in the span of that movie than that person has learned in their whole damn life.
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@roxiqt @bornmiserable @melissajknows They said CAKE, not her artisan attempt to show everyone how much better she is.
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Then guess what bro? You can’t make money. Bye.
OpenAI Pleads That It Can’t Make Money Without Using Copyrighted Materials for Free
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@clhubes The only unreasonable part is that the kid cleaned up the mess before anyone got home.
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@_celia_bedelia_ “Why would a medical professional inquire about the sexuality of a person who is at an age when many people become sexually active” do they hear themselves?.
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When I published my 1st romance & told my mom, she was very supportive. THEN she asked, "Is there butt stuff in it?" I asked my dad WHY SHE WOULD DO THAT, and he said, "She's really into that right now-we bought a special toy" with ZERO regard or concern for my exploding brain.
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@EmRoseDeLeon @autogynamelia I waited a long time, and after I finally “did it”, my friend asked “Well, how do you feel?” and I was struggling to answer because while it was fun and good it wasn’t transformative. She just nodded and said “it was just sex, wasn’t it?” and I said “yeah. It was just sex.”.
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@AthenaNike4 @thebearcametoo That maybe it takes a while for things to get changed, and that listening to someone when they tell you how they like to be addressed is the minimum of respect, and digging for a reason not to by checking everywhere they're talked about online is just you being a shit?.
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It’s about what?. It won the WHAT?!?!?
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My favorite thing about the Sandra Bullock romance novel movie is that when people are like “um, isn’t this basically Romancing the Stone” she’s like “inorite, isn’t it awesome? I love movies like that, they don’t make enough of ‘em” and like YES, Sandy, DO YOUR THING.
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Me: Babe, will you hug me from behind? I need to see where your dick hits. Him: Excuse me?.Me: I need to see where your dick hits. Does it poke me in the butt, or the back?.Him: Is this research or foreplay?.Me: It's research for characters' foreplay. Him: Always a bridesmaid.
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@redditships I mean yeah, that's an embarassing sticker. But why don't these people TALK to each other?.
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Y’ALL. Make sure you read through to the edit.
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Last night I heard my husband apologizing to my kiddo for something I hadn’t witnessed. I asked “you guys okay?” and he explained what happened and my kiddo hollered from the other room, “It’s ok, Mom! He’s still learning how to be a parent!” and I thought that was awesome.
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My most popular tweet, for good reason. No Soundcloud (I don't even know what that is, she said in Gen X), but I write filthy-sweet romances, so if that's your thing, check them out:
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I’m watching The Fifth Element and I wanted to look up the actress who played the diva and wow, Luc Besson is garbage.
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Since I see the “readers owe authors 4 or 5 star reviews” and “review to encourage authors” crap making the rounds again, I will reiterate my feelings on the matter:. The only thing you, the reader, owe me, the author, is to have obtained my book by legal means. The end.
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A hearty and hale "fuck you" to every single person I see on this hellsite telling a reader who bought a romance expecting an HEA/HFN (because DUH) and didn't get it to "suck it up" or "life doesn't come with HEA, sweetheart" or "broaden your horizons". Seriously. Fuck you.
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“You can’t judge a book by its blurb” uh, that’s LITERALLY what the fucking blurb is for, so readers can judge if it’s worth their time.
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The ENTIRE romance section at the new Barnes & Noble that just opened near me. The whole thing.
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Someone I follow just announced a pregnancy and some of her followers/friends were like “hang on, didn’t you get your husband grey sweatpants for Xmas?” and she was like yep, it’s a grey sweatpants baby, and I wanna put this whole bit in a book SO BAD.
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@5thDollanganger @meganaderr I know, right? Like, can I find The Point of Maximum Splendor at my local Sephora?.
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To this day my father has not read a single thing I've written (WHICH IS FINE, I AM NOT BOTHERED) and he told me (UNNECESSARILY!) that it was because he felt getting a boner over something that came from his child's brain would just be too weird for him. SAME, DAD. SAME.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but ‘romantic tragedy’ is not a sub genre of romance, it is a sub genre of tragedy. For fucks’ sake.
