St. Simeon the Holy Fool likes all your tweets
@SimeonTheFool
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Patron saint of Holy Fools! And puppeteers. Sillier than thou. Canonized for throwing walnuts in church and streaking. Self-parody. Pitied by @MrT . Pronouns!
Emesa
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Pinned Tweet
By request, the ongoing
#ChooseYourOwnAdventure
thread!
It all started as a riff on a
#FollowFriday
meme that was making the rounds on Christian Twitter a few weeks ago. I… genuinely have no idea how it turned into this.
You’re stuck in an evangelical megachurch. You look around. There are respectable supplies of mediocre coffee and stirring sticks, and a suspiciously clean bookstore. Your eye lights on a table full of pastries. Well, this could be promising after all.
Do you:
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There is oof, there is Oof, there is OOOF, and then there is the guy who said "you'd think differently if someone in your family was murdered" to Bernice King.
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Sorry, but somebody had to do it
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Pro Tip:
If you are putting the Spanish words for “Feliz Navidad” in your program,
“prospero año” means “prosperous new year”,
and “prospero ano” means “prosperous anus.”
Don’t ask my church how we know
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Time for your reminder that Jesus once told a parable about an unjust judge, who was finally persuaded to do the right thing because a woman wouldn’t stop yelling at him.
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Unpopular Opinion:
“Tax the churches!” is an understandable reaction to egregiously wealthy preachers
But in PRACTICE
if you don’t think they would make loopholes for the Osteens
and crush Black churches for doing community organizing
may I recommend
any good US history book
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"I never thought leopards would eat MY face," sobs woman who opened up her church's doors and hung a big sign that said Welcome All Face-Eating Leopards Please Come In And Eat The Faces Of Every Last Person In This Church And Yes To Be Clear That Specifically Includes My Own Face
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EVANGELICALS: "Our nation needs to be governed by Judeo-Christian biblical principles!"
CANDIDATE: "Ok, here's a policy to enact a Year of Jubilee where all debts will be graciously forgiven by unmerited favor for—"
EVANGELICALS: "You godless socialist!"
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“I don’t wear a mask because we’re not called to live in fear.”
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[Flips confusedly through book of Revelation]
China may send 100,000 ducks to Pakistan to battle locust swarms. Pakistan has declared an emergency saying locust numbers were the worst in more than two decades. A single duck can eat more than 200 locusts a day, more effective than pesticides: expert
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Lawful Good: Times New Roman
Neutral Good: Helvetica
Chaotic Good: Old English Text MT
Lawful Neutral: Calibri
True Neutral: Arial
Chaotic Neutral: Making a custom font based on your own handwriting
Lawful Evil: Courier New
Neutral Evil: Wingdings
Chaotic Evil: Comic Sans
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@Faith_Salie
Annie is the part you get if you are good at wearing a wig and want to be cute. Miss Hannigan is the part you get if you are good at musical theatre and want to be a legend.
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SATAN: "Throw yourself from the temple, for it is written, 'He shall give his angels charge over thee…'"
JESUS: "lol no"
SATAN: "You deny the clear teaching of the Bible. Your issue is not with me, it's with the Scripture, you lack a high view of the authority of the Word."
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CHURCH PEOPLE: Do you know why so many people have left the church?
PEOPLE WHO LEFT THE CHURCH: Hi! It's because of abuse, racism, sexism—
CHURCH PEOPLE: It must be that we've compromised with worldly liberal theology!
PEOPLE WHO &c: GAAAAAAAAH
CHURCH PEOPLE: Whoa, bitter.
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Neither confounding the Persons, nor dividing the Essence
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Church is not a building
It's an inflatable
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When you are so mad you invent Jubilee
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THEM: “The Bible says I have freedom of worship, so I don’t have to wear a mask during a pandemic!”
THE BIBLE: “Live in freedom, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God.”
THEM:
THE BIBLE: 1 Peter 2:16.
