Mike Chase
@TheMikeChase
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The practice of law really breaks your brain. Today I heard that my neighbor’s kid needed a retainer and I was like “what the hell does he need a retainer for?”
His teeth, Mike.
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1993: You’ll be living in a van down by the river.
2022: If you save up $45k, maybe one day you could live in a van down by the river.
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Sometimes I think about how I wrote a paper 2 weeks late in 7th grade and slipped it under my teacher’s desk after putting a footprint on it and she apologized for losing my paper and giving me a 0 and corrected my grade to a B+ and digital submission has just ruined the magic.
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my dog had a quarter pounder with cheese. congratulations to my dog. my son is very upset. but my dog is very happy.
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When I was a first year associate and got my bar results the managing partner of my office said “congratulations, now you just need to take New York.” So i studied for months and drove to Albany in a blizzard and took the New York bar and only later did I find out she was joking.
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Here’s a deposition tip:
If your wife asks “did our daughter eat?” the answer is “yes.” The answer is not “yes, a crayon.”
Remember, answer only the question you are asked.
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i'm always still a little surprised by the chocolate in the tip of the Drumstick cone. they don't have to do that, but they still do it for us anyway.
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I'm sorry to inform former NBA phenom Jeremy Lin that, in light of some recent tweets, we lawyers are going to need to borrow the term "Linsanity" for awhile.
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Here's a flow chart.
Matt Gaetz: "I have definitely, in my single days, provided for women I've dated. You know, I've paid for flights, for hotel rooms. I’ve been, you know, generous as a partner. I think someone is trying to make that look criminal when it is not."
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Seven years ago I paid $16.00 to dry clean a pair of baby sweatpants that accidentally fell into my dry cleaning bag.
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For those of you trying to be cost conscious, a great thing I learned is that for many dishes you night love at a restaurant that cost $25, you can find the recipe online, buy the ingredients, cook it yourself, and spend $80, lose 3 hours and do 10 dishes.
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Coaching little league is like being told you’re now the general in a war but your army is just 13 feral cats.
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Welcome to Westlaw. We noticed you literally just logged in so we’ve logged out out for security purposes.
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Thank you, Shel Silverstein, for preparing me for this moment.
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All my UConn stuff is in the wash so I’m watching the game with my diploma.
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Restaurants: Oh, we don't have Coke, but we do have Pepsi. Is that okay? Are you okay with that?
Grocery Store Pickup: We didn't have apples. We gave you steel wool instead.
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I just want to get this out there: if I’m your criminal defense lawyer, you are not doing a documentary.
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when other dogs ask this dog if he’s rich, he says “I’m comfortable”
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There’s a baby sleeping on me which means I’m legally excused from all other obligations.
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britney spears wants to refinish her kitchen cabinets and is conserved, but jeff bezos is going to shoot himself into space and nobody is saying shit.
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My wife: Who are you over there smiling and texting with?
Me: Stouffer’s. Chill.
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A show called Jeans. It’s basically Suits in reverse. A lawyer going about life pretending not to be one in social settings. It’s autobiographical.
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Libertarians.
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Today my doctor was looking at my throat with a tongue depressor and he goes “your tongue would already be depressed if it was paying attention to the news lately,” and I laughed even though he’d obviously been using that joke a lot, but now I think the whole exam was a setup.
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the worst thing about about Warren Buffett is that he is old enough, and has enough money, that he could open a chain of all-you-can eat restaurants called the "Warren Buffet" and it wouldn't matter if it was a huge failure, but he just refuses to do it.
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Wow. Most state bar associations are recommending that lawyers refrain from kissing opposing counsel on the mouth until further notice.
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we’re going to have sentient artificial intelligence before we can copy from a PDF and paste into a word document without creating a day of work.
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that you are under no obligation to talk to the police.
What are things every kid should know before they graduate high school?
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My daughter tasted a Texas Roadhouse roll with butter for the first time and her reaction was appropriately sheer incredulity.
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I will be removing Guy from my list of go-to punchline people.
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Congress should do that thing city councils do, where the public gets to line up at a microphone and absolutely shred them 5 minutes at a time.
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can you imagine if it was your birthday today? all of your Facebook interaction for the year, gone.
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False. If Lincoln were alive today, he’d. be almost 213. That’s all anyone would be talking about. Nobody would be able to move on from the fact that Lincoln — a 200+ year-old man was still alive. Everyone would just be like “I cannot believe he is 213.”
I think if Reagan and Lincoln were alive today, they would issue a joint statement telling people that vaccines work, infrastructure is good, and the electoral count act needs reformed. Maybe they are RINOS now, but I’d be proud to Join them.
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i bet the aliens don't give a shit about us and they're just stealing wi-fi
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“I’ve got so much to say about something that I sort of understand” is the mission statement of this here website.
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When you wake up tomorrow your iPhone says December 32, 2020.
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@BadLegalTakes
joe rogan is activity on the radio, therefore it is radio activity, and radioactivity is technically regulated by the Nuclear Regulatory Commission so…
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what exactly does "circumvent professors" mean?
PragerU, a growing hub of the online right-wing media machine, is using YouTube as a way to circumvent professors — and parents — to reach a new generation of students
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I have an attorney-client privilege joke, but I can’t tell it to you.
I have a personal jurisdiction joke, but it doesn't arise out of or relate to anything.
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it's ridiculous that lettuce doesn't come in sandwich-sized squares yet.