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My "if I had lottery money" dream is to open a charcuterie & cheese shop/romance reading room called "Meat Cute" where you can get a little meat & cheese plate with some seasonal fruit, fresh-baked bread, and a wine pairing then go eat it while you read a romance.
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@goddammitsarah @weeaboo @Falcon87456 I’m gonna go out on a limb and say his soul does not bring the magic.
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I was cruising around Reddit the other night and came across this in “woodworking Reddit”. Every single comment was deleted except one that just read “Uhhhhh”, and below the post they were like “if your comment isn’t about WOODWORKING we will delete it!”
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@WrittenByHanna @SloaneBueller Also, they had WAY more chemistry fighting then they did fucking.
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My father asking if switching to palliative care and suspending life support measures (vent, meds) was going to cost extra is perhaps the most uniquely American moment I’ve ever witnessed.
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@She_Ra_UK @_celia_bedelia_ I saw the doctor last month for hand pain and they asked if I wanted a pneumonia vaccine—because I was right there in the room and they hadn't had a chance to ask me yet. It's pretty SOP to go over the checklist when a patient is in for…anything.
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There are 155 Nora Roberts titles on this list.
NEW: This summer, we reported on the contents of a controversial database used to train generative AI products from Meta, Bloomberg, and others. Many people requested an ability to search it. Today, @_alexreisner delivers.
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TL:DR - my parents have no boundaries.
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@_celia_bedelia_ They called it “feminine hygiene” because“period” was dirty and taboo and nobody would say it. Actually calling it by name is progress, not some conspiracy to remove women from the conversation. For gods sake.
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@HillaryMonahan . caught by the priest and she said “It’s because I want you to understand God made this part of you & sex is a beautiful, wonderful, pleasurable thing that God is just fine with because it was His idea & don’t let anyone tell you different”. So she pulled it out at the buzzer.
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@notcapnamerica When that all happened I was in college working as a babysitter/quasi-nanny and the dad of the family, who’s a psychologist, watched the presser where she tearfully begged the ‘carjacker’ not to hurt her babies and said “She did it”. Anyway, fuck Susan Smith.
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I am having a difference of parenting philosophy with a pal. Her: put your kid into sports even if they’re not into it because it encourages physical activity & teamwork. Me: she already has to do un-fun things, I don’t want to make recreation a misery . Thoughts?.
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We were watching Turning Red last night and I decided to talk to my 8 yr old about periods. We’ve discussed it before, but I figured I’d use the moment to see where she’s at. Me: Do you have any questions about periods?.Her: Just one, really. Me: Okay, what is it?.Her: Why?.
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Y’all remember that woman on Reddit whose husband accused her of financial infidelity for spending her own money on something for herself, then said he expected her to housewife it up, 50s style? There’s an update and SHOCKER, he was cheating on her.
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Some Twitter rando: Hey y’all, romance novels don’t need HEAs, cuz Me Before You, Fault in our Stars, Titanic & A Walk to Remember are all romance novels, amirite?.Me:
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@AngryBlackLady I am horrified at the prospect that my child's school might decide to open normally, and I am SO MAD that if we'd done three months ago what most of the rest of the world did, we could do that safely. But no, we had to go all 'personal liberty' and kill everyone instead.
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My kid has suddenly noticed that cars come in all kinds of colors. Except one. Her: Mom, how come there are no pink cars?.Me: I don’t know, baby. Her: (darkly) I bet it’s because of boys.
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@kharpzzz @TXKatieLeigh @ThatsSoLampy What’s more important, the health and safety of your child, or grandma’s hurt fee fees?.
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@Nicole_Cliffe I told my husband he was my 'something old' at our wedding. I laughed - he did not.
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@jaelaaaab @dani_g_3 A guy I knew left his wife to marry his mistress, who thought he was paying too much (he and the ex had agreed on an amt outside of court). She convinced him to petition the court to lower it. The judge said “what is this piddling figure?” and damn near doubled it.