THEM:
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Wow it's clearly a troll trying to get engagement you say?
Too bad I didn't notice that and think to screenshot it instead of retweeting to keep them from getting any oxygen
Maybe I can fix it retroactively
There we go
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Christianity is under attack
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Picketing the Straight Pride Parade with a sign that says
"It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman—1 Corinthians 7:11."
I don't hate the straights, I just can't endorse their unbiblical lifestyle
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Obligatory "welp that blew up" tweet
I don't have a SoundCloud but go follow
@BerniceKing
, Abolish the death penalty, and
#JusticeforJulius
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If you're opposed to that student loan forgiveness thing, I'd better not catch you praying "forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors"
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Well if by Calvinist you mean someone who thinks it’s fun to go on adventures with his toy tiger then yeah
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…Hey, wait. Isn't there something in the Bible about a caravan of thousands of migrants fleeing poverty?
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ESCAPE ROOM THEME: One of you is a Mormon, one of you is a Baptist, and the other is a Jehovah’s Witness. Nobody leaves until one has converted the other two.
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@Millie__Weaver
Yes! Let's own those leftists by telling them that the means of production are owned by the people!
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Why don’t we ever get to sing the old traditional hymns with their timeless theological truths
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When you’re doing the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around
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@BadWritingTakes
@ErikMKort
We are no more than five news cycles away from finding out that Umbridge was meant to be the hero all along
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@_jadeisabelle
I'm gonna be the guy who asks uncomfortable questions, such as How come nobody in this whole commune has a job in waste management
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“Jesus wasn’t a refugee!”
“But his family fled…”
“Yes.”
“…to escape violence…”
“Yes.”
“…in their own country…”
“Yes.”
“…and take refuge…”
“Yes.”
“…in another country?”
“Yes.”
“They weren’t refugees in Egypt because?”
“Because under Roman rule countries had OPEN BORDERS!”
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Sorry, what was that,
@TGC
? I couldn't hear you, I was too busy eating sweet and sour sauce in a tidal marsh at twilight.
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EVERYBODY’S got a water buffalo? In this economy?
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@isierranichole
@JacobFalcon23
While some rando in the replies keeps on reposting screenshots of Saul's deleted tweets saying something about keeping the receipts
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Heaven is not a place where you are made perfect after you die.
Heaven is a big big house with lots and lots of room, a big big table with lots and lots of food, a big big yard where we can play f
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Me: What are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: Not you
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—BIBLE DOCUMENTARY—
HOST: "David is one of the people in the Bible.
[PICTURES OF STONE WALLS]
HOST: "But, is the Bible true?!?!?"
[MONTAGE OF THE HOST RIDING LAND ROVERS. DRAMATIC MUSIC]
HOST: "We spoke to an archaeologist."
[MORE WALLS]
GUY: "This might be in the Bible."
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ACTUALLY, his name is The Crime’s Monster. “Crime” is the name of the cop.
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THEM: “David committed conspiracy to have one of his most loyal men murdered after having sex with his wife.”
ME: “Yeah, and the sex wasn’t even all that consensual.”
THEM: “HOW VERY DARE YOU BESMIRCH HIS GOOD NAME LIKE THAT SIR”
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Imagine thinking you’ve deconstructed American Evangelicalism when you haven’t even deconstructed the urge to start a webinar and monetize your book about it on the self-help lecture circuit
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Pro Tip: If they don’t like it when you say “I’m deconstructing,” you can always say, “I’m turning from unbiblical false teachings and embracing sound doctrine”
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The sermon was on how we should not live in fear of face-eating leopards
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It's not Ash Valentine's Lent yet but when I saw this post I couldn't wait 💚💙💜💛
Ash Wednesday and Valentine's Day fall on the same day this year, so, an idea: Love Hearts which say "Ashes to Ashes", "Dust to Dust", and "remember you will die" on them.