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On the plus side, Wickard v. Filburn says we can all still engage in interstate commerce entirely at home.
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The Senate Judiciary Committee has just voted to advance a bill to make PACER free, after it appears the bulk of the panel decided during the hearing to join as co-sponsors of the bipartisan legislation.
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My wife was trying to unlock my phone with Face ID by doing an impression of me and it was very insulting.
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Thanks a lot to the 8 year old who decided to teach my 5 year old that God is dead today at camp without even explaining the more nuanced aspects of Nietzsche’s perspectivism.
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On a scale from 1 to Homeschooling-While-Working-From-Home-During-a-Global-Pandemic-and-Seige-of-The-United-States-Capitol, how distracted were you today?
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If you're gonna use a shop vac to eradicate a yellow jacket nest, remember to put some soapy water in the vacuum first. Otherwise, the vacuum will just be full of very alive, very pissed off yellow jackets.
Anyway, I have a free shop vac if anyone wants it. Must pick up.
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There’s a little fox that has been sleeping under our deck at night and leaving every morning. I’ll be posting updates about it daily. I’ll call it Fox News. Please follow me for more Fox News.
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My wife and I built a machine that converts fruit snacks into rage and destruction.
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if I could go back in time a decade and tell my law school self something, I’d say “in 2022, you will be in your second year of going to work in a robe every day” just to trick myself into thinking I’d be a judge in my 30s, when actually it would just be whatever this is.
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Oh, you hate your life? Have you ever responded to an interrogatory?
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I don’t have a big Wilford Brimley tribute. Just that I playfully tweeted about his role in The Firm a few days ago. Only 6 people liked the tweet. But Wilford was one of them.
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When you discover a large bear in your garage, don’t try and be a big man and get the bear out yourself. Call the wildlife officers and they’ll send a younger, taller guy to your house and he’ll get the bear out by just, like, yelling at it while your wife and kids watch.
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30 years ago, my dad built this lego table for me. I spent countless hours sitting in front of it as a kid. It now proudly lives in my son’s room.
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Newspapers are always referring to "high powered attorneys" and I'm embarrassed to say I have no idea what my power level is or how to check.
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don’t disrespect me. i am a lawyer and a scholar and an adult and i lunch like one.
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Just gonna note that we should not know what this lawyer advised her client.
Lawyer for 'SoHo Karen' advised her client not to wear that 'Daddy' hat on TV
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This is such coward shit. Character letters are necessary and serve the ends of justice. At trial, the judge will essentially hear only of the crime. Yet at sentencing, the judge must sentence the whole person. Without character letters, that leaves the defendant and his lawyer…
Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis apologize for writing letters in support of Danny Masterson.
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My Shark Tank idea is a service called “another dude.” I don’t need to hire movers. I just need like one other dude to carry the other end of the thing.
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Client: Some FBI Agents stopped by my house.
Attorney: Okay, did you talk to them?
Client: No, i didn't really say anything.
THE FBI 302: "Once the crying stopped..."
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Therapist: Why are you so down?
Me: I realized a case from 2006 isn’t “recent authority.”
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The debate without an audience is terrible. So hear me out...
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My kid claims this is a toy, but i know a COVID-19 when i see one.
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My son is at a nerf birthday party and he has located a strategic elevated position and is absolutely raining fire on all of the other kids and I don’t know I’m just really proud.
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The Connecticut Judicial Branch coloring book fails to point out that this conversation is no longer privileged.
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I'm not a great parent. But I have perfected the art of silently eating snacks in the next room that I don't want to share with my kid.
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As Senator, I will be calling for a full scale investigation of restaurants providing too few tortillas in proportion to the amount of fajita ingredients.
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When I was younger, the rule was “don’t talk about money, politics or religion.”
Now it’s “turn politics into religion to make some money.”
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@historyinmemes
These guys had better balance on account of their lower center of gravity, which was due to their enormous testicles.
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BREAKING: they’re letting Weird Al Yankovic play Alexander Hamilton’s crystal accordion.
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we need to get these books out of schools. they are a terrible influence on my kids.
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good morning law twitter, I think the LSAT is a great test and the Bar is even better.
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What’s the appropriate punishment for a person who gives a book a 1-star review because FedEx was unhelpful.
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Ok. You can eat one food item for the rest of your life. Infinite variations. But one food item. What is it? I’m dumpling or taco.
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If your wife falls up a set of stairs while carrying groceries and her fall is broken by a bag of cheese puffs that loudly pops on impact, you can’t laugh. Those are the rules. Take it from me.
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this is pretty rich from the guy who stole my idea. I've been calling my pillow "my pillow" for as long as i can remember.
Networks are choosing not to run commercials for my book! Even
@FoxNews
!
I am blocked from advertising my book on almost all the networks because they know it tells the truth about our great president
@realDonaldTrump
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Her: what do you do?
Me: I’m a lawyer in private practice.
Her: oh, what kind of law?
Me: what part of *private* practice don’t you understand?
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I am begging journalists to stop using the phrase “a little-known law” because this fairly describes 99.99% of all law.
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Wow. Judge Judy ending after 25 years. I don't think anyone thought Biden would have a nomination for a SCOTUS vacancy this soon.
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I didn’t even know we needed a booster to protect against those last two things.
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It’s that time of year where I share this bar exam story.
When I was a first year associate and got my bar results the managing partner of my office said “congratulations, now you just need to take New York.” So i studied for months and drove to Albany in a blizzard and took the New York bar and only later did I find out she was joking.
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