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A thing that sticks with me from that author who said talking about DNFing books is disrespectful (it's not) is when she claimed authors believe their books to be masterpieces, and if you're writing a masterpiece more power to you, but I'm just writing banter & boning with HEAs.
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Romcom used to mean “a romance that is lighthearted and funny, for sure you will laugh” and now I’m pretty sure it means “you will not laugh once during this entire book and you’ll be bitter about it, thanks for reading, the marketing people appreciate your gullibility”.
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If no one has put this up here yet…
The most fuckable cast of all time? Wait let’s actually talk about the most fuckable casts of all time!!! GIMME YOURS!!!.
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What in the wide wide world of sports.
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Because I am a Data Nerd, I have spent the last two days putting together a spreadsheet of agents who rep romance authors. I made it a google spreadsheet, you can find it here:. Thread with details on where I found my data and other info to follow: .1/?.
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@_SJPeace_ @serittel She’s not nervous. If she was nervous she wouldn’t have gone NEAR him, just called the cops while peeking out from behind her living room curtains.
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Baby, I write aaaalllllllll the sex. Delicious, depraved, enthusiastic dirty deeds. Hair pulling, heavy breathing, check-my-pulse-I-might-have-died filth. You don’t have to read it. I’m fine if you don’t. But I will fight purity culture to my last breath.
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@notcapnamerica She's calling him babe because she hears her mama call him babe. That's how babies learn to talk.
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I have feelings about a reviewer calling a book DIRT & tagging the author, but I’m not in the mood to entertain nonsense, so I’ll just say don’t do that shit. And also, it’s fine if you prefer romances without explicit sex, but stop calling them ‘clean’.
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@AnaMardoll I was hospitalized for preeclampsia @ 30 weeks, had an emergency c-section at 32 weeks, and my MIL said to my husband “You came so close to losing your baby” and I said “No, he came so close to losing ME”.
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@AdaShuffleFOff @ATWlover13 @_celia_bedelia_ Actually, when I was in my early 30smy OBGYN— who was also an endocrinologist—recommended that I stay on the pill to preserve my future fertility (he knew I wanted kids). I was on the pill for 18 years before I went off to try to conceive, which I did the 1st month of trying.
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Also per Wikipedia: “Engel started writing the novel to contribute to a W.U.C. collection of pornographic fiction by "serious" writers.”. I am FLUMMOXED.
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@StopTweetingMia Sex workers can’t have body image issues? That’s news to me, a former sex worker with body image issues.
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@RespectfulMemes @LeelaSinha Sometimes I see a “mean dog” in a movie and I’m like “that’s the happiest dog right there, lookit his face he’s SO HAPPY”.
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@ask_aubry Also “small purchase items like paper towels and razors” girl, I buy those things at Costco, they are not $7.99.
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@laurenthehough She really said “who doesn’t like Italian” over a can of Spaghetti-Os and I’m sorry, but steps need to be taken. This can’t go unpunished.
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@ellle_em It’s also entirely reasonable to expect people who are out with their dogs in public to have their dogs on a leash or be otherwise controlled.
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Finally got a haircut. The child who cut my hair (not a literal child, she’s 19, BUT STILL) was very excited to learn I’m a romance author, and to tell me that Anne of Green Gables is her favorite romance. When she asked me to describe my books I was sincerely speechless.
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@BellaRizinti I cannot tell you how many times I’ve encountered pee on the seat of a public toilet and I have never ONCE thought, “a penis was here!”. It is always the hover pisser who doesn’t want to sit on a piss-seat who then CREATES THAT WHICH SHE MOST FEARS.
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Husband: Correct me if I’m wrong, but ‘ruggedly handsome’ is just code for ‘got your ass kicked by the weather but still good looking’, right?.
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@_celia_bedelia_ Going on a roller coaster, eating soft cheese, eating sushi, taking your legally prescribed medication, a fucking aspirin, working out ‘too hard’….
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