Squidward
@Squidward
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49
Excellent clarinetist
Bikini Bottom
Joined February 2011
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Can someone please explain to Patrick that I am NOT his Daddy and will NOT be reading him bedtime stories?!
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Me, participate in Halloween? I’m afraid there’s not a ghost of a chance! And no, Halloween puns don’t count as participation.
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Friendship Day?! No! I’ve got to stop SpongeBob before he … too late. There he is in my living room, with flowers and a cake.
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Ah, the first day of autumn! Finally, summer’s sunshine and optimism can go take a hike.
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This New Year, I resolve to complain more. It’d be a shame not to: not only am I good at it, I really enjoy complaining!
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For National Relaxation Day, I finally get to do the one thing I want to do every day: not get out of bed! Ah, that’s better.
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Happy April Fools Day, a day I'd like to dedicate to my neighbors, who are fools.
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Do I celebrate Independence Day? Well, that independs. Ha, I crack myself up.
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This Valentine's Day, I bought an expensive gift for my sweetheart...me! Spoiled? Maybe, but I'm worth it.
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The greatest presents I could get this Christmas would be the absence of my two moronic neighbors. Please Santa, hear my wish!
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Happy Father’s Day to my dad, who appreciates the finer things in life: music, art, and complaining. He taught me everything I know.
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Happy April “SpongeBob's” Day, everyone! Oops, sorry, I meant to say, Happy April FOOLS Day. Same thing.
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For National Relaxation Day, I’m planning to kick my heels up and read a magazine all day. In other words, I’ll be at work.
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The only thing I’m positive about today is that I positively will NOT be celebrating Positive Thinking Day!
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Oh no, it’s Hanukkah! Here comes eight days of SpongeBob attempting to spin a “dreidel” named Patrick. I might have to leave town.
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Here's hoping 2014 is the year I finally begin my career as a professional clarinetist. I know, I say that every year.
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If only National High Five Day were the only day of the year SpongeBob insisted that I slap him some skin. It's not.
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SpongeBob gave me the greatest Christmas gift of all: going out of town and leaving me alone for Christmas.
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I'm thankful for every minute of the day I don't see or hear
@SpongeBob
. In other words, I'm not thankful at all.
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Trick or treat? Well, here’s a trick: I don’t have treats, for you or anyone.
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Wear Brown Shoes Day? Sorry, no can do. They don’t come in my number of feet.
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Maybe this Opposite Day, my neighbors will act calm and sophisticated. Somehow I don't think they're celebrating.
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Most people only have one turkey for Thanksgiving, but I've got two: SpongeBob, and Patrick!
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I hate Valentine's Day and want nothing to do with it. But if I did secretly love Valentine's Day, I would give a Valentine to myself.
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It’s not my fault those Christmas carolers couldn’t recognize a genius clarinet player when they heard him. By “him” of course I mean, me.
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I celebrate St. Patrick's Day by using my clarinet to drive everyone out of my sight.
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Some people like Halloween, but I'm not a fan. Boo, I say! Boo! No, that was not my ghost impersonation, you morons!
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In the New Year, I resolve to work even less than I did this year. I guess what I’m saying is, I will try to get fired.
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It's Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day, but my fridge is already AAH EMPTY!
@Patrick_Star
, I told you never to "clean" my fridge again!
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Holidays come but once a year. That’s good, because I need the other 364 days to recover.
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I believe Hanukkah celebrates when a hero, not unlike me, tried to get one day of peace from a sponge. Instead, he got 8! What a miracle!
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Now I finally have proof: SpongeBob is a space cadet. RT
@BikiniBtm_Sandy
SpongeBob got a nasty case of Space Sickness.
http://t.co/byuffomb
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Dumpster diving? No thx. I already have one horrible job. RT
@BikiniBtm_Krabs
Go down to the used sleigh shop & root through their dumpster.
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I’ve been quite happy since you left town RT
@SpongeBob
I haven't seen Mr. Krabs this happy since he fished a nickel out of the grease trap.
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For future reference, I'm NOT a police officer RT
@Patrick_Star
Officer, this is the man who attempted to steal my beret
http://t.co/cgVpzOMd
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She’s blotting out the sun for my poor azaleas. Oh, wait, never mind...she ATE my azaleas. HARUMPF!
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More like brainlag. You two need to “vacate” from my sight! RT
@Patrick_Star
I walked to the top of my rock for that photo. Major footlag.
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Could somebody please get this Abominable Snow Menace a cab ride home to Distant Tundra?
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Guess they’ll be forced to eat vegetables. RT
@SpongeBob
The
@snowmollusk
is causing a pectin panic! What will people do without jellybeans?
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If by “sleigh” you mean, “winning entry in the
#GreatSleighRace
,” it’s coming along better than anyone else’s.
http://on.nick.com/2o2
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Oh, is it too hot here for the Abominable
@SnowMollusk
? I’d be happy to cool her off with a chilly reception.
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