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@publicroad
Denomination founded to be a safe space for slave owners disavows theory that points out how social constructs are rooted in racism
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If virtual church isn't church then you shouldn't read from Paul's epistles unless he can be there in person
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And I looked, and behold, I saw a great beast arising from the sea
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"I refuse to live in fear!"
—People who think wearing a piece of cloth over their nose will lead to the rise of the One World Government
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To all the theology bros arguing the Bible says slavery is okay:
Congratulations! You win the debate! Be at my place Monday at 6:00 AM; you’ll start with the heavy construction crew.
…What? You expected to be the slave *owners*? Why?? Oh well, too late now. Beatings in room 6.
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THEM: Did you steal those pears?
AUGUSTINE: That question is a violation of my HIPPO rights
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FUN FACT: The biblical Greek language has four words for love, five words for live, and three words for laugh
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Let's get this straight! Different academic studies make very different categories of claims:
History: "A Jewish preacher named Jesus lived c.30 CE."
Theology: "He was the Son of God."
Science: "He weighed 83.9 kg."
Math: "That's 185 lbs."
Archaeology: "This was his spoon."
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One of The Onion's most vicious and inspired bits is how they just keep re-running this article with a new lede every time.
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Ye have heard it said, not my circus, not my monkeys. But verily, verily I say unto you: it is thy circus, and lo, these monkeys art thine also, even unto the last in the barrel.
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@ostrachan
No drinking?!?
No dancing?!?
No open bars???
Mandatory dress requirements??!!
Wow Owen, that sounds just like
every single Baptist Bible College Code of Student Conduct ever
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When you are so mad you invent Jubilee
Desperate polls call for desperate measures: Dems consider forgiving trillions in student loans. Other bribe suggestions: Forgive auto loans? Forgive credit card debt? Forgive mortgages? And put a wealth tax on the super-rich to pay for it all. What could possibly go wrong?
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JOHN MacARTHUR: “The biggest danger and heresy facing the church today is people believing a political social justice agenda instead of preaching the Gospel.”
ALSO JOHN MacARTHUR: “You’re not a real Christian if you vote Democrat.”
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@PMourdoukoutas
@Forbes
This article is incredibly poorly cited. If only there was some place you could have gone where you'd have had free access to a wide array of current sources--books and periodicals and free internet. Maybe even staffed with some experts to ask for help researching?
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I don’t know who needs to hear this (
@johnmacarthur
) but
If your theology says “I don’t need to wear a mask during a respiratory pandemic because God is with me so I don’t need to be afraid!”
Then your theology is functionally indistinguishable from snake handlers.
Carry on.
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[SCENE: Martin LUTHER pounds on the door of the church at Wittenburg]
LUTHER: Trick or treat!
PRIEST: Sorry Marty, we're all out of chocolate
LUTHER: Dude not cool, that means you get a trick
PRIEST: Oh no, a prank, what are you going to do
LUTHER (setting his jaw): Here I stand
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@EWErickson
If you cannot care about correct pronouns for your trans neighbors, whom you have seen, how can you say you care about correct pronouns for God, whom you have not seen?
(1 John 4:20, lightly paraphrased)
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@redditships
"People who are 'brutally honest' generally enjoy the brutality more than the honesty." - Richard Needham
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@eScarry
As we all know, people who *really* struggle to look good dress themselves in ill-fitting jackets, wrinkled shirts, skinny floral pattern ties, and clipper cuts that accentuate their receding hairlines.
#JustHereForTheRatio
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If we take the Bible literally when it commands “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep,” then empathy is a virtue and refusing to have empathy is a sin.
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@studentactivism
Milo Yiannopoulos would have had a strong case, too, if he hadn’t recently encouraged vigilantes to start gunning journalists down.
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Éowyn sipped her latte in awkward silence. She had never considered that her anonymous romantic pen pal might turn out to be someone she already knew in real life.
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FUNDAMENTALIST: What the actual hell?
PROGRESSIVE: What the metaphorical hell?
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EVANGELICALS: "Debt forgiveness is always wrong!"
JESUS: "Do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. Your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind to the ungrateful." (Luke 6:35)
EVANGELICALS: "That's contrary to the word of God!"
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@RMac18
Mama always said, I just killed a man,
Box of chocolates to his head,
Never know what, now he’s dead
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@JustnBullington
I had a friend once who was so anxious that when he prayed his sweat was like drops of blood
I wish you’d been there to tell him this, I bet he would have been impressed with how much more you know than he does
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@epistemophagy
A bit rich coming from a movement led by an author who literally made up a fake middle initial because her publishers thought it sounded cooler
And who published the half of her books under a man’s name
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Never take life advice from people who don’t understand how umbrellas work.
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And Jesus answered him and said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
But he, wishing to justify himself, said “Isn’t the most loving thing you can do to tell someone when they are wrong and speak the truth in love with a godly rebuke from the word of scripture—”
And Jesus sighed.
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But even her tombstone is going to say, "Here lies Sarah Sanders."
Sarah Sanders says she hopes her legacy will be that she has tried to be "transparent and honest" every day.
#WomenRuleSummit
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@dutch85169
@ParisDaguerre
Except your immune system isn’t “fully functioning” unless it knows how to protect you against SARS-CoV-2.
Better get that fixed.
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“I have a real heart for the unborn!”
“Oh, you’re lobbying for fully funded universal prenatal and perinatal care?”
“What?”
“What?”
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@Nicole_Cliffe
Sharks come in five varieties: Baby, Mommy, Daddy, Grandma, and Grandpa, which may be distinguished by the things they do, do do do do. Most people's favorite type of shark is the Baby, but I find the Grandpa to be distinctly underrated.
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What exactly are the Biblical Manhood guys getting up to at these weddings
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@timkellernyc
The biblical model of marriage is an exclusive life long covenant relationship between one man and seven hundred wives + three hundred concubines
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I still remember how disenchanting it was and how much of the magic went out of the season when I found out the whole time it was really my Mom and Dad who punched out Arius at the Council of Nicaea
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I once saw a “Christian Classical Education” teacher on here saying he wanted to make sure his kids learned in the style of the Ancient Greeks and Romans, so they would not be influenced by pagan philosophies in the schools.
Think about it a sec.
🧐
@canonpress
@ExaminingMoscow
Christian Classical Education is like the Holy Roman Empire: named after the three things it isn’t.
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PHARAOH: No, I still won’t let your people go. Hang on, I have to get this—
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@merelymerre
@wine_ghost
@isaactweeting
I mean, clearly, have the guy send him. a photo that he aged 50 years with FaceApp
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OMG
@TWITTER
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING LETTING
#DickVanDyke
TREND DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S 2016 ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE US A HEART ATTACK OR SOMETHING
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@eScarry
Everybody pay attention! The wearer of this necktie is here to tell us how to dress for success!
#JustHereForTheRatio
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@BuzzFeedNews
Sorry but I don’t give content for free to media outlets, in solidarity with the BuzzFeed journalists union, who were all fired by their rich pals in a surprising display of wealth.
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@dianabutlerbass
I knew a guy who worked in IT at an evangelical Bible college. He said their busiest work week was the annual Pastors’ conference, because so many of the pastors would get their computers blocked for trying to get around the automatic p0rn firewall.
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Nobody:
Complementarians: “THIS IS MY DOCTRINAL HILL TO DIE ON!!!”
Somebody: “You realize that literally nobody is ever going to ask you to die for—“
Complementarians: “I’M GOING OUT IN A BLAZE OF GOD’S GLORY!!!”
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Tweets Made Even Better Without Context, cont’d.
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PRIEST: Someone broke into my office and took my vestments and my German fruit bread!
ME: You mean—
PRIEST: Yep—
BOTH: STOLEN STOLE AND STOLLEN
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